


A Poorly Executed Plan

by orphan_account



Category: Homestuck
Genre: Age Difference, Consensual Sex, Cuddles, F/F, F/M, Food Fight, Frottage, Humanstuck, Intercrural Sex, M/M, Masturbation, Oral Sex, Pain Kink, Paintball, Pranks and Practical Jokes, a variety of sexual acts, a very loose grasp on the concept of irony, butt-frickin', non-sburb AU, parappa the rapper - Freeform, strider man-pain
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2013-02-15
Updated: 2013-08-12
Packaged: 2017-11-29 09:14:05
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Underage
Chapters: 33
Words: 102,593
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/685289
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/orphan_account/pseuds/orphan_account
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>John likes Dave. John attempts to get Dave under the mistletoe.</p><p>He gets Bro instead.</p><p>Thus begins the brojohns.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. In Which John is a Manly Man and Not at All Shota

**Author's Note:**

> oh god johnbro why are you taking over my life

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> John has a plan.

He was 16. 16 years and 3/4. He was a man, with chest hair and everything. Well, some chest hair. Okay, minimal chest hair.

Nevertheless, he was a _man_ , and men went after what they wanted.

He stood in one of the many halls of his soon-to-be new home, occasionally glancing up anxiously. He inhaled sharply through his teeth as he felt a sting at his thumb. 

Looking down, he saw a small pearl of blood stem from the corner of his nail and immediately raised the finger to his lips, sucking gingerly. _Note to self: don't tear skin around nails off completely before Christmas or else your nails might fall off and how would you open your presents then, Egderp._

After several more minutes of impatiently bobbing back and forth on the balls of his feet, he spotted his prey.

"Dave!" He squeaked enthusiastically, waving a hand in the air. He coughed, then repeated himself in a manlier tone. "Uh, Dave."

Dave turned towards him, peering over his sunglasses and giving him an "you talkin' to me?" expression. John nodded vehemently and wagged his finger in a "come hither" motion.

"What up, Egbert?" Dave asked, striding towards him the way only a true Strider could. John's skin tingled a little and his chest tightened as he watched Dave's long legs moving smoothly, one in front of the other. "I'm kind of in the middle of something."

"Oh?" John raised an eyebrow. "What's going on?"

"Nothin' much, just hiding."

"...Hiding?" Dave nodded once. "From who? Or...what?"

Dave shrugged. "I've got this creepy feeling, like Bro is lurking in the shadows somewhere, waiting for an excuse to jump me, pull his anime sword out, and give my ninja-ass a thorough and unironic beatdown."

"Oh..." John nodded, glancing from side to side. He wasn't quite sure if Dave was joking or not -- Dave constantly griped to himself and the others about the strifes with Bro, but they had all assumed he was being ironic or something. John wasn't really sure how strifing with his guardian was ironic, but he assumed Dave knew. Dave knew everything about irony, and everything he did was ironic. "Do you really strife that often?"

Dave tilted his head down, red eyes staring incredulously at John over his trademark shades. "Are you kidding? And it's only gotten worse since TZ came into the picture." Dave straightened up and glanced coolly over his shoulder before turning back to John and continuing. "I think he's having, like...separation anxiety or something? Even though I haven't even gone anywhere. Dude's an anxious mess, and strifing's the only outlet he is. Besides, ya know, the smuppet porn."

"Ah, yeah. _That._ " A neon smuppet ass flashed through John's mind and he shuddered. "Anyway, speaking of TZ...um, how are...things? With her?"

Dave cocked an eyebrow and shrugged. "'Salright."

 _Damn it._ John spoke Strider, and although Dave's response might have seemed indifferent to an outsider, he knew better. Striders were succinct, laconic. And liars. They were very much liars. Dave might as well have jumped up and down squealing in response. _It's now or never, Egbert._

Dave flicked his hair to the side. "So, you excited about the wedding?"

"Yeah, totally!" John perked up. This wedding was something he actually had confidence in, unlike this dumb idea he was trying to execute. "I'm just glad Dad found someone, you know? And who would think that when he did, it would be Rose's mom!"

"Speaking of Rose...Last time I checked, she was with TZ, and..." Dave shuddered. "I don't even want to think about their conversation right now."

"Haha." John tried to make his laugh sound natural and not like a dying mouse. "Oh, actually," he feigned surprise as he pointed up above them, towards the mistletoe hanging from the ceiling. "Look at that! Wow, what a surprise."

Dave looked up, tilting his glasses down slightly, as clarity washed over his face.

"Egbert," he said, tilting his eyes down and smirking, "you sly dog."

John ran a hand through the back of his head and turned his head away, trying meekly to hide his grin. He could feel the heat spreading across his cheeks and ending at the tips of his ears. "Well, I --"

"I've gotta find TZ and get her under one of these things!" He sounded much more enthusiastic and...unironic, then he usually did. John's shoulders slumped and his grin faded. He rolled his eyes as dramatically as he could, but the gesture was lost on Dave as he strode quickly down the hall. "Later, Egbert," he called behind him.

John brought his fist to his face, rubbing his knuckles into the bridge of his brow, and let out a loud groan.

"That was precious," said a low voice next to his ear.

John jumped and spun around to see Bro Strider standing beside him, eating a sandwich and wearing the snarkiest grin he had ever seen. Bro looked pretty much the same as he always did: white polo, black jeans, kamina shades, and cap. John ticked the boxes off in his head; the douchebag checklist was complete.

"Where did you come from?" John asked, his heart now pounding. _And how much of that did you see?_

Bro took another bite, chewing slowly and thoughtfully. "Where did I come from? I am ubiquitous, friend of Dave, and I am surprised that wasn't already clear." He swallowed, and his snarky grin was joined by two waggling eyebrows. "And as for how much I _witnessed_...well," He leaned back, attention back on his sandwich. "All of it."

"Oh, w-well, I don't know what it looked like, but --"

"What it looked like," Bro interrupted, holding his sandwich over his chest, "was you trying to get your tongue into my dear, sweet, innocent brother's mouth."

"I -- it wasn't...like that! I just..." _Who are you kidding? It was exactly like that._ He sighed, hanging his head in defeat.

Bro snickered.

"Your accent is obnoxious," John sniped. Bro raised an eyebrow and took another bite.

"I was laughing, you couldn't even hear my accent then. Is that really the best you can come up with?"

Wow, suddenly, John was not in the mood for Strider Bullshit. "Sorry I tried to make a move on your brother, I guess. Good-bye now."

He moved to turn on his heel, but Bro grabbed his arm, holding him in place. John glared up at him. "What?"

Bro shrugged, dropping his arm, still grinning. "Everyone gets rejected, kid --"

"Really, really," John said, waving his arms in the air, "you do not need to do this. I'm fine."

"I can't help but pity you, you're like...a little shota dude, and that is _exactly_ my weak spot."

John made a noise in protest. "I am not _shota_! I'm 16!"

"Sho-ta."

"I'm a _man_ , and --" John paused, and raised his palms in front of him. "This is stupid. I don't care what you think."

"Dave thinks you're shota."

"Well, he's related to you, so I'm not surprised that his shota-radar or whatEVER is off."

The elder Strider didn't respond, and instead finished his sandwich while staring down at John -- at least, John thought he was looking at him. How could anyone see through those shades? They were practically opaque.

"If that's everything," John said, turning slowly, "I'll just be leaving now."

"John."

He turned enough so he could see Bro pointing towards the ceiling. John looked up, and saw the mistletoe he had tried to use on Dave minutes before. "What -- oh."

Bro had wrapped one hand around John's waist, pulling him close enough so that their torsos were pressed together. The other hand held John's chin in place and tilted it back slightly. John's heart quickened and he could feel Bro's breath hot against his lips.

"Um, Bro --"

Bro's lips cut him off, pressing softly against his, opening and closing against his mouth languidly at first. When John began to respond, he could feel the gusto of his kissing partner building, and the intensity and surprise elicited a small noise from somewhere inside of him which seemed to egg Bro on more. He felt a twinge of Bro's lips as if he was fighting back a smile, and then they were moving quicker and more skillful then John could keep up with, and then oh god there was a tongue pressing against his lips and now it was rubbing against his own and their tongues were touching each other and oh god what is happening.

Before he could catch up, Bro had pulled away and John was left in a daze. Reality snapped back in to place when Bro pinched his ass (just how long had his hand been there and why hand't John noticed before).

John let out a heavy breath. "Oh...my god."

"To make up for what you missed out on with my brother." Bro pulled his arms back to his sides, putting a hand in his pocket. "Although to be fair, there is no way in hell the little dude is half as talented as I am in the tongue department."

"Uuhhh...Ok..."

"Now if you'll excuse me, there is a mini Strider somewhere in this house who is just _begging_ for a beatdown." Bro tilted his shades down and winked. "See you around, little shota dude." He turned and flash-stepped down the hall. John heard a "Separation anxiety, my ass!" in the distance.

He wasn't sure how long he was standing there, but eventually he put all of his weight against the wall closest to him and slowly slid down, ending up with his knees tucked under his chin.

"What the hell just happened?"


	2. New Supplementary Material

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> John has all of the inner turmoil, is jealous of Terezi (who wouldn't be?), and puts his new supplementary material to use.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> this is an ~explicit~ chapter. but! don't get your hopes up. it is merely john/john.
> 
> thank you to anyone who has read this or will read this! wow, this chapter is a lot longer than the first! I meant to finish and upload it last night, but...holy jesus, can you blame me for the delay after that update? shit! however, i will attempt to update daily...

John sat against the wall for a long time, trying to gather his thoughts. That kiss had been...okay, it was obviously a very good kiss, even if he had only been half-there. It was probably in his Top 5 kisses of all time. But, um...it was with...Bro.

_Bro Strider just kissed me._

John shuddered. Ok, seriously. What was that about? Dave always said Bro was a pervert, but he thought it was just the smuppet porn type of pervert, not the kiss-your-younger-brother's-16-year-old-best-friend-who-just-attempted-and-failed-to-mack-on-said-younger-brother type.

_It was...just a goof, right? Yes, that must be what this feeling is. It is the feeling of the scales on my prankster's gambit tipping towards Bro. Congratulations, Mr. Strider! You have one-upped a pranking master._

John sighed and brought his hands to his face. He pressed his index fingers into his eyelids unitl he saw spots, then held them there. After a while, he heard soft footsteps coming toward him, but decided to ignore them. They stopped in front of him.

"John?"

He looked up, squinting as his eyes re-adjusted to reality. A familiar buck-toothed, raven-haired girl stood in front of him.

"Hi, Jade."

Jade grinned down at him. A sincere gesture, which was very much welcome right now. "I thought I was the narcoleptic in the family!"

"I'm not narcoleptic." John sighed.

"Then why are you on the floor?"

John threw his hands in the air. "I don't even know anymore."

Jade giggled and put an arm out towards him. He latched on and she pulled him up easily with her freakish Harley strength. Despite his recent growth spurt, she was still a few inches taller than him. No matter how much he grew between seeing her, she always ended up the more vertically gifted.

"I wasn't sure if I should interrupt. You seemed to be having quite the inner turmoil!"

"All of the inner turmoil was had by me," John confirmed. "But it's over now. So, what are you up to?"

"Just wandering." Jade shrugged and began walking down the hall. John followed. "I was with Terezi and Rose earlier, but then Dave stormed in, demanding to have his girlfriend to himself, and Rose said she had a very important Skype appointment...so now I'm here, with you!" She beamed down at him.

John smiled back up at her, before turning his head down and nibbling thoughtfully at his lip. "So, Terezi, you...talked to her?"

Jade nodded slowly. "A bit."

John looked back up at Jade, watching her face. His fingers were moving double-time, picking at any crack in his nails they could find. "What's she like?"

She tucked a strand of hair behind her ear and pressed her lips together. Her buck teeth stood out against her lip, bobbing up and down. The odd habit made her look like a rabbit chewing.

"She's...fine, I guess."

"You guess?"

Jade huffed, then turned to John. "I haven't gotten to know her very well, that's all. She's with Dave, so she must be great."

"Oh." John nodded, turning his head back to the front.

"I think I heard the dinner bell a little while ago, right before I found you." Jade raised her eyebrows, excitement clear on her face. "Let's race to the dining room!"

Before John could respond, Jade was sprinting down the hall.

"No fair!" He called out behind her, speeding up. "You got a head start!"

\----------------------------------------------------------------

When they got to the dining room, they were both out of breath and giggling, clutching at their sides. Rose and Terezi were the only ones at the table so far. Rose's face was lit up by the phone in her hand, which Terezi was unsuccessfully trying to read over her shoulder. Rose was doing an excellent job of blocking her view with one free hand. Looking up, Rose set her phone in her lap and gave Terezi one final slap on the arm. She smiled brightly at the pair standing in the doorway, who were still trying to catch their breath.

"Good evening, John, Jade."

"Hiya, Rose!" John said, plopping into the seat opposite her. "Hey Terezi."

"Joooooooooohn," Terezi crooned, sauntering towards him. She sat down next to him and placed a hand on his shoulder before continuing. "I have been meaning to have a talk with you."

"Um, ok. About what?"

Terezi's eyebrows waggled around, slightly obscured by the red-tinted lenses she wore. A grin crept across her face. A sharp-toothed, untrustworthy grin. "About _Dave_."

"Ooh..."

Terezi sat back in her chair, picking up the fork in front of her to play with. "As his best friend, you must know all of the horribly embarrassing things he wants to keep hidden from me. And I need to know them." She turned to him, peering over her glasses menacingly. " _All_ of them."

"Uh, as his best friend, I don't know if I'm willing to betray his trust like that."

_Especially not to the tramp who stole my man._

_...Wow, John, you really just thought that. Congratulations, you win the award for Most Desperate Housewife._

"C'mon, John!" Terezi whined, sinking lower in her chair and throwing her fork against the table. "I already tapped his brother dry, but there's got to be more! You must know everything that was too terrible even to tell his big bro!"

Oh, there were things. Terrible things. So many terrible, terrible things. John had so much dirt on Dave, but like hell was he about to share it with this trollop.

_John, trollop? Seriously? You need to stop. This is embarrassing. You are embarrassing yourself with your own thoughts._

He shook his head in a feeble attempt to clear his thoughts. "I'll try and think of something, Terezi, but I can't guarantee anything."

Terezi let out a "hmph" and resumed playing with her fork. Rose gave John a sly look across the table, which he promptly ignored.

"Where is everyone? Jade and I heard the dinner bell."

"Well," Rose began, "dinner _was_ ready when I rang the bell, but then Mother came in, and...your father became distracted. I thought it would be best if I left them alone, so I came to wait out here, and Terezi soon followed."

Terezi frowned. "Dave is on the roof. We were talking and then as soon as we kissed, BAM! Big bro pops out of nowhere and demandes a strife."

Rose said something to Terezi, most likely some psychic mumbo-jumbo or whatever it is that Rose was always going on about. At the mention of the older Strider, his thoughts began to wander to the events that had transpired less than an hour ago. In the moment, he had been too schocked to take it in, but even now he could still taste Bro. He tasted like a cheese and bologna sandwich, extra onions. But the taste hadn't bothered him at the time, and it didn't really bother him now since most of what was clouding his mind was the memory of Bro's lips crushing against his, chapped and hot, and his tongue moving deftly against John's lips. John felt his entire body heat up and absentmindedly brought a hand to his mouth.

He felt a large elbow nudge his side and Jade's face came into view. "John, are you alright?"

As he nodded in response, Dad burst through the door. In one hand, he carried a steaming dish, and the other hand held onto Mom's hip. Mom held a drink in one hand, and balanced several smaller dishes in the other, more gracefully than would be expected. She held her drink up and said, "Dinner is serv-ed!" Then she giggled and gave Dad a kiss on the cheek.

The couple sat down on one side of the table after handing the dishes out. After plates were passed around, Mom seemed to do a headcount and noticed they were lacking in numbers.

"Where's Lil D and Big D?"

"Right behind you."

Bro stood leaning against the doorframe, one arm up and pressed against the frame as if he were expecting someone to take a picture.

"I just had to give our Davey a lesson in respecting one's elders."

John ignored the quick flutter his heart had adapted at the appearance of Bro and instead took note of how unharmed he looked. There was a slight sheen to him, as if he had been doing medium to heavy exercise, and his hair looked slightly ruffled. Besides that, he looked...normal. The way Dave talked about the strifes, John was expecting serious war wounds; he was expecting blood, bruises, and scars of the psychologoical _and_ physical nature.

Roxy raised her glass to Bro and winked. "But where's Lil D?"

There was a grunt, and then a slouching figure appeared next to Bro. Dave was covered in sweat, his hair stuck out in every direction, his shades were askew, and his shirt was missing a chunk in the front. He had a long, shallow cut across his forearm and there was blood smeared across one of his cheeks. Terezi jumped up and ran to his side, murmuring something about not letting her watch. She licked the cheek covered in blood, and John turned away, but the sight that came into view wasn't much better. Bro Strider had taken the seat next to him that Terezi had previously occupied. Dave limped towards the seat on the other side of Bro, and sat down with another grunt. Instead of sitting between Dave and Rose, Terezi sat down on the knee of Dave's good leg.

Dad asked if Dave wouldn't prefer to clean himself off first or receive some medical attention, but Dave refused, saying that food was more important. Bro responded with an "atta boy". After that, everyone began to eat and converse amongst each other. Every so often, John would hear a snort come from Mom and look up to see her nuzzling Dad. He could just make out the corner of Bro's eye, and accidentally garnished the attention of both eyes once. When that happened, Bro winked. The gesture sent shivers down John's spine.

He turned to his other side to see Jade, giggling and exchanging glances with Rose.

"Rooose," Jade said, "when is she gonna _be_ here?"

Rose lowered her eyes to her plate, probably attempting to look disinterested. The small smile gave her away.

"Hopefully by New Years," Rose answered. "She said she wants to help us set up for the wedding. Kanaya has this obsession with making herself involved in everything...I think she would be very disappointed if she missed out on the fun."

Dad leaned forward and put a hand over Rose's. "Rose, I just want you to know how happy I am that you have found someone who makes you so happy. I am so, so proud of you."

Rose strained a smile and patted his hand with her free hand before pulling both away. She gave John a look, and he only stuck his tongue out at her. It would be nice to finally have another outlet for Dad's pride.

"Mmm." Roxy leaned forward, her drinking almost tipping over. "I am happy, too, Rose, honey. I hope you appreciate all of the mistletoe I hung up. Everybody get ready for some hot yuri action." Roxy winked and Rose grimaced.

"Let's not forget the hot hetero action," Dave chimed in. Terezi gave him a kiss on his cheek, then licked the spot she had kissed.

"What about the hot yaois?" Bro added. He gave John another unsettling wink before continuing. "I caught little Johnny here under the mistletoe earlier. I think I scared him half to death."

John's heart stopped and his fork froze in place. He could feel all of the blood in his body pooling into his cheeks.

Roxy sucked a breathe in sharply before whispering, "I ship it."

"Ugh, _Bro!_ " Dave yelled. "Were you seriously mackin' on my best bro? Oh, god. Now I can't get the visual out of my head."

Dave threw his head in his hands and rubbed his eyes. On his lap, Terezi was swinging her legs and cackling. John managed to look up and caught Rose's eyes. She raised her eyebrows and tried to hide her smirk behind her hand. Even Jade was giggling.

"Oh, dear," Dad said. "Strider, please tell me you haven't traumatized my poor boy."

Bro chuckled. "He seemed pretty traumatized at the time, but I think I caught him off guard. It was just a peck though, no need to go in to over-protective dad mode."

John's eyes fell to his plate. Bro considered _that_ to be "just a peck"?

"Well, in that case," Dad said, "I guess there's no need for me to be concerned. As long as it was just a peck." John felt his dad's gaze seering into him. "John? Do you have anything to say on the matter?"

"Dad, _please._ " He hoped his complexion wasn't totally giving him away. "It wasn't a big deal. He was just pranking me. The only thing he took advantage of was my prankster's gambit, which I could feel dropping dramatically after...afterwards."

He turned back towards his plate and started to push his food around. Then he heard the sniffling of a grown man, and he looked up to see Dad dabbing his eyes with a cloth napkin, Mom's hand rubbing soothing circles on his back.

"John," Dad began, "it takes a real man to admit when another has gotten the best of his prankstering abilities. I am so, so proud of you."

"Ugh!" John threw his fork down and rubbed his palms into his cheeks. He stood up suddenly, nearly knocking his chair over. "May I be excused?" He didn't wait for an answer, and turned to leave. A true prankster would be able to handle being the butt of the joke, but his gambit had already taken too much of a beating for the day. He was spent.

When he left, half the room was in laughter and the other half was either proudly crying or trying to soothe Dad. He didn't get very far before he heard someone limping after him and calling his name.

John slowed to a stop, then turned around to come face-to-face with Dave.

"What?"

Dave took a moment before answering. "I'm sorry about...about Bro. He has boundary issues."

John felt some of his anger slide away and his shoulders drop. "It's okay, Dave. I'm fine, I just...I'm kind of tired. I think I'll just go to bed now. But thank you...for checking up on me."

Dave shrugged. "Gotta look out for my number one bro."

John looked Dave over, taking in all of the blood and bruises. "Are _you_ going to be ok? I'm sure Mom has a first aid kit lying around here somewhere. I could patch you up --"

Dave waved his concerns away with a flick of his wrist. "It's cool, I'll get TZ to patch me up later. I didn't let her watch, so she made me promise to let her lick my wounds clean." John scrunched his nose and Dave shrugged. "I know, dude, but she's totally into the Strider. I can't help it if she wants to literally eat me up. It's a curse."

"You...really like her, don't you?"

Dave took a moment to consider, then spoke. "Don't tell anyone I was this sincere, but...I've never loved anything so much in my god damn life." His voice was deadpan, as usual, but John could tell by the twitch of his lips how much his words actually meant.

"I'm happy for you, Dave."

Dave shrugged, again.

\----------------------------------------------------------------

Several minutes later, John was in his pajamas, snuggling the shit out of his bunny. But the bunny made him think of Dave, so he threw it onto the floor. He sighed.

Terezi made Dave happy, so happy that he would use sincere statements to express his feelings. This was not good for John. this was not good at all.

He hadn't always had it bad for Dave. It was only six months ago when he realized how he really felt about his best bro. Something...something just _changed_ then. Something clicked, and soon after, he realized that he wanted -- no, he _needed_ to be with Dave. He wanted Dave all to himself. Why'd he have to share Dave with some pervert girl who couldn't keep her tongue to herself?

And if Terezi wasn't bad enough, now _Bro_ had stepped into the picture. What the _hell_ was that kiss about? Logically, he knew it had to be just a goof. Bro even said so himself. And if there was any other intention behind it, why would Bro have brought it up in front of everyone at dinner?

That kiss...his stomach turned and he felt hot everywhere thinking of it.

He turned onto his stomach and smothered the pillow with his face, muffling a groan. That must just be what grown-ups did. They kissed, just to tease each other. It was just a goof! Just one prankster getting the best of another prankster. Just one tall, muscular, slightly attractive prankster besting him in a game of wits. 

_...No, not attractive, or muscular. Douchey. Douchey-looking and over-bulky._

_...Or maybe the perfect amount of bulk. And his eyes...what color were they?_ John strained his mind, trying to recall. _Oh, they were...orange. Just as pretty as Dave's. Pretty eyes must run in the Strider family._

Images of Striders clouded his mind, and heat and pressure began to pool in the depths of his stomach. He could feel his member hardening, and he reached down softly to relieve himself, shivering when his hands reached his head. He pressed his face against the pillow as he caressed himself, attempting to mute his moans and heavy breathing.

He breathed out "Strider" as he came minutes later. He rolled onto his back slowly and raised his hand to his face, looking over the cum he had spilled over his hand.

He wasn't sure which Strider he had been referring to.


	3. The Cage-A-Thon

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> In which John thinks Nic Cage is dreamy and Bro is an ok dude.

John woke up the next morning feeling like shit.

"Those god damn Striders," he mumbled to himself as he crawled out of bed.

Slowly, he dressed himself, ignoring the groans that emitted from his stomach indicating his hunger. Maybe skipping out halfway through dinner hadn't been the best plan.

_Ok, food first, and then I will think up the best prank that has ever been pranked to get back at Bro._

He opened his door enough to peek his head out and looked down the hallway to make sure no one was there. The coast was clear, so he made a run for it. Out the door, sharp right, down the hall, sharp left, down the stairs, then another sharp left and straight ahead. Sanctuary.

He ransacked the fridge, desperate for anything that wasn't a pastry. He settled on eggs and toast. He made his food, sat down to eat, and had almost decided on the perfect prank when he heard the shuffling of feet come through the door. He looked up to see the Striders trudging into the kitchen.

His eyes dropped back down to his food. He heard some mumbling between the brothers, then what sounded like someone being shoved onto the stool behind him. He kept eating.

"Ahem."

He looked up at the noise and saw Bro sitting beside him. He looked tired; his shirt was wrinkly and his cap and shades were crooked. He had some stubble, indicating he hadn' t even shaved yet. Bro looked up at Dave, who raised his eyebrows. Bro looked back at John before continuing.

"I'm only doing this because Dave said that if I didn't, he would move in with TZ and never come home again." He raised his hands in defense. "Not that I would _care_ if I never saw the twerp again, but if he _did_ leave, then my swords might get rusty from lack of use, so..." He paused to rub the sleep out of his eyes. "I may have been a bag of dicks yesterday about the whole mistletoe incident."

John nodded. "You may have been."

"And to... _apologize_ ," Bro sighed, "I am willing to offer you free katana lessons."

John looked up and quirked an eyebrow. "Katana lessons?"

"For _free_."

"No thanks," John said, returning to his food. "I use hammerkind."

"Well, I tried!" Bro said cheerily, standing to leave. Dave opened his mouth to speak, but John cut him off.

"But, if you _really_ want to make it up to me," he said, grinning, "then the three of us. In the living room. Nic Cage marathon."

Dave groaned.

"Even that would be too thick with irony for me, kid," Bro answered.

John sighed, as sadly as he could, and slunk in his seat. "I thought you said you wanted to make it up to me."

"Jesus Christ, ok, Bro," Dave said, "this is happening. Or else John will spend all day following me around looking as mopey as possible with his sad puppy-dog eyes. And don't give me that look. You brought this onto yourself and to me and we are doing this. _We are making this happen._ And as God as my witness, _I will make you pay for what you have brought on to the Strider family._ "

John jumped up, abandoning his plate and silverware in the sink. "Great! I'll get my boxset."

"He brought the boxset!" Dave cried, horror clear in his voice.

As John left the kitchen, he heard Bro mutter, "What have I done?"

\----------------------------------------------------------------

Hours later, John sat between the Striders on a huge couch, all giggles and popcorn teeth.

_Nic Cage is so dreamy. Why couldn't he have kissed me under the mistletoe instead of some middle-aged douchebag? Now that is a scenario my prankster's gambit would be happy to concede to..._

John wasn't sure which he was enjoying more in that moment; the breath-taking performance of Nicolas Cage as _The Weatherman_ , or the noises coming from the Striders on either side of him. He felt his prankster's gambit slowly returning to normal.

Torturing others was always good for one's prankster's gambit.

After their lunchbreak in the afternoon, Terezi joined them, claiming that she hadn't seen "her luscious cherry coolkid" all day and she "ain't here for that." But they were enjoying each other's company a little too much. When sloppy make-outs ensued, John and Bro threw popcorn at the disgusting couple until they left.

John had made a strict "no-riffing" rule at the beginning ("This isn't an MST3K re-enactment! You are not here to enjoy yourself, you are here to _pay for your sins_."), but that rule went right out the window when Jade joined their marathon during _Ghost Rider_. She made a comment about how the fire did a better job of hiding Nic Cage's bald spot than his cheesy comb-over ever did and that led to a Nic Cage Rif-Off between her and Bro. Even John couldn't help but snicker at some of their commentary.

He was saved halfway through _Adaptation_ by Mom, who burst in demanding that they join everyone else at the table for dinner, which was almost halfway over and had they really been wasting their whole day watching Nicolas Cage movies is that really the way you wanna live your life babies I will support you wherever your lives lead you but honey come _on_ I need some family time can't you just spare a little time for Momma Roxy.

The three of them got up and scrambled to the dining room before Mom could apply any more guilt into her lecture.

The argument over just how obvious Nic Cage's brilliance was continued over dinner, but Jade seemed to lose interest and struck up a conversation with Rose about her love life. Even though all of the comments Bro made about Nicolas Kim Coppola were just plain _wrong_ didn't mean that a few of them weren't funny. Even Bro would crack a smile when John burst into giggles, which John was learning was a rare sight.

He decided that maybe, just _maybe_ , Bro was an ok guy. Maybe the polo shirt and dorky glasses looked good on him. Maybe there was something to be said for irony when it came to dudes who knew how to work it.

_...No, no. You did not just suggest that Bro was "working" anything. We are going to ignore that thought._

After dinner, Dad brought out the pastries. John scooted away from the table because, to quote Terezi, he "ain't here for that." He excused himself and retreated to the living room. Nic Cage was calling his name. Now that there was no one left to add amusing-yet-unnecessary commentary, he could finally spend some quality time alone with his beloved. He grabbed the boxset and was about to pick a movie when Bro walked in and sat down beside him on the couch holding a beer.

"So what's next, Egbert?" He asked, snapping the top open.

" _I_ was going to continue the Cage-a-thon." He gave Bro a pointed look.

Bro took a sip. "Was your heart set on watching it alone? Trying to get some quality time alone with the Cage?"

 _Yes._ "No," John said, "I wouldn't _mind_ having company, but...If you're worried about paying pennance, no need. You have suffered enough for one day." John took a deep breath, closed his eyes, and placed his hand on Bro's forehead and pushed slightly. He opened his eyes and spoke. "You are now absolved of your wrong-doings."

"Well," Bro said, pulling John's hand away. "As much as I appreciate the gesture, I may have...enjoyed your company. Slightly." Bro cringed a little. Sincerity must be the Strider kyrptonite.

"You enjoyed my company, eh?" John nudged Bro in the side with his elbow. "Or _maybe_ ," he said dramatically, "you were enjoying the company of _Mr. Cage_." He waggled his eyebrows suggestively.

"Don't get your hopes up, squirt."

"I'm just sayin'. Maybe Cage's charm is finally rubbing off on you? I wouldn't blame you if you wanted to take back every nasty thing you'd ever said about him."

"Just put the movie on."

John turned his attention back to the boxset, where he skimmed over the titles. "I can't decide which one to watch next. I know we already watched _Con Air_ , but...it's a classic!"

Bro set his beer down on the coffee table before leaning over to peer at the movie titles. "What about the one we were watching when RoLal called us to dinner?"

" _Adaptation_?"

"Yeah, that one." Bro leaned back, crossing his arms over his chest. "That one was...bearable. And we never got to see what happened after Kaufman caught Orlean and Laroche snortin' that weird orchid drug and doin' the nasty."

John's eyes grew wide as he looked up at Bro in awe. "You even know the character's _names_?"

"Egbert." Bro used the tip of his middle finger to pull his shades down enough so John could see his eyes. In the dimly lit room, they looked darker, almost gold-like. Whatever the color was, they definitely didn't make John's stomach start to do aerobics. He was brought back to reality by Bro's voice, telling him something along the lines of "put this movie on or so help me."

"Sheesh, somebody's a grumpy mister."

John put the movie on and they found the scene where they had left off easily enough. Bro made minimal noises, and when he did speak up, John put a hand over his mouth and shot him a warning look. Bro would roll his eyes but imitated zipping his mouth shut, and eventually he learned to just keep quiet.

By the time the Kaufman twins were opening up to each other behind a log, John realized he had cozied up to Bro, with his head leaning against a smooth, lean shoulder. Bro didn't seem to mind it, so he snuggled in deeper. He heard a "hmph" from Bro and ignored it. He felt himself getting very sleepy.

This was the climax of the movie. Shit was transpirin' _left and right_. But his eyes just wouldn't stay open. He woke up to Bro snorting and leaning down to set his empty beer can on the table.

"Did I miss the ending?" John yawned, stretching his arms.

"Hell yeah you missed the ending. I went through every GD extra feature on the DVD waiting for you to wake up."

"Oh no! I missed Donald's death!" He grabbed onto Bro's arms and looked up at him in concern. "Did you cry, Bro? Did you cry at Donald's death? I won't make fun of you if you did."

Bro leaned down. "I wept one lone tear, and it was the manliest tear that was ever wept. And you missed it." He drew the last sentence out in an attempt to torture John. It worked.

John groaned and flung himself against the couch. "Why didn't you wake me up? Were you just gonna sit there and let me drool on your shoulder all night?"

Bro put a hand over his heart. "I told you, little shota dudes are my weakness. And you were kawaii as hell with your head all pressed against my shoulder, dreamin' of long legs and freakishly large eyes. I couldn't bear to disturb that."

John's cheeks flushed as he mumbled "I ain't no shota." He was suddenly grateful for the lack of lighting in the room.

"If the Cage-a-thon is over," Bro said standing up, "I think I'll head to the roof, practice some moves. You never know when a strife will break out."

John nodded and stood, and before Bro could resist, he wrapped his arms around the old douchebag and squeezed as hard as he could.

Bro grunted at the impact. "Jesus, you're a hell of a lot stronger than a magical girl," he groaned. He hugged back, begrudgingly. John squeezed once more before releasing him.

"Goodnight, Bro! And may Nicolas Cage bless your dreams."

With a grunt and a tip of the hat, Bro left. John collected his DVDs, patting each one gently as he put them away, then made his way to the bathroom to get ready for bed.

Today had been a very good day.


	4. Those God Damn Striders.

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> John ==> Argue With Dave  
> Bro ==> Tell Cal About Your Day.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> uh-oh my angst senses are tingling

In the bathroom, he brushed his teeth lazily, recalling the events of his day.

Maybe he had been wrong about Bro. He came on a little strong, but...He was alright once you got used to him. Dave was always so weird about him, but Dave was just a weird guy. He was probably just overreacting. Bro was...nice. Very nice.

_Egbert, I do not like that tone you're using. Dave is the one that you like, remember? Dave is the one you want to hop into Grease Lightning with and fly off into the sunset. He is "the one that you want"._

_........But Bro is nice too._

His brushing became more aggressive as he became more frustrated. His gums were saved by a knock at the door.

"John?" It was Dave's voice. John opened the door, letting him in. "I just wanted to make sure everything was...ok, I guess. With my brother."

John nodded. "Everything's hunky-dory! I actually had a lot of fun with him. He's a pretty cool guy once you get past the weird get-up and the puppet thing."

"I guess," Dave mumbled. John could practically hear his eyes rolling. "But maybe you could hang out with me and TZ later. You know, I brought her along because I want her to get to know everyone. As much as it pains me to admit this...your opinion _means_ something to me, Egderp. I wanna know what you think of her."

_Ouch. Right in the gut, Strider._

"You want to know...what I think?"

"Don't make me say it again."

"I think," John took a deep breath and spat out the rest of his sentence in one long breath, "that you are spending so much time with her that you are forgetting about your other buddies and maybe she is taking over your life a bit and maybe you should think about how other people feel."

Dave was quiet, and John turned to him. Whatever he was feeling, John couldn't read it.

"Well, thank you for your opinion, John. It's good to know that my best bro _of all time who I would support no matter what weird decision they made in life_ can't support the healthiest and happiest relationship I've ever been in."

"Daaave, don't be like that! _You_ asked _me_ how I felt."

"And you said that I wasn't spending enough bro-time with you when _I just said that I want to spend some bro-time with you._ "

"With _her_!" John added, jamming his index finger against the sink as if that would somehow help prove he was right. "You only want to hang out _if she's there with you_."

Dave threw his hands in the air. " _Excuse_ me for wanting my best friend and my girlfriend to get along!"

"I just want to hang out with _you._ I need some quality Strider time."

Dave crossed his arms in front of him. "It seemed like you were getting an awful lot of Strider time from Bro today. He your new best friend now?"

"He might as well be since you're obviously too busy with _TZ_." John turned away from him and continued brushing his teeth. This was not a conversation he wanted to be having. Why was he yelling at Dave. Why was Dave yelling back. What the hell was happening.

"Great. I hope the two of you are really happy together."

"We are!" John yelled. "At least he can appreciate a good Nic Cage movie!" _As if any_ one _of them_ wasn't _good._ He filled his hand with water and brought it to his lips, sucking the water in and swishing it around his mouth violently.

Dave scoffed. "Oh, is that why you were snuggled so close to him earlier? Is that all it takes for you to get a boner over someone, for them to sit through a Nic Cage movie? Or is your little schoolgirl crush only because he stole your first kiss?"

Water sprayed from John's mouth like a fountain. It would have been hilarious in any other circumstance. His hand went to his face as he felt the blood pool in his cheeks.

"John."

He buried his face deeper into his hand.

"John."

Oh god.

" _John._ "

He ignored Dave and began to clean the water off of the mirror.

" _John you were supposed to deny that accusation!_ "

John turned to Dave, still beet red. "It wasn't my first kiss. It was like, my seventh. There, are you happy?"

" _That's not what I meant!_ "

John groaned and thrust his face into his hands again. "I just think he's a cool dude, ok? Any other feelings I have for him have been crushed down to the very core of my being, where they will remain dormant for all of eternity because _I am not into my friends' douchey older brothers._ "

"Good!" Dave snapped. "They better stay dormant!"

"Oh, don't worry, _Dave_ ," John snapped right back, "they will remain dormant! Because _I_ am a good friend and _I_ take other people's feelings into consideration before running off with the first pretty thing to catch my eye!" He shoved past Dave and started towards his room.

"I am just _sooo_ happy for you, John," Dave shouted from down the hall. "I am so happy that you can be such an _amazing_ friend! I am so _lucky_ to be blessed with your friendship!"

"Yup, it's really amazing how I have the decency to be empathetic towards the people I claim to care about!"

"So, so proud of you, John! Maybe I'll tell your dad what a _great friend_ you are and he can write you another note. I hope you and Bro live happily ever after in the most non-romantic and beautiful bromance there ever was!"

"Thanks, we will!"

" _And Nic Cage sucks!_ " A door slammed.

"Don't take it out on Nic Cage if you can't appreciate a true artist!" John yelled before slamming his door. He opened it once to add, "You suck more!" and slammed the door again before throwing himself face first into his pillow and screaming.

\----------------------------------------------------------------

After three hours of katana practice and a pit stop in the kitchen for some orange soda (only the classiest drinks for the classiest of dudes), Bro headed to his room. When he got there, he found his best bro, Lil Cal, sitting on his bed, waiting for him.

"Cal, dog, am I glad to see you."

Cal stared at him, wide-eyed and smiling. Bro flung himself onto the bed, his head settling by Cal's feet and his legs dangling off of the edge.

"I told you about Dave's friend, Little Shota Riding Hood, right? So this morning, the motherfuckin' crack o' dawn, Dave drags me out of bed moaning about how I corrupted the poor kid's purity and how there aren't any weirdos like me in Washington or wherever the kid's from and how I probably scarred the kid for life, and he says that if I don't do something about it then Dave will leave and never come back. So we find the kid, and I say 'hey, have I got a deal for you. To get Dave here to shut up, I am going to give you free katana lessons.' And you know what the little shit does?"

Cal stared, not even attempting to make a guess.

" _He turned me down._ "

He turns to Cal, who is speechless, before continuing.

"So I say, 'fine, whatever, I tried,' but I guess I really musta pissed this kid off because then he suggests that we have a _Nic Cage marathon_."

Cal was shocked.

"I know, right? Anyway, this marathon lasts _all day._ But it turned out to be...pretty okay. I know, I know. There were honest-to-god zero levels of irony in the joy I felt today. It was spooky."

He turned back to Cal, pausing to let him speak.

"I don't know what made it so enjoyable. Maybe it was that Egbert kid. He's so...sincere about everything. Especially Nic fuckin' Cage. It's sort of cute, thuogh. He _is_ totally shota, after all."

Bro chuckled. "Yeah, he's the one I caught under the mistletoe the other day."

"How do I feel about him? Well, jeez, Cal, I don't really know the kid that well. He slept over a few times for Dave's birthday, but besides that, I'd hardly spoken to him before yesterday."

Bro looked up, glaring at Cal. "No, I don't think there's anything inappropriate about our relationship. We were just two buddies havin' a good ole fashioned Cage-Fest. Where's the harm in that?"

"No, Cal, of course I haven't kissed him again! That was just a joke. He looked so sad and pathetic, standing there all alone under the mistletoe after Dave left him. I couldn't leave him hanging; 'tis not the bro way."

"No, nothing happened! ...Well -- ok, this was no big deal at all, but he gave me this hug, and...it was nice, I guess. But it was just a hug shared between two bros, y'know? Nothing more intimate or complicated about it."

"I don't _know_ how he feels, but hey, could you blame him if he did want a slice of the Strider?"

"Y'know, Cal, I just came in here to share my day with you. I didn't realize you would get all judge-y on me."

" _Yes, I know how old he is, Cal._ "

"Fuck this, if you're gonna keep yapping about my _'inappropriate relationship with the shota one'_ all night then I am going to throw you in the closet."

Cal stared incredulously.

"Fine, if that's the way it's gonna be, then that's the way it's gonna be. Don't say I didn't warn you, dog."

Bro stood up, picked up Cal, threw him into the closet, and slammed the door after, yelling " _Goodnight!_ ".

He went to bed soon after, but it was a long time before he fell asleep. When he did, he dreamt of long legs and freakishly large eyes.


	5. The Wrath of Jade Harley

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> In which Jade gets unreasonably upset and Bro skips out on dinner.

John spent the majority of the next two days glaring at Dave every time their paths crossed.

On the first day, he tried to coerce Bro and Jade into hanging out. They agreed, but as soon as John mentioned Nic Cage, they bolted. He followed Rose around while she Skyped with Kanaya from her phone, until she led him into a trap. She walked right into the dining room, where Mom and Dad were finalizing the seating chart. As soon as Dad saw John, he offered him a cake. John refused, of course, but then Dad noticed a hair on John's chin. John spent the rest of the day in shaving cream earning his manhood. 

At the dinner table, Bro asked John if Nic Cage preferred his men clean-shaven. John blew a raspberry in response.

Day two was more successful. He snuck up on Harley and managed to corner her before she could escape.

"Jaaaaaaade," John whined, tugging on her arm. Jade rolled her eyes but let herself be pulled towards the couch. "I promise, I won't even bring up Nic Cage _once_! I just want to hang out with someone who doesn't keep a stockpile of shaving cream by his bed or have a sick obsession with baked goods. Rose is glued to her phone, waiting for updates from Kanaya. You and Bro are my only options!"

He pushed her into a sitting position, then John sat down next to her.

"Dave isn't an option?"

John bit his lip. He had hoped she wouldn't notice that he had left Dave out. He mumbled something in response, to which Jade placed her hands in her lap and raised her eyebrows in a "boy I ain't havin' none o' your shit today" expression.

"He's probably too busy with Terezi," John repeated quietly.

Jade's eyes dropped and she leaned foward to rest her chin in her hands. "Oh, yeah. You're probably right."

"And besides," John leaned onto Jade, resting his head agaisnt her arm. "Dave and I aren't exactly on speaking terms."

Jade perked up and turned towards John, her face full of concern. "What happened?"

"Well..." How could he word this so he was neither the victim or the aggressor? "Um, I got mad at him for neglecting his friends in favor of his girlfriend, and he got mad at me because he thinks I have a crush on Bro."

Jade's eyes grew wide. " _Do_ you have a crush on Bro?"

" _Puh-lease!_ " John shoved her arm softly. "I hardly know the guy. I'm not some frail virgin who faints every time a good-looking guy gives them attention."

Jade smirked. "But you do think he's good-looking."

John rolled his eyes. "Jade, please. Bro is not my crush. My crush is much more age-appropriate."

"So you do have _a_ crush!"

Oh. Whoopsie-daisy.

"Um...yes. Yes, I do."

"Eeee!" Jade wiggled in her seat. "Who is it? Where did you meet?"

John gulped. "We met...online..."

Jade made a small, thoughtful noise. "Do I know them? Where online did you meet?"

John rubbed his neck nervously. "You know, we've known each other for so long, I don't really remember where we met, exactly. But, yeah, I'd say you know them pretty well."

Jade scrunched her nose. "I do? Well...who is it?"

John flung his head back and dragged a hand over his face to muffle his response. "They're actually here, in this house, right now." He peeked through his fingers to watch her response. Her face was blank.

"It's not Rose, is it."

John shook his head.

"Or Terezi, or even Roxy."

John lowered his hand. "Jade --"

As soon as the word had left his mouth, Jade's palm connected with the side of his head.

"Ow! Jade, what's wrong with you?" John grabbed onto the side of his now throbbing head.

"What's wrong with _me!?_ What's wrong with _you_?!" She was standing now, towering over John. She couldn't have looked more terrifying if she tried. "Dave is your best friend, and you go and get a crush on him?!"

"It's not my fault, Jade!" John threw his arms up in self-defense as she swatted at him. "It just happened!"

"You're such a hypocrite! You think Dave's being inconsiderate by dating Terezi? How do you think that would effect the group dynamic if _you_ were dating Dave?" She glared down at him. "And what if the two of you _broke up_? Do you know how awkward that would make things between the four of us?"

"Jade, I never even acted on it! It's just a stupid crush!" John cried. Oh God what was happening why was this happening to him he just wanted his daddy to come and save him _please dad please pick this moment to teach me a very important life lesson and tell me how proud you are of me please dad oh God I am so scared._

"That's right it's just a stupid crush!" Jade yelled, slapping his arm repeatedly. "It's just a stupid crush that you will never act on because _you are not a selfish person, John Egbert! You care about the integrity of this group and you would do anything to hold it together._ "

Something about Jade's tone had changed in that last rant. He looked up and saw watery eyes in her fierce expression. Before he could react, she had turned on her heel and ran from the room. After a dazed moment, John got up to follow her, but she had dissappeared.

\----------------------------------------------------------------

For the rest of the afternoon, he was too afraid of quarreling with someone else he cared about, so he stayed in his bedroom. He opened his laptop and the bright Pesterchum logo blinked at him tauntingly.

_You. No thank you, Pesterchum. It's not like any of my buddies are in the mood to talk to me right now, anyway. Except for maybe Rose, but she's probably still talking to her lady-friend._

He groaned.

The computer didn't stay on for very long. The wifi here was on-and-off so internet was pretty useless, and there were only so many times you could play through Cake Mania before it became just plain tedious.

_Wi-fi...add that to the list of things to fix up around the place when Dad and I officially move in._

He lay back on his bed, staring up at his ceiling and wondering just how he had ended up in a house full of his best friends and no one to talk to.

The ring of the dinner bell reverberating through the house brought relief to him at first, but then he remembered what dinner entailed. Interacting. With people. Some of whom he was refraining from interacting with at the moment.

_At least Bro might have an interesting story about where he's been hiding all day._

With a grunt, John rolled out of bed. However awkward dinner might be, he knew that the guilt trip Mom would lay on him would be a thousand times worse.

He left the room and trudged down the hall, making his journey as slow as it could be. Halfway there, he saw Bro Strider coming towards him in the opposite direction. His katana was in his hand, unsheathed, the blade balanced on one shoulder.

Bro halted to a stop. Peering over his shades to eye John. "You're not going to drag me away for a Kevin Spacey marathon if I get too close, are you?"

John held his hands up to show he meant no harm. "Just passing through on my way to dinner."

Bro approached him cautiously, and as he got closer John saw that his white polo was now brown. Bro was leaving a trail of mud and grass in his wake. Now it was John's turn to stop abruptly.

"What happened to you?"

Bro made a noise of disgust. "Strife got a little out of hand."

"If you look this awful, I'd hate to see how Dave looks."

Bro shook his head in disgust. "Little shit got away with barely a scrap. He landed in a pile of snow; I landed in mud. That was when RoLal broke up the fight for dinner."

"So..." John watched him expectantly. "Why aren't you at dinner?"

Bro slowly waved his hand up and down, reminding John of the state he was in. "I thought I would skip dinner in leiu of cleaning myself up a bit."

"Oh."

_Why does that make me so disappointed?_

"Won't you get hungry?"

And then Bro snorted. "I appreciate the concern, Madokabert, but I've got a stash of delicious junk food just for an occasion like this."

John nodded slowly, and then his eyes lit up as an idea sprung on him.

"Do you think you have enough for two?"

"Hmm." Bro pressed a finger against John's nose and John swiped him away. "It takes more than that to get into my pants, Lame-bert."

He slapped Bro's hand away as his index finger made another attempt at booping his nose. "It's not like that! I just really, _really_ don't want to deal with those people right now."

Bro seemed to consider him, then pulled his katana down to examine it. "Running away from your problems?"

"Well, technically, uhm..."

Bro nodded. "I can get behind that." He placed the katana back over his shoulder and walked forward. "This way, little shota dude."


	6. Lil Cal Earns Gloating Rights

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> In which John and Bro are alone together.
> 
> And Bro is shirtless.
> 
> *wink wonk*

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i apologize to squirrelKid for making them think that Bro wasn't going to be a total asshat.

Bro's room was much tidier than John expected it to be. It was spotless; even the bed was made. Frankly, it looked exactly the opposite of how John imagined Bro's room would look (if he had ever imagined, that is), and looked nothing like their home in Texas. Although John had only been there a handful of times, each visit was more disgusting than the next. At first, when he would visit, it seemed like they made an attempt to clean up. But by the fourth sleepover, they had given up altogether. Which made John happy, because he thought it meant they had accepted him as part of the gang. On the other hand, it was really gross. it was really, really gross.

But this room was not at all gross. It was _immaculate_. There was nary a weird little felt dude or chinese take-out box in sight.

When he finally noticed Bro staring at him, John realized he had been standing in the doorway the entire time, staring into Bro's room.

"What?" Bro's tone was defensive.

"Nothing." John shook his head and shrugged his shoulders. Moving into the room, he let the door shut behind him. "I'm just surprised by how clean your room is. I half-expected to be drowning in smuppet-ass when I walked in here."

"Oh, that." Bro walked over to his closet and John could swear he heard Bro _huff_. "Well, Roxy and I used to live together, so she knew about my...living habits. She took precautions against them."

"Uh...what does that mean?"

Bro grunted but didn't answer. Instead, he went to the closet and dragged out two duffel bags. He tossed the smaller one to John. "Chips are in the bag. Doritos, Cheetos, and some weird Japanese brand. Take your pick."

John sat down on the edge of the bed and unzipped the bag. The first bag he saw was the Japanese brand, which he eyed suspiciously before shoving it aside. It had a cartoon of a pickle and a strawberry holding hands. He grabbed a bag of Doritos then wiggled his way to the head of the bed and made himself comfortable.

"So do you take a duffel bag full of junk food with you everywhere you go?"

"Wouldn't leave the house without one."

"Wait --" John shot forward. Did Bro just say...? "You and Roxy...lived together? When!?"

"She was in college, I was working." He was taking his glasses and hat off now. He set them on a chair by the closet. John admired how Bro's hair had the ability to keep it's shape after being under a hat for so long. "Neither of us could afford to live on our own, so we got a place together."

And then Bro was peeling his shirt off and _oh God how did I never realize how hot Dave's bro is????????_

John had never really been into buff guys, but Bro wore his musculature _extremely_ well.

_Oh God his back his back his back stop looking don't drool oh jeEZ he turned around his stomach I want to lick his chest no I don't stop yes please oh wow stop staring before he notices oh God I need Jesus stop staring oh God he's looking right at me._

John locked eyes with Bro and waited, his cheeks turning pink. He expected a snarky comment, but instead Bro just picked up his duffel bag and headed towards a door across from the bed. "I'm gonna clean off. I'll be five minutes."

When Bro opened the door, he realized what was behind it.

"You have your own bathroom?"

"One of the perks of being the most slovenly house guest; no one wants to share any space with you, so you get the most amount of space." Bro walked into the bathrom and closed the door behind him. Not a second later, his head reappeared in the doorframe. "No snooping while I'm in here." His head disappeared again, and moments later John heard the sound of a shower turning on.

 _No snooping?_ To John, that sounded more like a challenge than an order. Nonetheless, he decided to behave himself.

Until he realized how thirsty he was.

_He can't just have chips in here! There has to be something to drink around here somewhere..._

Standing up, he looked around the room slowly, trying to deduce where Bro could be hiding the beverages. The room seemed to be completely empty. His eyes stopped at the closet. _There must be another duffel bag in there for the drinks._

John made his way to the closet, opening the door as slowly as he could so as to make as little noise as possible when _oh God what is that monstrosity staring up at me._

Something was staring back at him from inside of the closet, something that he was sure could see into his very soul. He managed to break away from it's vision to look down at the shirt it was wearing. "CAL" was written in large, white letters across it's torso.

" _You._ "

John had heard stories about this thing from Dave, but he had never actually seen it in the flesh. And God, how he wished he could still say the same.

"I'm not afraid of you."

Cal looked unconvinced.

"...Ok maybe I am a little bit afraid of you."

John closed his eyes and reached out, groping for Lil Cal in the dark. When he felt the plush body, he shoved it to the side as hard as he could. He heard a soft thump and opened his eyes to see Cal was now face down on the ground. Now that his soul was safe from those haunting eyes, he felt safe to search the closet.

He found nothing.

He heard the shower turn off as he closed the closet door and leapt back onto the bed. A minute later, Bro emerged, shirtless, in sweatpants, and with a towel around his neck. He dropped the duffel bag beside the bed as his eyes searched the room.

"...You didn't do anything, did you?"

John shoved a handful of chips into his mouth and shook his head. He swallowed, a chunk of Dorito scraping against his throat. "Nope!"

Bro gave him a look, then walked over to the bed. John definitely wasn't watching the lines of his pelvic bone move back and forth. He definitely was not transfixed by the small patch of blonde hair that led down from Bro's navel.

Stopping at the side of the bed, he reached into the smaller duffel bag and pulled out a bag of flaming hot Cheetos. He reached into the bag once more and dug deeper. When he brought his hand back out, he had a small can of grape soda, which he handed to John.

"Grape okay?"

 _Of course that's where they were._ "Yeah, grape is fine!"

He handed the can to John, then set the duffel bag onto the floor.

"Alright, magical girl," Bro said, gesturing with the bag of cheetos. "Scoot over."

"Magical girl?" John held his leg up, pulling the leg of his shorts up as far as they'd go. "Have you seen how non-shoujo my legs are? Look at how short and chubby this leg is!" He slid a hand up and down his leg, showcasing their lack of shoujo. Bro's orange eyes only stared down at him, making him realize just how awkward this pose was. So he pulled his leg down and scooted over. It was a small bed, but Bro fit snuggly beside him.

Bro had opened the Cheetos now and was munching on them. "So, Tuxedo Mask. Why didn't you want to go to dinner?"

"Ah, well..." _It would be much easier to talk to you if you would put a shirt on._ "Dave and I aren't speaking, and Jade and I got into it earlier. And as much as I love them, Mom and Dad aren't the best conversationalists. Rose is so absorbed in her long distance romance that it's hard to hold a conversation with her." His eyes shot down as he thought of Roxy. "I guess Mom will be pretty pissed that I missed dinner."

They were so close that John could feel Bro's shoulder pressing against him as he shrugged. "Don't worry about it. I'll talk to Rox and cover for you."

"Uh, thanks, I guess."

"Ok, the whole 'Mom' thing... Does she actually insist you call her that, or...?"

John fidgeted and scrunched his nose. "She never explicitly said not to call her Roxy, but when she first introduced herself, she just called herself 'Mom', and now anything else feels...wrong." He emphasized with a shutter.

"I guess you can call her whatever you two feel comfortable with, but...it still seems weird to me."

John stifled a laugh. Bro shot him a look. "You think _that's_ weird? Everyone calls you _Bro_! Do you think that's normal?"

Bro made a face as if the answer should be obvious. "No, it's not _normal_ , but neither am I. I am above average, therefore I require an above average moniker."

"Excuse me, Mr. Above-Average-Pants. I didn't realize you were so _special._ "

"Damn right I'm special."

John opened his mouth to reply, but Bro had already guessed his response.

" _Yeah, Special Ed!_ " They said in unison. Except Bro added "Jinx!" to the end of his statement.

John glowered at him. So many things he wanted to say, but he wouldn't dare break a jinx. His prankster's gambit had already suffered too much this past week; he couldn't afford to take another hit.

"Hmm, speechless, are we, Madokabert?" Bro popped a Cheeto in his mouth slowly, the smug expression on his face almsot painful to look at. "Let this be a lesson in succumbing to lame-ass jokes."

John glowered again. Then he poked Bro in the side. And then again, and again, each poke harder than the last.

"Lame-bert, please," Bro said, lazily chewing on another cheeto. "Feel how god damn rock-hard I am. You really think your little schoolboy finger is bothering me? No, go ahead, keep poking. I admire your tenacity. You remind me of a much younger me, back when I wasn't so filthy-stinking rich that I didn't need ambitions in life."

Bro was still ranting, but John had stopped listening. He was still poking, but he was becoming frustrated. Not because they weren't having an effect; they _were_ having an effect. On John's groin.

Oh, wow, he really was rock-hard.

His finger had moved onto Bro's stomach, and his pokes were getting slower and now he wasn't even poking he was literally just rubbing his palm up and down Bro's stomach, tracing over the angles and curves with his fingers, working his way up towards his chest and when had Bro stopped talking and _did he just shiver beneath my hand._

" _John._ "

Bro snatched John's hand in his, finally breaking John out of his stupor.

John looked up at him and saw orange -- no, orange isn't even the right word. Orange was too basic. It's not bright or warm enough to describe those eyes. That color is somewhere between Heatwave and Mango Tango on the Crayola charts. _How the hell do you get an eye color that even Crayola can't describe?_

"What are you doing?"

John couldn't stop staring -- it should have been awkward by now, this amount of staring, but he wanted to soak in every detail of Bro's face -- his usually light hair was now dark gold, wet and pressing against his temples, shooting up in a few places where it had already begun to dry. The way his nose turned at just the right angle, meeting his brow line, where both eyebrows were raised expectantly at John. And his eyes kept staring right back at John, unblinking, as if he was just as prepared to turn this into a staring contest.

As Bro's tongue darted out to lick his lips, John's eyes dropped to his mouth and suddenly he was overcome with want and _Are you a man or not? Just fucking DO IT ALREADY!_ So he lunged at Bro and was met with a quick response, an eager mouth, almost too eager, as if Bro had seen this coming all along, as if he had been expecting John to attack him, and the thought that he was so easy to predict, or maybe just that Bro was so capable of predicting his actions, annoyed him, so he bit down hard on Bro's lower lip, dragging up as he took a breath.

Bro's response was something between a muffled laugh and a soft moan. The noise pushed all annoyances out of John's mind and he pressed harder against Bro, grasping at shoulders and neck as if he would fall away if he couldn't find purchase. With a jerking motion, Bro pushed John onto his back and was now pressing him against the bed. John was fine with his new position; his chest grew tighter and the sensation deep in his gut grew warmer and stronger each time Bro pushed against him, their bodies burning together, and then Bro was mimicking the bite John had given him earlier and wow he never realized how into biting he was.

And then Bro's familiar tongue was there, lapping against the tender spot he had bitten, and John could feel the flecks of spice from the cheetos on Bro's tongue burn through the cracks in his lips and the burn hurt but it was just fuel to the fire they were both immersed in and finally, regretfully, John had to pull away because oh right air was a thing that people needed and Bro was just staring down at him, all burnt siennas and dark golds and fire.

"You taste spicy," John mumbled, still gasping to catch his breath.

Bro mumbled a "sorry" against the pulse in his throat, still too out-of-breath to do anything but nuzzle against John's collarbone.

"'Salright, I like it."

He swore he could feel Bro smirking against the crook of his neck, then he was sucking and nipping and one nip was particularly hard, sending a spark straight to his groin and _Jesus since when do I have a thing for pain?_

Despite the jolts to his groin, the air and lack of lips against his gave him a moment to think, and he suddenly realized that his best friend's brother was straddling him and sucking on his neck and yes oh yes that was definitely Bro's hard dick that was rubbing against John's hip bone.

Then Bro paused, looking up at John. "Didn't I jinx you?"

"You said my name."

Bro sat up. "Only 'cause you wouldn't stop groping me."

John quirked an eyebrow. "Is that a complaint? Because, just a second ago, you seemed to be enjoying molesting my collarbone. I would say you seemed almost enthusiastic about it."

"I never said I didn't like it, I just think that's cheating. Technically, you owe me a coke."

"I don't owe you shit, Strider! You said my name, so I get to talk."

Now Bro was the one glowering.

"Ok, this is stupid," John said. "Let me up."

"What, just because I don't agree with the way you play the game, you don't wanna fondle sempai's goods no more?"

"No, _Strider-sempai_ ," John said, shoving Bro away. "It's because I just realized how weird this is." John sat up, tucking his knees under his chin. "I have a pretty serious crush on your brother, and have had one for a while now. So pardon me if I'm a little weirded out by my sudden desire to jump you."

"You like Dave?"

The tone Bro used wasn't inquiring, empathetic, or even disappointed. It was more...annoyed. Offended, even.

John looked up at him. "Hello, Earth to Bro? You knew that already. Remember a certain _incident_ under the _mistletoe?_ "

"I assumed you were over it. I didn't realize you were the kind of guy who went around instigating games of tongue-of-war with your crush-slash-best-friend's brother."

Wow. Forget the punches his gambit was taking, that just _hurt._

"You kissed me first. And only four days ago! You kissed me, and now -- now everything is weird, and Dave is mad at me because he thinks I like you, and Jade is mad at me because I like Dave, and then you're running around shirtless with your _muscles_ \-- and you invited me here! You invited me back to your room!"

"You invited yourself! I didn't let you tag along because I was planning on playing tonsil hockey, ok? I felt bad for you, with your big puppy dog eyes staring up at me, all _'oh, Strider-kun, do you think you have enough for two?'_ Just 'cause you're a horny kid doesn't put me or my glistening pecs at fault here. You're young; being young means being fickle. I figured four days was long enough for someone your age to get over a crush."

"How was I supposed to get over a crush I've been harboring for six months _in four days!?_ "

Bro opened his mouth to respond, but closed it again, instead rubbing his eyes and pinching the bridge of his nose. "Wait, how long have you had this crush?"

"Six months." John watched Bro's expression change, he could practically see the gears turning behind his eyes. Then he barked out a loud, harsh laugh. "And Dave thinks I'm the one with separation anxiety." When John looked up, Bro's eyes weren't bright or inviting anymore. They were cold and cut-off.

"What is that supposed to mean?"

"Your crush is six months old? That's about the same length as Dave and Terezi's relationship, isn't it?"

John turned away, burying his chin farther into his knees. "My feelings for Dave have nothing to do with her."

"I beg to differ." Bro had moved off of the bed now, and was digging through the larger duffel bag. "I don't think you have a crush on Dave at all. I think you're jealous that someone else is taking up all of his time and are taking it out on TZ."

God, why did everyone call her that? Couldn't they just say her _name_? Those letters grated against John's ears and he stood up, walking towards the door. He got enough Freudian bullshit from Rose; he didn't need anyone else analyzing his actions and thought processes.

"What, did I hit a soft spot?" Bro said, pulling a t-shirt over his head.

_You couldn't have put a shirt on earlier?_

John ignored his taunt and reached for the door, then paused. The scene Bro created at the dinner table after their first kiss flashed across his mind.

"Um." He chewed on his lip, then turned his head to speak over his shoulder. "Please don't tell Dad or Mom or anyone that we, uh...you know."

Bro scoffed behind him. "Yeah, because normally the first thing I do after making out with an underage kid is run to his parents to share the good news."

John's inital reaction was to ask how many underage kids Bro had shared a liplock with but he knew it would come out with him biting his lip and making his eyes wide so he kept his mouth shut as he walked out of the room.

\----------------------------------------------------------------

After the door closed behind John, Bro grabbed his duffel bag, swung open the closet door, and threw the bag at the ground. He saw Cal face-down on the ground, and assumed he had knocked him over. He picked Cal up and considered setting him on the bed, but then caught a glimpse of the doll's smug expression and threw him back on the ground.

"Shut up, Cal."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> bro
> 
> bro please
> 
> bro you are supposed to be an adult why are you acting like a jealous little kid
> 
> (i promise there will be hxc fluff later on to make up for all the self-imposed drama)


	7. The Prankmaster's Apprentice

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> John and Terezi bond.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> platonic John/Terezi!!! a very under-appreciated ship.
> 
> i'm sorry it took so long for this chapter! i am a huge butt.

John was stomping.

He was stomping down the hallway like a child having a fit, and he didn't care who knew it.

 _What is happening,_ he thought for the millionth time that week.

He was literally in a house full of people whom he loved and cared about more than anything else in the world, and he couldn't talk to any of them. Two of them were either too obnoxious on their own or too engrossed in each other's company when together, one was too busy swooning over her long-distance girlfriend to give anyone else a moment's thought, and the other three were mad at him. This was supposed to be the best Christmas ever, and it was turning into the worst month of his life.

He had been so excited when they were planning things out. They would fly cousin Jade in, Dave and Bro would come, and they would all spend their very first Christmas together, and they would make a tradition out of it. The group had decided that this was something they were going to do every year from now on, because they were each other's family. And he was so happy for Mom and Dad -- to make everything more convenient for the extended family, they had planned their wedding right after New Year's so no one would have to make multiple trips. Everything was planned so perfectly; he was going to spend a whole four weeks with his best friends in the entire world, and know he had royally fucked it all up.

All because of a stupid crush. All because of a stupid boner his stupid crush's brother gave him. All because he was a stupid, horny teenager.

He wasn't stomping anymore. He couldn't stomp anymore. Stomping was for people who had earned it; he hadn't earned anything except the anger of his friends. So he quietly dragged his feet back to his room.

When his door came into view, he noticed a figure shuffling beside it. Once closer, he realized it was Terezi, turning her head around as if she were looking for something.

"John?" she called out. "Are you in there?"

"Terezi?" He moved forward slowly, suspicious of just what the hell she was doing waiting outside of his room.

"Ah, John!" She turned so she was almost facing him, but she was facing a little too far to the right. She held her arms out. "That's you, right? I can't see very well."

None of the lights in this hall were on; the only source of light came from an opening at the opposite end of the hall, where this hallway opened into the living room. It was dark, but it wasn't _that_ dark.

"Yeah, Terezi, it's me. What are you doing out here?" He stopped close enough to her so she could touch him. She reached out, grabbing onto his arm.

"I wanted to talk to you, dummy!" She said, playfully slapping the arm she was holding onto and barring her teeth in a menacing grin. "It wasn't this dark a few minutes ago, though. I think a light must have gone out."

John shook his head, then moved a step to the left so he was closer to a sconce on the wall and waved his hand in front of it. There was a flash, and suddenly the hallway was illuminated. "The lights are motion-activated. You must not have been close enough to a light or too still or something."

Terezi frowned. "Oh. I didn't think of that." She tilted her head to the side, her expression thoughtful, and then her face brightened. "Anyway, I wanted to talk to you!"

"Um, do you think it could wait?" He moved past her and placed his hand on the doorknob to his bedroom. "I've kind of had a long day and I'd rather just be alone right now."

"Joooooooohn." Her chin was resting on his shoulder now. "Please? It's really important. It's, um...sort of about Dave." Her chin slipped away as his hand slipped off the doorknob. He turned around, fidgeting.

"What about Dave?"

Terezi smiled. "I knew that would get your attention." She clasped her hands in front of her, her expression turning into one of Serious Business. "You and Dave are in the middle of an argument, correct?"

John nodded.

"And that's why you two have been ignoring each other so passionately for the past couple of days?"

He nodded, again.

Terezi brought her clasped hands into the front of her face and held them out to John. "John, I am begging you, _please_ make up with Dave."

_Um...what?_

She sheld her hands out in defense. "I'm not gonna ask what the two of you were fighting about because that's between you and Dave, but, please, whatever it is, just...get over it. Forgive him for doing whaever pig-headed thing he did and hug it out." John opened his mouth, but Terezi wouldn't let him speak. "Please don't say anything yet! I...to be honest, John," her hands fell to her sides and her tan cheeks turned slightly pink, "I've always been a little jealous of you."

"You...what?"

Terezi sighed, sighed so deeply and in such a way that John felt some tension dissipate from his own shoulders. "He never shuts up about you! Even when we first met, he was always going on about his goofy-yet-lovable best buddy who lived practically across the globe, and I thought to myself, ' _move along, TZ, this boy's taken._ ' But despite the overwhelming amount of _you_ in his system, he somehow still had room for a little bit o' Pyrope."

John just stared, his cheeks flushing, throat dry.

_Ah, so this is the mind-boggling concept the Striders so often refer to as "irony"._

"I can always tell when you two have had an arugment, y'know that? He gets all _moody_ like someone stole his favorite half-sword or something. It's not like when he fights with Big Bro or anyone else. He's just not the same cool kid when he doesn't have you by his side, Egbert."

John Egbert's eyes were not watering up. Yes, his best friend's girlfriend was certainly saying some heart-warming things that would definitely warrent a nice, long session of gross-sobbing, but he wasn't tearing up. It would be totally justified if he was, but he wasn't.

"Truth be told, Egbert, I didn't come here just to have hot make-out sessions under the mistletoe with the coolest cool kid in all of Houston; I came here to meet his family, to meet his best bro; to meet _you._ "

God damn it _no_ this was too much he just wanted to be alone and grumpy and hate this girl why did she have to ruin everything for him why was she being so nice and telling him how much Dave needed him and ugh ugh ugh he just cannot catch a break.

"Terezi, I --"

She pointed a finger at him. "Don't get all emotional on me Egbert, ok? I'm only half done with you."

John nodded, rubbing at one eye.

"And could you make up with Harley, too?" Terezi added. "She and Dave got into it at the dinner table. I'm not really sure what it was about, but...you came up a few times."

_Ugh, Jade. How do I even start to make up for whatever I did to piss her off?_

Terezi walked forward, placing both hands on John's shoulders.

"Now comes the fun part." She grinned mischievously, her teal eyes narrowed and peering at him over her lenses. "I have a propisition to discuss with you. However, the subject matter is very sensitive. It is absolutely imperative that no one overhear us, so if you don't mind, it would be in our best interest for you to invite me into your bedroom."

"Um..." Alone? With Terezi? In his bedroom? He gulped. "What sort of propisition?"

Terezi's grin widened, showing off more of her dangerous-looking teeth. "I hear, Mr. Egbert, that you enjoy pranking."

Slowly, a grin spread across John's face, one that equaled Terezi's in mischievousness. He turned the knob and pressed into the door, swinging it open, then held a hand inside. "Please, Ms. Pyrope; after you."

\--------------------------------------------------------

The next day, John found himself sitting in the kitchen, waiting for Dave. After Terezi's speech, he had decided that their reconciliation was long past overdue.

Dave entered shortly after noon, still in his rumpled pjs, mumbling about apple juice and rubbing his eyes. John grinned and stood up.

"Dave!"

The Strider's hand froze in place above his eye. Slowly, he raised his fist, pulling his shades up so his eyes came into view. He saw John, stayed still for a moment, then slowly let his shades drop back in place. He walked towards the fridge. "I'm surprised to see you without Bro," Dave mumbled. "I heard you skipped out on dinner to try and talk him into a Kevin Spacey marathon."

John's lips twitched. _Really, Bro? That was the best you could come up with?_ "Yup, that sure is a thing that happened!" As Dave's hand reached for the fridge handle, John jumped between Dave and the thermal hull. "Dave! I want to talk to you."

"I'm just trying to get some AJ, John. If you want some attention, why don't you go find my bro." Dave attempted to glare at John through his sunglasses.

"Hehehe, you really are jealous, aren't you, Dave?"

Dave whipped his shades off. "Excuse me? Jealous? Of what, exactly?"

John put a hand on Dave's shoulder (which Dave eyed suspiciously) and smiled. "Dave, it's ok. I talked to TZ. She told me that you basically want to have my platonic babies."

"I don't want to have your platonic babies, Egbert, I wannna get some damn AJ."

"Do not be ashamed of our bromance, Dave," John whispered. "I apologize for spending so much time with your Bro. I didn't realize it would make you uncomfortable, and I only did it because I was jealous of Terezi taking up all of your time."

Dave swept his shades back into place. "...About that...I may have over-reacted."

"I forgive you!" John cried, launching forward to give Dave a hug. Dave grunted in surprise and mumbled, but he accepted the hug without reciprocating. John released him, and stepped back so Dave could finally get his juice, watching him with a small smile.

"So, you and TZ talked?" Dave asked, grabbing a container from the fridge.

"Yup! And, I have to say Dave, she's actually pretty cool."

The side of Dave's lip curled up the tiniest bit for the shortest second, but John caught it.

"I'm glad you two are getting along. Maybe the three of us can hang out today."

"That sounds great!" John said, hopping onto the countertop and swinging his legs. "Except TZ and I already have plans."

Dave set the cup that he had just grabbed from the cabinet down onto the counter. "You and TZ? Plans?"

"Yup! We're planning a bit of Christmas pranking. Ah, speak of the devil!"

Terezi walked in at that moment, waved at John, gave Dave a lick on the cheek, then grabbed the cup of apple juice Dave had just poured for himself.

"Hey! Get your own AJ!" He grabbed at the cup, but TZ held him back with one hand and held the apple juice away from him with the other.

"Why would I pour my own delicious beverage when I have such a super cool boy toy to pour one for me?" She giggled

"Um, TZ," John spoke up, "maybe you should give that back to Dave. I mean, he isn't really himself without his morning AJ, y'know?"

"Forget it, John," Dave sighed. "There's plenty more AJ where that came from." He grabbed another cup from the cabinet.

"But, guys, I really, _really_ think --"

"This delicious nectar of the gods is _mine_ , ya hear me!?" Terezi cried before throwing her head back and taking a large gulp.

John jumped down from the counter "Terezi -- !"

Then apple juice was flying everywhere, spewing from Terezi's mouth.

"Jesus, Terezi!" Dave sprung back, nearly dropping the container onto the ground. "If you're gonna steal my apple juice, at least drink it!"

Terezi looked up at him, eyes wide in horrow. " _That was not apple juice._ "

Dave frowned. "What do you mean? It says 'made from 100% real apples' right here on the jug."

John threw his hands in the air. "Terezi! What are you doing?! Dave was supposed to drink that!"

Dave glared at John. "What do you mean, _I_ was supposed to drink it?"

"Um..." John looked down at his feet and fidgeted. "Well, remember how TZ and I were going to plan some pranks?"

"Yes..."

"We already planned one. Involving that AJ."

" _What the hell did you do to my AJ?_ "

Terezi was silent, her hand pressed tightly to her mouth.

"Trust me, Dave," John said quietly, "you don't want to know."

"Oh, God." Dave's face was twisted. It softened after a surprisingly short moment, and he held his arms out. "It's ok, everything's cool. I mean, not for you, TZ, but that's what you get for teaming up with a total dweeb. However, everything is cool on the AJ front." Dave walked over to the pantry and opened it, revealing a shelf full of apple juice. "Ya see, Momma Roxy took a shine to lil ole Davey. She knows how much her favorite little Texan adores delicious apple-flavored sugar-water and made sure to stock up before I got here." He smirked at the two before turning back to the juice.

John scoffed and rolled his eyes. "Whatever, Dave. It would have been a perfect prank if Terezi hadn't messed it up."

Terezi walked towards John, tugging on the sleeve of his sweater. "Um, John, about that --"

"Wait," Dave said, holding up two containers of apple juice. "All of these apple juices...are open already."

"Yeah, um," Terezi shifted beside John. "Y'see, I think we must have had a miscommunication, because I thought I was supposed to mess with the back-up AJ. I didn't realize you had already done the juice in the fridge..."

Dave's whole body visibly tensed as he stood in front of the pantry, listening to Terezi. Slowly, he placed the AJ back on the shelf and turned around. "So you're telling me that all of this juice is contaminated."

Terezi bit her lip and nodded. John hung his head.

Dave rubbed his fingers against his forehead roughly, leaving red marks when his hand dropped. "You guys are just messing with me, right? This is the real prank. You didn't actually do anything to the AJ, right?"

Terezi walked up to Dave, placed her hands on his arms and rubbed gently. "As the woman who loves you more than anything else in the world and the one who just took a swig of that poison, honey, I am telling you: _you do not want to drink that apple juice_."

Dave stood there, stoic, looking down at Terezi for a full minute before he took in a deep breath. "Ok, then." He turned, and grabbed all of the apple juice. There were five containers on the shelf, and he managed to stack all of them into his arms. He headed toward the door that led to the backyard.

"Dave, sweetie, what are you doing?" Terezi asked, stepping forward and rubbing his back.

"I am going to have a proper funeral for my poor apple-flavored brethren. If you wish to pay your respect to the apple juice you killed today, you can join me outside."

He was through the door before either of them could say a word.

\----------------------------------------------------------------

Once outside, Dave set all of the apple juice down in the snow. Kneeling down, he dug a pit into the snow, and slowly, opened the first container and began to pour it out.

He heard a pair of footsteps stop behind him, and turned around enough to see that the footsteps belonged to John and Terezi. Terezi gave him a small pat on the back. He turned back to his AJ and slowly, one by one, poured each container out. After all of the apple juice was gone, he covered the pit back up with more snow, placed a hand over his heart and sat there for a silent moment, then stood up and faced the culprits.

"Do the two of you have anything to say for yourselves?"

Terezi and John stood beside each other, both with their chins tucked into their necks and their hands behind their backs, looking like guilty little puppies. But the kind that weren't adorable. They kind that were vicious, apple juice-killing, backstabbers.

"I have something to say," John said, lifting his head up slightly. "I'm thirsty."

Dave crossed his arms. "Really, Egbert? You're gonna make jokes at a time like this?"

"I'm kind of thirsty, too," Terezi added, lifting her head up. "Really thirsty, actually."

John's head perked up and his hands came out from behind his back. He was holding a container of apple juice. "Hey, TZ, if you're thirsty, Dave left this container of AJ on the counter! I'll share it with you if you want!"

Terezi's hands appeared next, and she was holding two cups. "Oh man, I love apple juice! It is like the coolest drink, _ever_!"

Dave glared at them. "What are you doing? You poisoned all of the apple juice, remember?"

"We did?" John smiled smugly up at Dave before pouring juice into the two glasses Terezi held. "Are you sure about that?"

Dave watched as TZ and John tinked their glasses, then each took an extra long sip. They both smiled and murmured to each other about how fresh this juice is and oh apples must be in season. The gears in Dave's mind ticked and things began to come together.

Dave brought a hand to his temple and rubbed. "Please tell me that I didn't just pour five gallons worth of delicious, pure, and untainted AJ out into the snow for nothing. Please tell me that this is just a horrible dream I am having. Please tell me I am hallucinating from lack of apple juice. Please tell me that the two of you are not as evil as I think you are."

"Ok, cool kid," Terezi said, grinning at him. "We will tell you that Egbert and I totally poisoned all of the AJ that you just dumped into the snow and are now drinking poisoned AJ just to taunt you."

"It's a lie," John added, "but if it makes you feel better, we'll tell you that."

Dave took a step forward. "Hand over the AJ. Now."

John pulled the juice closer to him and huddled behind Terezi. She put her arms out to protect him. "Not so fast, cool kid!" She pointed a finger at Dave. "We will spill this juice all over the snow if you take a step closer."

"Terezi," Dave spoke, his voice dark, "give me the apple juice."

"We will, cherry boy, we will." Terezi tapped a finger against a lip. "But you have to give us something in return."

"What do you want?"

Terezi held her hands out. "Shades, cool boy. Hand 'em over."

Dave took a step back. "My...shades?"

Terezi nodded, grinning. "Just for the day. You'll get them back tomorrow morning."

"Give up the shades, or the apple juice gets out!" John called out from behind Terezi.

Dave stood for a moment. He needed his shades. They protected him. But he needed the apple juice, too. He eyed the container poking out from behind Terezi. There was barely 2/3 of the container left, but he could make that last for a while. He didn't need a lot to keep him going.

He walked towards Terezi, slowly, and pulled off his shades, squinting in the sunlight.

Terezi smiled, and held her hand out to John. He handed her the apple juice.

"On the count of three, apple-lover?"

Dave nodded.

"1, 2, 3!"

There was a flash of hands and the exchange was complete. Dave cradled the AJ close to him as Terezi placed the shades over her own glasses, snorting. She turned around to show John, who giggled.

"I regret letting either of you into my life and being fool enough to bring you together," Dave said before stomping back into the house. "I have created a monster!"

John and Terezi only barked laughter back at him.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i'm torn between laughing at dave and cooing over him in this chapter. that poor son of a bitch.


	8. The Mistletoe Strikes Again

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> John and Jade confide in each other over dishes.
> 
> ...and then John finds Bro under the mistletoe.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> anything for the sake of irony

The rest of the day was spent plotting and pranking with Terezi. None of their other pranks were as good the torment they put Dave through, but a true pranking master knows that not every prank has to be a masterpiece. Sometimes, you just need to have a little fun.

Mom made the mistake of falling asleep on the couch in the early afternoon. John filled her hand with shaving cream, and Terezi tickled her nose with a feather. It was a classic that even Mom was able to giggle at when she woke up with shaving cream smeared across her face.

Later on, a little before Dad's late afternoon shave, the pair replaced all of his shaving cream with whipped cream. That plan backfired on John, and _hard_. Terezi ran screaming from the room, and John ended up with a face full of whipped cream and a note attached to him. He didn't bother reading the note.

They were still planning an attack on Rose when the dinner bell rang. At dinner, everyone took their regular seat, which meant he was once again sat between Jade and Bro; the two people who he had yet to reconcile with in the house. Jade, he wasn't worried about, especially since she gave him a small apologetic smile as soon as they were both seated, which he returned gratefully. But Bro...he had no idea how to handle Bro. Should he even handle Bro? Was there anything to be handled? He was Dave's older brother, maybe it was best that they didn't have a relationship past that. Besides, it's not like there was any type of non-platonic relationship that was possible for them; he was only 16! 16 and 3/4, but still way too young for someone Bro's age. After all, Bro was...Bro was...

_I don't even know how old he is._

John shot a glance at Bro through the corner of his eye. Beneath his stubble and long sideburns, his skin was relatively smooth, besides a few lines around his eyes. But the few lines he did have only made him look more rugged and handsome and oh God John stop looking at him before you get a boner. He turned away quickly before his thoughts got carried away.

And what about Dave...

He had feelings for Dave, of course he had feelings for Dave, but...maybe there had been some truth in what Bro had said. Maybe he wasn't being completely honest with himself. He had bonded with Terezi, and now every time he looked at Dave, Dave looked...different. He wasn't really sure how he felt anymore. Whatever his feelings were towards the individual Striders, he wanted to figure them out fast. And then get over them, because he reckoned he had about the same chance of ending up with either one of them, and that chance was non-existent.

His thoughts were interrupted by Bro nudging him in the side and making some comment about Kevin Spacey (to keep up with the pretense, John guessed). John just laughed nervously and Bro gave him a strange look.

As soon as dinner was over, John offered to clear the dishes. That would guarantee him some alone time with his thoughts. As soon as his hands were immersed in soapy water, he felt a light tapping on his shoulder. Looking behind him, he saw Jade, smiling lightly with her eyes wide and hopeful.

"I'll dry if you wash," she said.

John nodded, handing her the first plate.

She stood for a minute, drying the plate and biting her lip. He could tell she wanted to say something, and there were things he wanted to say, too, but he waited. Eventually, she let out a heavy breath.

"John," she said, "I'm sorry about the other day."

"It's ok, Jade. You were right, it was selfish of me." He had meant to soothe Jade, but in response, she only huffed.

"Do you really like him, John?"

"Jade, I...really have no idea anymore." He really didn't, and it felt kind of good to say it out loud. As if speaking them aloud made his thoughts more clear.

Jade gnawed on her lip thoughtfully again, looking once again like a rabbit. She looked down at John. "Can I tell you something, in complete confidence? Like, you never tell this to anyone? Especially Dave?"

John nodded, and Jade turned back to the dish she was drying, and started talking faster then John had ever heard her talk before.

"I used to like Dave. A lot. A lot, a lot. And for a while, I thought he liked me back, and I was happy about it, but, at the same time...I was afraid, for basically all of the same reasons that I listed to you the other day, about what would happen to the four of us if Dave and I ever...you know. So I started to avoid him, and made up all these lame excuses, and then..." Her eyes drifted down as she paused. "He found Terezi. And I'm happy for him, I really am! And I don't regret my decision. But...it just hurts, you know?" She looked down at him with her big, sad, Harley eyes, and John wanted to melt into the floor where he stood. She had full-blown, legitimate, hardcore _feelings_ for Dave, feelings that weren't formed from petty jealousy. Now John felt ashamed to even be in the same room as her.

"Anyway." Jade's focus was back on the plate in her hand. "That's why I blew up at you the other day. It was mostly just the same stuff that I had said to myself over and over." As soon as she had put the dish down, John pulled her down into a fierce hug, mumbling apologies into her ear. She slapped him softly on the back and told him he was forgiven. An idiot, but forgiven, nonetheless. Then she pulled away to resume drying duties.

Now it was his turn to bite his lip anxiously. Jade had confided in him, so maybe...maybe he could confide in her? Maybe she would be able to help him figure out exactly what it was he was thinking.

"Jade, do you think...could I...tell you something?"

Jade nodded, her head bobbing up and down excitedly. She even placed a hand over her heart. "I promise not to smack you this time!"

John thanked her, and then took a moment to figure out how to say whatever it was he wanted to say. He couldn't figure out a good way, so he decided blurting it all out would be appropriate. "I'm not sure if I like Dave anymore and I think that maybe I only ever thought I liked him because I was jealous of him spending all of his time with Terezi and I think I might actually have a thing for his brother."

Jade's eyes grew wide and she moved her gaze so she was staring at the silverware in her hand. "Ok, just so we're clear, all of those things warrent at least a small slap, but I am keeping my promise. Which issue would you like me to address first?"

"Um, the Dave one, I guess. I thought I liked him so much, but then I started hanging out with Terezi, and...I don't know, I just don't see Dave the same way anymore. And," he added quietly, "it was recently pointed out to me that I formed a crush on him around the same time that he started spending time with Terezi."

"Isn't it good, though?" Jade asked. "I mean, if you are over Dave? Wouldn't you rather have solely platonic feelings for him?"

"Maybe. I just...feel guilty, I guess? Like, I feel like it didn't really mean anything if I'm able to get over it so quickly? I feel like...I used Dave, or something. And that just makes me feel gross."

_But mostly I feel like I betrayed you somehow, like I made your legitimate feelings less valid with my gross petty-crush._

Jade shrugged. "John, we're kids! We're supposed to get over stuff quickly. It's ok to be fickle, y'know. It's not like you and Dave were in a relationship and you were actually using him. You just maybe fantasized about him a little; no harm in that."

"Jade!" John shoved her lightly and they both giggled. "Bro said the same thing to me."

Jade scrunched her nose. "What, that you probably fantasized about Dave?"

"Ew, _no!_ " John grimaced. "He said that I was young and fickle."

"Oooh, did he?" Jade looked down at John, raising her eyebrows. "When was this, during your Kevin Spacey marathon?"

"Please, as if I would sit through a Kevin Spacey marathon." John scoffed and then froze as he realized Jade was staring down at him.

_Way to blow your cover story, Egderp._

"If you weren't having a Spacey Marathon, then what were you doing, _Joooohn_?"

John made a noise of discontent before looking back up at Jade. "Promise not to tell anyone?" Jade grabbed onto his arm and nodded her head so violently that he was surprised it didn't fly away. "Um...we may have made out a little bit."

A huge grin spread across Jade's face and she was now slapping his arm repeatedly. " _Joooohn_ oh my God oh my God _oh my God!_ "

"I know, Jade, I know!" He slapped her hands away. "But it sort of...ended on a bad note." He paused and Jade stared down at him expectantly. "I pulled back because I was feeling confused, and...I think I may have hurt his feelings when I told him I wasn't sure how I felt about Dave, because he went on the offense pretty hard. I ended up storming out."

"Well..." Jade nibbled on her lip. "How do you think he feels?"

John threw his hands up to cover his face. "I have no idea, Jade! But he's Dave's Bro and he's so much older than me and he's probably just messing with me because he thinks it's funny. I just...I want to figure out how I feel, and then if that's something I don't want to feel, I can work on repressing it for the rest of my life. So...how do I know how I feel?"

Jade put an encouraging hand on John's shoulder. "I have no idea, John. I can't tell you what you feel. How do _you_ think you feel?"

"I don't know!" John groaned. "But when I see him, my chest gets tight and my stomach does flips and my head gets all woozy and I just wanna bone him so hard I feel like my dick is gonna rip out of my pants."

"Jesus, John." Jade looked taken aback. He didn't blame her. He had a tendency to turn crude when he was rambling. She turned back to the dishes she had been drying after giving John an incredulous look. "You don't sound very conflicted. You sound pretty damn sure of what it is you want."

"You're right," John said, nodding his head slowly. "I do sound pretty damn sure." He turned back towards the dishes and scrubbed. "I am pretty damn sure."

_I am pretty damn sure._

\----------------------------------------------------------------

Today had been a day of reconciliation, and John was feeling pretty good about all of his relationships right about now. Good enough to patch things up with Bro, however they needed to be patched up. So, after finishing up with the dishes, he went in search of Bro.

And then he realized what a stupid idea that was.

Bro was probably in hiding right about now. There's no way he would just be out in the open after what happened between him and John. He was probably stalking Dave and Terezi, waiting for...

He was probably stalking Dave.

An idea struck John, and he went in search for Dave instead. He just hoped this idea wasn't as stupid as he thought it was.

He found Dave, Terezi, and Rose in the observatory. Rose was trying to point out a constellation to them when John interrupted.

"Have any of you guys seen Bro?" Rose smiled at him coyly and he immediately grew suspicious of her.

"I haven't seen him since dinner," Dave answered. "What did you need him for?"

"Well," John said, speaking as loudly as he could without yelling, "I wanted to talk to him about the Kevin Spacey marathon. I think I left my boxset in his room."

"Quiet down, Skipper," Dave said, holding his hands out. "A Kevin Spacey boxset, really? Do you have a boxset dedicated to every shitty actor to grace the screen?"

"Haha, Dave!" John was too busy looking around the room, searching for a glimpse of Bro to listen to what Dave was saying. "So if you see him, please tell him I would like to talk to him!" Slowly, he backed out of the room, smiling and nodding on his way out. When he stepped back into the hallway, he immediately ran into a tall, bulky figure.

"That was real smooth, kid," Bro said.

John rolled his eyes. "I had to get your attention somehow."

Bro leaned back against a wall, stretching his arms and resting his hands atop his head. "You have my full attention now, Madokabert."

John brought his hands together, picking at the skin around his fingernails. "Well, about yesterday...I feel bad about...doing _that_ \-- "

"Marathoning Kevin Spacey?"

"...Right. I feel bad about marathoning Kevin Spacey when I was still so unsure about my feelings towards...Nicolas Cage."

Bro nodded once. "And how do you feel about Nicolas Cage now?"

"I think...that he belongs with Alice Kim, and I am happy that they have each other."

Bro made a face. "Who's Alice Kim?"

John waved his hand. "Forget it. The point is, I am happy for Nicolas Cage and his lovely lady-friend and I am glad that we never met under the mistletoe."

Bro pushed himself away from the wall and took a step toward John. "I'm happy that you can be happy for...Nic Cage, but I still think that the...Kevin Spacey marathon was a mistake."

"...Oh." John looked down, picking furiously at his nail bed. "I mean, I guess I understand that. Kevin Spacey is a lot older than me, after all. He probably doesn't think I can relate to his movies. Or maybe Kevin Spacey was just having fun and I took it too far. It's ok, Kevin Spacey doesn't have to explain himself to me. I understand where Kevin Spacey -- "

" _John._ " Bro grabbed onto John's hands, breaking them apart from each other. "You're going to pick your nails clean off your fingers."

John looked up to meet Bro's gace, but something hanging from the ceiling caught his eye. He gave a short laugh after realizing what it was. "Oh, look. It's mistletoe." Bro glanced up to where John was looking. "I think more than myself or Kevin Spacey, mistletoe is to blame for the awkward situation we're in."

"I am definitely ok with blaming my problems on mistletoe," Bro agreed.

"Hehe," John looked down to where Bro was still holding onto his hands. "It would sure be a stupid thing if we kissed again, wouldn't it?"

Bro gave out a short laugh. "Yes, incredibly stupid."

"Just the stupidest!" They each gave out a short chuckle and then were silent again.

"It would be ironic, though," Bro added, looking down at John.

"Oh, right," John nodded. "Yeah, of course. Um...how, exactly, would it be ironic?"

"Well, it's ovious," Bro said. "Because it's such a bad plan, and we know that it's a horrible plan. So, doing exactly what we shouldn't be doing. That's Irony 101 right there."

John nodded. That didn't exactly sound like irony as he had heard it defined before, but Bro was the irony expert here.

"Then we should definitely kiss!" John said. "For the sake of irony, of course."

"Yeah, of course. Anything for the sake of irony!"

They both looked at each other, then laughed awkwardly, then were silently staring at each other for another moment.

And then their mouths were crashing against each other. John had no idea who had initiated it that time, but he also didn't care because Bro's lips were hot and wet against his. Almost instantly, Bro's tongue was lapping hungrily against John's lips, begging for entrance. John let him in without hesitation. Their movements were sloppier and more rushed than before, but neither of them seemed to care as their bodies pressed closer and closer together. John gripped the back of Bro's shirt tightly, almost positive that he would leave a mark in the material. Bro's hands were at John's side, dragging the fabric up as his nails worked over John's torso. John let out a soft moan, so Bro dragged his nails again but let them bite into his skin deeper. John felt the fabric of his pants twitching and then Bro leaned down into his neck and bit hard and suddenly his hips bucked forward involuntarily as he let out a whimper.

"You really like pain, don't you?"

"Shut up and bite me again."

Bro obeyed, moving his mouth to the other side of John's neck to sink his teeth in. John muffled the next whimper with his fist.

After a third bite, Bro pulled his head back. "Did you hear that?"

"I couldn't hear anything," John breathed out. "I was kind of distracted."

That comment warrented a small grin from Bro, but it didn't last long. "I think I heard someone else."

"Broooo." John tugged on his shirt, leaning back in to him. "I don't hear anything." He nuzzled against Bro's clavicle and bit down.

"Ow, Jesus, yaoi hands, watch out. Not all of us are as into pain as you seem to be."

"Yaoi hands? What does that even -- "

And then they both paused. He heard it that time. Voices, coming from the observatory. Bro pulled away from him as they listened closely, the voices becoming louder.

"Bro, I think we should probably leave now." John waited for a reply. When he didn't get one, he looked back to where Bro had been standing moments before and saw...nothing. Just an empty hallway.

"Bro, you coward!" John hissed. "Did you really just flash-step away!?"

Moments later, Dave, Terezi, and Rose came down the hall, all looking surprised to see him standing there.

"Hey, John," Dave said. "What are you doing out here? Did you ever find Bro?"

John shook his head. "No, but it's fine. I'll talk to him later. What are you guys up to?"

"We're gonna watch videos of kittens online!" Terezi squealed.

John looked over to Rose. "What about you? Or do you have another Skype date?"

Rose sighed. "Kanaya had other plans, so unfortunately, I have no oher choice but to join these two in their quest to find kitten videos."

"So you coming or what, Egbert?"

John nodded, swinging an arm around Dave and Rose each. "Of course I'm down! Let's do this. I am ready to see some kitty videos."

So they watched kitty videos, and John plotted the horrible things that he would to do Bro.

The horrible, horrible things.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> um bro i don't think that's what irony means i think you are maybe grasping at straws because you want to bone a 16yo and you want to bone him _hard_


	9. Merry Fucking Christmas

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> It's Christmas! Yay! Maybe something nice will happen?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> why the fuck would anything nice ever happen?

John's efforts at sleep were fruitless that night. He tossed and turned in bed, trying to think of anything other than the feel of Bro's leather glovers pressed against his hips, or the smooth tongue that would dart deftly across his lips, or the jolt he felt every time Bro's teeth grazed his skin. While he laid awake at night, his hand would rub absentmindedly against the fresh hickey on his neck. He definitely wasn't smiling when his fingers traced over the bruise. The mark absolutely did not make him feel a little giddy inside when he felt it there, under his fingertips. It did, however, make him grateful for oversized sweaters and scarfs.

 _This is so dumb_ , he thought to himself. _You hung out with him for one day and all of a sudden you're some gross, lovesick puppy, who can't keep his hands off of him! This is sick, Egbert! You disgust me!_

At least he wasn't confused about his feelings anymore. Now he knew exactly which Strider it was that occupied his fantasies.

But one thing hadn't changed; he had no idea what Bro was thinking. Based on the three make-out sessions that they had had, John thought it was safe to assume that Bro had...positive feelings about him, at the very least. Although he accepted all of John's advances so far, he hadn't exactly initiated anything since the first kiss. And that one didn't count. That was definitely just him messing with John, no emotional attachment behind it.

Probably.

So he fumbled around the house the day before Christmas Eve, unsure if he wanted to run into Bro or not. Normally, it was easy to avoid him, whether you wanted to or not. The next day, Bro was out in the open, actively participating in group activities. He even actuated a game of Scrabble after dinner, which Rose was overjoyed by. 

Despite Bro's odd behavior, things weren't anymore awkward between them than usual. They were even teasing each other about the other's taste in wardrobe and movies as if everything was totally normal. That might have been because they never had a moment alone together, which John was grateful for at first, but annoyed at by the end of the day. He was enjoying everyone's company, but he wanted to talk to Bro. Alone.

He left to use the bathroom during Scrabble, and when he came back, Bro had gone to bed. Later on, he blamed his disappointment and poor mood on the way Rose viciously wiped the table with them at Scrabble.

Christmas Eve wasn't much different than the day before it. John kept trying to get Bro alone, but Bro really did have a gift. He was alone when he wanted to be alone, and when he needed a crowd of people to hide in, they showed up.

After dinner, the entire family gathered in the living room in their PJs to watch _A Christmas Story_. The Striders groaned about how lame the movie was, but the Egberts firmly believed that it was a classic fit for the ocassion. The Lalonde's were indifferent, but Jade had never seen it before, so she voted yes. Halfway through the movie, John left the room, saying he needed to use the bathroom. Instead, he went to Bro's room and waited outside the door. Sure enough, a minute later, Bro came walking down the hallway. He paused momentarily when he noticed John, grimacing behind his shades.

"I had a feeling you were avoiding me," John said, grinning brightly.

"What ever would have given you that idea?" Bro said, closing in on the doorknob.

"So you're not avoiding me?" John said, lifting his eyebrows.

"Not in the slightest, little shota dude." Bro pushed the door open and moved into the doorway. "Now if you'll excuse me, Cal and I have to practice our act."

"Wait!" John pushed his torso in the doorframe to block the door. "I wanted to talk to you, Bro."

After a moment, Bro pulled the door open a little wider. "I only got a minute, kid. Cal is a very impatient man."

"Ok, ok. Uh..." John chewed on his lip, trying to come up with something to say now that he finally had the opportunity. "Um, do you wanna make out under some mistletoe?"

Bro narrowed his eyes at him, but John noticed the way his lips twitched. "Not tonight, kid. Now, get to bed, or else Santa won't bring you any presents."

"I know Santa isn't -- " He was cut off by the door shutting in his face. "...real."

That night in bed, he was just as restless as the prior two nights.

\----------------------------------------------------------------

On Christmas morning, John woke up to Jade squealing and bouncing up and down on his bed. He joined her in squealing as they ran down the hall, waking the rest of the house up. Once everyone was awake, they ate breakfast together. John, Jade, and Terezi were bouncing up and down in their seats for the entire meal. Dad and Mom looked happy just to be with everyone, Rose was smiling into her cup of coffee, and Bro and Dave looked like they were about to commit a homicide. Shortly after everyone was seated and had started eating, half of the room was chanting "Pre-sents! Pre-sents!"

They ate quickly and were rushed into the living room, where everyone under 18 huddled under the tree and tore into their presents. Mom and Dad were exchanging eskimo kisses on the couch and Bro was sitting in an armchair, rubbing at his temples.

"Oh, God, Bro," Dave said, having just opened his present from his older brother. "Did you get everyone _personalized smuppets_?"

The look of horror on Dave's face as his friends opened their personalized smuppets perked Bro up immensely. Terezi grabbed her smuppet and tackled Dave, shoving it in his face as he screamed. Rose was admiring hers with an almost academic expression, and Jade was giggling.

"Aw!" John held his blue smuppet up to his face. "It looks just like me!"

"What are these?" Dad asked, looking over a brown smuppet with a pipe. "Plush toys?"

Mom nudged Dad in the side. "I'll explain it to you later, sweetie."

John eyed Bro nervously over his shoulder before he walked over to him, his hand thrust out and holding a large, slim parcel. Bro took the package cautiously, shook it, then once he had deemed it safe, tore into it. Once opened, he could only stare at what he held in his hands.

"This is...this is..."

"What is it?" Dave shouted around Terezi.

"It is," John said, placing a hand over his heart, "my _masterpiece._ It is a My Little Pony calendar with Nic Cage's face glued over the face of those dumb ponies."

"And it's the most beautiful thing I've ever seen," Bro added quietly. "It's everything I never knew I wanted." He shot Dave a look over his glasses. "This is going up somewhere special. This is the new centerpiece of our home."

Dave's cries were cut off by Rose, who was standing by the window emitting a high-pitched noise. She turned around, her eyes wide and a smile plastered on her face. "Kanaya's here!" She bolted from the room before anyone could respond. The room started buzzing with excitement and everyone abandoned their presents to follow Rose out into the snow. Soon Bro and John were the only ones left, and that was mostly due to the fact that John was blocking Bro's way.

"You liked my gift?" John asked.

"It is the Mona Lisa of gifts, Madokabert. On second thought, I might not hang it up at home. Maybe I'll sell it to the Louvre."

John smiled, his chest filling with a familiar warmth that came about from most of his conversations with Bro. "I'm glad you like it," he said, leaning forward and sliding into Bro's lap.

Bro lifted an eyebrow at him. "I'm sorry, does my lap have a 'seat yourself' sign on it?"

John shrugged into Bro, nuzzling aginst his neck. "It looked so inviting."

"Listen, John," Bro said, shoving lightly against his chest, "we should really do that...talking thing, that you mentioned last night."

"Mm-mm." John nipped at Bro's throat lightly, then brought a hand up to wrap around the other side of his neck, revelling in the small shiver that went through Bro's body. He pressed a kiss against the spot he had bit and mumbled, "I'm busy fondling sempai's goods."

"John, _stop._ " Bro bolted up, forcing John off of his lap.

John rolled onto the floor and stared at him, rubbing his elbow. "Jeez, what? What is it?"

Bro took a deep breath and rubbed his eyes. "I think I may have...led you on."

John's head slowly tilted down as his eyes narrowed. "You...led me on."

"I shouldn't have kissed you the first time, and I shouldn't have reciprocated anything after that. I shoulda just...left you alone."

John's hands fumbled together, picking at what remained of his nailbeds. "But I don't want you to leave me alone. I like being with you. I like hanging out wiith you and doing...other stuff. With you. Other, y'know, kissing...stuff." He looked up at Bro, trying to read his expression past those shades. He couldn't. "And I thought you liked doing that stuff with me, too."

Bro lifted his cap to run a hand through his hair. "I like you. You're goofy and over-sincere, but your company is...enjoyable. And the other stuff..." Bro shrugged, placing his cap back on his head. "I enjoyed it, sure. Just as much as I would with anyone else."

"With..." The words caught in John's throat, making him feel like he wanted to gag. He felt the blood pounding beneath his skin, ringing in his ears, and could feel the heat build through his body. But it wasn't because he was embarrassed, or anxious, or even horny; he was _mad._ "So, what you're saying, is that you only ever kissed me because I was the only person available at the time."

"What exactly were you expecting, John? You're _16_. I'm 37. Did you think this was going to end well?"

Bro's words bit at John, stinging him in all the right places. "I wasn't _expecting_ anything, I just -- " He thrust his face into his palms, fogging his glasses up. "Fine, fine," he said, pulling his glasses down and wiping them on his shirt. "It's fine. We're fine. Everything's fine. We're not doing whatever we were doing anymore, it's fine."

Bro stared down at John, then opened his mouth, as if he wanted to say something.

" _What?_ " John snapped.

Before Bro could respond, the family bounded back through the front door, stringing along two new recruits. One was tall, slim, and dressed in a simple peacoat; the other was short, pudgy, and mostly hidden beneath a giant sweater.

"John, Bro," Rose said, smiling, "this is Kanaya and her younger brother, Karkat."

Kanaya smiled and waved; Karkat barred his teeth at them.

For the rest of the afternoon, the family stayed in the living room and interrogated Kanaya on everything they could think of. John stayed on the floor, fuming, and shooting glares at Bro until he finally left, mumbling something about sharpening his katanas. He didn't see Bro again for the rest of the day.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> arguments and smut are the funnest scenes to write. is it sadistic of me if i enjoy causing the characters pain? all of you people who read and comment are so lovely i am so sorry to do this to you.


	10. Bro's New Year's Resolution

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> A short chapter from Bro's POV between the day after Christmas and New Year's.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> because i don't want you to think that he's a _total_ asshole.

He's just a kid.

_He's just a kid. He's half your age. He's Dave's best friend._

That was Bro's mantra for the next five days. He thought it to himself as he tossed the MLP/Nic Cage calendar under his bed, he thought it to himself during obligatory meals with the "family" as he tucked himself between Egbert Senior and Mini Lalonde, and he whispered it to himself whenever he had the misfortune of running into John in the hall as he flash-stepped away.

The looks the kid gave him when he accidentally caught John's eye were enough to make him feel sick with guilt. This was his fault. He led John on. He kissed him first, and he reciprocated every kiss after that. He never intended for the little shit to make a move on him, though. Yes, John did have a _sugoi_ booty, but the fact remained that John was half his age and best friends with his younger brother.

The first time he kissed him, he thought he was just teasing a cute little kid. Sure, the kiss was inappropriate as hell, but Bro produced and occassionally starred in smuppet porn. The majority of his actions toed the line, to say the least.

He knew he had done the right thing by shooting John down. He felt like the biggest asshole in the world for so blatantly lying to him like that, but he wanted to make the kid mad; it was better if John hated him rather than try to stick his tongue down his throat every time they were alone. But the _looks_ , god, the expressions that kid could pull. He thought he had seen puppy dog eyes, but he hadn't seen shit before John. When no one was looking, the kid's natural expression nowadays was a snarl and something between a glare and fish eyes. The expression could only be described as "smad", a portmanteau Bro had picked up from the little shit himself. Not malcontent, not disgruntled; smad, smad was the first thing that came to mind when he peeked at John through the shadows.

That was something he found himself doing more and more often over the next few days -- watching John. He was an expert in being covert, thanks to 17 years of stalking Dave. It was a good thing he was so god damn stealthy; if anyone knew how much time he was spending, lurking around, hiding just out of view from John, they would think that he was as creepy as...well, as creepy as he legitimately was. He was a creeper. He was creeping on a 16-year-old kid who gave him a hard-on.

_This is your life now, Bro. Stalking a child. Congratulations, you're practically a pedophile._

_...Practically, right. Just keep telling yourself that. When his dad catches you creeping and calls the cops, you can tell them that you're only_ practically _a pedophile._

Conversations with himself were becoming a regular thing now that he and Cal weren't on speaking terms. The little fucker was so _smug_ about the whole thing. To be fair, conversations with oneself were probably a hell of a lot more normal than conversations with a puppet.

But who the hell wanted to be normal?

He wasn't normal, he had never been normal. Whatever was going on between him and John certainly wasn't normal, or even appropriate. And stalking Madokabert at every opportunity certainly wasn't appropriate, normal, or legal, probably.

On New Year's Eve, he decided on a resolution. Normally, he was against them; why lie to yourself when more than likely you would just fall back into old habits by March? But New Years was just _there_ , and his bad habit was surrounding him, jutting out his lower lip in a buck-toothed grimace. So he decided his resolution would be no more Madokabert; no more little shota dude, no more yaoi hands, and absolutely no more sugoi booty.

On New Year's Eve, at the strike of midnight, he repeated his mantra to himself one last time as he set off the first of their fireworks.

His resolution lasted all of 30 seconds.


	11. Two Unsuccessful Resolutions

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> It's New Year's Eve and no one's resolutions last very long.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i knew you wouldn't last long, bro.
> 
> apologies for any gross errors in the previous or future chapters! i don't have a beta and i am horrible at proofreading before i hit "publish" so feel free to call me out on any errors you see.

John spent every night after Christmas lying in bed, halfway between fuming and so heartbroken he couldn't breathe. He liked Bro. He really, _really_ liked Bro. He really, really, really felt like an idiot.

_Man up, Egbert. Get over it! He's just some moron with pointy sunglasses! Nothin' special there. You're young, remember? You're fickle, so just bounce right back! Who needs those Striders, amiright?_

He curled in tighter on himself, trying to think only angry thoughts.

During the day, the house would be buzzing with excitement. Everyone was preparing for New Year's and the wedding, which was scheduled to happen a week after that. Rose hadn't exaggerated when she said that Kanaya wanted to help out; she practically ran the entire show. She was organizing meals, setting up decorations, and researching safety procedures to keep on hand during the New Years fireworks the Striders were planning. They scoffed at the list of rules Kanaya handed out. _Rules?_ they said. _We are Strider men. We don't follow rules._

Normally, John might have laughed at that, but lately every Strider action filled him with rage. But he pushed that aside, saving it for the time he spent lying awake in bed, pretending he was more mad then anything else.

Now that Kanaya was here, Rose was finally inclined to actually spend time with her friends instead of Skype. Every time someone would ask Kanaya a question, Rose would answer for her, a level of pride to contest Dad's gleaming in her eyes. Kanaya didn't seem to mind it; on the contrary, if the small smile that played on her lips whenever Rose spoke was any indication, it seemed she enjoyed the way Rose would gloat about her.

And it made John sick. He was surrounded by happy couples and they all made him sick, even Dave and Terezi. He wasn't jealous of Terezi anymore, but he found himself avoiding them nonetheless. Most of his time was spent with Jade and Karkat, who he was getting to know fairly well, whether he wanted to or not. Karkat, John was learning, was almost a complete opposite to his sister. A year older then the rest of the kids, Kanaya towered over even Mom and Dad, yet was still somehow...dainty. Her presence wasn't necessarily commanding, but it certainly warranted attention. Karkat, on the other hand, was the shortest one in the house and yet he seemed to take up the most amount of room. It wasn't that he was fat or even a little pudgy, not that you could really tell what lied underneath that oversized sweater; but the look he gave you over the neck of his sweater as he entered a room demanded that you acknowledge his presence, and you better do it before he starts spewing profanities at you.

John liked Kanaya well enough, she was smart and nice and got along really well with Rose, and he didn't _hate_ Karkat, but he didn't like him very much, either. Judging by the way Karkat barked out insults and strung together curse words, he didn't think that Karkat really liked him very much either. Especially when he asked Karkat why he was even there in the first place.

"Listen up, fuckass. It's not my fault the damn parental units wanted to have a fucking romantic rendezvous over this god forsaken joke of a holiday. When my dear sister presented the idea of her visiting her _girlfriend_ on Christmas, stabdad and the virgin mother were only ecstatic for the opportunity to get the both of us out of their hair."

When John asked why he called his parents "stabdad" and "the virgin mother", Karkat looked at him like he was going to bite his head off.

Karkat didn't get along much better with Jade. John grew tired of listening to their bickering after a few days, but it's not like there was anyone else he wanted to hang out with. The only other person in the house who wasn't attached to someone else by the lips was...

_Well, you're just going to pretend you don't remember his name._

Pretending didn't help as much as he pretended it did.

He dreaded New Year's. He didn't want to see all of these gross people counting down to another gross year, and then embracing grossly and giving each other gross kisses. But New Year's grew closer every day. He cursed time for travelling in a linear direction.

He gave Jade a brief summary of what had happened between himself and Bro during the brief moments they had alone. She sympathized with him and admitted that she also dreaded having to sit through New Year's. It wasn't that either of them needed someone else to make them happy, but neither of them really wanted to watch the person they may or may not be crushing on share a romantic night with their significant other. Once he talked things over with Jade, he tried to keep a tough upper lip. It wasn't fair to her if he was the mopiest one in the house. At least the Strider he was crushing on wasn't dating someone else.

When New Year's Eve finally came, the family was gathered in the yard (the correct distance, which Kanaya had measured, from the house and foilage so as to prevent any fires) waiting to start the fireworks. John and Jade were at the back of the group, sitting in snow thrones they had made. Karkat turned his nose up when they offered to make one for him, but soon after he formed a seat beside Jade and sat down, grumbling.

"It's fucking freezing."

Jade rolled her eyes and John snorted.

"Do you have a resolution?" Jade asked, turning to John.

John thought for a minute, chewing on his lip. He wasn't very good at sticking to his resolutions, and nothing had really occured to him recently that he wanted to resolve. But maybe...maybe he had one idea. "Get over you-know-who, I guess."

Jade nodded. "I think that should be our joint resolution, to get over those dumb, ironic boys."

"That's a great idea, Jade!" John smiled up at her. He felt her hand close around his and was grateful for the warmth.

Mom held her phone out and screamed for everybody to prepare their bodies 'cause this countdown is startin' bitches. John watched as the Striders moved around the designated firework station that Kanaya had set up, before Dave left near the end of the countdown to stand by Terezi. Bro stayed, posing the first firework and holding a lighter out to the cord.

_Hello, 2013! Good-bye, douchey older Strider._

The countdown ended, and Jade leaned forward to kiss him on the cheek. She turned to her other side to do the same to Karkat, and John had to choke down a laugh when Karkat turned bright red. "Happy new year, boys!" She said, throwing an arm around each of them.

He leaned against her shoulder and watched the first set of fireworks go off.

"Ya know," John said, fidgeting in his seat. "Maybe snow thrones wasn't the greatest idea."

"My ass is freezing." Karkat snapped.

"Yeah, my butt is really cold," John added. He stood up, dusting the snow off the back of him. "I'm gonna get some hot chocolate. Do you guys want any?"

Jade nodded her head and Karkat rolled his eyes and made a snarky comment. John smiled at the two of them, then headed back into the house.

He entered through the back door and stepped into the kitchen. He fumbled around, looking for mugs and hot cocoa mix. After grabbing the milk from the fridge, he turned around and saw Bro standing two feet away from him. He jumped back, the milk slipping from his hands. He tried to grab at it, but his fingers slipped. The milk landed in Bro's hands. John stared down at it, and after a moment, Bro held the milk out to him. John mumbled a "thanks" as he turned around, setting the milk on the counter.

"Did you enjoy the fireworks so far?" Bro asked.

"Yeah, they're alright."

This was weird. This was really weird. Bro had been avoiding him so successfully so far, why had he chosen this moment to come out of hiding? Maybe...maybe he was trying to patch things up? It was a new year after all.

John turned around, gripping the counter with his fingertips. He pressed hard, then jutted a hand out as he released a breath. "Bro, it's a new year, so how about we let bygones be bygones?"

Bro only stared down at his hand. "So...you're ok, with everything? With what I said to you?"

John bit down on his lip and nodded his head once.

"Huh." Bro still hadn't taken the hand John offered out, so he let it fall back down to his side. "I guess being young really does mean being fickle."

John narrowed his eyes. So, this year really wouldn't be any different than the last. "Um, excuse me? What is that supposed to mean?"

Bro shook his head and shrugged. "You're over me, that's fine. I saw the little scene you shared with Harley out there, real cute.

John's face contorted, his whole body tightened. " _What?_ "

"Isn't she like your cousin or something, though? You might not wanna be so open about your relationship, if that's the case. Or were you just practicing for your Folgers commercial?"

John threw his hands in the air. " _Folgers?_ What the hell does that even mean!? I don't even know what you're talking about half the time!"

"I'm saying it's fine. I should have realized that you would get over me so quickly."

"Get over you?" John slammed a hand against the countertop. "I have spent the past five days trying to get over you! It hasn't worked, Bro. I still like you. More than I can admit to myself. I like you. I want to hug you and kiss you and snuggle with you and do other stupid gross things with you, ok? I don't know what the hell you think is going on with me and Jade, but you're wrong. You're stupid, and you're wrong, so...there."

"Then what was that," Bro demanded, waving his arm manically, "what was that outside? You sure cozied up to her after that smooch."

"It was on the _cheek_ , you asshat! And she gave one to Karkat, too! And it was cold! And so what if I cozied up to her? She's family and she's my friend; I'll snuggle with her if I damn well please!" John's breathing was heavy now as he watched Bro, waiting for a response. Some tension seemed to leave Bro's body as his shoulders dropped. A hand dragged down Bro's face as a deep breath escaped his lungs.

"I may have...overreacted," Bro muttered.

"Damn straight you overreacted." John's breath was slowing down, and he loosened the grip he had on the countertop. "Why do you even care what I do? You rejected me, remember?" John took another deep breath and waited.

Ah, that was a nice reaction. Bro was scratching at the back of his head now, his face contorting in thought. He was fidgeting as if he was uncomfortable. "It was just an overreaction, ok, Madokabert? let's just leave it at that." He took a step back, but John reached out, grabbing onto the stomach of his shirt.

"Were you...were you jealous?"

"Hey, now who's overreacting?"

John glared at him, and then Bro gave him a look that John recognized. He had seen it a million times on Dave.

It was the look of defeat.

"I was...maybe, a little jealous."

John's heart started racing, his face flushed; for a moment, his vision blurred in and out of focus.

"I thought you didn't like me."

"I told you I liked you."

"But you said I was just convenient."

"I lied, John."

John leaned forward, looking up at Bro. He wished so badly that he wasn't wearing those stupid glasses because he wanted to see his eyes, he wanted to see his face, read his expressions. He wanted to know the _truth_. A hand crept around his waist, and it felt so natural there, he barely even noticed it.

He felt his instincts tugging at him, begging to take over, but he pulled his head back and breathed. "Bro...you're still an asshole."

"You're still a dorky kid."

John glowered at him and punched him in the arm. "Why did you say all of that stuff to me? You really...hurt my feelings, ok? It sucked. I thought you hated me."

Bro groaned and rubbed his face, but John glared at him until he answered. "I _wanted_ you to hate me. This is...weird, ok, Madokabert? You're a kid; I don't know what you want from me."

John made a face. "What I want from you?"

Bro rubbed his face again, harder. This conversation was obviously making him nervous, and John couldn't help but find it adorable. Well, he would have found it adorable if he wasn't feeling equally nervous.

"What you want, like...relationship-wise," Bro answered. "I mean, we hardly know each other, we're generations apart, and I just...don't want to screw some poor kid up for the rest of his life."

John nibbled on his lip as he mulled over what Bro had said. Relationship? He hadn't really thought about a label or whatever. All he knew was that he liked Bro. But...maybe he had a point?

"So...What do you want?" Bro asked.

John looked up at him for a moment before deciding on an answer. "Two things," he said. He lifted a hand to Bro's face, and when Bro tried to stop him, he slapped his efforts away with his other hand. Gently, he pulled the dorky sunglasses off of him. He stared into Bro's eyes, and they fucking _sparkled_ down at him. John grinned. "And number two is your name."

Bro lifted an eyebrow. "My name?"

"Your first name," John added. "I don't really want to moan 'Bro' when we're making out."

"...Ok, but you have to promise only to use it when we're alone. Deal?" John nodded his head, trying to bite back the huge grin threatening to spread across his face. Bro turned his head from side to side, and after making sure no one was around, he answered. "Dirk."

"Dirk." The name rolled off John's tongue. He smiled and said it again. " _Dirk._ "

"Don't overdo it, kid. There's a finite amount of that I'll put up."

John wrapped his arms around Bro's neck, pulling him down. "Shut up and bite me, Dirk."

Bro wrapped his other arm around John, pulling them closer together. "You know that's not really what I meant when I asked you what you wanted," he said, his breath hot against John's neck.

"Less talking, more biting."

Bro pressed his teeth lightly against John's throat and a shiver went through his body. _Dirk_ left a trail of teethmarks from the pulse in John's throat all the way to his mouth, and when their mouths met, John moaned into the familiar contact. He smiled when Bro pressed their foreheads together as they attempted to catch their breath.

Maybe it wouldn't be such a bad year after all.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> expect some smut in the next chapter.
> 
> and i thought i should mention the length i intend this piece to be at some point. i don't know about the number of chapters, but i'm planning on it going over the span of 1-1/4 years, ending around john's 18th birthday. so expect a long fic!


	12. John ==> Be The Horny Teenager

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> In which John is a horny teenager.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> sexy times

"Bro -- fuck -- _Dirk._ "

"What?" Bro pulled away from the spot he had been sucking under John's ear. His face was flushed, eyes dark and glossy, and his tongue darted out to wet his lips. Immediately, John felt himself leaning forwarding, almost forgetting what it was he had wanted to say. He caught himself at the last second and pulled back.

"The, um, the counter...it's digging into my back."

An eyebrow lifted. "I thought you were into pain?"

"Shut up." John fidgeted. "It's just...uncomfortable."

After a moment, Bro's hands moved up to grab onto John's waist, hoisting him onto the counter. His legs automatically wrapped around Bro's waist, pulling him closer as Bro's head tilted forward to meet John's lips, sucking and nipping and panting against each other, so close that the only air they had to breath in was what the other had just breathed out. Yet still they tugged and grasped and pulled and groped to be closer and closer. His heels were digging into Bro's thighs so tightly now, he was sure there would be marks on Bro's legs in the morning. The older man's cold, gloved hands slipped beneath the layers of sweater covering John's torso, desperate to free him of the unnecessary clothing. John couldn't help but awkwardly grind against Bro's stomach, desperate for friction. His nails bit into Bro's back, catching at the thick fabric of his shirt.

He pulled away, panting as he looked down at Bro.

"I could hit my head on the cabinet."

Another twitch of the eyebrow, plus a frown. "Do you want to stop?"

"No." He tugged on the hem of Bro's shirt for emphasis. "But maybe we could...move."

"Where to? The wall?"

" _No._ " The way Bro's eyebrows kept hopping around made John want to bite them off. He tugged harder on Bro's shirt. "Bro, seriously?"

Again, with the _eyebrows_. Ugh, was he really this oblivious?

"I want -- "

There was a bang as the kitchen door slammed open and suddenly Bro was on the other side of the room, leaning casually against the wall. Karkat bounded through the door.

"Watch out, fucktards, I'm coming through. What exactly is the hold up here? Does it really take this long to make three warm, frothy beverages?"

"Ugh, Karkat!" John leapt down from the counter. "Cool your jets, it hasn't even been that long."

"Excuse you, Dickbert, but it _has_ been that long. The fireworks show is over. And because Mr. Pointy-Eyewear over here went MIA, I was volunteered _involuntarily_ to help Non-Pointy-Eyewear deal with the fireworks. The smug shitstain nearly set me on fire."

"I taught him everything he knows," Bro said, holding a hand proudly over his heart. He moved from the wall towards John and plucked his shades from where they hung on the neck of John's sweater. "If you'll excuse me, children, I shall retire for the evening."

"But..." John frowned. He could feel his lower lip jutting out farther and farther, could feel the puppy-dog eyes forming, and tried to pull it back but just couldn't resist. " _Bro,_ " he whined.

"Relax, Madokabert," Bro said with a wink. "We can pick up where we left off later."

"We better." John tried to look threatening. By the look Bro wore, John guessed he had failed.

"What the wet bag of horse shit was that about?" Karkat asked after Bro left. "Did I interrupt something no doubt completely meaningless in the grand scheme of the universe?"

John glared at him.

"I'm going to take that as a yes."

John continued to glare, but Karkat ignored him and turned his attention to the abandoned ingredients left on the counter. "So is hot chocolate still happening or what?"

"Cockblock," John muttered as he walked out of the kitchen.

\----------------------------------------------------------------

That night, John didn't get much more sleep than he had in the previous nights. This time, it was due to nervous excitement rather than anger and anxiety.

At 5am, he gave up attempts at sleep and snuck into Bro's room. He crawled across the bed and stopped in front of Bro, watching him. He was still wearing his signature gloves. _I can't believe he sleeps in those dorky things_ , John thought. Although it seemed as if the gloves were the only thing Bro wore, seeing as his chest was bare. John ran a hand through the thin patch of blonde on Bro's chest, rubbing his thumb through the dip that ran between this ridiculously buff man's pecs. It didn't seem to disturb Bro, so John brough his other hand up to Bro's hair, twisting his fingers through the locks that were way too soft for the amount of product needed to make one's hair stick up like that. Memories from the night before flooded back to him, and he recalled the sensitive area below his ear Bro had enjoyed taking advantage of. He pressed his mouth to the skin below Bro's ear and tried to imitate the way Bro had sucked and nipped at his skin. He was rewarded by Bro grunting and moving beneath him. John pulled back to look down at Bro, who was squinting up at him.

"Hasn't anyone ever told you not to grope people in their sleep, Egbert?"

"I couldn't sleep," he said, lying down and resting his chin agains Bro's chest, "and earlier, you said 'chillax, shotabert, we can continue this later,' or whatever. It's later _now_."

"I meant after I'd had eight to ten hours of sleep," Bro said, shoving John off of him. He rolled onto his side, giving John an eyeful of perfectly sculpted back. "How did you even get in here? I locked the door."

"Pfft." John snuggled forward, wiggling his arm between Bro's arm and chest. "I am a professional pranking master, Strider. You really think a locked door would keep a professional out?"

"I had hoped." He pushed John's arm away. "I see now that I was a fool."

John attempted to squeeze his hand towards Bro's chest again. It was slapped away. " _Bro_ ," and the way he said it made it sound like a three-syllable word, "are you really just gonna sleep? After I came all this way?"

"Yes, John, I am going to sleep. You are welcome to stay if you want to sleep, but if you're going to act like a horny teenager, I can't help you. You can take care of that somewhere else."

John huffed, glaring down at Bro. "Fine." He wriggled beneath the covers, rolling away from Bro. "I'll sleep." He crossed his arms and shut his eyes, feeling annoyed at Bro but mostly annoyed at himself for being annoyed. Wanting sleep was a reasonable thing. Bro was right, he was just a horny teenager. Maybe he should just go back to his own bed and let Bro rest.

After a minute of reflection, John felt the bed shift as Bro rolled towards him. Wordlessly, an arm slipped around his waist, pulling him closer to Bro, making his heart flutter. He smiled to himself as Bro's breathing slowed down.

Or maybe he should just stay here.

\----------------------------------------------------------------

When John woke up, he was, to his lack of surprise, alone. He rolled out of bed and down the hall to his room, where he got dressed.

When he arrived in the kitchen to find something to eat, Jade, Karkat, and Kanaya were having a heated debate. Well, Jade and Karkat were having a heated debate. Or a hissy fit, John couldn't tell which. Kanaya was attempting to mediate. John grabbed a sleeve of pop-tarts and left. He heard someone snarl something about hot cocoa, but beyond that, he did not want to be involved in whatever argument the two were having now. He went in search of friendlier company.

In the living room, he found Rose, Bro, Terezi, and Dave. Terezi crowed at him when he stepped into the room and waved him over. She and Dave sat together on the couch opposite from the two armchairs Rose and Bro occupied. He shot a look at Bro, whose mouth twitched at the sight of him. John smiled in return.

"You arrived just in time, John!" Terezi patted the seat next to her, gesturing for John to sit down. "Rose has coerced Bro into letting her work her voodoo magic on him."

"It's not voodoo," Rose interjected. "It's simply an analysis of his emotional and psychological well-being. I need to practice as much as I can now if I plan to go far in the field of psychoanalysis."

"She's pure evil, Bro," Dave said. "It isn't too late to back out. No one will think any less of you for doing so."

Rose pointed a finger at Bro, glaring at him. "It is too late and you are a coward if you back out now. You promised I could use you as a test subject, and only a coward breaks his promise."

Bro held his hands up in self-defense and Rose smiled, turning down to the notebook and pen in her hand. "Let's begin with your sunglassses. I notice that you wear them no matter the light condition."

Bro shot John a desperate look and John grinned. A little torture would be good for him. God knows everyone else had had their fair share of Rose's voodoo magic. Still, he felt this trainwreck might deserve some privacy, so he turned to Terezi.

"Terezi, when's our next prank going down?" John asked.

She squirmed in her seat. "You're the pranking master! I am but the humble prankmaster's apprentice."

John tapped a finger against his lip thoughtfully. "Maybe...maybe Kanaya? Or Karkat?"

"No." Dave stood up and positioned himself between John and Terezi. "I'm putting my foot down. I'm not letting this continue."

"Aw," Terezi said, leaning forward to peck Dave on the cheek. "Still bitter about the AJ?"

"C'mon, Dave!" John hit him lightly on the arm. "You should know better than anyone that I save the best pranks for the best people. It's because I love you that I hurt you, duh."

John and Terezi continued to tease Dave until Mom and Dad popped into the room briefly to wish everyone a happy new year. Bro tried to use their entrance as a chance to abscond, but Rose was too quick for him. He was saved when Kanaya came into the room to collect Rose. Apparently, the situation with Karkat and Jade hadn't cooled down any, and Kanaya wondered if Rose might have some words of advice for the pair. She jumped up, mentioning something about grabbing a separate notebook, and the two of them were gone. Having enjoyed watching Rose and Bro's session so much, Terezi chased after the couple.

"Finally," Bro moaned, leaning his head back against the couch. "Dave. Strife. Roof. Five minutes."

Dave sighed, then stood up. "We almost made it a week without strifing," he mumbled as he left the room.

As soon as Dave was clear of the doorway, Bro was across the room, sitting next to John. He leaned down as John's head tilted forward to meet in a quick, messy kiss. Bro smiled, then murmured "I promise I won't be too sleepy if you visit me tonight" before flash-stepping out of the room. John leaned back and sighed, suppressing a high-pitched giggle.

He kept himself busy until dinner, mostly by gossiping with Terezi. When mealtime came, John was delighted when Bro took up his abandoned residence by John's side. Rose must have noticed his especially good mood, because she gave him several small looks throughout the meal. Thankfully, most of her attention was directed towards a conversation with Kanaya.

After dinner, John and Terezi discussed pranks as Terezi played Doctor on Dave. She wasn't an especially good doctor, but she seemed to be having fun, and Dave remained stoic as she poked and prodded at his fresh wounds. Dave made an attempt to dissuade them from their plotting, but they stayed strong. Until he turned his efforts to solely distracting Terezi, which worked fairly well. Once Terezi decided to start licking Dave's wounds, John decided to give them some alone time.

He headed to Bro's room and was disappointed to find it empty, except for Cal, who sat on the center of the bed looking awfully smug. As he left the room, a knot formed in his stomach. Was it possible that Bro was hiding from him? Again? Maybe he had changed his mind. He tried to shake the negative thoughts away as he walked to his room, but the sinking feeling in his gut wouldn't disappear. However, he found a surprise waiting for him in his bedroom.

Stretched out on his bed and grinning was Dirk Strider. He had even taken his dorky shades and hat off.

"I got impatient," Bro explained. "Thought I'd surprise you."

John locked the door behind him and crawled onto the bed to sit beside Bro. "That's ok," he said, biting back a grin. "I like surprises."

"I like the decorations." Bro gestured towards the posters, mostly of Nic Cage, covering the walls.

"Thanks," John mumbled. He was suddenly very nervous. There was a boy. A boy he liked. In his bedroom.

"John," Bro pulled John's chin toward him, "are you ok? Your entire face is an adorable shade of pink right now. Very Madoka."

"Well, to be honest...I'm kinda nervous, I guess?"

Bro pulled his hand away. "We don't have to do anything you don't want to do. If you're uncomfortable, I can just leave -- "

"No!" John gripped onto Bro's arms. "No, that's not what I meant. It's just..." He loosened his grip. "You're in my room, I don't know. It's like, my sacred space or whatever, y'know? And I just...want you to like me. So I'm nervous, so sue me."

Bro smirked. Yes, that is exactly what John expected, a smug expression from Mr. Smug-Pants. "That's god damn precious, Egbert."

John rolled his eyes. His head tilted down and he bit at his lips, deep in thought. After a moment, he leaned forward slightly. "Um, Bro? Could...could I kiss you?"

Bro bit back a laugh. "You never asked before, why start now?"

"Because, nerves, remember?" Bro's whole face was contorting as if John was the most amusing thing on the whole planet and John wanted to smack every stupid feature right off of his face. "Is that a yes?"

"That's a yes, _please_."

John leaned forward, pressing his lips softly against Bro's. Soon their mouths were opening and closing together in harmony. He leaned forward, pressing a hand into Bro's hair and deepening their kiss. His other hand slid down Bro's torso to dip under the hem of his shirt. His tongue darted forward to lap at the crease their lips made when pressed together. Bro's lips found his tongue and sucked gently, sending a shiver through John. He hitched a leg over Bro's torso and propelled himself forward, landing in Bro's lap. He needed more friction, more contact, so he pulled Bro's hands forward to rest on his hips. Bro slid them up, dragging his nails enough so John could feel it through his t-shirt, and let them stop on John's upper back. He expected more contact than that, but they stayed there, motionless, as John's lips sought the sensitive areas on Bro's neck.

"Bro," he said, pulling away, "is something wrong? You're not really...doing anything."

"You said you were nervous," Bro said. "I was just trying to let you set the pace."

"Ugh, Bro!" How could someone this hot be so dumb all the time? It was like John had to spell everything out for him! "I didn't mean about this, I just meant, like...you think Nic Cage is dorky or whatever and I have his face plastered all over my room. I thought you might...think I was a dork, or something."

"Of course I think you're a huge dork, Madokabert." And there's that smug grin again. "But I don't want to push you into anything." The look he gave John was so sincere, he knew that Bro meant it, that Bro honestly cared. It still annoyed him. So he grinded down against Bro and was rewarded with a small gasp. He grinded again, and the muffled noise Bro made sounded like John's name. He tried to grind a third time, but Bro grabbed onto his hips, holding him in place. "John, are you sure...?" he asked, nearly breathless.

"Dirk," John cooed, leaning down to press his nose into Bro's hair. "I promise I'll tell you if I'm uncomfortable, but right now, I just really, really want you."

Bro's fingers bit into John's hips. "How is it you can say something like that in my ear but you have to ask before you can kiss me?" He didn't let John respond. Instead, he leaned down, gnawing at a soft spot on John's throat as he lifted his hips up to grind against John's crotch. A tremor went through his body and he moaned into Bro's ear, and then he was on his back, the pressure of Bro's body against his familiar and comforting.

Their mouths were together again, crushing so hard against each other he thought they would bruise, but the pain felt fantastic and he _wanted_ a bruise, wanted to be marked, wanted a reminder of what he felt right now. He wanted them to tear each other apart. And then his hands were under Bro's shirt, dragging his nails across skin and Bro hissed and he wanted to tear that shirt off. He settled for tugging at it, but Bro seemed to understand what he wanted and pulled it off, then pulled off John's for good measure. And John was glad, he wanted more contact, needed more skin touching skin, and now their torsos were flushed together, creating friction, but it still wasn't enough and then Bro's mouth was there, leaving a wet trail along the countours of John's much smaller and less-defined chest. It was something he made a note of to be embarrassed of later on, but right now he was too enraptured in the way Bro's tongue flicked across his nipple to be self-conscious.

His back arched into it and he tugged at Bro's hair, pulling hard enough to warrant another hiss and then the tongue lapping at his chest was replaced with teeth biting down and John was grinding up again, his actions jerky and desperate, as he starved for more friction. His hands wandered down, finding and working the buttons of Bro's jeans. His fingers slipped and Bro pulled them away, working on the jeans himself. John worked on removing his own clothing and was soon kicking off his pants and boxers. And Bro was towering over him, his face different somehow, asking him if he was still ok, and John wanted to smack him but instead just nodded and pulled him down for a kiss. Bro rocked down and John's eyes sprung open at the friction because, oh god, Bro's dick was rubbing against his and how had he ever lived before without this feeling?

Bro rocked again and John made a noise that he never realized he was capable of making before, his hands gripping at Bro's back, and then another rock and Bro was making noises that were equally mystifying, if not moreso. When Bro's rough, calloused hand reached down to wrap around their cocks, John wasn't sure he could take much more of it. He was grinding frantically against Bro, too lost in the moment to find a steady rhythm. He could feel the precum dripping from his slit as Bro rubbed his thumb across his head and he thrusted upwards, so close and so desperate that he brought his hand down to close the half-circle Bro's hand made, jerking frantically until finally he felt it, felt the bliss crash and spasm through him, wiping his mind completely blank. The orgasm was still rocking through him when he felt Bro, still rutting against him so fiercely, go still and throb against him, Bro's cum spilling out to join the pool already formed on John's stomach.

John pulled Bro down to kiss him languidly, not caring that he was spreading the sticky mess between them. The older man pulled away and grabbed the sheet, wiping the mess off of both of them. John watched, half-smiling, still in a daze. When their stomachs were clean, he pulled Bro down to lay beside him.

"Bro," John murmured against his neck, "that was...really cool." Bro groaned in response as if he was in pain. "What is it?"

"I can't believe I just frotted with a sixteen-year-old."

"Ugh, just...shut up." John leaned down to pull a blanket over the both of them. "'Cause that was awesome, so just shut up and snuggle with me, you douchebag."

Bro rolled over, wrapping an arm around John. "Damn, and you were so nice before we slept together. I thought you would be different, but I shoulda known better. You're just like the rest of them."

John pinched him. "God, Bro, shut _up._ "

Bro obeyed and pulled John closer to him. John smiled against Bro's chest as he let sleep overtake him.


	13. Insomnia

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Bro can't sleep.

It was two in the morning, maybe three. Bro couldn't sleep. His arm was numb where John's head rested, but that wasn't keeping him awake. Not even the way John's limbs wrapped around him, preventing him from moving without the danger of waking his younger partner, was a factor in his lack of sleep.

He couldn't sleep because he was a bad man.

 _At least I didn't_ literally _fuck him._

For a moment, he took refuge in that thought. It quickly faded. He mentally facepalmed.

He had tried. Not very hard, but it was the thought that counted, wasn't it? He had tried to reject the kid, and when that didn't work, he decided he would at least put limits to their physical relationship. Nothing below the belt line. Not only was that safe, it was classy. Classy as hell. And yet it failed. It failed _hard._ John had broken his resolve as easily as a boa constrictor could strangle a person, and the worst part was he probably didn't even realize what he was doing. The kid was just acting on impulse, not that Bro's reactions were any less instinct-based. He kept accusing John of being a horny teenager, but he wasn't any better. He took every chance he had to lay his hands on the kid. He was the one who was too impatient to wait in his own room.

He needed to move and distract himself. He had been still for too long and these Nic Cage posters were all glaring at him so accusingly. He had to move. He pried John off of him, slowly and gently so as not to wake him. He dressed quickly and soundlessly. John breathed out a soft "Dirk," and for a moment, Bro thought he'd woken him up. He leaned down to examine Egbert, whose eyes were still shut tight. "Dirk," he mumbled again, "please..."

Bro bit down on his gloved fist, hard. He left the room at a brisk walk. He definitely wasn't running. He was just walking very quickly because...it was good exercise. Yeah. Exercise.

God, what had this kid done to him?

When he first met John, he was a cute, gawky, 13-year old in desperate need of a good orthodontist. Not much had changed, but he was pretty sure he never had the intense desire to bone 13-year old John. So when the hell had he started wanting this?

The first kiss was two weeks ago, but he hadn't meant anything by it...right? He was just teasing a cute kid. Had he subconsciously wanted this all along? Fuck, maybe he had. He was a weird dude with weird taste, and he was the first to admit it. But...he barely knew the kid. He could count on one hand the number of conversations they'd had that involved real sentences prior to this vacation, and they had spent all of one day together before they started groping each other the moment they were alone. So why was it that this kid got under his skin so easily? Why was it that he wanted so desperately to shove him against a wall and give Daddy Egbert a perfect excuse to call child services?

But more importantly, _why the hell do I care so much about why?_ Bro had had countless meaningless flings, so what did it matter if this one amounted to nothing?

_Because he's just a kid. Because he's half your age. Because he's Dave's best friend._

_But more importantly, because you're enamored like hell with the little shit and you know that, eventually, he'll get over whatever bullshit reason he has the hots for you._

Sleep wasn't going to happen tonight, not with his mind racing like this. He went to the roof to practice his katana and stayed there until the sun was shining and his bones ached. He showered quickly and dressed. It was late morning when he finally left his room to get breakfast, and of course, John was in the kitchen when he walked in. John shot him a look that said "where the hell have you been" but didn't say anything. Bro attributed his silence to the fact that his parents were also in the room.

Dad Egbert said hello and offered to let him borrow a razor. Roxy greeted him by pinching him in the ass. John saw that and frowned, and it took all of Bro's will power not to smirk down at him.

As Bro poured himself a cup of coffee, John edged towards him. "Hey Di -- uh, Bro. Did you sleep well?"

_Very subtle, kid._

"Not really. I couldn't sleep."

"Oh." John was biting his lip so aggressively, Bro just wanted to lean forward and... _no, don't think those thoughts when his parents are in the room._ "Did something...did something happen that upset you?"

Oh god this kid's _face_. He couldn't help but ruffle John's hair and smile awkwardly down at him. "Nothing for you to worry about, kid."

That seemed to be the wrong thing to say entirely, because John was pouting even harder now. When he walked out of the kitchen, Bro almost followed after him. He probably would have if John's parents hadn't been right there.

Once he'd eaten, he found John in the living room alone with his laptop. He stayed silent as Bro sat beside him, nibbling on his lip thoughtfully. He glanced up at Bro several times, even opened his mouth twice, but shut it soon after.

"John," Bro said, "is there something you want to say?"

John huffed. When he spoke, his voice was quick and barely above a whisper. Bro had to lean in to hear him. "It's just...I was thinking about how you kept asking me if I was ok with everything and you seemed so worried about _me_ but I was wondering if _last night_ ," he said those two words especially quiet, "was something you actually wanted or if maybe I just pressured you into it because I'm a horny teenager and I just want you to know that...well...I'm sorry if I did that."

Bro wanted to laugh, wanted to cackle the way Dave's girlfriend did or snort the way Roxy did when she thought something was extra funny. But instead he leaned forward, giving John a short kiss. Once he pulled away, he smacked John lightly on the head. "Don't be such a dumbass, Madokabert. You seriously think I'd do _that_ just to appease a 16-year old brat?"

"Does that mean...you liked it?"

Bro leaned forward, bit down on John's earlobe and tugged lightly. John shivered and let out a heavy breath.

"Ok, ok, I'll take that as a yes," John said, pushing Bro lightly on the chest. Once Bro had backed off, he opened the laptop that sat beside him. "Would you watch a movie with me?"

"That depends. Does it star Nic Cage?"

John rolled his eyes. "I don't know, dummy. I was gonna ask you to pick one. We spent an entire day watching my favorite movies, and this morning I realized I don't even know what movies you like. So I thought we could watch the movies you want to watch today."

A smile was threatening to spread across Bro's face. "You sure about this, Egbert?"

Jon raised his eyebrows defiantly at Bro. "Bring it on, Bro."

"Ok." Bro cracked his knuckles and rested his hands behind his head. "Let's start with _The Room_."

\----------------------------------------------------------------

He couldn't help but smile when he was with John. He couldn't help but laugh at John's sincere commentary during _Manos: the Hands of Fate_ , and he fucking _guffawed_ when John slammed his laptop shut at the end of _Monster A Go-Go_ , nearly cracking his screen. John crossed his arms and glared at Bro's insincere apologies. His instinct was to lean forward and kiss him until he was forgiven, but half the family was in the living room now, going over final plans for the wedding, which was only four days away.

After the wedding, he and Dave would only be there for four more days before going back to Houston. That thought distracted him from begging for forgiveness. He had realized it before, and it was part of what had made him give in to John so easily. He wasn't going to be here forever, which meant that whatever he and John had was temporary. At first, his feelings against their relationship had been out of concern for John; he didn't want to take advantage of a child. But John had proven that this was exactly what he wanted, and after last night, he was more worried about himself then about John. He actually... _liked_ this kid. He _like_ liked him, as third grade as that sounded. He was sure that when he left, John would bounce right back to life as usual. But what would _he_ do?

John seemed to notice the change in his mood, nudging him in the shoulder and telling him he was forgiven. He asked if Bro wanted to pick the next movie. Bro smiled and told John to take a turn. He picked _The Fifth Element_ , and Bro cleared his mind and focused on Bruce Willis.

At dinner, John was as chipper as ever. Every so often, he would glance at Bro through the corner of his eyes and his mouth would curve in a shy smile, one that Bro knew was reserved for him. In response, he would slip his hand under the table and squeeze John's leg lightly and John would _blush_ from the tips of his ears to the hollow in his throat and Bro was grateful for the opaqueness of his shades as he marvelled at the tint that spread across Egbert's skin because _why the hell does that make him blush so hard when he manages to stay so composed as he begs me to bite him?_

John was pulled away by Terezi after dinner, and Bro could only imagine what horrible things they were plotting together. He spent some time with Roxy, letting her gush to him about the wedding, then went to bed early. He needed some time alone. Maybe he could even convince Cal to stop being so self-satisfied for two god damn minutes to talk this out with him.

He pulled Cal out and Cal seemed willing to listen, but he didn't know what to say. He tossed the puppet back into the closet and undressed before crawling into bed. He laid there, unblinking, for what felt like hours, his mind creeping towards thoughts that he didn't want to have. And then he sat up.

_Fuck this._

"Fuck this," he said aloud. Why was he sitting here, alone, when there was someone just down the hall he wanted to spend time with _who also wanted to spend time with him?_ Who cares if it didn't last? He should just enjoy this while he could.

He checked the time. It was a little past midnight. John must be in bed by now, right? Bro was out of the door and down the hall in a second.

John's bedroom door was unlocked, so he stepped inside. Egbert was sprawled across his bed, one foot dangling off the side, drool threatening to spill from the edge of his lips. Bro walked to the other side of the bed and crawled into the small space available. He wrapped an arm around John's chest and scooted closer, and then John made a soft noise and turned into him, tucking his head in the crook of Bro's neck. He mumbled something unintelligble in his sleep and Bro could feel the soft breath against his clavicle and tugged John tighter into him. He pressed his chin against the top of John's head and closed his eyes, let out a deep breath, and finally fell asleep.


	14. My Sort-Of-First Time

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Bro asks John about his past, Dave enjoys Kanaya's company, and Jade and Karkat hate each other.

There was a weight pressing against John, something warm and firm that wrapped around his waist and tangled with his legs, preventing him from rolling away. Eyes still closed, he nestled deeper into the warmth and felt something soft and feathery tickling his lips. He smiled against it and let an eye slide open. Pale hair obstructed his view. He opened both eyes and pulled back to see that Bro's head was tucked against his chest. His smile grew wider and he pulled a hand up to run through Bro's hair.

"Dirk?" Bro didn't respond, so John untangled himself and scooted lower on the bed until they were eye-level. "Di-rk." He leaned his head in and examined the face before him. Had Bro always had those freckles? And why hadn't John noticed them before? He inched forward, meaning to press a kiss against each spot of pigment. When he moved to switch cheeks, Bro's head tilted up and met John's lips with his own.

He stayed there for a while, letting their lips rest against each other. "Good morning, Bro," John said when he finally pulled away. Bro made a guttural noise in response, his eyes still closed. "How long have you been here?"

Bro yawned and rubbed at his eyes. "Since midnight," he grunted out.

John felt his skin grow hotter and his chest felt like it was filling up. "You've been here all night?"

Bro's eyes peeked out between his splayed fingers. "Maybe."

John's stomach was doing olympic-grade acrobatics now. He ducked his head down to rest on Bro's chest and wrapped an arm around him. "I thought you might start avoiding me again."

"Why would I be avoiding you?"

"I thought, maybe, you felt not-ok about the other night...I know you said it was fine, but...I got the sense that maybe it wasn't? You seemed kind of weird yesterday." Bro's chest tensed beneath him, and he lifted his head up to look at Bro. "You weren't ok with it, were you?"

"That's not it, John."

"What is it, then?"

Bro sighed and his hand was back over his eyes. John got the impression that he was missing his shades right about now. "We just sort of...jumped into it," Bro said. "I should've talked to you about things first. You're so young...it was probably your first time doing anything beyond kissing." Bro peeked out from behind his hand again. "Was it?"

"Was it...my first time?" Bro nodded. "Um...sort of."

"Sort of?"

John was fidgeting. He sat up, and Bro moved to sit beside him. "Yeah, sort of." Bro watched him expectantly. "Ugh, do you _really_ want to know what happened?"

Bro clasped John's hand between his own. "I would love nothing more than to hear the story of your sort-of-not-first-time."

John took a deep breath before he started. "Ok, well, for a long time, I didn't know that I was, um, gay, or whatever, and it wasn't like I was repressed, I just...hadn't really thought about it, I guess? I had never really liked anyone until I was 13 and I met this girl, Vriska, who I was friends with for a really long time, like, a year and a half, before she told me she liked me and I just...sort of...went with it. Because I was young and I thought that was what people did, I guess. I liked her well enough; she was the one who got me into Nic Cage. So we started dating and...ugh, you have to _promise_ not to laugh, ok?" Bro made a crossing motion over his heart. "Ok, well...Once we had been dating for a few months, she mentioned that I never really kissed her or anything like that, and I apologized but I didn't really know how to fix it? Because kissing her just wasn't something I really enjoyed. I thought that maybe I just didn't like kissing, but..."

"It was just kissing girls that you didn't like?"

"Yup."

"So, what came next? How was your not-first-time?"

John fidgeted again. "She asked if she could go down on me. Well, she didn't ask, she told me she was going to. And it was all fine and dandy until I came, and I, uh..." He mumbled the last of his sentence into the palm of his hand.

"I'm sorry, what was that?" Bro pulled John's hand away, smirking. John narrowed his eyes at him. He could tell from Bro's expression that he had heard what he said, but there was no way he was going to let it go until John said it loud and clear.

"When I came, I said 'Nic Cage'. Ok? Are you happy?"

"John, you have no idea how happy you just made me."

He crossed his arms. "After that, she just laughed at me and said 'I knew it.' We didn't go any farther than that. Then she introduced me to her friend, Tavros, and we dated for a while..."

"Did you scream out Kevin Spacey's name when he went down on you?"

"We only ever kissed, asshole," John said, punching Bro in the arm. "He was kind of in love with Vriska, so it didn't last for very long. I didn't like him that much anyway. I was just sort of going with the motions, like with Vriska. Except I actually enjoyed kissing him."

"Did you, now? Was that because you thought of Nic Cage while you kissed him?"

"No, Bro, I don't have to think of Nic Cage every time I kiss a person."

"But it helps?"

"Dirk."

"So, that Cage marathon...was that like foreplay for you?"

In answer, John shoved Bro hard enough that he fell back onto the bed. He continued. "Tavros and I broke up without ever going past first base. After that, I didn't like anyone until -- oh..."

"Until my brother?" Bro was looking up at him. John gulped.

"Yeah. But like you said before, it was just because I was jealous! I never actually liked him. So really, the first person I've liked since then is..."

Bro's face softened and he lifted an eyebrow. "Me."

John scooted forward to lie down next to Bro. "You're the first person I've been with who I've genuinely wanted to be with, so...I may have gotten a little excited. Maybe I moved too fast, but...I don't think I did? I wanted to do it. It felt right and it still feels right, so I don't regret it. Do you regret it?"

"No." Bro pulled an arm around John and squeezed. "Not if that's really the way you feel."

"Good, 'cause it is." John rolled over so he was lying on top of Bro. He put an arm down on each side of Bro's head and leaned down for a kiss. "Does that mean you want to -- um, what did you call it? Fruiting?"

" _Frot_ ting."

"Right, that. Um, do you want to do it again?"

"Right now?"

"Yeah!"

"Jesus, kid, I just woke up."

"So what?" He leaned down and bit impatiently at Bro's jaw.

"Madokabert," Bro said, slipping his fingers beneath the hem of John's shirt, "You will be the death of me."

\----------------------------------------------------------------

When they finally decided to get up for the day, Bro decided that instead of sneaking down the hall, he would just climb out the window and scale the building to get to his room. John opened his mouth to protest, but Bro was already gone. John got dressed, ate, then went in search of Jade. It seemed like she had been stuck hanging out with Karkat a lot lately, and he felt kind of guilty. He also felt guilty because they had promised each other to forget about the Strider men. That resolution hadn't lasted very long. He could only hope that Jade was doing better with her resolution.

In the dining room, he found Dave and Kanaya.

"John!" Kanaya exclaimed. "Thank goodness. Please, do something with Dave."

"Hey! I thought we were having a good time here?" Dave said.

"I do not understand anything that you are saying, Dave. I am sorry, but I think you are purposefully trying to confuse me and I have a very busy schedule. I was supposed to meet Rose's mother and John's father 15 minutes ago but you have been distracting me with your insincere poetry."

"They're called _raps_ , KY. C'mon, now."

"Please do not call me that."

"What, you don't like your new nickname?"

"Hey, Dave!" John interjected. "Do you know where Jade is?"

"Naw, man. Haven't seen her since Karkat chased her away an hour ago."

"They must be around here somewhere," Kanaya said. "Why don't the two of you go and find them?"

"Maybe I wanna hang with you, KY," Dave said.

"Dave, c'mon," John said, tugging at his sleeve. "Help me find Jade."

Dave followed, begrudgingly, after Kanaya practically shoved him out of the kitchen. They set off down the hall, checking each room as they passed.

"What do you think about Jade and KK?" Dave asked.

"What do you mean?" John said, closing a door to a room they had just checked.

"I mean, it's pretty obvious that KK's got a thing for her, don't you think?"

" _Karkat and Jade!?_ "

"Yeah, dude, trust me; that guy's got it for Harley."

"But he's so mean to her!"

"Yeah, he's _extra_ mean to her because he _extra_ cares about her."

John scrunched his nose. This didn't really sound like Karkat to him, and he had spent more time with Karkat than Dave had. "I don't know about that, Dave."

"I'm telling you, dude, they are going to be partaking in the sloppy make-outs sooner or later. And it is going to be sick. As in nasty. Gross. Jade could do so much better."

John rolled his eyes at that. "Whatever you say, Dave."

Dave was silent for the next few rooms, but every time John would look back, Dave would have this look on his face like he wanted to say something. John was about to ask him what it was when Dave finally spoke up.

"I feel like I haven't seen you a whole lot lately, Egderp."

John frowned back at Dave. "I see you every day, dude."

"Yeah, in passing. But most of the time, you're looking for Bro or hanging out with Bro or just daydreaming about Bro."

"Dave, are you seriously still upset about that? I thought you were cool with me hanging out with Dirk."

" _What did you just call him?_ "

John stopped. _Oh shit._ "Um...That's just his name, Dave! What's wrong with calling him by his name?"

"What's wrong with it?" Dave grabbed onto John's arm and jerked, spinning him around. "What's wrong is that _I_ , his own brother, thought his legal name was _Bro_ until I was 14. He never even told me his real name; I found his birth certificate by accident. So why the hell did he tell you his name after two weeks of bro time when he wouldn't even tell me for 14 years?"

John took a step back, a sick feeling growing in his stomach. "I don't know, Dave. Did you ever try asking him what his name was?"

"Of course I did. _He told me it was Broderick._ "

"Well, Dave, I'm sorry that you have such a shitty relationship with your bro!" John said, flinging his arms in the air. "I don't know what to tell you! I asked him what his name was, and he told me, but he told me not to use it in public because he's a weirdo who doesn't want people to know his name, but I goofed. I'm sorry if that upsets you that he told me or whatever, but I can't force you two to have a normal relationship." He spun around and walked forward, moving on to the next room.

"John," Dave said, walking quickly after him. "Do you _like_ my bro? Like...you know what I mean. Because if you do -- I think you're fuckin' _sick in the head_ , but...I don't see why you wouldn't tell me."

John slowed down to a stop. He bit at his lip, then turned around. He looked up at Dave, who was peering at him over his shades, and his cheeks flushed. "Dave...I maybe have a crush on your bro."

"Fucking _knew it_." Dave said, waving his hand in the air. "You know what that dude does for a living, right?"

"I know, Dave." And he did know, but it had...slipped his mind. The personalized smuppets everyone had gotten for Christmas flashed across his mind. Bro really was a weird guy. "But...I don't know, he's just cool, I guess."

Dave scoffed and moved past John. "I can't say I blame you, 'cause Striders got it goin' on, but...c'mon, dude. You really think he's a viable option?"

"Um..."

"He may seem cool at first, but at heart, he's just a perverted old dude with fetishes so disgusting that your little shota mind would implode at their mere mention."

"I am not shota!"

Dave turned around to pat John lightly on the shoulder. "Sure you're not." He turned back around and continued. "My point is that, despite the fact that he's my _brother_ and I would _murder you_ if anything ever happened, he is literally the worst romantic option you could pick." They were climbing the stairs now. "And as you're best bro, I just want to look out for you. So get over my bro, pronto. Got it?"

John was grateful that Dave was facing away from him because his lips were twitching and he was trying so hard to bite back a smile. His prankster's gambit was quivering, begging him to jump in front of Dave and describe in great detail the extent of his relationship with Bro at this point, but he held himself back. He had a feeling Dave wasn't joking about the murdering thing, and he didn't think an overabundance in his gambit was enough to revive him from a Strider Beatdown.

"Do you hear that?" Dave asked, pausing in front of the door to the observatory. He leaned against the door, pressing his ear against the wood.

"I don't hear anything," John answered, stepping forward.

Dave turned the doorknob and pushed in slowly. Soon, he was standing in the doorframe, pale eyebrows raised to his hairline. "Egbert, I hate to say I told you so, but..."

John frowned and pushed past Dave to look into the room. Immediately after shoving in front of Dave, he gagged and turned away. "Oh god my _eyes_!"

Jade was pressed between the giant telescope and Karkat, who seemed to be devouring her face. At the noise, Jade's eyes flew open and she smacked Karkat on the back until he pulled away from her, snarling and cursing. She pointed towards the doorway and Karkat turned and saw them. He glared at John and Dave, then mumbled something incoherent, probably a string of insults and curse words, John thought. Jade blushed furiously and smacked Karkat on the arm.

"Excuse me while I go scoop my eyes out with my mother's brooch," Dave said, turning back into the hallway.

"I'm gonna be sick," John said, turning to follow Dave. They ran down the hallway to fake-gag into the toilet. Jade and Karkat followed awkwardly, protesting. They tried to convince John and Dave that what they had seen hadn't been anything at all and they should totally just forget about it because they were just caught up in a moment and nothing was going on with them and they both totally hated each otehr and didn't want John or Dave to think that anything was going on between the two of them.

John finally stopped fake-gagging to turn to the couple and put a finger up to their lips. "Shh, shh, everything is okay, my precious babies." He pulled them both into a tight embrace and whispered "welcome to the family" in Karkat's ear. Karkat growled at a "fuck you" but John just smiled at him.

He snorted. "I don't sleep with my cousin's boyfriends."

Jade and Karkat swore in unison.


	15. Too Tired For This Shit

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Bro is a sleepyhead and John takes an interest in lovebites.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> it's been a really long time since the last update??? sorry bros.
> 
> i 'poloize for any gross errors cuz i am slightly tipsy atm
> 
> some almost-smut 4 u

Dave and John spent the next hour questioning and teasing Karkat and Jade, but the couple was saved when Rose and Terezi dragged the four of them into a spare room to help with making decorations for the wedding. Everybody was there except for Dad, who was in the kitchen making food samples for the menu. John sat down across from Bro and instigated a kicking war with him as they filled mesh bags with potpourri and strung dried flowers together. Footsie ended when John accidentally kicked Karkat in the shin and received a look so menacing that he didn't look up from his project until he was finished.

After everyone had gone to bed, John snuck into Bro's room. Bro wasn't there. A conversation during dinner wherein Bro mentioned spending some time with his strife specibus on the roof came to mind.

_Who knows how long Bro would be on the roof?_

John considered snooping, but he didn't want to risk running into Cal. After using Bro's bathroom, he crawled into the bed to wait, occasionally dozing on and off. It wasn't until much later when Bro finally came back to his room, immediately stripping off his sweat-stained clothes until he was down to his boxers. He greeted John in a fashion that suggested he wasn't the tiniest bit surprised by John's presence, which annoyed John slightly. With a soft thud, Bro fell face-first onto the bed, his head landing in John's lap.

"I need a shower," he mumbled into John's stomach.

"I'll say," John said, running his hand through Bro's damp hair. A smile crept across his lips and his eyebrow twitched. "I could join you..."

Bro readjusted himself so he was lying parallel to John. "No shower. Too tired."

"Too tired for complete sentences?"

"Hmm."

Bro rolled onto his back and let his eyes slide shut. His breathing slowed down. John watched him, inching closer and closer, until his nose was pressing into Bro's hair.

"Quit staring at me," Bro said, lying perfectly still.

John nudged his ear into the curve of Bro's ear. "Bro-o."

Bro squinted at John through the corners of his eyes. "Lemme guess, you're horny."

Then John was on top of Bro, straddling his waist. "Duh." He leaned down to press a wet kiss against Bro's collarbone.

"Kid, seriously," Bro said, shoving lightly at John's shoulders, "I am about to pass out."

"I'll wake you up," John murmured against Bro's shoulder.

"I don't think you understand just how tired I --"

"Bro," John said, sitting up, "how do I leave a hickey?"

One eyebrow quirked and Bro stared up at John for a while before answering. "You want to give me a hickey?"

"Yeah."

"Man, don't give me a hickey."

"What? Why not?"

"Becuase I'm 37 god damn years old. I can't be running around with a hickey."

John pouted. "But you gave me hickeys."

"...I did?"

"Bro, _seriously_?" John pulled his shirt off and tossed it to the side. He pointed to the few dark spots dotting his chest and the large purple bruise just below his neck.

"Shit," Bro said softly. He raised a hand to trace over the bruises and John shivered under his fingertips. "To be fair, it's hard not to bruise you; you always tell me to bite harder. What's a bro supposed to do..." His hand crept up John's throat to rest on his cheek and John leaned into the touch, his heart fluttering lightly. "Sorry, Egbert. I'll try to be more careful."

"It's ok." John lifted his hand to lock their fingers together against his cheek. "I like them. Actually, I think I might have a thing for pain?"

"Really? I hadn't noticed."

John leaned forward, moving Bro's hand to let it rest on his waist, and pressed a kiss against the underside of Bro's jaw. "You owe me at least one hickey," he said, dragging his teeth down Bro's neck and nipping at his jugular.

"Fuck," Bro breathed out. "Ok, just...try to keep in mind that I don't have a pain fetish, ok? And make it easy to hide."

John glided his nose across Bro's chest, enjoying the way Bro shivered beneath him as he let out a heavy breath through his nostrils. His eyes darted up to lock with Bro's, a look of pure innocence across his face. "So what do I do? Do I just...suck?"

"Basically," Bro said, slipping a hand into John's hair. "You have to suck hard enough to break the capillaries beneath the skin, but soft enough so that you don't actually break the skin. So - _ow_ , teeth, dude."

"Shut up and accept my hickey," John said, biting down on the base of Bro's right pec. Bro tugged at his hair and John pulled his teeth back, replacing them with his lips. As he kissed and nipped at the spot, he pulled his hands down to Bro's hips, rubbing the pads of his thumbs over Bro's pelvic bone and slipping the rest of his fingers beneath the hem of Bro's boxers. Bro made a soft noise of approval, so John sucked harder and ran a hand through the light patch of hair beneath Bro's navel.

When his lips started to get sore, he pulled up, looking down at his work. "It doesn't look any different, besides the slobber. Did I do it wrong?"

"It's not instantaneous, dude. It'll show, and when it does it'll be huge. I can fucking feel it."

"Good." John leaned down to press a kiss against Bro's lips. He licked once at Bro's mouth, then pulled away before Bro's tongue could meet his to work at the throat beneath him. John's hand worked it's way towards the stiffening bulge in Bro's boxers, working it with the palm of his hand.

"John, I appreciate your enthusiasm, but there is no way I can perform in this condition."

"That's not what your dick says, dude," John said, rubbing his palm roughly against the fabric of Bro's boxers. In response, Bro sucked in a breath sharply, his hips jerking involuntarily, and he grabbed onto John's wrist.

"My dick doesn't get a say in the matter, so keep your hands to yourself."

" _Dirk._ " The way he said it made the name sound like an eight-syllable word. "All you have to do is lay there! I'll do all the work."

Bro stared up at him, unblinking, until eventually he dragged a hand across his face. "Fine, I don't care. Do whatever you want."

John did a little jig where he sat and then swooped down, biting and licking and sucking at Bro's mouth. Bro responded lazily, running a hand lightly through John's hair and letting the other drape across his back. He rolled his hips against Bro's and suddenly the hand in his hair tightened, Bro murmured something agaisnt his lips that he didn't hear or particularly care enough to hear again, so his lips went down again, tugging at the mouth beneath his, trying to consume the person underneath him. His fingers dragged and bit across the stomach below, causing Bro to break away occassionally in protest. John chased after those lips every time, softening the grip his fingers had. His fingers found purchase at the hem of Bro's boxers and tugged down. He frowned when he realized that Bro really _was_ going to make him do everything himself and he lowered himself, glowering up at Bro as he jerked the boxers away and Bro just smirked down at him, the lids of his eyes drooping half-shut.

And then Bro's dick was there, right in John's face. That had been what he wanted, but it also seemed to appear so...suddenly? He watched it, examining it closely, until it twitched and John looked up to see Bro looking down at him, a slight tinge of pink at the top of his cheeks and _oh my god is he blushing????????_

"Don't just stare it at, jesus, you're making me self-conscious."

John muttered an apology as he felt his own cock twitch against his pajama bottoms. Apparently, as well as being into pain, he was also really into Bro being adorable. He reached a hand out tentatively, gliding his thumb across the head. Bro's breath hitched, and John smiled. He wrapped his hand around Bro's shaft and pumped once, pressing a kiss against Bro's inner thigh simultaneously. He pumped and kissed a trail of kisses until his lips reached the base of Bro's cock. Bro started as if he was going to speak, it sounded like the beginning of John's name but turned into a hissed curse as John licked a stripe up his shaft and pressed a kiss to the tip of Bro's cock. He hesitated for a moment, then he pressed down and his mouth was full of Dirk cock and oh god he could feel the tension in Bro's hand as he gripped so tightly into John's hair, trying so hard not to push his head down farther or jerk his hips up violently but John was slowly realizing that he wasn't sure if he would mind if either of those things happened. He pressed down harder but _oh shit that was too far_ and pulled back briefly to cough, and then Bro was breathless, asking him if he was ok, telling him to take it slow, or at least that's probably what he was going to say but instead he was hissing again as John's mouth went down.

He let his teeth drag down experimentally but gave up on that venture when Bro yelped and tugged at his hair. So instead he pulled away, still working Bro with his hand, and gave his attention to the balls that had been sitting below his chin. He looked over them thoughtfully, then leaned forward to suck at them and briefly wondered if one could leave a hickey on another person's testicles.

He decided against that idea. For now.

His mouth moved back to the tip of Dirk's dick and he let his tongue glide across the slit when he noticed that Bro's hand had loosened it's grip on his hair significantly. Bro made a noise that he thought was a grunt of pleasure, and he looked up to see Bro's head tilted to the side, his eyes shut, mouth ajar, and...

John jumped up, his hand slipping from Bro's cock to slam against the bed. " _Dirk Strider did you just fall asleep while I was giving you a blowjob!?_ "

Bro snored in response.

John slumped down where he sat, his once erect dick now half-limp.

"I can't believe you fucking _fell asleep_." He glared at Bro, wondering how hard he would have to glare to make his head explode. "I know you were tired, but...seriously?"

No. No, this was not good for his gambit. None of his gambits were feeling particularly healthy at the moment, especially not the ones regarding his dick. But he knew how to fix it.

Yes, yes he did.

He had just found his next pranking subject.


	16. A Prank Gone Too Far

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> John pranks Bro and immediately regrets it.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> you guys are rad as hell. thank you for reading and sending messages and leaving comments and all that jazz. if anyone wants my tumblr, it's in my profile. and you're never bothering me if you message me bc i am just so happy to hear from you guys.

When Bro woke up, he had the immediate sinking feeling that something was wrong.

For one, he was alone. Wasn't John here when he fell asleep? Hadn't they been...oh god. His eyes sprung open as he remembered. John had gone down on him, and he had...oh god.

His hand travelled up to rub at his eyes. Shit, there would be hell to pay for this, wouldn't there? He had tried to warn John, but the kid was as persistent as ever. Still, he felt bad. It was never a good feeling when someone fell asleep on you right as you were gving them head. He should really do something to make it up to John. Something awesome that he would figure out later, because right now he really needed a shower.

Bro got out of bed and headed to the bathroom. He noticed that his shampoo smelled a little different -- did it smell slightly more cherry than usual? But he shrugged it off as he lathered his hair. It wasn't until he was mid-blow dry, staring at his reflection, when he noticed.

His hair was pink.

He dropped the blow dryer, leaning in closer to the mirror and tugging at a lock of hair.

He looked like fucking Pinkie Pie.

_So this is what I get for falling asleep on the job?_

He took a step back, let out a breath, and relaxed. Ok, he could live with this. Egbert must have done something to his shampoo, hence the smell. It would probably wash out soon enough, whatever it was -- kool-aid, probably. Bro could let this slide. This was nothing. _Is that all you got, Madokabert?_ he thought as he finished blow drying his hair.

He left the bathroom to get dressed. He grabbed the duffel full of clothes, but when he opened it the entire contents of the bag were frozen solid.

His eye twitched. Ok, now this was starting to get annoying. Did the kid want him to walk around in nothing but a towel all day?

_...Actually, he'd probably get off on that._

Bro tightened the towel around his waist and grabbed a second to wrap around his shoulders because _damn_ Madokabert had given him one hell of a lovebite, then he went in search for his shades. They were nowhere to be found. His hat, gloves, and back-up pairs of all three accessories were missing. He opened the closet to check if he had left a spare set in the second bag, but when he opened the door he saw...No. Egbert couldn't have... _No._

_Too far, Egbert._

He slammed the closet door shut and rushed to the bedroom door. When he opened it, a tower of red plastic cups, each filled with shaving cream, toppled over on top of him.

\----------------------------------------------------------------

"TZ, where are you?" John shout-whispered into the walkie talkie in his hand.

When Terezi's voice came over the walkie-talkie, it came out in short breaths. "I'm almost there, John, cool your jets! I just saw Strider Senior knock over the leaning tower of shaving cream. He sounded pretty pissed!" She let out a cackle. "I think I heard him shout your name in rage! You're gonna get it, Johnny!"

"No," Dave said, falling into the seat beside John, "Bro will take it out on _me_ , and every injury I sustain will be your fault, Egbert. Are you really willing to live with that?"

John put a hand on Dave's shoulder. "We all have to make sacrifices in times of war. Your country thanks you for your service." Dave slapped his hand away and grumbled.

"I wouldn't be too worried about injuries, Dave," Rose said, adjusting the pointy shades on her nose. "Isn't that what you have Dr. Pyrope for? I'm sure she'd be happy to lick any new wounds of yours."

"Hmm," Dave said, "jealous, Rose?"

"Dave," Kanaya said, "I do not think you're physically equipped to make Rose happy, therefore it would be foolish of her to be jealous of your relationship with Terezi."

Rose gave her girlfriend a small grin and Dave leaned forward. "Why you gotta hurt me like that, KY?" He said.

"John." Kanaya said his name loudly, pointedly turning her head away from Dave. "I cannot see properly through this eyewear. Is it necessary for me to be able to see for this prank to be successful?"

"No, Kanaya," John said, "just sit there by Rose and make sure Lil Cal doesn't fall down."

"See, about that," Dave said, leaning towards John, "I get that you wanna prank my bro cuz you've got a weird boner for pranks and you've got a weird boner for him -- ow, dude, don't hit me for telling the truth -- anyway, I get that you wanna combine the two to give yourself like the ultimate boner or whatever, but why you gotta bring Lil Cal into the this? Cal is bad news, man. And Bro goes _crazy_ over the little plush freak. And John," he pulled John's hands into his own and held them there, "don't you care about me? Aren't we friends? Aren't you worried about what horrible things Bro will do to me once he finds out Lil Cal is missing?"

John shook Dave's hands away. "God, stop being such a baby, Dave. I won't let Bro do anything to you because of the prank, ok? I will take full responsibility. If Bro is really that upset about it, then I will tell him to take it all out on me."

Although his eyes were blocked from view, John could tell from the way his face twitched that his eyes were rolling behind his shades. "I bet you'd like it, too."

John slapped Dave again and told him to shut up as Terezi ran into the room, hissing that Bro was nearly to the living room. John pushed the pointy shades up awkwardly against his glasses as Terezi sat down next to him and Dave cowered in the corner of the room. When Bro entered the room, (wearing nothing but a towel, John noted) he stopped and almost jerked back, as if he had run into an invisibile wall. Shaving cream dripped from his pink hair as his head turned to look around the room. Each individual, besides Lil Cal and Dave (who was still hiding in the corner), was wearing a pair of pointy anime shades, a cap, and gloves. The Bro Strider standard.

"Bro, your hair!" Dave cried from the corner. John stifled a laugh with the back of his hands and Bro's eyes darted towards him and narrowed, sending a shiver down his spine.

"I think it looks good on him," Rose said. "Very Pinkie Pie."

"I did make the association," Bro said, his tone flat as he stared John down. He felt himself sink lower into his seat as his stomach dropped. Bro could sure look menacing when he wanted to. And, ok, a little hot. A little really hot. Bro all pissed-off-but-stoic looked pretty god damn hot to John.

"Nice outift, Bro!" Terezi said, pointing to his towel.

John felt a mixture of relief and disappintment rush through him when Bro broke eye contact to nod at her. He walked towars the opposite side of the room and stopped in front of Rose and Kanaya.

"Ladies, I believe you have something of mine," Bro said, reaching towards Cal.

"Excuse me, Mr. Strider," Kanaya said, blocking Bro's hand, "but Mr. Cal and Rose are in the middle of a session right now."

"Yes," Rose said, pushing the brim of her hat up, "it's imperative that we finish this session, or else who knows how Cal might lash out?"

After staring down at the trio for a moment, Bro straightened up and took a step back. "Fine. How long will the _session_ take?"

Rose let out a heavy sigh, shaking her head and looking over the notebook in her hand. "Who can really say? We don't want to rush things, of course, but I can't say how long it will take for Lil Cal to fully open up to me."

"Cal's an open book," Bro said. "I'm _sure_ he'll be opening up to you in no time."

"We'll see," Rose said. "If you'd like to wait, you may take a seat in our waiting room." She gestured towards the couch where Terezi and John sat. She turned back to Lil Cal as Bro walked towards the couch "So, Cal, how did you come into Mr. Strider's possession?"

John watched as Bro walked closer and sat beside him on the couch. Bro crossed his legs then casually swung an arm across John's shoulders. Face still turned forwards, Bro leaned down so his face was just inches from John's.

"John," he breathed out, and John could feel his own breath growing harder and shorter, "I would sleep with one eye open tonight if I was you."

Ok, maybe pranking Bro wasn't the greatest idea, because the threatening tone Bro used made John scared and horny all at the same time. He wasn't sure if he wanted to run and hide or try to give Bro another blowjob.

He decided to run and hide.

"Ok, haha, prank's over, everybody," John said. He jumped from the couch and grabbed Lil Cal, then tossed him back to Bro. "Great job, you guys!"

"It's over already?" Terezi asked. "No fun!"

"Thank god," Dave muttered.

"C'mon, you guys, I am the pranking master here!" John said. "And as pranking master, I know when a joke is old, and this one is _done._ "

Rose pulled the shades and accessories off. "If you say so, John. I just hope Cal doesn't lash out because of this." She and Kanaya left the room after dropping their accessories off on the couch beside Bro.

"C'mon, TZ," Dave said, grabbing her hand. "Let's get outta here before I end up in another strife." He pulled her out of the room after depositing the shades, hat, and gloves into Bro's lap. Which left Bro and John alone.

"Um," John said, pulling the gloves off as his feet fidgeted, heart pounding like crazy, still completely unsure if he was more aroused or terrified, "no hard feelings? It was just a few harmless pranks, right?"

Bro was in front of him in a second, silently staring down at John. He plucked the glasses off of John's nose and John shivered at the contact. Horniness and fear were still toe to toe. Bro put the shades on, then repeated his actions with the hat and gloves before responding.

"Egbert, I can deal with pink hair and frozen clothes -- hell, I like looking like My Little Pony and I prefer being nude. I could even deal with you taking my shades, because I figured maybe I deserved it after last night." John narrowed his eyes at the memory. Bro certainly did deserve it after last night. "But," he continued, "you messed with Cal, and messing with Cal is unforgivable."

"Bro," John rolled his eyes, "c'mon! It's not like I harmed him or -- "

Bro pressed a finger against John's lips to shush him. "Revenge will be mine, John. Just keep that in mind." John gulped, and then Bro was gone, flash-stepping out of the room, taking Cal and all of his accessories with him.

When John went to bed that night, he made sure to lock his bedroom door.


	17. Revenge Is a Dish Best Served At Your Dad's Wedding

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Some new guests arrive and John gets jealous so snuggles with Bro.
> 
> Oh yeah and Mom and Dad are getting married.

The next day was spent on edge.

There was no sign of Bro anywhere, and there was no indication as to when or how he would strike back. But John knew he would, and the knowledge made a slow chill creep up his back and his eyes dart across the room suspiciously, as if he could feel Bro watching him.

The wedding was the next day, and Kanaya seemed to be as nerve-wracked as John felt. When she wasn't supervising the decorating committee or triple-checking the seating chart and menus, she was pacing back and forth, mumbling to herself about floral arrangements. Rose calmed her with a touch of the shoulder and a small smile, and Kanaya's expression lightened a fraction, her pace halting for a quiet moment the two of them shared. John turned away from the sight, feeling as if he was viewing a private moment.

Jade, Karkat, and Terezi were the decorating committee. Terezi mostly rolled her eyes as she hung ribbons and floral arrangements on the wall and Karkat and Jade bickered. John and Dave were the welcoming committee, which meant they were preparing rooms for the guests who were arriving that night. All of the spare rooms in the house were currently full, which meant they had to do some rearranging to make room for the guests. Kanaya and Karkat were already sharing a room, but Jade, Terezi, and Dave each had separate rooms. Jade offered to bunk with Rose, and Dave suggested that he could bunk with John. Dad shot down that idea, explaining that since it was his wedding night, he had intended to stay the night in John's room instead of with Mom to keep tradition in check. Dave made a fuss about having to share a room with Bro and suggested that he share a room with Terezi instead. John liked the idea at first, since Dave bunking with Bro and Dad bunking with him meant that there was nowhere he and Bro could be alone together, until he remembered that he was terrified of being alone with Bro at this moment. Dad frowned at Dave's suggestion and began a speech about honor and integrity that Dave and John both rolled their eyes at before dragging Dave's heavy suitcase down the hall to Bro's room.

The two guests arrived right before dinner. There was a robust man, relatively Dad's age, with a thick moustache, and a short, plump woman by his side, who couldn't have been older than Mom. They both had dark hair and wore glasses. John assumed they were a couple, but he literally knew nothing about these people except that they were Roxy's dearest friends. And then his interest was sparked tenfold when Bro decided to materialize, and the greeting he gave them suggested that they were as dear to him as they were to Roxy. The man garnished a tight embrace and a _look_ from Bro that made John's stomach churn with jealousy.

_Jeez, Egderp, relax. They're just bros. Don't act like Dave doesn't get an extra special hug from you when you haven't seen him in a long time._

John took a breath to calm himself down, and stepped forward to join the large group at the door and then Bro was lifting the woman up and literally spinning her around and they were giggling like children and John spun around and left the room, heading to the dining room early. He could meet the new guests later.

He sat in his usual spot, smiling up when the others came into the room. John frowned when Jade and Terezi sat down on either side of him. Bro sat opposite him, with a newcomer on either side. He sulked into his food while everyone ate and chatted. He learned the newcomers names, Jane and Jake, and that no, they were not married. They both guffawed when John asked them if they had ever considered marrying each other.

Much later on, he lied on his bedroom floor as his father chattered excitedly from his bed about the next day. John groaned, burying his face into his pillow.

"Son?" Dad called, leaning across the bed to peer down at John. "Are you alright?"

"Yeah, dad, I'm fine," John said, standing up, "the floor is really hard, though. I think I'm gonna sleep on the couch." He moved towards the door as Dad sat up, leaning towards him with his hand outstretched.

"John, before you go to sleep, there's something I'd like to discuss with you, if that's alright." He patted the bed, gesturing for John to sit beside him. John bit his lip, moving to sit on the edge of the bed.

"Sure, dad."

"I, well..." Dad sat for a while, um'ing and ah'ing and gesticulating as he tried to find the words he wanted. When he decided on what to say, he set his palms down firmly on the bed and looked up at John. "You've grown to be quite the young man, and I can't begin to express how proud of you I am in a verbal manner."

"I know, dad."

He gave John a light punch to the shoulder. "Especially after the way you pranked Mr. Strider today! I shed a little pride-tear every time that pink hair comes into view."

"Haha, thanks, dad."

"And it's not just me that's proud of you," Dad said, his hand reaching to rub the back of his neck. "Roxy has become very fond of you, you know that, right?"

John rolled his eyes. "I know, dad. I think she's cool, too."

"Yes, I really am so happy that the two of you get along so well..." He was still rubbing, fidgeting more and more, and John didn't know if he had ever seen his father exhibit such nervous habits before. "And since the two of you do get on so nicely, Roxy had thought -- she suggested to me," and the infliction Dad used and the way his eyebrows raised told John that he wanted to make it clear that this had been _her idea_ , "that _you_ could walk her down the aisle."

John's heart skipped a beat, his breath hitched, and he brought a hand up to cover his mouth. "She wants...me...to giver her away?" Dad nodded, and John realized there was a smile hiding behind his palm. He lunged forward and gripped his father in a tight hug. "Of course I will!"

Dad returned the hug, squeezing John tightly and mumbling something about pride in John's ear. His ears were buzzing and he couldn't quite make out the words, but for once he was actually happy to hear them.

"Is it...really ok?" John asked, pulling away. "I mean, it's kind of -- dad? Are you ok?"

A hand raised to cover Dad's quivering lip. "I'm fine, John." His voice was shaky, but he was smiling. "I think it's best we both get a good night's rest, though."

"Um, ok," John said, standing and heading for the door. "Are you sure you're ok?"

His father nodded, lying and turning away from John. He left the room, heading down the hall.

That was...odd. Certainly unexpected, but he would be lying if he said the thought that Mom would ask _him_ to _walk her down the aisle_ didn't put a new spring in his step. He hugged his pillow and blanket tightly to his chest, smiling to himself.

When he grew closer, he heard laughter coming from the living room. He recognized Bro's deep, breathy laugh, and there was another, higher giggle that he didn't recognize. He peeked around the doorframe to see Bro, stretched out on one of the couches with an arm wrapped around Jane, who was pressed into his side, giggling. She sat up to giving him a peck on the cheek, then stood to leave as John walked in, eyeing the two of them with care.

"Hey, John!" She said, a warm smile on her face. She toussled his hair as they reached each other. "Shouldn't you be in bed? It's a big day tomorrow!"

He ducked his head to clear it of her hand, which gained another smile from her. "My dad took my room, so I decided to sleep on the couch," he answered.

She made a move for his hair again and he swerved, eliciting a loud, high laugh from her. She turned back to Bro. "Don't let Dirk keep you up too late!" She said before leaving the room, still giggling to herself.

John watched her as she left, slightly perplexed. _What a weirdo._

Bro was still half-laying on the couch when John turned to him, his eyebrows raised. "That's my bed you're sitting on."

"There's another couch right there," Bro said, gesturing toward the larger couch across the room.

John rolled his eyes. "Tch. The couch you're sitting on is better."

He extended his legs, rolling his entire body onto the length of the couch. "Too bad, Madokabert. This couch is claimed."

John waited, crossing his arms and tapping his foot. When Bro made no move to give up the couch, John dumped his pillow onto the empty couch. He turned, back towards the couch Bro was on, and walked forward. Without a word, he crawled across Bro's waist, ignoring Bro's protests, positioning himself in the small space between Bro and the back of the couch. He burrowed in deeper, pulling his blanket over the two of them and wrapping an arm around Bro's chest.

"Egbert," Bro said, his breath tickling the tips of John's hair, "I'm supposed to be plotting my vengeance against you right now. Snuggling up against me is kind of hurting my credibility."

"Suck it up," John mumbled, pressing his nose into Bro's chest and squeezing the arm around Bro's chest.

Bro mimicked John's "tch" from earlier and John pinched him, gaining nothing but a short, low laugh. The Strider's fingers ghosted across John's back, finding the hem of his shirt and resting at the skin just beneath it.

"What if someone walks in and sees us being extra cozy?"

"I'll just tell them I thought you were Nic Cage."

"I'm still gonna tear you a new asshole for messing with Cal, y'know."

"I know, I know, you're gonna get your revenge." John lifted his head to look up at Bro and gave an awkward smile. "But, to be honest, your like, vendetta against me, or whatever, kind of...turns me on."

That ellicited a loud snort of laughter as Bro threw his head back.

"Of _course_ it does, Egbert. Of fucking course it does."

\----------------------------------------------------------------

When John woke up the next day, he was alone on the couch. He couldn't remember if Bro had been there when he finally fell asleep, but he remembered they had laid there, snuggling and teasing each other for what felt like hours. The memory made him smile and bite his bottom lip in what he was sure was the dorkiest expression imaginable, but he was too busy giggling to himself to care how dorky he looked.

He wasn't allowed to giggle to himself for very long, though. The entire house was in chaos and Kanaya was at the center of it. He hadn't seen Mom, but he couldn't imagine her being very stressed out at all. She was probably having more fun than anything. Dad seemed to be suffering from an adequate amount of stress, but he seemed to be more excited than anything.

In the car on the ride to the reception hall, he was stuck between Karkat and Jade, who had evolved beyond arguing with their words. Mostly they were just making out. Sloppily. In public. John had been placed between the two of them as a buffer, and it worked. Until they arrived at the reception hall.

At least she seemed to be over Dave.

John was rushed to the room where Mom, Rose, and Kanaya were. He stammered when he saw Roxy, trying to find a way to express how _lovely_ she looked and how much this meant to him, but when he couldn't say anything besides a few vowels and guttural noises she grabbed him and brought him in for a tight hug, reminding him not to cry on her dress. She was wearing pink rather than white -- because, as she said "there's no way in hell I could get away with wearing white after the things I've done with Daddy Egbert." She winked and John gagged, excusing himself into the hallway for a moment to catch his breath.

He paced up and down, silently freaking out. He was going to walk Mom down the aisle. He was going to walk her down the aisle with all of those people watching and he couldn't make a weird face or trip or fart or anything and what if all of those things happened at once oh god oh god oh god why did she want him to do this oh god he was going to mess up oh god what was he thinking he should just run away now is running away an option running away is always an option no John no you can't run away you idiot Roxy is depending on you oh god why is this happening oh god oh god oh god --

"John!"

Broken out of his stupor, John's head jerked up suddenly. Bro was standing in front of him, waving a hand in front of his face. John slapped his hand away, grimacing. "What?"

Bro pulled his hand away, mocking injury. "You looked like you were having an aneurysm. I just wanted to make sure you were ok."

"I'm fine."

Bro raised an eyebrow. "Oh really?"

"Yup! Supercalifragilisticexpialidocious, in fact." John barred his teeth in what he thought was a believeable grin. It was obvious that Bro didn't buy it. Instead of questioning him further, the Strider grabbed his hand and tugged him into the nearest room, which happened to be a supply closet.

"Bro, what are you do -- AH!" John was shoved against the door, Bro's hands on either side of his face. "Um, Bro?"

"It's nothing to be nervous about, y'know?" Bro said, close enough that John could feel hot breath against his lips. "All you have to do is walk."

John was leaning up into the kiss before Bro could finish his sentence. The kiss was slow, relaxed, and John felt himself melt into it as Bro cradled his face in his hands, pressing them closer together. His fingers gripped at the back of Bro's vest -- and he suddenly realized that Bro _was wearing a vest_ , as if he had dressed up for the occasion. He pulled away to comment on it, and Bro chuckled.

"I can dress up -- is it really that much of a surprise?"

" _Yes._ " John slid his hands up the smooth fabric, admiring the way it hugged Bro's chest in an entirely different way than the polo ever did. There's just something about formalwear...His hands reached Bro's neck, grasping into his hair, and he noticed -- "You're not wearing your hat, either!"

"Get over it, John," Bro mumbled, grabbing the hand at the back of his neck to press a kiss against John's wrist. "Before you do your thing," and Bro's teeth were grazing lightly agaisnt the patch of blue on John's wrists, sending a shiver through him, "I just wanted to geniunely apologize for the other night."

"The...other night?"

Bro dropped John's wrists back at his neck, and John let them hang there lazily. Bro's hands reached around John's waist, pulling them closer together, pressing John harder against the door.

"When I fell asleep."

"Oh...right." John attributed the flush that was spreading across his cheeks to the embarrassment and annoyance he had felt at the time, but the proximity of Bro's cheek and the way it nuzzled against him and the lips brushing against his ear and the grip Bro now had on his ass might have had something to do with his shortness of breath.

Bro pulled away, but stayed close enough so John could see his eyes behind those frames. "It really wasn't a reflection on your performance. I'm an old dude, John. And I was really, really tired. Old dudes fall asleep sometimes. Especially when they're being constantly groped by persistent little shotastic shits."

He bit his lip, fidgeting under Bro's gaze. "Are you... _sure_...it wasn't because I was really awful at it? Because it was my first time doing _that_ so I'm sorry if I sucked -- "

Bro shut him up with a growl and a kiss. "Madokabert, I swear, it was a great blowjob. It was an awesome blowjob. You are welcome to give me another one any time you want."

John smirked. "Does that include right now?"

"Damn, you really do bounce back quickly, don't you?" John responded by reaching for Bro's belt, but Bro slapped his efforts away. "That wasn't a yes."

"Why not?" John asked, pulling his hand back. "You don't want to get your clothes dirty?"

"Because," Bro said, dragging his palm roughly down John's crotch, "it's your turn."

John gasped at the contact, gripping tightly at Bro's shoulders. He grinded down against the friction, eyes fluttering shut, and then Bro's hand was replaced with his thigh as his hands worked on the buttons of John's shirt, opening it just enough so Bro had access to his shoulders. His teeth went down, dragging across John's skin, and John shuddered, the feeling going straight to his groin. His fist in Bro's hair was so tight that he would have worried about tearing some of it out if his throbbing dick wasn't taking so much of his attention.

Bro's fingers were working at the buttons of his pants now, and when the hand reached down to stroke him John arched into it, trying desperatly not to whimper. He failed miserably at that attempt when Bro bit down hard against the base of his throat.

Eyes closed and head tilted back, he was blind to what was happening in front of him, but he could feel Bro's hand gliding up and down, pumping him swiftly, and then a tug as his boxers were pulled down and he shivered at the loss of contact when Bro shifted. He tilted his head down, opening his eyes and saw Bro, looking up at him, his shades pushed back on top of his head, and smirking like the smug ass he was. He was crotch-level to John, holding John's dick in position right in front of his mouth. John could feel every breath from Bro's nostrils, even felt the air move as Bro licked his lips, and the sensation alone was enough to make his hips twitch and a small groan escape from his lips. Without breaking eye contact, Bro swept forward, his lips engulfing John entirely and John's head was thrown back again, but he couldn't make a noise, couldn't have whimpered even if he wanted to; all he could do was arch forward, his legs quivering, threatening to collapse under him at any second.

It was nothing like when Vriska had gone down at him. It probably wasn't fair to judge her on her skill level since neither of them had been particularly enthusiastic about it, but still, _Bro was so much better._ But maybe it had nothing to do with skill, maybe it was just because he liked Bro so much more.

He _liked_ Bro. He really, really liked him. He liked him so much that he wanted to cum in his mouth.

He came close when Bro's teeth dragged against his shaft. He jerked his hips forward, making a noise that he would make him lie awake in shame in bed later that night. He tried to say Bro's name aloud, tried to beg for release, but all that came out were gasps and short, guttural noises. But Bro seemed to know just what he needed, and was eager to give it to him, as he pumped and sucked, cheeks hollowing at just the right moment to give extra suction, tongue rolling deftly across John's head, and the teeth _oh god his teeth_.

It was almost too much, and he could feel it this time, could feel the rush of bliss coming and oh god it was coming he could feel it right there oh --

And then Bro pulled away. John was still in too much of a daze to realize what was happening except for the fact that there was significantly less saliva around his dick. He looked back down and he was tucked back into his boxers, Bro zipping his pants and buckling his belt. His hands dropped from Bro's hair and he stared down at him, panting.

"Bro? What happened?"

Bro stared back at him, quizzically. "I don't think I know what you mean, Johnny."

Did he really not understand...? John looked away from him, embarrassment tinting his cheeks at having to explain this. "I...didn't come..."

"Oh, I know." Bro patted him on the shoulder, pulling him away from the door. "Half a blowjob, just like you gave me." Bro turned him towards the door, pressing his hand against the knob.

"Ok, haha, Bro, very funny," John said, slight panic in his voice, "but you know I can't go out there like this, right? My dick is harder than it has ever been in my entire life and I have to walk Roxy down the aisle."

Bro leaned down against John's ear, his words coming out as quiet as a breathe, "keep this in mind next time you mess with my puppet." And then the door was open and John felt a shove against his back as Bro literally kicked his ass into the hallway. The closet door was slammed shut before John could even turn around.

"Dirk?" Panic was clear in his voice now as he slammed his fist against the door. "Dirk, this isn't funny! I'm sorry I took your stupid doll but c'mon! I have to walk Roxy down the aisle like this!" Only silence came from behind the door. He jutted his shoulders defiantly and gave one last smack to the door. "Fine, I don't need you! All I have to do is find a bathroom!"

"John?" He turned towards the sound and it was Rose, walking down the hall towards him. "Where have you been? We're almost ready!"

"Oh, um, Rose, I just..." Shit shit shit _shit shit shit._ "I have to use the bathroom first."

"Just hold it in!" Rose said, tugging at his wrist.

"No, Rose, you don't understand -- "

"John, come _o -- ooohhhh..._ " She had jerked John away from the door and her eyes immediately went to his crotch, then darted back up. her eyebrows raised and she only stared at him for a few moments. "John, just what the hell have you been up to?"

"Um...do you really want to know?"

Rose frowned. "Fair point. Well...don't you have a jacket or something you could try to hide... _it_ with?"

John grimaced. He could feel his face burning and wondered just how bright his cheeks were. "My jacket's back in the reception hall."

Rose studied him for a moment, and he could tell she was biting back a smile. He didn't know what the hell there was to smile about, though. She was wearing a dark shawl which she pulled from her shoulders. "Here," she said "take this. I think it's long enough to hide your problem adequately. I'll run and grab your jacket before we get started." She held her shawl out and John took it, wrapping it around his neck.

"Uh, thanks, Rose." He hunched over and tugged nervously at the shawl, trying desperately to make it longer.

"You're welcome, idiot. Now let's go." She held a hand out to him, which he gratefully accepted. "Can't believe I'll be related to such a huge doofus in a few hours."

"Only legally," John corrected.

"Well, bully for me."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> haha john


	18. Dave's Time to Shine

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Food fight.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> haha the chapter title says dave and time and dave's aspect is time lol
> 
> i'll be here all week, folks

Bro Strider was a dead man.

John was going to kill him. He was going to kill him. He was going to kill him so hard. The density with which he would kill Bro Strider was even greater than the hardness of his still very erect dick.

_God, this is so uncomfortable._

He moved the weight of his body back and forth from each leg, trying to find a position that wasn't painful.

_I am going to kill you, Bro._

Rose had retrieved his jacket for him. Thankfully, when purchasing the suit, his father had had the sense of mind to have it tailored to be a little too big for him so he could grow into it. Right now, he was extremely grateful for the extra length in his jacket. If he hunched over a little, the material covered his erection and it was almost entirely unnoticeable. He tried not to think about it as he walked Mom down the aisle, tried to focus on the task at hand and how important it was, but he couldn't help but glance nervously around the room, wondering if anyone had _noticed._ He caught Bro's eye and was given a wide grin. It took all of his strength not to sneer back.

_You smug son of a bitch._

He practically ran back to his seat after leaving Roxy at the altar, careful not to press too close when she hugged him. He took his seat beside Rose and she gave him a small smile and a nod. Did that mean everything was ok? No one had noticed? Or was she just being nice because John had just made a total ass of himself in front of everybody? He took her shawl when she handed it to him, dropping it in his lap, grateful for the extra protection.

The ceremony went on and he tried as best as he could to stay focused, to be happy for Dad and Mom, and to be happy for himself for the addition to his family. However, when Dad finally lifted Mom, running down the aisle with her as they both giggled, he was still uncomfortably erect. The moment he was free, he wanted to jump up and sprint down the hall to the bathroom, but Rose placed a hand on his shoulder as the guests shuffled out of the hall, nodding her ahead, gesturing for him to follow her. She guided him to an arch in the far side of the room, away from the leaving guests. She leaned against the wall, the ghost of a smile on her lips, her arms crossed lightly against her chest.

"Is there anything you'd like to talk about, John?"

"Um, no," he said, still squirming to find a comfortable position. "I kind of need to go to the bathroom, though. Can this wait?"

"I wanted to talk to you about that, actually." The look she gave him was so coy and sinister, which led him to believe that whatever she was going to say, wasn't something he wanted to hear. "I was wondering," she continued, "how exactly you found yourself in this predicament. It seems unlikely that you would find your own father's wedding _that_ arousing, unless you are much more perverted than I ever guessed; I am curious as to what it was exactly that you found so titillating."

"Oh, well..." God, this was weird. Did she know something about Bro? She _looked_ like she knew something. But how would she know? "I was so nervous, y'know, about walking Roxy down the aisle, that I thought...it might calm my nerves, so..."

"So you decided to hide in a supply closet and relieve some tension?"

"Yeah, haha," John said, scratching the nape of his neck. "Pretty dumb idea, right?"

"And the supply closet, of it's own accord, kicked you out and locked the door behind you?"

"Oh...ah, that..."

"John, I've noticed something lately," Rose said, leaning forward to press a palm against his shoulder, "about your behavior. Ever since New Year's, you've been acting...different. And I think I know what it is now."

"I'm acting _different_?" He said, shrugging her hand away. "You've been so absorbed in your girlfriend lately, I'm surprised you noticed anything that wasn't the color of her eyes."

Rose smirked. "I'm not surprised you didn't notice I'd been observing you since you've been giving all of your attention to a certain well-toned, polo-wearing, smuppet connoisseur."

Oh.

"Ok," John said, his voice rising in panic, "so you noticed I have a crush on Bro. Sorry if that weirds you out or whatever, but I can't control my hormones -- "

"John," she said, still smirking, "I _know_ that what you're feeling is far from one-sided."

"...Oh." His heart was racing. She knew. How long had she known? How _much_ did she know? Had she told anyone? Were they really that obvious, or was it just because Rose was so obversant?

"I'm not judging you," she said, rubbing a calming circle against his shoulder. "I only want to tell you that if you need to talk about it, about anything, I'm here, and I can promise that anything you say to me will be kept confidential."

He looked at her, and she was smiling, and it was warm, and genuine, and he felt a weight lift from his stomach. His nerves still hadn't settled completely. Someone had realized the sort of relationship he had with Bro just by observing their behavior together in public, and he knew the kind of trouble Bro could get into if someone less understanding realized what was going on.

"Rose...please don't tell anyone."

"Of course I won't tell anyone," she said with a frown. "What kind of sister would I be if I ratted on my new brother?"

"A terrible one."

"That's right." She patted his shoulder once more before letting her hand drop. "That was all I wanted to tell you, so you are now free to go relieve yourself."

"Thank god." John was sprinting through the room and down the hall before Rose could let out a laugh.

\----------------------------------------------------------------

Relief came quick, and he was finally able to join the reception and begin to enjoy himself. He watched Mom and Dad cut the cake and shove a piece in each other's face, giggling. He tried to mimic their actions with Dave by shoving a piece of cake at him because, duh, funny, but Dave squirmed down to the bottom of his seat, ducking his head down so just the tips of his frames were visible above the table they sat at. Terezi had gone to the bathroom; Jade, Karkat, Rose, and Kanaya were all on the dancefloor, and even Bro was on the floor, dancing with Jane, Jake, Mom, and even Dad.

"So, John," Dave said, sitting up as soon as they were alone, "I heard from Rose that you had to jack off in the bathroom."

"Dave!" John hissed, eyes darting around them to make sure no one was in ear range. "Jesus, shut up!"

Dave was grinning at him. "Exactly what the hell happened to get you so worked up _at your own dad's wedding_?"

"I saw your brother in formalwear and it really turned me on," John answered flatly. "And then I had to take care of it in the bathroom and I cried out 'Dirk!' as I came."

"Jesus." Dave jerked away from the table, hanging his head down and making gagging noises. "Not funny, Egbert."

"You're just jealous it wasn't you I was thinking of."

"Oh, please, as if you could handle even the mere thought of my ass."

"Your ass has nothing on _Dirk's_ ass. He has one sugoi booty."

"You even sound like him now!" He waved his hand in the air, grabbing his neck with the other. "Please, please, no more. I can't deal with this. You are spending way too much time with that perverted weeaboo."

There it was again -- he was spending an awful lot of time with Bro. A knot formed in his stomach. "Uh, Dave, this might sound kind of weird, but...do you really think I spend too much time with your brother?"

" _Yes._ "

"Dave, seriously," John said, punching him in the arm. "Is it...like, odd? Or...inappropriate? I just don't want to be a burden to your bro or anything..."

"Ugh, Egbert," Dave whipped his glasses off, rubbing at his eyes, "I think it's weird to ask. It's weird as hell to me that you actually enjoy spending time with him, but if you're worried about annoying him, don't be; he fucking loves attention, no matter where it's from. It's not like you're boning each other or anything. Chill, dude."

"Ha ha, right. As if!"

"I still don't see why you'd spend your time with _him_ rather than me and TZ, though."

"Ugh, Dave!" he threw his head back. "I promise, I will spend all day tomorrow with you, ok? Does that make you feel better, you giant baby?"

"It's about damn time," Dave said. "You know we're only here for a few more days, then back to Houston."

"Back...to Houston..." He was right, there were only a few more days. It had completely slipped his mind that they only had so much time together. He would miss Dave like crazy, but...what about Bro? The thought that they lived so far away from each other hadn't even occurred to him until now. Had it occurred to Bro, he wondered?

"I'm gonna miss you, bro," Dave said, raising a fist towards John. John bumped his fist gently with Dave's.

"Dave," John leaned forward, "you know my parents aren't really having much of a honeymoon now. They're just spending the night in a suite tonight, but they'll be home tomorrow. And then my dad and I will fly back to Washington for the week to get the rest of our stuff, and dad will finish up the transfer paperwork at his job. But they don't really have time for a real honeymoon until my birthday."

"Your birthday?"

"Yeah!" his voice grew louder with excitement. "They were planning on going on a 2-week cruise, but they don't want to leave me and Rose all alone for that long, and since it's on my birthday, Dad suggested that maybe we could visit you in Houston. Do you think that would be ok?"

Dave grinned. "Of fucking course it's ok, Egbert. Just have to clear it with Bro, but I'm sure he won't mind."

"Won't mind what?" Bro was there at Dave's back, behind him was Jane. "You two have something to share with me?"

"No!" John said, jumping in his seat. "Nothing at all." He shook his head at Dave, who rolled his eyes.

"Sounds suspicious," Bro said, sitting between John and Dave. "Does this have anything to do with how John was sailing at full mast earlier?"

John felt his cheeks burn as Dave guffawed. "Oh fuck, Bro, did Rose tell you, too?"

"No one had to tell me; I can recognize a kid trying to hide a boner when I see one."

That elicited another loud snort of laughter from Dave as John glared down at the cake in front of him. He was going to kill him he was going to kill him he was going to kill him.

"Leave John alone," Jane cooed, leaning over John's shoulder and patting his arm. _Oh, great, sympathy from the person I least want it from._ "I'm sure he's had enough of you for a lifetime, _Bro_. Why don't we go get some cake?"

"Hmm." Bro tapped a finger against his lip. "Do I want cake, or do I want to stay here and torment Egbert?"

John bit his lip hard, then reached down for the cake in front of him. "Here, Bro, why don't you take my cake?" His prankster's gambit soared as he shoved the piece in Bro's face. Ah, sweet, sweet revenge -- _literal_ sweet revenge. He covered his laughter with his hand as Bro blinked, his expression obstructed by cake.

Jane snorted at John's ear. "Hoo hoo! Can't say you didn't have that coming, Dirk!"

"Maybe I did," Bro said, smearing cake off of his cheek. He grabbed an abandoned piece of cake from the table and lifted it in the air. "But it's only fair that I retaliate."

John ducked as the cake flew through the air, hitting Jane in the neck. She laughed out loud, and picked up another piece of cake from the table, flinging it at Dirk, who had ducked. The cake hit Dave, knocking his shades askew. Dave froze, silently staring through his crooked frames.

"Um...Dave?" John said.

Dave jolted up so suddenly that his chair was thrown backwards, toppling onto it's side. "This is it," he breathed, "the moment I've been waiting for all my life." He grabbed two handfuls of cake before shouting at the top of his lungs, "FOOD FIGHT!" and flinging the cake in his hands at the nearest bystander. Jane joined him, tossing cake left and right, and soon the whole room was throwing cake -- because of course cake was the only food served at Mom and Dad's wedding.

"Oh no," John said, shrinking down into his seat. "What did we do?"

The room was a blur of pink, blue, and white; the music was still going but it was barely audible over people's shouts. When Terezi came back into the room, she immediately picked up a piece of cake without a moment's hesitation and shoved it down Dave's back. Karkat and Jade were on the floor, rolling around in cake. Even Mom and Dad were in on the action; Roxy was wearing a more casual outfit at the moment, having changed out of her wedding dress for the reception, and a sinister grin was spread across her face.

"Do you want to hide under the table?" Bro asked, turning to face John. John nodded his head almost violently and then they were both ducking down, slipping beneath the table.

"This is all your fault!" John hissed, wiping cake off of his jacket.

" _My_ fault? You started this." Bro took his glasses off, wiping them on the underside of the tablecloth, and glared at John. "You flung cake at me first."

"You were being an asshole! It was totally justified." He fidgeted, his hands automatically moving down to cover his crotch protectively. "I can't believe you actually left me with a raging hard-on like that. That was _painful_ , dude."

"I can't believe _you_ messed with Cal like that." He put the glasses back on, but he took them off immediately. Cake was still smeared across them. "You pranked me first; it was only natural that I fight back. If you can't stand the heat, then get out of the kitchen."

"I only pranked you because I like you! When I really prank someone, it's because I really care about them. I pulled my prank out of affection; yours was just plain mean."

"So what, the harder the prank, the more you like someone?"

"Yeah, duh." And suddenly John felt shy and awkward because Bro had basically asked him how much he liked him. Despite Bro's shitty actions, it was still a lot. More than John might be comfortable admitting.

"Well, Egbert, Maybe I'm the same way. Maybe I only torture the people I care about the most."

John looked up at Bro. He looked good even with cake smeared across his face. Maybe even better. "You gave me a boner...because you care about me?"

"I said maybe."

This was fucked up, he realized that. They had both just admitted to showing their affections by basically torturing one another. That didn't exactly sound healthy to John, and yet he couldn't stop the feeling of his heart swelling and his stomach turning to knots. He crawled closer to Bro as Bro watched. "Maybe," he said, "we could work on showing our affection a better way. One that doesn't involve torture."

The shades lay abandoned by Bro, who was sitting cross-legged, crouching over so he fit beneath the table. He leaned forwards, toward John. "Is this a truce?"

John crawled forward and settled in front of Bro, crossing his legs. He didn't have to crouch as far to keep from hitting his head on the table. "It's an how-about-we-make-out-instead-of-arguing-over-who-pranked-who-worse."

"There's basically nothing I could do to quell your desire to mack on me, is there?"

John leaned forward, resting his hands at the nape of Bros neck. "Do you _want_ me to stop wanting to mack on you?"

"Do you want me to want you to stop wanting to mack on me?"

"God, Bro," John said, tugging at Bro's hair, "why are you such a dick all the time?"

"Because I like you, idiot. Didn't we just cover this?"

John wasn't allowed to respond. Bro ducked down in a kiss and John's mind went blank, except for one stray thought: he wondered just how pissed off Kanaya would be at the food fight that they had instigated. He guessed it would be a lot. When he fell backwards, pulling Bro on top of him and deepening their kiss, he decided it was worth it.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i actually have no idea what happens at weddings. two people say "i do" and kiss and stuff in front of a bunch of other people?? idk. marriage is for chumps.


	19. A Shower, Some Sex, and Labels

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> John is uncomfortable talking about his _feelings_ but is very comfortable telling Bro to suck his dick.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> god i feel like every other chapter has smut in it now. is this a thing i should feel guilty about? there will be less smutty chapters...in the future...maybe...

Kanaya was as furious as John had imagined she would be. The reception was long over, and she was currently pacing back and forth, lecturing the entire wedding party. The blunt of the blame was thrust onto Dave, and John would have felt guilty about it if Dave didn't seem to be enjoying it so much and so unironically. Mom and Dad weren't upset by it at all, though; they were proud. Of course, it didn't surprise John in the least that his father would be proud of a food fight erupting at his wedding, but Dave seemed to be disappointed that they weren't more upset. Bro snickered at their reaction, and John stole a glance at him. He still wasn't wearing his shades, but most of the cake was off of his face. That was partly due to John licking it off of him. Although he still detested all baked goods, he had to admit, they tasted especially good when being licked off of Bro Strider's jaw. He grinned at the thought and turned his head down to hide his expression.

Mom and Dad went straight to their hotel after the reception, and Bro was left in charge. When the party finally got home late that night, he grunted out a "everyone's in charge of themself and none of you better expect a damn thing from me" before heading to his room for a shower. Everyone was in desperate need of one, but there were only so many bathrooms. An argument erupted immediately, but instead of partaking, John chased after Bro. He caught him at the door to his room. He tried to speak, but all he could manage was to open and close his mouth like a fish. For some reason, he felt more nervous around Bro than he had just the night before. Bro studied him with one eyebrow arched, watching his mouth open and shut. He peered around John to check if the hallway was empty, then swooped down to kiss John's bottom lip and his nerves immediately settled, a shiver running through his body.

Bro pulled away, pressing his nose lightly against John's. "If you're going to ask if you can shower with me, then you better grab a change of clothes quick 'cause I ain't wasting my time waitin' for your shota-ass when all of the hot water in the house is about to be used up."

"Two minutes!" John said before sprinting down the hall, across the house to his room. He was back with fresh clothes in under 90 seconds. His jacket was abandoned on the floor; the buttons of his shirt were half undone by the time he reached the archway of the bathroom. He paused to take in the view of Bro leaning over the tub, adjusting the pressure and temperature; his eyes grazed over the arch of Bro's back, down his spine to the curve of his waist, down to where an orange waistband met tan skin.

"Hey, Bro."

"Yeah?"

"You have a really nice butt." John leaned forward and snapped the waistband of Bro's boxer briefs. Bro jerked forward then spun arond, standing to his full height and glowering down at John. He stepped forward, forcing John to step back, until John was pressed against the wall. "Sorrysorrysorry," John let out, holding his hands up in defense. Bro only continued to stare down at him. John tried a smile, giving his dorkiest grin to Bro, but his expression didn't change. Instead, Bro took hold of John's chin, tilting his head back. John let him, a chill running through him as he gulped. Lips were hard against his jawbone now, then his ear, biting and tugging, and he stifled a groan, dragging his nails down Bro's back.

Bro's breath was thick against John's ear when he muttered, "get these fucking clothes off."

He left John panting and turned his attention back to the shower. John obeyed, ripping his shirt off too quickly and not giving one single fuck when the last two buttons popped off and flew across the room. He nearly tripped trying to get his pants off and Bro only rolled his eyes at him, already nude and stepping into the shower. John chased after him, jumping into the shower; as soon as the spray hit him, however, he sprang to the back of the tub, crying out.

"Bro, It's too hot!"

Bro stuck his head under the nozzle, his hair flattening under the water. "No, it's not. It's the perfect god damn temperature, you baby."

John stuck a tentative hand under the water then jerked it back. "No way! How can you stand it that hot?"

"Egbert, do you ever stop whining?" Bro's lips were twitching in an almost-smile. He grabbed onto John's wrist, jerking him forward under the spray with him. "You'll get used to it." Before John could protest he leaned down to kiss him. And ok, yeah, maybe Bro was right about getting used to it, because soon the temperature of the water was the last thing on his mind. John slid his hands down to grip onto the Strider's ass and Bro let out a small moan.

"You really do have a nice butt, _Dirk._ "

At the sound of his name, Bro's grip tightened around John's waist. "Is that the only thing you like about me? My ass?

"No, of course not! There's other stuff."

"Like what?"

"Bro..." John blushed, his eyes rolling to look at the ceiling, the shower curtain, the wall, anything but Bro's face. "Seriously?"

"Seriously."

"Um." He bit at his lip. God, this was so... _sappy._ He couldn't believe _Bro_ had just asked him that. "I don't know...your smile?"

"My _smile_?"

"Yeah, but," ugh, this was so uncomfortable, "like...I just mean that...I thought you were all totally stoic and ironic. I didn't know you knew how to genuinely smile, but, it seems like you smile all the time?" He mentally cringed at the upward infliction of his own words. _Jeez, Egderp, could you have said that in a more stupid way?_

"You make me smile." And that caught John's attention, made him look up at Bro's face. He wasn't smiling now, but the warmth was there, in his expression, in his eyes.

"I like your eyes, too," John added, standing on his tip-toes so they were eye-level and squinting. "It's not just because they're pretty -- they are pretty, though! But I like them because no one ever sees them, y'know? So, when I see your eyes, it's like, um, rare. 'Cause you always have those stupid shades on. Which are like, ironic or something, I guess? But even though they're really stupid I kind of like that you have them on all the time because then no one gets to see your eyes, and it's like...a secret, that you only share with me, and...that makes me, uh, happy, or...whatever..." He trailed off; the look Bro was giving him caught him off guard. It made John's chest tighten and pushed him down to the flat of his heels. He untangled himself, reaching for the bar of soap and mumbling about how hard dry cake was to get out of your hair.

Bro let him go and reached for the shampoo. John watched him out of the corner of his eye, watched as he lathered his hair, his gaze growing softer, returning to normal. The lather he was working into his hair was changing from white to light pink, and John couldn't hold back a laugh at the sight. He snorted at the look Bro gave him.

"What?"

"Your hair's fading, Pinkie Pie!"

Bro flicked a puff of lather at him before rinsing his hair out. John picked up the shampoo, holding it out to Bro. "Here, do me," he said, holding it out to Bro. Bro raised both eyebrows and smirked. John mumbled a "shut up" as he turned around. He tilted his head back, providing Bro with better access to his scalp. He sighed as Bro massaged the shampoo into his hair. "You have nice hands, too. That's another thing I like about you."

"My _hands_ , really? What's so special about them?"

"I dunno." It came out sounding like one garbled noise as John shrugged. "They're really warm and surprisingly soft. And they're huge!"

"You're one to talk, yaoi hands."

"You called me that before! What does that even mean?"

"It means you're not one to be calling other people's hands huge."

John's face scrunched in confusion, then smoothed in realization. He grabbed one of Bro's wrists, tugging the hand attached to it down in front of his face, and pressed the palm of it to his own hand. "Oh my god! They're just as big as yours! How did I never realize how huge my hands are before?"

"Ok, Shotabert. Rinse." Bro switched places with John so he could rinse his hair under the pour of water, still marvelling at the size of his hands.

"I can't believe I never realized how big they are before! I mean, I've had the same hands my entire life. How did I not see it? Maybe they grew overnight. Maybe I've had a growth spurt and I didn't realize it!" He spun around, his wet hair flinging water into Bro's face. "Bro! Do I look any taller than I did yesterday?"

"Calm down, man. They're just hands." Bro grabbed onto said hands, pulling John forward. He looked John over, one eyebrow raised. "Nope, no growth spurt. You're still as short as ever."

John twisted his hands in Bro's grip, twining their fingers together. "I'm not short. I'm taller than Dave."

"The caffeine addiction Dave's had since he was 12 disqualifies him. You're shorter than me, and that's all that matters."

He frowned, jutting his lower lip out. "Yeah, but you're a giant. That's not a fair comparison."

Bro tugged on John's hands. "Did you come here to argue about height or fool around in the shower with me?"

"So impatient," John said, abandoning Bro's hands by his side to cup the back of Bro's head. "I thought being impatiently horny was my thing?"

"Let it be my thing tonight," Bro said, nipping at John's ear. "You were so fucking cute when I went down on you earlier."

"Ugh, don't remind me. That was awful."

Bro pulled back. "Excuse me?"

John's eyes widened; he shook his head. "No no no! I didn't mean that...no, oh my god, no, Bro, you were _awesome_. I thought I was going to go blind from too much pleasure or something. I just meant the part where you left me in public with a raging hard-on." He shoved lightly against Bro's shoulder. "Jerk."

"Oh, yeah," a smug look spread over Bro's face. "That was pretty terrible, wasn't it?'

"Duh, jackass."

Bro pressed his forehead against John's and slid his hands down to grip John's hips. "Can I make it up to you now?"

John nodded, giving Bro a crooked smile. "Could you do that thing with your teeth again? That was... _really_ nice."

Bro grinned, turning both of them and pressing John against the wall. "I can definitely do the thing with my teeth again."

\----------------------------------------------------------------

John groaned as teeth and nails dragged across his skin. It didn't take much to make him hard, especially when Bro's teeth moved to his nipple, biting down.

"Fuck," he hissed, arching into it. "Do that again."

Bro obeyed, biting harder, forcing John to cry out and dig his palm into his face. He mumbled something against his hand, and Bro pulled away, refusing to move until John repeated himself. John moved his hand momentarily so Bro could hear him.

"I really want to cum in your mouth, ok!?" And then his hand was back, eyes squeezed shut behind him. Before he could regret having said anything, Bro's mouth was on his cock, sucking and licking and his teeth adding just the right amount of pain. John hunched forward, one hand stifling his moans, the other gripping so tightly onto Bro's shoulder that he left red marks.

It didn't take much to make him cum, either. John meant to say something -- because that was the polite thing to do, wasn't it? To warn someone before you shot semen into their mouth? But he couldn't form words, couldn't even remember what the correct words to use were, so he came, and Bro didn't seem the least bit startled, he just swallowed around John's cock. John threw his head back, whimpering something that was meant to sound like Bro's name, and for a moment he thought that he really had gone blind. Until he realized that his eyes were just closed. When he regained his vision, he looked down to see Bro wiping away a line of white from the corner of his mouth, and the sight was enough to make his dick twitch with interest again. He leaned down into a searing kiss, not caring that Bro's mouth tasted like his cum; if anything, the mere thought that _Bro tasted like him_ turned him on more.

Bro pulled away too quickly, leaving John pouting. He turned the shower off and tugged John out of the tub behind him, dragging him to the bedroom and practically throwing him onto the bed.

"We haven't dried off at all," John mumbled between kisses, crawling backwards up to the head of the bed as Bro's lips chased after him. "Won't we get the bed soaked?"

In answer, Bro bent down to kiss him, pushing their lips together so hard that it hurt and John only wrapped his arm around Bro's neck, pulling them closer together.

Bro pulled away slightly, just barely enough so he could form words. "Do you think you could come again?" John nodded, biting his own lip because Bro's was out of reach. "Good, then sit up for me." He pulled back, giving John space to move. John obeyed him and sat up; Bro then instructed him to stand on his knees and face away from him.

"Um, Bro," John started, moving according to Bro's orders, "what are we doing?"

Bro leaned forward to nuzzle the back of John's neck, a hand reaching around to slide down his stomach. "It's called intercrural sex, or thigh-fucking. Is that ok?"

John didn't miss a beat before nodding in response. He was pretty much ok with anything Bro wanted to do as long as it involved them touching one another. A hand was groping his ass, and then fingers slipped between him to caress his perineum and he gasped as fingertips grazed his balls. The hand receded and John didn't have time to miss it before Bro's cock was there, following the same path his fingers had taken moments before, making John gasp with each slide against him. The hand at John's waist moved down to stroke his dick and John groand and leaned down to press his forehead agaisnt the mattress because there was only so much a person could take in a day before he just couldn't hold himself up anymore. Bro's other hand moved to John's chest, pulling him back up against him, pressing their flesh together. He bit down in the soft flesh just before John's shoulder while simultaneously rubbing a thumb over John's slit and John thought, _this is it, this is how I die; Bro Strider is going to sex me to death._

Bro was still thrusting against John, moving faster now, and John thought his head might pop off at any second. His hand wandered back, desperate to find purchase, and he ended up with a palm full of Strider ass. He squeezed and Bro moaned into his neck, his hips moving faster, snapping against John, his hand still pumping fervently at John's cock, and then he set another bite against John's skin. John arched, pressing the back of his skull against Bro's neck, and then -- fuck -- _fuck_ \-- he was coming. He faintly recognized the feeling of Bro tensing against him, felt the sensation of cum-but-not-his-cum falling between his thighs and he realized they had come together and _god_ did that warm his heart in the sappiest way possible.

Bro's grip on him loosened and John fell forward, elbows pressed against the sheets and panting. He heard Bro mumble something, was it an apology? And felt a towel being pressed against his thighs. He pushed himself up and turned around to face Bro. He wanted to look up at him, wanted to look into his dumb, beautfiul eyes and soak in whatever expression he was wearing, which was sure to be fucking smug, but he couldn't bring himself to look at his face. He felt so _embarassed_ and he couldn't figure out why. He wasn't regretting anything, but he still felt terrified to look up at Bro.

"I didn't mean to come all over your legs," Bro said quietly, "I meant to pull away first..."

"Di-irk." John pressed his forehead against Bro's shoulder, breathing against his clavicle. "I like it when you come on me, idiot."

A hand crept up his back, locking into his hair and tugging his head back. Bro was smiling -- of course, he was always smiling when John felt embarassed. "Are you ok, though? Really? How do you feel?"

He couldn't think of words to convey just how he felt at that moment, so instead of speaking, he leaned forward, pressing a soft kiss against Bro's lips. He tried to pour whatever it was he was feeling into the kiss, and he thought maybe it had worked when Bro hummed against him then pulled away to speak.

"Me too, John."

\----------------------------------------------------------------

John was dressed now -- because it was _cold_ and it wasn't his fault if Bro was basically a living heater. He appreciated Bro's warmth as he snuggled against it under the covers, though. He had demanded that Bro help him get dressed since it was Bro's fault that he was so worn out. Bro had complied until John kicked out as he tried to get his pants on, making the task as difficult as possible, because it was funny and John was a child. Bro ended up throwing the pants down on him and cursing and John just laughed. Once he was dressed, he ignored Bro's grumpiness as he crawled under the covers to curl against him.

"I'm gonna miss you, Bro," John said, stetching an arm out to wrap against his chest. "I'll miss snuggling and cuddling and kissing and all the other stuff."

"I'll miss you too, John," Bro said. "Especially your sick obsession with Nic Cage."

"Bro, um, do you think..." John sat up, looking down anxiously. "Uh, well, my birthday is in April, and Mom and Dad were planning on going away for two weeks then since they can't have a proper honeymoon right now, and Dad had mentioned sending me and Rose to Texas to stay with you and Dave while they're gone since they don't want to leave us all alone for that long. And I was already really excited about the idea because that meant I would get to hang out with my best bro on my birthday, but now it's like ten times better because...I'll get to spend time with you, too, and, um..." He looked up at Bro, whose face was blank. "I was just wondering if that would be ok with you? If we stayed there, I mean, and...uh, yeah."

Bro sat up, slowly, his face still blank. "Are you saying that you want _us_ , what we're doing, to...continue?"

"Well, yeah, duh." John answered almost immediately before he stopped to think. Why was that even a question that Bro was asking? "Wait, Bro...do you _not_ want this to continue?"

"No, John," he shook his head, sighing, and the action made John's heart sink though he tried desperately to rationalize the feeling away. "I just wasn't sure what you wanted. I thought that after I left, you would just...forget about me. I wasn't expecting for you to wait for me for three months; I figured you'd get bored and forget about me."

"Bro!" John reached out to slap his arm. "You really think I'm that shallow? Or _desperate_?"

"Shallow? No. Desperate? Hell fucking yes. You are constantly groping my dick."

"Yeah, _your_ dick." John emphasized with a jab to Bro's chest. "Because I like _you_. I like you now, and I'm gonna like you in three months. I can be patient as long as I know what I'm waiting for. I could be patient for you." He pulled his knees up to tuck his chin behind them, feeling like a dumb, anxious teenager.

"Egbert, if we're gonna commit to this...I need to know, what _are_ we?" John peeked up from behind his knees to look at Bro, who was fidgeting awfully adorably. "Are we friends with benefits? Are we dating? Are we _boyfriends_?"

"No!" John's head jerked away from his knees, surprising Bro. "I mean...not like, _no_ no, but...I don't know. I don't know what I mean, ok? And I don't know what we are. But...it feels weird. I like you, but you're my best friend's brother...I don't know how to define this without feeling like I need to ask for Dave's permission first."

Bro brushed the dried locks of John's hair away from his face, letting his hand rest against John's cheek. "Forget about Dave; how do YOU feel about us? About me? What if I went off and slept with someone else? Would you care?"

"Of course I'd care, you asshole!" John said, swiping Bro's hand away.

"Honey, if you like it, then you gotta put a ring on it."

"Oh my god Bro do you want us to get MARRIED!?"

Bro glared at him. "You can be pretty dense sometimes, you know that?"

John frowned and glared back. "You can be a real dickhead all the time, you know that?" He tucked his chin back against his knees. They were both silent after that.

"John," Bro said after a full minute of silence.

"What?"

"You still didn't answer me."

"Because you're still an asshole."

Bro pushed John down against the bed, stretching out over him as he did so. "I'm sorry," he mumbled between quick pecks against John's skin. "I'm sorry I'm an asshole."

John rolled his eyes at first, but eventually accepted the kisses, pulling Bro down into a liplock.

"So, what are we?" Bro asked, pulling away.

John looked down at their fingers, intertwined above his chest. "...I don't know."

Bro sat up beside John. "If that's the case, then -- and I say this in the least asshole-ish, most caring way possible -- I think it would be better if you slept in your own room until we figured this out." Bro looked down at John, waiting for a reply, and when none came he frowned. "John? Are you ok?"

John nodded. "I understand. You're probably right."

"Yeah...it's for the best. So, is this goodnight, then?" He watched John, and when he didn't respond, he opened his mouth to talk again but then John's arms were wrapped around him, squeezing tightly.

"Don't make me leave," John mumbled against his stomach.

"John..."

"Dirk, please?" Bro groaned, but John felt his body relax, felt him shift between his arms as he layed down beside John. He rolled forward, tangling their legs together and covering half of Bro's body with his own. "Thanks," John mumbled.

"Don't mention it," Bro grunted into his hair.

After a few moments of silence, John broke them with a whisper. "Do I really have yaoi hands?"

"John, shut the fuck up and go to sleep."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> next chapter will be bro's pov and the last chapter before the striders are back in texas and the egberts head back to washington. *single tear*


	20. Clingy and Possessive

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Rose teases Bro; John is extra clingy as everyone prepares to go home.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> thinking up chapter titles is hard.

Bro woke up to the feeling of an almost suffocating pressure against his body. Not wanting to fully wake up yet, he swiped blindly at the weight. It made a noise in protest. Bro grimaced and opened his eyes in a squint to find a face pressed against his torso and blue eyes peeking up at him from under a blanket. The face lifted and the blanket slid down to John's shoulders as he sat up.

"You just been watching me sleep?" Bro's mouth was still dry from sleep and his voice cracked a little as he spoke. John averted his gaze but didn't deny it. "That's pretty creepy, kid."

"Shut up," John mumbled, crawling off of Bro to sit beside him. "I have to meet Dave soon." He stayed there, unmoving, watching Bro.

"What?" Bro asked.

John raised his eyebrows and jutted his head forward slightly. "Aren't you coming?"

Bro gave him a critical stare. "Are you serious?"

"Yes!"

"Why the hell would I tag along on your platonic-date with my bro?"

John pouted down at him. "What else are you gonna do?"

"I don't know, maybe hang out with the two people here who are actually my age."

"Oh. Right. Jake and Jane." His face contorted with disappointment.

_He is going to kill me with his expressions._

"John." Bro took John's hand in his, rubbing back and forth with the pad of his thumb. "Go hang with Dave. I'll see you later."

John glared down at him. "Fine." He pressed a quick kiss against Bro's lips before crawling out of bed.

As soon as John left, he rolled over and fell back to sleep.

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At a more reasonable hour, some time in the early afternoon, Bro wandered into the kitchen to find Jane -- who gave him a smile and a wave -- giving baking lessons to Rose and -- what was this one's name? The grumpy one with the over-sized sweater. Something like...Caravan? Cavort? Cavier? Whatever his name was, he was whisking furiously, the contents of his bowl splattering across the countertop, his brow furrowed and lips pursed.

"No, no,"Jane said, taking the instrument from Canard. "Like this."

Jane held the bowl down with one hand and demonstrated the proper whisking technique. Rose seemed to be an expert at it already, delicately measuring ingredients and whisking powerfully enough to get the job done yet gentle enough to avoid a mess. She gave Bro a smile, but he wasn't sure if it was meant to make him feel apprehensive or at ease. Every expression that girl wore seemed to hide some deadly secret behind it, and he couldn't help but admire the seventeen-year-old for it. He was confident that if she wanted to bring someone down, she could do it easily with a quip of the lips. She was definitely someone you wanted on your side.

Tucking her bowl against her waist, she stepped in front of Bro, the sly smile still in place. "Good afternoon, Broderick. Did you sleep well?"

That was another thing he liked about her: _she called him Broderick._ She was a smart girl, far too cunning to actually _believe_ that "Bro" was short for "Broderick". Nonetheless, she played along. He muttered something in reply, and her eyebrows twitched.

Rose leaned in closer to Bro, her eyes shifting as if to check no one else was in hearing range before settling in place, locking with Bro's. "Yesterday at the reception, I had a chat with John. Did he mention it to you?"

Bro shook his head. "Can't say he did, Lalonde."

Her lips were taut, suppressing a grin as she nodded once. She lowered her voice. "I'm sure you've noticed that your bedroom is at the end of the hall, almost secluded from the rest of the house; but it's not entirely separate. It does share a wall with another spare room -- the room that Kanaya is using, actually. Naturally, I have spent some time there since she's arrived..."

"No offense, but I don't really need to hear the details on what you and your girlfriend do in your spare time."

"Of course not," Rose said, shaking her head lightly, "nor did I need to hear what my new step-brother sounds like while climaxing, _Dirk_."

Bro choked on the air he had just taken in, and Rose's smile only widened as she leaned back to appraise Bro's reaction.

_Fuck._

He regained his composure as Jane came up to him, asking him if he was ok, did he need a drink of water. He shook his head and caught Rose's eye again. They gleamed and his stomach churned. She was going to destroy him with this. She was going to bring him down for fooling around with one of her best friends. Or was she? He couldn't tell _at all_ what she was thinking; her maniacal expression gave nothing away. 

He mumbled a blur of sounds and hoped that they came out as a believable excuse for why he nearly ran out of the room.

\----------------------------------------------------------------

He found John in the living room with Dave and Terezi, the three of them bundling up to prepare to go outside. John's expression warmed as soon as he saw him, and Bro's instinct was to smile back, the warmth in his gut told him to reach out and brush John's cheek, but instead he gave John a stern look.

"Could I talk to you for a minute?"

John opened his mouth to answer, but Dave responded before he could.

"Actually, we were just about to go for a walk."

He could hear the jealousy and annoyance in Dave's voice and at first, he wondered what the hell he had done to earn it and then realized -- _he was interrupting their bro-time_. His sibling instincts told him to snatch John's attention and taunt Dave with it, but he needed to stay focused. There was Serious Business to be discussed.

"Why don't you come with us, Bro?" John tugged at the hem of his sleeve lightly, and Bro was torn between wishing he hadn't because it garnished a twitch of the eyebrow from Dave and being glad he had because it obviously irked Dave, and then he realized that it irked Dave because _it was totally weird for a 16-year-old to be this comfortable with a 37-year old porn producer_ so he rocked back on his heels, inching backwards to put a safe amount of distance between them.

"I don't want to interrupt your man-date."

"No, it's fine! Right, Dave?" John turned his head, and Dave grumbled something incoherent. Bro could practically hear his eyes rolling behind those aviators. "See," John said, turning back to Bro, "it's totally cool!"

His eyes shifted towards Dave, but he had already grabbed Terezi's hand and was pulling her towards the door. John tugged on Bro's sleeve again and he gave in, grabbing his coat and heading out the door.

He followed the group into the small woods at the side of the house. They passed the greenhouse, which he noticed Jake, Jade, and Rose's girlfriend were inside of. When he paused to look inside, John tugged at his jacket impatiently, telling him that Dave and Terezi were waiting. They caught up with the couple at the beginning of a path, which they followed into the woods.

Bro spent the majority of their walk torn between feeling like he was a fourth wheel and feeling like he was on an incredibly awkward double-date. When John and Terezi weren't ganging up on Dave, Dave was either flirting with Terezi or trying to spook John with a made-up ghost story. When he arrived at the climax of his story, Terezi swooped in behind him to shove a snowball down the back of his jacket. He chased after her as she ran, screaming and giggling, off of the path and into the trees. Bro opened his mouth to say something a guardian was supposed to say, like "stick to the path" or "don't get lost", but instead he just shrugged and let it go.

As soon as they were out of sight, he felt a cold hand slide against his gloved palm. He turned to John and recognized the look he wore immediately. No, no, he wasn't going to let this happen right now, he had shit to take care of. There was Serious Business to attend to. His grip tightened on John's hand and he saw John's expression change with excitement but _no I am not going to be distracted_ so he tugged John along, heading in the opposite direction Dave and TZ had gone in, and stopped in a thick patch of trees. He pulled John in front of him, settling against a tree. John grinned, leaning forward and hooking his fingers into the belt loop of Bro's jeans but Bro shoved him away lightly and John rolled back on his feet, a pout forming on his face.

"John, we need to talk."

"Oh." Ah, yes, there was the complete pout.

"Yesterday, did Rose say anything to you about the two of us?"

" _Oh._ " His fingers had left Bro's jeans and he had taken a full step back. He was fidgeting back and forth between feet, worrying at his lip and ignoring Bro's gaze.

"John? What did she say?"

John rolled his shoulders and huffed. "I didn't tell her anything, ok? She just...knew, somehow. She's _Rose_ ; Rose just notices stuff like that."

Bro pressed two fingers against the bridge of his nose, squeezing his eyes shut. "Notices _what_ stuff?"

"I don't know. " John threw his hands in the air. "She just said that she noticed I was acting _different_ and I was like, 'ok, yeah, I have a crush on Bro,' but then she was like ' _I know it's not one-sided, John! I know that supply closet didn't just kick you out and slam the door behind you of it's own accord, John!_ ' Which, by the way, was totally your fault that she noticed that -- "

Bro slapped away the finger that was jutting at him. "If she realized..."

John shook his head, waving his hands in front of him. "No, Bro, it's fine! She only noticed 'cause she's Rose, y'know? She's like, crazy observant in this totally sleuth-y way, and she's obsessed with knowing people's personal business without being straight forward about it and just asking. But it's fine, it's totally fine. She promised me she wouldn't tell anyone, she just wanted to tease me about it, I think. But she's the only one who knows."

"Are you positive she's the only one?"

" _Yes_ \-- oh, wait. Jade might know. I sort of, um, told her? Don't look at me like that! It was right after we kissed the second time and you said all that stuff and I was really confused about how I felt. I needed someone to talk to, and you were being a total butt. So I told her that I thought I might _like_ like you, and then I told her that the Kevin Spacey marathon wasn't actually a Kevin Spacey marathon -- yeah, I probably shouldn't have told her that much and yeah, maybe I was bragging a little bit but...Ugh, stop looking at me like that! I told her about how you rejected me later, and at New Year's we made a pact to stop crushing on lame Strider douchebags. She's probably been too preoccupied with Karkat -- " oh, right, that was his name " -- since then to realize that I haven't exactly kept up my end of the bargain."

"John..."

"Oh, uh, and then there's Dave, but as far as he knows, I'm just some naïve kid who has a crush on an older guy they don't have a chance with. I think he's mostly just jealous because he thinks I'd rather spend time with you than him, which isn't _exactly_ true..."

Bro put a hand up in front of him to separate the two of them because he had a feeling that after he spoke, John would latch onto him. "For now, let's set aside the fact that you are a _complete and utter dumbass_ for telling Jade about _Kevin Spacey_ , and focus on the fact that Rose, through her own wits, discovered that we've been...seeing each other. John, there's a reason she found out, and if she discovered it so easily, there's no telling who will realize it next. You know what could happen if we were found out, right? What could happen to _me_?"

"I know," John said, his voice quiet and eyes cast down.

"So maybe we could try to be a little less conspicuous? Maybe you could try to be a little less obvious that you have a huge boner for me?"

"I can't help it," John mumbled, reaching for Bro's belt loops. John acknowledged the hand pressing against his chest by pressing his own hand against it and pulling them both down to rest at Bro's side, hitting the tree behind him. "Maybe you're the one who's too obvious. You're the one who gave me half a blowjob at my dad's wedding yesterday, remember?"

"Ok, maybe we both need to work on being less obvious."

John leaned forward, his chest pushed against Bro's as his index finger simultaneously pulled Bro's hips forward. "What about now?" He rolled his nose against Bro's jaw. "We're all alone."

"Except for Dave and Terezi."

"They ran off in the opposite direction," John said, nuzzling against Bro's throat.

"They could still -- "

"Dirk, you're really adorable when you're anxious, you know that?"

He opened his mouth to tell John that no, in fact, he was not adorable, he was manly as hell, but John didn't let him speak; instead, he caught Bro's lips with his own, humming when Bro gripped onto his waist. He'd meant to push John away but then John's tongue was there, tracing the curve of his bottom lip, and he found himself tugging the brat closer.

John was getting far too good at manipulating him with his mouth.

\----------------------------------------------------------------

Bro wasn't sure how to feel about John's behavior over the next few days. He kept telling the kid that they needed to cool off and give each other space before anyone else caught on, but that just seemed to make John even more clingy and possessive. After the newlyweds arrived home, John used the excitement as a distraction and dragged Bro into an empty hallway. He would swipe John's hand away as it grabbed at his belt buckle but soon enough Bro realized something that should have been obvious to him all along -- when you told John no, that made him want it even more.

And John was very good at pouting.

At first, he was all grabby hands and desperate kisses, but by the second day he had calmed down relatively. He was still clinging onto Bro, but it wasn't sexual contact he was after -- it was all nuzzles when his parents' backs were turned and interlocked fingers swinging beneath the dinner table. And he kept saying little things he liked about Bro -- he guessed this was derived from their conversation in the shower. Mostly insignificant, shallow things, like the way Bro's fringe curled against his forehead, but when John would remark on something like the way Bro's fingers would curl against John's skin and make him shiver as they traced the contours of his chest, or the thrill he felt when he gave Bro a new hickey, John would blush and turn away and tell Bro to shut up when he hadn't made a sound, and Bro couldn't help but pull John towards him and squeeze him tightly.

He wished he had the shame in him to deny that he was loving the attention, wished he had the self-restraint to push the kid away and go back to his own room, but it felt too good to deny himself. Hedonism was in his core. He wasn't concerned about the age difference anymore, didn't even mind that this kid was best friends with Dave; what did concern him was John's hesitation to put a label on their relationship.

Bro was a cool guy. He was open-minded. He had been around the block and back. He knew that there were a million different types of relationships and had been in at least half of them, but he had known what type of relationship each one was. He knew what to expect from the other person, and they knew what to expect from him. It wasn't that he _expected_ anything from John, because, after all, John was still a child in many ways, but he _wanted_ to be able to expect things. He wanted John all to himself, and John's behavior only encouraged his clingy and possessive thoughts, but every time he would breach the subject of definitions regarding their relationship, John would get all fidget-y and lip bite-y and "um" and "ah" and say "it's just so weird!" which Bro was already perfectly aware of, thank you, John, and John would pout until Bro gave up.

On day three, John questioned him. It wasn't an interrogation, per se, but the persistence and volume of questions throughout the day made it feel like one. They ranged from trivial ("Bro, what's your favorite color?"), to asinine ("Who do you think would win in a fight between Lobo and Torgo?"), to personal-and-a-little-too-specific ("Did you ever...like... _date_ Jane, or whatever?"). The last question was answered with a wink and a hair ruffle, to which John frowned and furrowed his brow.

That night, John reverted back to grabby kisses and desperate hands as they laid in his bed (Bro refused John admittance into his room ever since the comment from Rose). John didn't let him get a wink of sleep, but Bro wasn't complaining.

It was a tearful, hug-filled good-bye at the airport the next morning. Bro kissed Jane and Jake both good-bye and ignored the look John wore as he did so. He gave Roxy a kiss on the forehead and she gave him a wink. He held his hand out to Dad Egbert, but Egbert ignored the hand and pulled him into a bear hug instead.

After John and Dave had exchanged an embrace and a complicated set of hand gestures, John turned to Bro, holding out a slip of paper. Bro stared down at it, one eyebrow raised, and John thrust the paper forward again impatiently. Bro took the paper and mulled over the handwriting before speaking.

"Ghosty trickster?"

John mumbled something as he kicked his foot against the ground. Bro made out the word "pesterchum" and looked back down. Beneath "ghostyTrickster", a 10-digit number was scrawled in blue ink.

"A pesterchum handle and phone number?"

"We're gonna talk all the time, ok?" Bro looked up to see John's eyebrows were drawn up in a stern expression. "Like, every day. And we'll watch terrible movies together over Skype and argue about Nic Cage's brilliance and you'll finally tell me what extra precautions Mom took against your lack of cleanliness."

Bro's arms extended of their own volition and John was jumping into the hug before Bro realized his hands had moved from his sides. His arms squeezed tightly around John's waist, holding him in place, his feet dangling just above the ground, as Bro took a step back to steady himself from the impact. John's arms were around Bro's neck, his face nuzzling against Bro's shoulder.

"I'm gonna miss you the most," John whispered, his words muffled by the fabric of Bro's shirt.

Bro squeezed tighter, not caring that this was far too intimate of an embrace for them to be having so publicly, in front of John's parents and his bro; all he cared about was that, although John was hesitant to commit to a label, he wanted Bro. He wanted Bro as much as Bro wanted him, and in that moment, that was enough.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> obviously [lobo](http://media.tumblr.com/tumblr_lxzgbixBlP1qlpcti.gif) would win i mean c'mon john just fuckin' look at [torgo](http://www.bloodygoodhorror.com/bgh/files/reviews/caps/torgo.jpg) anyone could take that on
> 
> and i just realized that jake is the only character who hasn't had a single line in this fic so far. oops.


	21. Three Months

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Three months is a long time to be apart from the guy you're sort of in something that might resemble a relationship with.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> the time between updates is growing and i've p much lost where i was originally going with this story but oh well who cares about plot
> 
> school starts next week so i apologize in advance for lack of updates!

\-- ghostyTrickster [GT] began pestering timaeusTestified [TT]\--

GT: broooooooo.  
GT: bbbbbbbbrrrrrrrroooooooo!!!!!!!!  
GT: dude.  
GT: seriously?  
GT: you added me three days ago and i haven't heard a peep from you since.  
GT: ugh.  
GT: whatever, lameder.  
TT: What did you just call me?  
GT: FINALLY!  
GT: where have you been?  
TT: No, forget that.  
TT: What did you just call me?  
TT: "Lameder"?  
TT: What kind of insult is that?  
GT: like how you and dave always call me lamebert!  
TT: Yeah, I got that, Lamebert.  
TT: Wait, Dave calls you that?  
GT: yeah, duh.  
TT: Oh.  
TT: Maybe I won't use it anymore then.  
GT: ...why?  
TT: Because.  
TT: I can't be using the same insults as my bro.  
GT: WHY?  
GT: wait, forget i asked. i don't care.  
GT: instead, let's go back to my original question.  
GT: WHERE THE HELL HAVE YOU BEEN???  
TT: Around.  
GT: really?  
GT: that's all you're gonna give me?  
GT: "around"?  
TT: I've been busy, kid.  
TT: I run my own business. I was absent from said business for a month. A lot of shit piled up while I was away. Can't help it.  
GT: ok...  
GT: i thought maybe something was wrong and you were ignoring me.  
GT: you always avoid me when something's wrong!  
TT: Do not.  
GT: do too!  
TT: Do not.  
GT: DO TOO!  
TT: Well, I'm here now. So what the hell do you want?  
GT: i just wanted to talk to you! sorry, is it really that much of a hassle to chat with me?  
TT: ...No.  
TT: Uh.  
TT: Sorry.  
TT: If you hadn't noticed, I have the tendency to get a little...defensive.  
TT: It's a thing.  
TT: A thing we have in common.  
TT: Amongst the many beautiful things we share.  
GT: i'm not defensive.  
TT: My bad.  
GT: i just...  
GT: miss you.  
GT: or whatever.  
GT: don't start avoiding me, ok?  
GT: i hate it when you do that.  
GT: .....  
GT: dirk?  
GT: are you still there?  
TT: I miss you too, Lamebert.  
TT: ...Wait.  
TT: Damn it.  
GT: hah!  
TT: It's like a disease. I just can't keep it inside.  
GT: whatever, lameder!  
TT: No.  
TT: Egbert, no.  
TT: "Lameder" is not a thing.  
GT: it is if i make it a thing!  
TT: Egbert, don't test me.  
GT: ooooooh, i'm so scared.  
GT: what are you gonna do from all the way over in texas?  
GT: face it, lameder, there's nothing you can do about your sweet new nickname!

\-- timaeusTestified [TT] blocked ghostyTrickster [GT] \--

GT: hey!  
GT: you jackass!

\-- timaeusTestified [TT] unblocked ghostyTrickster [GT] \--

\-- timaeusTestified [TT] began pestering ghostyTrickster [GT] \--

TT: You snitch.  
TT: I can't believe you ratted me out to Dave like that.  
GT: i can't believe you blocked me because i called you a name!  
TT: John, cyberbullying is a serious issue.  
GT: whatever, dude.  
TT: Tattletale.  
GT: baby.  
TT: Rat.  
GT: you're the one who can't handle some light-hearted taunting.  
TT: I don't have a problem with accepting a witty jab or two. My Broheim's Gambit can handle that.  
TT: However, that was anything but witty.  
TT: I am insulted that someone would use such a weak insult on me.  
TT: That was pathetic, Egbert, and I am ashamed to have ever had your tongue in my mouth.  
GT: so lameder makes me a neanderthal but lamebert is the intellectual man's insult?  
GT: because that makes sooooo much sense.  
TT: Doesn't need to make sense. It is stone-cold fact.  
GT: ok, whatever you say...  
TT: ...Don't.  
GT: LAMEDER!  
GT: hehehehehehehehe!  
TT: I just let out the heaviest sigh that was ever sighed.  
TT: Anyway.  
TT: There is actually a ton of work I have to take care of, so...  
TT: I should probably go.  
GT: oh...  
GT: ok then. but hurry up!  
GT: i'm so BORED.  
TT: Don't you have school or something?  
GT: i'm home-schooled and dad has pretty much post-poned all lessons until after we've gotten settled at Rose's house.  
GT: we haven't even found a tutor yet so i don't have to worry about school for a while.  
TT: Huh. Didn't know you were home-schooled.  
GT: yup!  
GT: i even take piano lessons.  
TT: Seriously?  
TT: You'll have to play for me some time.  
GT: uh...ok!  
GT: but i'm not that good.  
TT: I'm sure you're great, kid.  
TT: But I really gotta go now.  
TT: I promise I'll hurry up with these orders and get back to you as soon as I'm done.  
TT: We'll have a Skype date once I've finished. Sound good?  
GT: yeah! that sounds great!  
GT: i can't wait to see your face.  
GT: i really, really miss you, bro.  
TT: I can't blame you. What's not to miss?  
GT: bro!  
TT: Talk to you later.  
GT: *sighs*  
GT: ok! bye!  
TT: Bye.

\-- timaeusTestified [TT] ceased pestering ghostyTrickster [GT] \--

\----------------------------------------------------------------

John threw a handful of popcorn at his mouth. All but one kernel missed it's destination. He was too busy watching the screen of his Crosbytop, sat beside him on the couch with a bowl of popcorn tucked in front of it, out of the corner of his eye to aim properly. Bro Strider's image took up the screen, staring forward at the TV in front of them.

"Egbert, are you even watching the movie?"

"Yeah, of course I am!" John answered, his eyes darting back towards the TV. After a few moments, he stole a glance back at the computer screen. Having removed his glasses at John's request, the incredulous glare Bro was giving John was clear.

"Watching this movie was your idea, you know."

"I know!" John slumped back in his seat. "I guess I'd rather watch you than the movie."

"Creepy as ever, kid."

"It's not creepy! I just...like looking at your face."

"Mmhmm."

"Hey, Dirk," John lifted the Crosbytop into his lap, looking down at Bro. "Um...how much time do you have before Dave gets home?"

Bro gave him a suspicious look. "Why?"

"I was wondering if maybe you'd wanna..." John could feel the tint spread across his cheeks. The fact that he felt any embarrassment about what he was about to say only made him feel more embarrassed and caused his blush to grow rapidly. His nerves caused the rest of his question to come out sounding like one word. "Do you want to watch each other jerk off or something?"

He couldn't read the look Bro gave him, and for a few moments he was sure Bro was going to tell him to stop being such a horny teenager but then he broke out in a laugh, and John could only stare down at him, smiling despite himself.

"You're full of surprises, y'know that, Egbert?"

"Well? Do you?"

"You've got 45 minutes," Bro answered before pulling his gloves off with his teeth.

John jumped up so quickly he knocked both bowls of popcorn into the air. He ignored them and ran straight to his bedroom, a low laugh coming from his computer the entire way there.

\----------------------------------------------------------------

"You _dated_ him?!"

Mom was looking through the grapes as John stared at her, his mouth ajar. She picked a bunch then looked back up at John, popping one in her mouth. "No, of course not, honey."

John hid his face behind his hands. "Oh thank god. That would be so weird if you had actually dated Bro -- "

"I just took his v-card."

John's jaw dropped along with his hands.

"Don't get your panties in a knot, Johnny," she said, biting another grape in half. "It was a long time ago." Mom frowned as John's expression remained the same. She picked another grape from the bunch and chucked it at John's mouth. He bent over, coughing, and she gave him a light pat on the back. A clerk gave them a look and she turned to move forward through the produce. John soon followed, walking quickly to catch up.

"I can't believe you...and Bro!" John shuddered. He had been gathering intel about Bro from Mom for seven weeks now, but he had never expected to get such intimate details. "Did you really take each other's," John lowered his voice to a whisper, " _virginity_?"

Mom quirked an eyebrow and gave him her sassiest expression. "Bro Strider most certainly did not pop my cherry. I taught that boy everything he knows." Another clerk eyed Mom as she peeled a banana and took a bite of it in the middle of the produce section, so the two of them turned down an aisle marked "canned goods".

"I can't believe you...and Bro..." His face was stuck in a grimace. Bro had lost his virginity...to a woman? Did that mean that he preferred women? Or was everyone supposed to lose their virginity to someone of the opposite sex? Was John supposed to have slept with a woman before he had given it up to Bro? Had he given it up? Was he still a virgin? Did Bro think he was a virgin? Did Bro wish he could have sex with only women? Did he wish John was a woman?

"Sweetie?" Mom tucked a finger under John's chin, lifting his face up towards hers. "You ok? You look a little pale."

John nodded. "Yeah, it's just...weird."

"It was a long time ago, Johnny. It's not like we were in love. Besides, I'm all about Papa Egbert now." She pulled her hand away and winked.

"I know you and Dad are totally soulmates," John said, rolling his eyes. "I'm not worried about Bro coming between the two of you."

"I never said that's what you were worried about," Mom said quietly. John furrowed his brow in question but she turned to the wall of cans behind her. "What was it we came here for again?"

"I don't know, you just asked me if I wanted to go for a drive," John answered.

Mom glanced over her shoulder. "Oh well." She pulled a few cans of tomato puree off the shelf and tossed them into the cart. "Ready to go?"

"Sure."

She turned the cart around and paused, looking towards John. "Probably shouldn't tell Dad that I told you that stuff about me and Dirky."

"Oh, no," John said, shaking his head, "of course not."

"Great!" Mom nodded once then headed towards the check-out lane.

\----------------------------------------------------------------

John sat on the couch upside down, his head dangling off the seat and legs propped up against the back. Rose sat in an armchair across from him, reading a book Kanaya had sent her.

His fingers typed out a message on the phone pressed against his nose.

_'dirk, i miss you.'_

He re-read the message then erased it, sighing.

Rose hummed over her book. "Something wrong, step-brother?"

John looked up at her. She was smiling down at him. "I haven't talked to Bro in a while..." His fingers tapped agaisnt the screen.

_'what's up, bro?'_

He deleted the message.

"Hmm." Rose closed her book and set it aside. "Go on."

"That's it," John said, opening a blank message screen. "I haven't talked to him in a while and it...sucks."

"Why haven't you talked to him?"

 _He's avoiding me, as usual._ "I don't know, he's busy, I guess."

_'hey, bro! we haven't talked in a while._

"A while" was an understatement. They'd had one Skype call since he found out about Bro's history with Mom. That was nearly three weeks ago. The knowledge he gained from Mom had made him so uncomfortable that he was sure Bro could tell something was wrong during their chat, but he was too anxious to say what it was. Surely there must be a reason Bro hadn't told John himself? But what reason could there be? Maybe he was embarrassed? Maybe he didn't trust John? Maybe he didn't want John to know that he preferred women?

His fingertips moved across the keypad to add _'when are we going to have another skype date?'_

Regret filled his stomach the moment he hit send.

"John." Rose had moved to sit beside him now, her arm resting against the back of the couch. "You know you can tell me if something happened."

"I know, Rose." He set his phone down on his chest. "If there was something I wanted to talk to you about, I would talk to you about it, ok?"

"Well then," Rose let out a deep breath, "maybe you could listen to me for a change?"

John lifted his head, propping himself up on his shoulders. "Really? You want to talk to me about something?"

She nodded. "Actually, I wanted a favor."

John dropped back against the couch. "Oh."

Rose pressed a hand against John's shoulder. "It would mean a lot to me if you did this favor, John. Please?"

He eyed Rose, who was doing a very good impression of his trademark pout. "What's the favor?"

She folded her hands neatly in her lap, smiling down at John. "Kanaya's family has invited me to join them during spring break. The two weeks where we would be staying at the Striders' home, actually."

"And you want me to help you convince our parents to let you go?"

"Precisely."

The phone resting atop John's chest buzzed and John grabbed at it, the "new text" logo flashing brightly across the screen. John's fingers fumbled to open the message.

_'Hey, kid. Sorry about the lack of contact. It got kind of crazy busy here. I don't think I can do a Skype date any time soon either.'_

John's heart was racing as he typed out a reply.

_'that's ok, i understand. i've been kind of busy too, catching up on school. i miss talking to you, though. at least get on pesterchum some time!'_

"John?"

His eyes shot up, remembering the favor Rose had asked about. If she went on spring break with Kanaya's family, that would mean that John would go to Texas alone. Dave would probably spend most of his time with Terezi, which meant that he would be alone with...

A new text from Bro flashed across his screen.

_'I'll be on soon. Promise.'_

"Yes!" John rolled over and jumped into a sitting position beside Rose. "Yes, whatever you need! I'll help! You should totally go on spring break with Kanaya!"

"Thank you, John," Rose said with a grin. "Now let me show you the powerpoint I'm working on."

John groaned.

\----------------------------------------------------------------

\-- ghostyTrickster [GT] began pestering timaeusTestified [TT]\--

GT: dirk!!!  
GT: tomorrow!!!  
GT: i leave tomorrow!!!  
GT: i'm so excited!!!  
GT: i'm really excited!!!  
GT: and of course you're unresponsive!!!  
GT: because that's just the way you are i guess!!!  
GT: ok enough with the exclamation marks in triplicate.  
GT: i can't believe you, dude.  
GT: we should be partying like we just busted every ghost in new york city!  
GT: if you're not gonna respond to peoples' messages, you should at least change your status from "bully".  
TT: I like "bully".  
GT: there he is, miss texas.  
GT: there he is, your ideal.  
TT: Thank you for the introduction.  
TT: Yes, here I am.  
TT: The reigning Miss Texas.  
TT: How can Miss Texas help you today?  
GT: hey miss texas, bro is a jerk. can you fix that for me?  
TT: Hmm.  
TT: Miss Texas does not believe that's in Miss Texas's power.  
TT: Bro Strider's douche-levels exceed the capabilites of the reigning Miss Texas.  
TT: Can Miss Texas offer you a lifetime supply of 10-gallon cowboy hats instead?  
GT: does miss texas really have to speak in third person all the time?  
TT: Miss Texas is afraid so.  
GT: ok, weirdo.  
GT: miss texas took so long to respond that i have to leave! i have to finish packing some stuff.  
TT: Miss Texas is sorry to hear that.  
TT: To hear that you have to leave, that is. Miss Texas is not sorry to hear that you will be in her home state soon.  
GT: i'll be happy to see miss texas too.  
GT: ok i really have to go now! dad is yelling at me!  
TT: Miss Texas says good-bye.  
GT: bye, miss texas!  
GT: i mean!  
GT: bye, dirk!  
GT: see you soon!

\-- ghostyTrickster [GT] ceased pestering timaeusTestified [TT]\--


	22. Three Months, part deux

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Smothered in gravy, Texas Style.
> 
> Bro's POV woohoo.

\-- turntechGodhead [TG] began pestering timaeusTestified [TT]

TG: why the fuck am i being dragged into your little spat with john   
TG: why is this a thing that is happening   
TT: Why are you Pestering me when we are literally ten feet away from each other?   
TG: because of reasons obviously   
TG: john wants me to tell you to unblock him but id rather you didnt   
TG: id rather know why the two of you are spending so much time chatting each other up   
TG: are you talking about me is that what this is   
TG: is it a surprise for me   
TG: a surprise involving apple juice   
TG: please say yes   
TG: i love aj   
TT: Why do you care if John and I talk?   
TG: because you're my literal bro and he's my figurative bro   
TG: only bad things can happen when the two mix   
TT: I don't think that's it.   
TT: I reckon you're jealous.   
TG: i reckon you can fuck off because im not jealous   
TG: whats there to be jealous of   
TG: just because hes got a little crush on you   
TG: like i care   
TG: im just worried about my best bro is all   
TG: you're a terrible influence its a miracle you didnt screw me up   
TT: Sounds like you're jealous to me.   
TG: jealousy aint got nothing to do with it   
TG: so wipe that smirk off your face   
TG: all im feeling is concern   
TT: Maybe you should try blocking him. You know, playing hard to get.   
TG: ok im done with this conversation   
TG: go unblock john or dont i dont care just don't get all weird on him

\-- turntechGodhead [TG] ceased pestering timaeusTestified [TT]

\----------------------------------------------------------------

Bro was watching his computer monitor, watching John move across the screen, his fingers gliding gently against the keys of the Lalonde's piano.

_Fuck, this kid can play._

He was enjoying watching John's expression as much as listening to the music. The way his teeth jutted in to bite at the inside of his lip and how his eyebrows narrowed in concentration -- was it concentration, or were they angled to match the mood of the song?

When John's fingers finally halted, when he looked up after the last measure had finished, it was almost as if he had forgotten he wasn't alone. It was almost as if Bro's image on the monitor had spooked him.

"Um." He looked up at the Crosbytop, which sat atop the piano. "So? What'd you think?"

"Damn, Egbert. You have finally revealed your true identity: Johann Sebastian Bach. And all this time I thought you were _Boku No Pico_."

"Ew!" John jerked back. "I am _not_ Pico!"

Bro lowered his shades to eye John. "If the speedo fits."

John scowled. "As if I'd wear a speedo."

"For real though? You could totally rock a speedo."

"I'm not gonna wear a speedo!" John stayed scowling at him for a few moments, but eventually his face softened and he looked up at Bro. "Did you like it?"

Bro leaned forward. He pulled off his shades, causing John's cheeks to darken slightly. "I loved it, John. You are incredible."

John's buck tooth jutted out in a goofy grin. "Thanks, Dirk!"

Bro leaned to the side, propping his elbow against the desk and resting his chin against the knuckle of his index finger. "You've got some deft fingers there, John. Makes me wonder what other maneuvers those fingers could perform."

John's eyebrows climbed to where his forehead met scalp. "Um, Bro..."

Bro chuckled. "We've been Skyping for what, 50 minutes already? And your clothes are still on. I think that must be a record."

" _Dirk_ \--"

Bro unfastened his belt buckle and began tugging at the leather. "I got plenty of time 'til Dave gets back if you want to -- "

"Bro!" John lurched forward, waving his hands at the screen. "Stop!"

Bro froze in place at John's command. John was always eager to do anything slightly sexual, so the fact that he had asked Bro to stop was surprising, and a little worrying. The panic rapidly spreading across John's face did little to alleviate Bro's worry.

Then Rose Lalonde's face popped into frame beside John's.

"Why, hello there, Broderick."

Bro groaned internally. His hands left his belt to settle agaisnt the desk he sat at. "Howdy, Rose. How're you this evening?"

"Oh, Mr. Strider." Rose pressed a hand to her cheek. "Your southern charm is refreshing, as always." Her eyes wandered downward, her eyebrows shooting up slightly. "Are you having an issue with your belt buckle? It seems to have come unfastened."

"That's just the style here in Houston."

"Is it now?"

Bro nodded once. Everything about this girl was unsettling, especially the fact that he still had no idea if she wanted to crush him or not.

"I should probably go now," John said. "Rose just got home..."

"I noticed," Bro replied.

John shoved Rose out of the shot and Bro caught a glimpse of a half-formed pout to rival John's before she was gone. "I'll talk to you later though, right?"

"Course you will," Bro said. "Before you go, would you do me a favor?" John nodded, smiling brightly at him. "Send me some mp3s of you playing -- make sure it's something you wrote."

A blush crept over John's cheeks as he nodded again before waving good-bye and signing off.

_Those Lalondes were always exceptional cock-blocks._

Moments after their Skype chat had ended, there was a ping from Pesterchum to notify him of a new file transfer. He smiled to himself as the files finished transferring and he opened up a mixing program.

He had just thought of a great birthday present.

\----------------------------------------------------------------

\-- timaeusTestified [TT] began pestering ghostyTrickster [GT] \--

TT: John Egbert. Do you realize what time it is?   
TT: It's around 3am your time, isn't it? Shouldn't you be snuggled up with that gross bunny Dave gave you, dreaming up plots for terrible yet hilarious Nic Cage/Kevin Spacey buddy cop movies?   
GT: hi, bro!   
GT: i couldn't sleep.   
GT: it's like 5am in houston, isn't it? why are you up so early?   
TT: I am not "up so early". I just got home from a gig. Cal and I blew the roof off of that joint.   
GT: i'm glad to hear it went well! even if lil cal is super creepy.   
TT: Hey now, don't be dissin' my main man, Cal. He has feelings inside that plush little body of his.   
TT: Somewhere deep in there.   
TT: I'm sure there's some sort of emotion.   
TT: I hope so, at least.   
GT: whatever you say, broderick.   
GT: i had such a weird dream though! it weirded me out too much to go back to sleep.   
TT: Holy shit.   
TT: Did you literally dream up a terrible Nic Cage/Kevin Spacey buddy cop movie?   
GT: you're soooo funny, bro.   
GT: sooooo hilarious. but no, that is not what i dreamed of.   
GT: i had a dream that you and i were baking a cake but we were naked which was pretty hot but also incredibly ill-advised when dealing with cake batter and ovens.   
TT: I like where this is going.   
GT: and then my dad walked in!   
TT: Not where I was expecting that to go.   
GT: and he was naked too!   
TT: Now I'm concerned.    
GT: except i don't know what his junk looks like and i don't WANNA know what his junk looks like, so it was that everything-is-really-blurry-so-you-can't-actually-make-out-any-discernible-shapes-or-colors-but-you-just-KNOW-what's-there kind of thing that always happens in dreams.   
GT: do you know what i mean?   
TT: ...Yes, yes, I do.   
TT: But John...   
TT: Why was your father there? Do you have a daddy kink you'd like to share with me?   
GT: ew, no!   
GT: i mean...   
GT: if you wanted me to call you daddy, like, i guess i'd be ok with that...   
TT: Let's put a pin in that discussion and save it for the next time we are physically in each other's company.   
TT: Please, continue with this dream.   
TT: And please say it ends with a Bro-Dad-John ménage à trois.   
GT: BRO!   
TT: Kidding, Egbert.   
GT: good!   
TT: Your dad's hot, though.   
GT: oh my god.   
TT: Just keepin' it real.   
GT: well...he's taken!   
GT: and so are you!   
GT: um.....   
GT: ANYWAY.   
GT: then my nanna came in and she wasn't naked, thankfully...   
GT: and we were all just baking together and...that was pretty much it.   
TT: That's not that weird.   
GT: maybe not to you, mr. smuppet-porn.   
TT: I might have a skewed sense of what is and isn't odd, but in all fairness, that dream doesn't seem odd enough to perturb someone as perverted as you.   
GT: i'm not perverted!   
TT: Ok, Mr. Bite-Me-Harder-and-Let's-Watch-Each-Other-Jerk-Off-On-Camera.   
GT: .....   
GT: ok, so maybe it didn't weird me out as much as i initially let on.   
GT: maybe i just had a kind of strange dream and woke up in the middle of the night thinking of you and came on pesterchum to see if you were here.   
TT: Why, Egbert.   
TT: I am touched.   
GT: do you really think i'm a pervert?   
TT: John, I think you are the perfect amount of perverse.   
GT: so i am a pervert.   
TT: Everyone's got their kinks. You're just surprisingly open about yours.   
TT: That's not a bad thing.   
TT: It's refreshing, if anything. It keeps me on my toes.   
GT: so...i'm like a good pervert?   
TT: The best pervert.   
GT: ok! as long as i'm the best.   
GT: do you ever have weird dreams?   
GT: or any dreams? at all?   
GT: i can't really imagine you dreaming.   
TT: Of course I have dreams. What am I, a robot?   
GT: i don't know, you could be!   
GT: your hair is certainly inhuman.   
TT: Yes, Egbert, I dream. I have dreamt.   
TT: I had a dream once.   
TT: You were dressed up as Madoka Kaname.   
GT: is THAT why you call me madokabert???   
TT: Actually, I'm not sure.   
TT: I can't remember if the dream influenced the name, or if the name influenced the dream.   
TT: I am certain that one is responsible for the other. I'm just not sure which is to be held accountable.   
GT: ok...   
GT: what about...the other type of dream.   
GT: like, life goals.   
GT: did you ever have those? did you always want to be a smuppetmaster?   
TT: I wanted to be awesome, and I succeeded.   
GT: clearly.   
GT: so awesome.   
GT: your levels of awesome shouldn't even be legal.   
TT: They aren't, technically. But we'll just keep that between the two of us.   
GT: my lips are sealed.   
GT: do you want to know what my dream is?   
TT: Hell yes.   
TT: Is it dorky? I hope it's dorky.   
GT: ok but you have to promise not to make fun of me for it!   
TT: I'll promise, but it will be a lie.   
GT: ok ok fine.   
GT: remember when we had that nic cage marathon?   
TT: You mean the 12-hour foreplay?   
TT: How could I forget?   
GT: yeah, that. we watched the weatherman. do you remember that one?   
TT: Yeah, I think so. The one where Nic Cage abandons his family for some high-class job in the city?   
GT: he doesn't abandon them! he just moves on with his life because that's what you do.   
TT: And he almost shoots his ex-wife's boyfriend in the head with a bow and arrow.   
TT: That was a good Cage flick.   
GT: it was a good cage flick!   
GT: that's what i want to be. that's my dream.   
TT: Your dream is to be a good Cage flick?   
TT: Sorry, John, I don't think that's happening any time soon.   
GT: no! i want to be a weatherman!   
GT: except i want to actually know what i'm talking about. i want to study meteorology!   
TT: That's actually pretty cool, Egbert, no lie.   
TT: It's always good to have ambitions.   
TT: I'd be pretty surprised if you didn't end up head weatherman at Good Morning Apple Valley or wherever it was Nic Cage worked at the end of that movie.   
TT: You're persistent as hell so I know you could do pretty much anything you put your mind to.   
GT: do you really mean that?   
TT: Hell yes I do. If you're as persistent as you are when you want to get at my dick, then you can do it.   
TT: You've got what it takes to make it far.   
GT: um...thanks, dirk! that means a lot to me...   
TT: No problem.   
GT: uh...   
GT: hehehehe.   
TT: ...What?   
GT: nothing!   
GT: um.   
GT: i should probably go try to get some more sleep now.   
GT: i think i could sleep better now that i've talked to you.   
TT: I'm actually pretty beat. I was about ready to hit the sack before you came on.   
GT: you should have said something! i didn't mean to keep you up even longer!   
TT: Chillax, Shotabert.   
TT: It was time well-spent.   
GT: uh, ok.   
GT: good night then!   
TT: Sweet dreams.   
TT: But not the kind that involve freaky Egbertcest, though.   
GT: DIRK!

\-- timaeusTestified [TT] ceased pestering ghostyTrickster [GT] \--

\----------------------------------------------------------------

"John, are you ok?"

The teenage face taking up Bro's monitor squirmed in his seat.

"I'm fine," John replied. He had been acting odd during their entire Skype chat. The looks he was giving Bro suggested he had something to say but he kept _not saying it_ and it was driving Bro insane.

He pulled the shades off of his face. It was a weakness of John's he had begun to take advantage of. "You don't seem fine."

John turned away from the screen, avoiding Bro's gaze. "It's just...I was talking to Mom the other day..."

Bro inclined his head forward. "And?"

John's eyes accidentally met Bro's for a moment and John flinched. "It's nothing. Nevermind."

"Are you sure it's nothing?"

"Dirk, I'm _fine_!" His hands hand flung into the air and he paused before bringing them back down, his face contorting and turning towards the screen. "I know that makes it sound like I'm not fine, but...I actually am fine."

"...Are you _sure_?"

John sighed dramatically, flinging his head back. Although Bro couldn't see his eyes, he was sure John was rolling them.

"Ok, I'll stop asking," Bro said, raising his palms in defeat.

"Good."

They sat in silence for a few moments, Bro staring John down, John avoiding Bro's gaze, before it became too much for John and he spoke.

"I should probably go. Schoolwork, y'know?"

Bro nodded slowly. "Right. Gotta keep those grades up."

"Yeah. Um. Bye."

Then John was gone.

Bro groaned, leaning back in his chair and pressing the palm of his hand into the bridge of his nose. What the hell was up with John? He had never had a problem with speaking his mind before, so why did he have that problem now? Maybe it was because he didn't trust Bro. Maybe...oh no. Maybe he wasn't into Bro anymore?

_Ok, Strider. You knew this was gonna happen. You knew that the kid would get over you eventually. You can handle this. You can deal._

_No you fucking can't what the hell is wrong with you why did you ever fall for a dweeby 16-year old kid you fucking douchebag of course he's not into you anymore you pedophile you are fucking sick._

When had he stood up and when had he balled both of his hands into fists and when had he slammed one of them into a wall? Wow, that kind of stung. He pulled his fist back to examine the fresh wound on his knuckle.

_Ok, cool down, Bro. Get a fucking handle on your shit. He's just one dude. Plenty of other fish in the sea, and all that. It's not like you're in..._

_You're definitely not in..._

_With him..._

_Definitely not..._

His thoughts were interrupted by Dave's bedroom door slamming open.

"What the fuck dude what was that noise did all of the smuppets fall out of the ceiling or something holy shit what happened to your hand did you literally just punch a hole in the wall oh my god Bro are you serious right now?"

Dave was beside him in a flash, grabbing at his hand. Since when had he learned to flash-step? Bro jerked his hand away and Dave narrowed his eyes up at him.

"Give me your hand, asshole."

"Since when do you know anything about first aid?"

"You've given me enough injuries that I've watched you patch back up to know a thing or two about first aid so just give me the hand, dickweed."

"You've got a real nice bedside manner, Dr. Fuck Off."

"It's Dr. Fuck You, actually." Dave reached for Bro's hand again but used a tighter grip this time. Bro didn't protest. "Why the hell did you slam a hole in the wall?"

"Felt like releasing some steam."

"At least you punched a hole through the wall and not me." Dave lifted the hem of his shirt up to wipe the blood away from the cut on Bro's knuckles. "It looks kinda deep. Do you want me to stitch it up?"

"Naw, I can do that." Dave released Bro's hand and Bro brought it up to examine the wound. Dave was right; it'd need stitches.

They were close enough that Dave's eyes were visible from behind his shades. Bro watched as they flicked towards the screen, which still had an open (and empty, thankfully) Skype log between himself and John. 

"Were you pissed at someone you were talking to?"

"What's it matter why I was pissed?" Bro turned the monitor on his desktop off and headed towards the bathroom.

"If you're gonna be tearing down the walls in our home, I'd at least like to know _why_."

"I promise to warn you before I do anymore rennovations," Bro said, crouching down to pull the first aid kit out from under the bathroom sink.

"Fuck, Bro." Dave was in the doorway now, the blood he'd wiped off of Bro's hand staining his white shirt. "Did you...and John...you know."

"Did we _what_?" It had come out louder than he had intended, but maybe that was a good thing. Dave had taken a step back. He waved a hand at Bro before turning around and walking down the hall.

"Nevermind." It was a barely audible mumble, but Bro heard it. His stomach churned with guilt that he tried to ignore.

"Change your fucking shirt." Bro snapped through the open door. He heard a loud "fuck you" in response.

He slammed the bathroom door shut and began to work on his hand.

\----------------------------------------------------------------

_'hey, bro! we haven't talked in a while. when are we going to have another skype date?'_

The message stared up at Bro, blinking and taunting him. He had been doing so well in avoiding John, but now...

His heart was racing and he couldn't make it stop.

What was he supposed to say? Should he reply? Should he ignore the message? His intentions certainly weren't to hurt John's feelings, but if John had grown tired of him, he'd rather not drag this on any longer than necessary.

That's what he wanted to want, at least. That didn't stop him from replying to John's message. But that was just his fingers, moving of their own accord. He couldn't stop them even if he wanted to.

His phone beeped.

_'that's ok, i understand. i've been kind of busy too, catching up on school. i miss talking to you, though. at least get on pesterchum some time!''_

A small -- ok, a _large_ part of him couldn't help but wonder if ignoring John had drawn John to him. Past experience had proved that the more out-of-reach something was to John, the more he wanted it. Was that all this was? If this was just John being childish, then Bro didn't want any part of it.

Again, it was more of a _wanting_ to want kind of thing. The desire did nothing to quell the jolt of excitement he felt when John sent him another text several minutes later.

_'bro! guess what? kanaya's family invited rose to spend spring break with them. and if dave spends most of his time with terezi, which i'm guessing he will, that means we'll have lots of...alone time.'_

_';)'_

And Bro was sucked right back in, smirking despite himself, debating whether or not to reply to John's suggestive texts with a lewd picture. Or five.

It seemed like he would never be free of this brat.

And he was disturbingly ok with that fact.

\----------------------------------------------------------------

Bro was asleep on the futon when Dave kicked him awake, glaring down at him.

"The fuck crawled up your ass?" Bro grunted, rolling away and closing his eyes.

"I told you not to get all weird on John and that is exactly what you did, apparently."

"What?" Bro turned his head back so he could see his younger brother. "I didn't do shit. Egbert and I are cool."

"That's not what John says."

"I don't know what the fuck you're talking about, but if John has a problem with me, he can talk to me about it himself instead of sending his lapdog."

"He's afraid to tell you, you fuckass," Dave said, kicking out at the futon, "because you got weird on him." Dave's leg went out to kick again, but Bro was sitting up in a flash and grabbed onto Dave's leg, pulling out and forcing Dave to fall directly onto his ass.

"What did John say?" Bro asked, leaning down towards Dave, his ankle still in hand.

"He thinks you don't want him to come anymore."

"Why the hell does he think that?"

"You tell me!" Dave jerked his ankle away and Bro let go. He stood up, rubbing at his butt where he fell. "All he said to me was, 'are you sure it's still ok with your bro if I stay for two weeks?' and I said 'fuck that guy you can stay however long you want it's my place too' and John said 'wah wah wah I just want to make sure it's ok because bro was acting weird for a while but he's not weird anymore but he was weird' and that is fucking Egbert code for 'your big bro was actin' like a fucking weirdo capital "w" and I don't know if I can handle that IRL for two weeks' -- "

" _Dave_ , jesus christ, shut the fuck up for two seconds." Dave crossed his arms but obliged. "I didn't talk to him for a while because I was busy --" _more like I was avoiding him because I'm a chicken shit_ "but he probably took it way too personally because he's a sensitive little shit. We're talking now and everything's cool. Tell him he's welcome to come for however long he wants."

"Fuck you, you tell him." Dave's arms were still crossed, he was still glaring down at Bro. "He's gonna be here in a few days, y'know. Think you can keep the weirdness to a minimum, IRL?"

"I'm pretty sure John can handle my weirdness," Bro said, lying back on the futon. "That kid's probably more fucked up than I am, to be honest."

"I can't believe the two of you are even still talking."

"What, you didn't think he could handle my _weirdness_?"

"Just figured one of you'd be sick of the other by now."

A pang of guilt shot through Bro's stomach. The awkwardness of their last Skype conversation came rushing back to him.

"Don't worry, Dave. I'm sure he'll get bored with my weird, old ass soon enough."

"The worst part of this whole fucked up thing is that I know he won't."

Bro turned to look Dave, but the little shit had flash-stepped out of the room. His phone was blinking on the table before him so he snatched it and held it out in front of him. He had left the Pesterchum app running while he napped, and John was pestering him now, reminding him of how soon they would be reunited. His stomach did a flip, but he wasn't sure if it was due to anxiety or excitement.

At least now, thanks to John, he had a sweet new nickname.


	23. Surprise, It's Hot in Texas

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> John arrives iN TEXAS OH MY GOD!!!!!!!! THAT'S WHERE BRO IS!!!!!!!! I WONDER WHAT COULD HAPPEN!!!!!!!!
> 
> Oh right Dave and Terezi are there too.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> telling tumblr every time i update is a thing i'm going to do from now on. or at least until i forget. i'll be tagging the posts with **#brojohn** and **#a poorly executed plan** so you can track those if you want to.

John was on a plane.

John was on a plane and so nervous that he felt like he was going to throw up.

He wasn't nervous about being on the plane. He'd flown enough times to be comfortable in the air. He was nervous about what would happen when he arrived. He was excited to see Dave and Terezi, of course, and he was mostly excited to see Bro...

But he was also nervous about it. Really, really nervous. Because it felt like whatever he and Bro had, had been sort of...on and off. He didn't want them to be on and off. He wanted them to be 100% on, but ever since that terrible Skype call after he'd found out... _that_ from Mom, things had just been...weird. At first, they'd talked to each other during every spare moment and had Skype calls at least once a week, which usually ended up with the two of them naked and a handful of dirty tissues each. He had wanted to ask Bro about the details of him and Mom so badly, wanted to ask about Bro's history in general, but for some reason he was _terrified_ to ask. So he had been awkward and ended the call in a rush, but he regretted it afterward, because Bro shut himself off completely after that, and it took weeks to get a simple text from him.

He had stopped digging for information after that. He didn't want to risk finding out any other disturbing facts. Anyway, it wasn't as if he was trying to be snoopy, he just wanted to know more about Bro, and Bro certainly wasn't offering up his life story on a platter. He'd said all that stuff about labels and defining their relationship right before they'd parted ways back in January, but when you were in a _relationship_ relationship, didn't you offer those sorts of facts up front? Didn't you at least tell the other person more about you than your first name?

He attempted to push those thoughts aside. Dealing with them could wait since he probably wouldn't see Bro until the next day. He had some all day gig that was keeping him from greeting John before then, which John was grateful for. This way, he would be able to get his bearings and catch up with Dave and Terezi before he had to see Bro. Yet he couldn't deny the disappointment tugging at him, couldn't help but wish Bro and Bro alone would be there to greet him. He missed his face, missed his dorky shades, missed his douche-y hair, but mostly missed _touching_ him. Skin-to-skin contact was what he craved most of all.

_Abort, abort, do not think about this on the plane. You do not want to get a boner and have to walk past this sweet little old lady to relieve yourself in the bathroom._

John looked at the sweet little old lady in sympathy. She curled a lip and glared at him.

_Oh god you definitely don't wanna walk past her with a boner._

He tried to occupy himself with his phone, but the battery died. He opened up his book of sudoku, but he was at the "extra hard" level of the book so ended up tucking it into the pouch of the seat in front of him; hopefully the next person to sit in his spot would be a sudoku genius.

John had foolishly opted out of a carry-on so had nothing left to occupy himself for the last two and a half hours of the flight. He pondered initiating a game of thumb war with the little old lady beside him, but decided against it. So he sat back and closed his eyes and tried to sleep.

That didn't work.

He spent the next two hours staring out the window and trying not to think of things he didn't want to think about but couldn't stop thinking about.

\----------------------------------------------------------------

"Dave! Terezi!"

He ran towards them, bag slapping his hip as it swung at his side, his arms spread wide open. They stood close to each other, Terezi's arms wrapped around Dave's waist. Dave saw John running towards them with open arms, grimaced, and braced himself for impact. John dropped the bag several feet in front of them before he lunged forward, wrapping his arms around both of them in a great hug.

"Egbert, you're finally here!" Terezi screeched.

John squeezed tighter. "I'm so happy to see you guys!"

"Nice to see you, too, John," Dave grunted. "It'd be even better if I could breathe while I did so."

"Oh, sorry!" John let go and took a step back, raking his eyes over each one of them.

"Dave, did you...did you get shorter?"

He was answered with Dave's middle finger.

John grinned. "I missed you guys so much!" He pulled Dave into another hug before he could protest. Not wanting to be left out, Terezi wrapped her arms around the both of them and made cooing noises.

"I'm pretty sure he did get shorter," Terezi said once they'd detached themselves from one another.

"I knew there was a reason I didn't want to bring you along, TZ. Why d'you two always gotta be ganging up on me like that?"

"I think his voice changed, too," John added. "It seems higher." His eyes sprung open in mock surprise. "Maybe he's shrinking!"

Terezi gasped and covered her mouth with a hand.

"Fuck you guys. How 'bout I drive off without you and the two of you can find your own way home."

"Daaaave," Terezi pulled him towards her. "We tease because we love. You know that."

"Feels like emotional abuse," Dave said. "I think there's a hotline I should be calling right now."

"Wait 'til we get John settled before you turn us into the authorities, ok?" She tugged him towards her by the front of his shirt and gave him a quick kiss before turning back to John. "Do you want me to carry your bag for you?"

"No, that's alright," John started, but Dave intterupted him by putting a hand up.

"John, trust me, TZ's got like crazy gorilla strength or some shit." Dave turned to Terezi who nodded in agreement, grinning. "She carries shit for me all the time. She even carries me sometimes."

"She _carries you_?"

"Like the fucking majestic princess I am," Dave replied.

"He's so tiny!" Terezi squealed, patting the top of Dave's hair. He swiped her hand away.

"How dare you speak to royalty like that."

"Excuse me, _your majesty_." Terezi curtsied before leaning down and hoisting John's bag over her arm.

"Terezi, you really don't have to -- "

"Shoosh," Dave commanded, papping John on the face. "Car's this way, dawg."

John followed the two out of the airport and into the parking lot. "I can't believe you make your girlfriend carry your stuff for you. That's not very chivalrous of you, dude."

"Y'know John, I would respond to your horrendous accusation and call you a sexist pig for assuming that it's unchivalrous to accept that a lady is like fifty fucking times stronger than you and is way better suited for carrying random shit, but royalty does not address such lowly peasantry as yourself."

John rolled his eyes. "Excuse me, princess."

"There's no excuse for you."

Dave had been leant Bro's pick-up truck for the day (Bro was getting a ride from a colleague). When they reached the truck, Terezi threw John's bag into the bed of the pick-up and they squeezed into the front seats. John was stuck in the middle seat.

They took him out to eat and ended up sitting outside on the patio of a mexican restaurant. John didn't know why they were sitting outside when it was so _hot_. Surely there was air conditioning inside that they could be taking advantage of?

"Stop being a fucking baby," Dave said when John voiced his complaint. "It's perfect weather right now."

John moaned, peeling the light jacket he had worn for the plane ride off. "It's not perfect! It's terrible! It must be, like, what, 70?"

Dave scoffed. "Try 75, maybe."

"Oh my god," John leaned back in his seat, fanning himself off with his hand. "It's so fucking hot. How can you stand it here?"

"Heat is good," Terezi answered. She pointed her face directly at the sunlight and closed her eyes, smiling. "How can you not love the feeling of the sun beating down on you?"

" _Sweat._ And blindness. I can't see anything!"

Dave pursed his lips and pointed a finger at his own shades. "That's why you need a pair of these, my friend."

"I don't need sunglasses, I need to be _inside._ " He pulled his jacket over his head and shoulders, covering as much of himself as he could with it. "Have you seen how pale I am? You guys can take this sunlight with your complexions, but I'm practically a ghost! I'm going to burn to a crisp if I sit under this any longer."

"Didn't you bring any sunscreen?"

"Yeah, but it's in my bag!"

"You should've thought of that before you left it in the truck."

"Daaaave!" John whined. "C'mon, it's so hot! I can't stand it out here."

"Calm down, Egbert!" Terezi said, slapping him on the arm. "Just eat your damn burrito and listen to the surprise we have for you!"

John perked up. "You have a surprise? For me?"

"You're here for your damn birthday, aren't you?" Dave said.

"Oh, right. Now I feel kind of bad for complaining so much if you guys have a surprise for me."

"You should feel bad."

"Shush!" Terezi leaned forward and grabbed a handful of nachos from Dave's plate, shoving them into his mouth. She looked at John, pointing to his burrito, and he grabbed it to take a bite before she could put it in his mouth for him. "We're throwing a birthday party for you, John!"

"Really?" John covered his mouth as beans and guacamole flew out. "That's so nice! But I don't know anyone here. Is it just going to be us and Bro?"

"Um, not exactly -- "

"Not at all," Dave interjected. "A bunch of mine and TZ's friends are gonna be there. It'll be at TZ's house; her parents are like these badass lawyers or something so she's loaded and has this huge mansion."

"It's not a _mansion_ , it's just a house!"

"Oh," John said, "so...all of your friends want to come to my birthday party?"

Terezi clasped her hands together in front of her and sucked her teeth. "They don't exactly know it's your birthday party."

"The deal is," Dave said, moving his plate aside so he could lean across the table, "TZ planned this big shindig for spring break, not realizing that you were gonna be here because the asshole who is Dave Strider forget to tell her until the last minute. So she already had this big thing planned that she can't possibly cancel at the last second because hello, social suicide, and I, being her amazingly cool and handsome boyfriend-slash-DJ, just have to attend this party. Since this party has to happen, we decided, 'why not bring John along?' and since it's your birthday, why not change the theme of the party?"

"That's really nice, you guys!" John said. "I mean, it's not really nice that you forgot to tell TZ about me visiting, but I'm happy to go to your party with you! You know you don't have to change it to my birthday party though, right? I mean...I doubt your cool Houston friends really care about my birthday."

"No!" Terezi slammed her palm against the table. "It's your birthday, damn it, and if I had known you were coming, I would have planned the most spectaular party for you imaginable! Dave and I owe you so this party is going to be _your_ party!"

"Ok, ok," John crouched down in his seat and took another bite of his burrito. "When is the party?"

"In two days," Dave answered, picking at his nachos. "It's on Wednesday."

"I really am sorry about this, John," Terezi said. "I feel so bad!"

"It's totally cool, TZ!" John smiled warmly at her. "I'm excited to meet your friends."

He genuinely was excited to meet their friends. Outside of the internet, he didn't get to meet new people often. One of the downsides of being homeschooled. They weren't just new people he was meeting, though, they were _public school_ kids. They sat in classrooms and participated in school activities and were victims of peer pressure and did drugs in the bathroom and had teen pregnancy scares. Or at least, that's what public school kids were like on tv. And they sounded exciting from what Dave had always told him and from the few experiences Rose had had. She'd gone to a private school for a while, he knew, so didn't have _that_ much experience with them...

However they turned out, he was excited to meet them.

They finished their meal and headed back to Dave's apartment. When Dave opened the door, John was surprised to find that the place looked somewhat...tidy. There were still smuppets and laundry piled around the apartment, but there were significantly fewer take-out boxes and less garbage in general decorating the apartment.

"Why's it look so...clean?" John asked.

"I didn't do it, so don't ask me," Dave said. "Alright, you cool with the air mattress if I throw it in my room?"

"Yeah," John mumbled, looking around the front room of the Strider's apartment. It looked just as he remembered it: a futon in the center of the room directed towards the giant flat screen, which had several different consoles scattered in front of it, and a large turntable set up in the corner of the room. Then there was the hallway with two doorways; one opened to Dave's room, the other to the closet. There was something he hadn't taken into account, though...

"Where does Bro sleep?"

Dave nodded towards the futon. "That right there folds out into a pretty comfy bed. Guess I can't say my bro never did anything for me since I literally have the only room in the apartment."

"Right..."

_How are you supposed to spend any time alone with Dirk if he doesn't even have a bedroom? If he even wants to spend any time alone with you, that is...No, abort, you are definitely not thinking about this right now._

They pulled the air mattress out of the closet and filled it up, then abandoned it along with John's things on the floor of Dave's bedroom. They moved to the futon and took turns picking terrible movies to watch. Dave popped three bowls of popcorn, but they all lay untouched. The room was still too warm to John, too warm to eat popcorn or even move, despite the fact that it was already dark outside and Dave had turned a fan on after John moaned enough about the heat. It was still warm enough to be uncomfortable. He was really wishing he had worn shorts right about now. It was making him sleepy, too. Or maybe that was just the time. What time was it, anyway? It must be late. It felt late. He turned to Dave and Terezi to ask, but when he did, he saw that they were cuddled up against the edge of the futon, fast asleep.

Sleep. That sounded so good right about now. And what reason did he have to stay awake? He had a belly full of burrito and a sticky head of hair that he wanted to forget about. So he leaned his head back and closed his eyes, and soon he was unconscious.

\----------------------------------------------------------------

There was stomping. Stomping and loud voices.

No, a loud voice, singular. Someone was upset and stomping around. They didn't sound like they were raising their voice at anyone in particular. John slowly adjusted back into consciousness and the voice registered as Terezi's. Then there was Dave's, attempting to soothe her, and then another voice, a deeper one...

_Bro's voice._

John's eyes shot open and he saw the screensaver of the Striders' DVD player. Bro spoke again and John realized the three of them were standing behind the futon.

"I'll give you a ride home, TZ; don't worry. I'm sure your parents will understand."

"I should be the one to drive her home. I'm her boyfriend."

"You're also the one who forgot to get his girlfriend home on time, dumbass."

John heard a smack which he assumed was Bro hitting Dave in the head.

"It's ok, Dave." It was Terezi now. "Stay here and get yourself and John to bed. I'll be fine with Bro."

"TZ, I'm really sorry about this..."

"Shut up, cool kid. It's not your fault."

There was a pause, and then Bro made a grunting noise. "Alright, children, break it up and say goodnight."

John turned around to see Dave and Terezi in the middle of an embrace as Bro stood off to the side, waiting. There he was. Bro. In the flesh. And John couldn't do anything but stare. He looked the same as always, and yet somehow fundamentally _different_. It was like he had never seen Bro before. He stared up at Bro's shades and although it was too dark in the room to see anything but opaque black, he knew that Bro was looking right back at him.

"John."

"Hey, Bro," John mumbled, his face pressed against the back of the couch, his hands clinging tightly to the blanket draped across the back of the futon.

"You're awake!" Terezi said. "Good! I'm late, or else I'd give you a proper goodnight." She ran towards the door, grabbing Bro by the wrist as she went. "Goodnight, boys!" And then they were out the door.

"What just happened?" John asked, turning to Dave.

Dave walked around to the front of the futon and sat down beside John. "Terezi was supposed to be home by midnight," he answered, "but we all fell asleep on the couch. Neither of us woke up till Bro came in a little while ago, but it was already three in the morning by that point. He offered to give TZ a ride since she lives kinda far, and then you woke up, and you saw the rest."

"Oh no!" John turned back around to face Dave. "Will she be in trouble with her parents? Can she still have her party?"

Dave lifted one shoulder casually. "Naw, it should be cool. Her parents aren't real big on actual punishment, they're more into guilt trips. So they'll tell her they're real disappointed in her and she'll tell them she'll try harder next time an' then they'll send her to bed, but they won't do anything too severe."

"That's lucky, I guess..." John mumbled. "Um, Dave...Do you know how long they'll take?"

At the angle John was sitting, he could see Dave's eyes behind his shades. He watched as Dave looked him up and down before answering

"Should be about 30 minutes, give or take," Dave said. John nodded and turned his gaze to his hands. "I'm gonna head to bed now," Dave continued. "You coming?"

"Actually, is it ok if I watch TV for a while?"

"'Scool," Dave said. He sat there for a few moments, staring at the blank TV in front of them, before clearing his throat. John looked back up at him. "John, I don't know how to say this, but...Are you waiting up because...Do you...with...uh..."

"...Dave?"

"Fuck. Just. Am I gonna have to wear ear plugs in bed tonight?"

John scrunched his face in confusion. "I'll put the volume on low, if that's what you're worried about."

"Oh, for fuck's sake," Dave said, slapping his palms against his knees. "Turn the TV up as loud as you want, it won't bother me." He stood up and walked towards the hallway, yelling "goodnight" as he slammed his bedroom door shut.

That was...odd. Why would Dave need ear plugs if he wasn't worried about the volume of the tv? Whatever, John had more important things to think about now.

_Like how Bro was going to be back in 25 minutes and then he and John would be sort of alone for probably a short amount of time but still alone and oh my god he was going to be properly reunited with Bro soon._

The blood was pounding in his ears, his heart was hammering against his ribcage, and his leg wouldn't stop bouncing up and down. He should move, he should definitely move around and do something, because just sitting here wasn't going to make the time pass any quicker. He could brush his teeth. Yes, he could do that. He did that. And it took up very little time. He tried to find more little things to do. Clearing away the popcorn took up an infinitesimal amount of time. While grabbing a glass of water, he took note of the new fixture in the Striders' kitchen. It was the calender he'd given to Bro, only _framed_. Bro had literally gone so far as to frame it. He must have to take it apart once a month to turn the page. John admired his dedication.

When he took a closer look, examing the markings on the calendar, he noticed orange writing scribbled over the date he arrived and the date he would leave, and a large scribble over his birthday, marked "JOHN'S BDAY". He grinned goofily before pulling himself away to get a glass.

He went back to the living room with his water and sat down, sipping at it slowly. His leg was bouncing again. How long had it been? Ten minutes? Five minutes? Twenty minutes? Fifteen minutes? He squirmed in his seat. God, he couldn't take this much longer.

"Aaaaaaaaaaaaahhhhhhhhhhh!!!!!!!!!!"

He threw himself face down into the pillow after crying out. This was agony. There was so much he wanted to say to Bro, so much he wanted to _do_ to Bro...The saying stuff was maybe more important, though. He would be seventeen soon. He had to be more mature about...stuff. And it would be easier to be responsible and mature and talk about _stuff_ in person rather than on Pesterchum, right? Because it was just easier to say things in person. So he could totally talk about the things he had been avoiding talking about now. As soon as Bro came through those doors, they were going to have Serious Discussions. Serios Mature Responsible Discussion.

_Why is it so fucking hot in Houston!?_

He really couldn't take much more of this.

Finally, _finally_ , he heard keys jingling in the door. His head bolted up from the cushion and he watched as the doorknob turned and then he was half-jumping half-rolling until he was kneeling on the couch, facing the door, watching intently. The door opened, and Bro walked in. Bro Strider, goofy attire included.

"Hey there, John. Long time no see."

And then Bro smiled and John _melted_ , he literally melted right there into the futon, into the floor, through every level on this god forsakenly _hot_ building and into the earth below. He was gone. Bro Strider's smile had killed him.

"H-hi, um, Di -- Bro. Uh...How is...everything?"

Bro shrugged as he walked towards the futon. John watched him walking, his whole body turning as Bro moved, turning to match the direction Bro was in. When Bro sat down beside him, John moved to sit down properly instead of on his knees. They stayed like that for a few moments, silent in each others' company.

"Dirk -- "

"John, before you say anything, I want to tell you that...I know January was a long time ago, so if you had second thoughts about...us, this, whatever, then it's fine if you want to step back. If you need time, or if you don't need time and you just decided that you're done, that's fine. You don't owe me any explanations."

He couldn't see Bro's eyes, could barely make out Bro's expression, even this close up. John settled for reaching forwad and tentaively lying his hand across Bro's. A small shock went through him as their skin touched, but he refused to flinch.

"I'm not having second thoughts."

"...You're not?"

"No."

They looked at each other, and kept looking at each other. Bro's hand turned beneath John's pressing his palm up and weaving their fingers together.

"Are you?" John asked. "Are you having second thoughts?"

"Fuck no," Bro breathed out.

John squeezed Bro's hand in his and realized that he was smiling broadly. He wanted to say something -- because that's what he had been gearing up for, right? There were things he wanted to say? But...what where they? He couldn't remember a single fucking thing. All he could do was stare stupidly up at Bro. Bro's hand reached out to stroke his cheek, his thumb pressed against John's jawline, and John closed his eyes, leaning into the contact.

"I really missed touching you," John murmured without realizing that he had even opened his mouth. He opened his eyes to find Bro smiling at him; not a smirk or a grin or anything snarky, just a smile, and John found himself leaning forward.

"I missed that," Bro said.

"What? Touching?"

"That too," Bro said with half a shrug. "But I was referring to your blatant honesty. There was plenty of it in our chats, but the real thing is so much better."

"Oh, so you like it when I'm honest with you? When I'm blunt?"

"I love it."

"Ok," John let go of Bro's hand so he could crawl forward onto Bro's lap, where he settled, tucking his knees in at Bro's sides. "I think it's fucking _stupid_ that you and Dave, two grown-ass dudes, live in a one-bedroom apartment when you're constantly bragging about how filthy stinking rich you are."

"I don't constantly brag about it," Bro said, his fingers sliding up to grip into John's thighs.

"Do too!"

"Do not."

John leaned forward, wrapping his fingers around the collar of Bro's polo shirt. "You told me that if I wrote a script for a Kevin Spacey/Nic Cage buddy-cop movie, you would personally fund the project."

"That's not bragging about my wealth, that's being fiscally savvy."

"What _ever_." John tugged at the lapels he was gripping onto.

Bro leaned forward, gliding his nose across John's cheek until he reached an ear. "Got any other brutal truths for me?"

His breath was soft and cool against John's ear and he shivered beneath it, wrapping his arms around Bro's neck, pressing their chests together. "I don't know. I can't think straight anymore."

"That's pretty honest," Bro said, running his hand across John's waist until it disappeared under his shirt, rubbing lightly at the skin beneath. "Can't say I'm far behind you."

John didn't reply; instead, he rested his head against Bro's shoulder, concentrating on the feeling of Bro's fingertips skirting across his lower back, tracing patterns in his skin, while another hand wrapped itself around John's hair.

He pulled away and sat up straight, looking down at Bro. "Can I take your shades off?"

Bro inclined his head forward slightly, giving John better access, and he reached out, pulling the shades away. He folded them and hooked them onto Bro's shirt and just watched his eyes as Bro watched his. He smirked, and John was sure he was about to say something flirty or snarky, maybe both, but instead of letting him speak, he leaned forward to kiss him. Instantly, Bro was tugging John closer to him, nearly suffocating him between Bro's torso and the arm around John's back. He didn't mind though. His whole body warmed up; he hadn't noticed how cold he'd gotten while sitting on Bro's lap. When Bro pulled away to breathe, his eyes dark with want, John shivered and pulled him into another kiss.

"I'm so _cold_ ," John mumbled against his lips.

"Why is the fan on?"

"Because it was hot earlier."

"Why is it _still_ on?"

"Because it was hot for a long time and we fell asleep."

"Maybe I should turn it off."

"Don't." John squeezed his legs against Bro's thighs. "Why don't you warm me up instead?"

Bro paused, cocking an eyebrow at John. He turned and leaned forward slightly to yank the blanket off of the back of the futon, then wrapped it around John's shoulders.

John let out an exasperated noise. "That's not what I meant."

"I know exactly what you meant, Madokabert," Bro said, grinning and poking John on the nose. "I also know that we are in a common area, which my kid brother could walk into at any moment."

"He won't walk in!"

"How do you know? Did you restrict him in some way so he can't leave his room? Did you block his hearing somehow?"

John slouched down. "No."

"Sorry, kid," Bro said, placing his hands back against John's waist. "No foolin' around when Dave's...around." He frowned.

The nickname grated at his ears. "Are you telling me we can't do _anything_ while I'm here?"

"No." Bro paused, and John raised his eyebrows expectantly. "You're here for two weeks," Bro continued, "and Dave's spring break lasts only one week."

"So, next week..."

"While Dave's at school," Bro added, "we can fool around as much as you want."

John leaned forward, dropping his forehead against Bro's shoulder. "I guess that's ok..."

"It'll have to be, 'cause there ain't nothin' we can do to change it, kid."

"Don't call me that," John muttered against Bro's shirt. " _'Kid.'_ It makes me feel like...a kid, I guess."

"You _are_ a kid."

"I know, but..."

"John." Bro lifted John's face by his chin, pulling his head up enough so their mouths could reach other. After a few soft kisses, Bro pulled away. "Shouldn't you get some sleep?"

"Can't I sleep out here with you?"

"No way. We'd get caught."

"We wouldn't! I'll get up before Dave."

"What would we say if Dave came out to pee and saw us?"

John hugged Bro closer to him. "We'd tell him we've been having an illicit affair, obviously."

"John -- "

"I know, I know, but..." John slid his arms around Bro's waist and pressed his forehead against Bro's chest. "We've been apart for so long, and if...if we can't fool around I at least want to be able to sleep next to you." After a few moments of silence from Bro, John looked up at him. "Dirk? Please?"

"I swear, if we get caught..."

"We won't!" John straightened up and smiled at Bro.

"Then get off of me so I can unfold this futon."

John jumped out of his lap and watched, the blanket still wrapped around his shoulders. Bro snapped the futon into place and turned the fan off.

"You gonna change into pajamas or something?" Bro asked.

John shook his head. "I'm good! Um, but, I could help you change, if you want."

"I'm good," Bro said, holding a hand out. John watched as he stripped down to his underwear, ignoring the excitement crawling in his own belly. Bro crawled back onto the futon beside John and tugged at the blanket. "You gonna hog that thing?"

John made a face as he set his glasses on the table beside Bro's shades and pulled the blanket off of his shoulders, laying down and spreading it out over the two of them. He snuggled against the older man and Bro wrapped an arm around him, pulling John closer to him. He always made such a big deal about letting John sleep with him, but when it came right down to him, he was always the more clingy one, tugging John closer to him in his sleep. John pressed the smile forming on his face into Bro's shoulder before mumbling a "goodnight" against his skin.

"Good-fucking-night," Bro replied.

\----------------------------------------------------------------

It was early in the morning when Dave woke up, the desire to pee and the thirst in his throat fighting one another. He got up and headed for his door and noticed that the mattress on his floor was empty. The pillow and blanket he'd set out for John lay untouched on the pile he'd thrown them in.

_Maybe John's still watching TV._

He scoffed at his own thought.

_Yeah the fuck right._

He went to the bathroom, pissed, then made his way back into the hallway, pausing before he entered the living room. There weren't any odd noises coming from the room, and he hadn't heard anything all night, so it must be safe to walk through. He moved slowly and cautiously into the room. Once in, he looked around and saw a lumpy blanket on the futon, snoring away. That would be Bro. So where was John?

He moved into the kitchen and grabbed a glass of water, watching the futon as he sipped. His eyes raked over the blanket and then he saw a tuft of black hair sticking out of one end and nearly spit out his drink.

_It's way too fucking early for this shit._

He left the kitchen, waked quickly through the living room and down the hall until he reached his bedroom, closing the door roughly behind him. He stood with his back pressed against the door for several moments before pulling his phone off of his dresser and opening up the Pesterchum app.

\-- turntechGodhead [TG] began pestering tentacleTherapist [TT] \--

TG: rose  
TG: rose are you awake  
TG: please rose please be awake i need to talk to you  
TT: Hello, Dave. Sorry it took me so long to respond. I was with Kanaya.  
TT: Did John arrive safely? How is the visit so far?  
TG: oh my god rose  
TG: im only confiding in you because i know you have to know whats going on already  
TG: i mean its kind of a secret i guess or its supposed to be at least but theres no way you dont know whats going on  
TG: with your sneaky freudian bullshit and your psychoanalytical ways  
TG: youre like a psychology detective or at least you think you are  
TT: ...I feel like you are trying to ask me for some sort of assistance, but I have no idea what it is that you want.  
TG: rose  
TG: i just  
TG: need someone to talk to  
TT: I'm listening, Dave.  
TT: Or should I say, I'm reading.  
TT: Either way, if you have a problem, of course I'm here to help you.  
TG: ok thanks or whatever  
TG: but can we please  
TG: PLEASE talk  
TG: about what the fuck is going on between my bro and john

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> yeah ok i know 70F-75F is not that big a deal TO MOST PEOPLE but i literally turn into a little colicky baby if the temperature gets above 60F. i like it cold.
> 
> next chapter won't be from john or bro's perspective who could it be oooOOOOOOooohhhHhhHHHHhhh
> 
> (hint: it's dave)


	24. Dave Strider and the Totally Fucking Obvious Assholes

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> John and Bro aren't as inconspicuous as they think they are.
> 
> This chapter is all about Dave and his feels because who doesn't love Dave and his feels.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i stole woodgrave from [gentlemanly pursuits](http://archiveofourown.org/works/624289/chapters/1127186) for a few paragraphs. i can only hope i did him justice.

They thought they were so fucking sneaky.

They were the most obvious assholes Dave had ever had the misfortune to meet and/or be related to.

Totally Fucking Obvious Clue Uno: the Mistletoe.

Bro had a tendency to lean on the side of slutty when it came to romance and sexual partners, which Dave had come to terms with long ago. Bro did what he did and that was fine; Dave wasn't into slut-shaming. But he knew that Bro had intent behind every action, whether it was conscious or not. And he knew that Bro had a penchant for things that might not be good for him. Things that could potentially get him arrested. This penchant had never gone as far as a sixteen-year-old, but hey, there was a first time for everything. So when Bro _bragged_ about macking on John under the mistletoe, he knew, _he fucking knew_ , that Bro was a little more than interested in John. And when Dave realized that not only was John no longer repulsed by Bro's demeanor or actions, that John actually _liked_ the way Bro did whatever the fuck he did, he knew that something was about to go down.

Totally Fucking Obvious Clue Deux: John Egbert Does Not Have a Single Subtle Bone in His Body.

It was a good thing his last name was Egbert and not Strider, because he wore every emotion clearly on his face. John was so sincere all the time, and Dave loved that about him, he really did, but it made some things pretty fucking awkward. Like the totally fucking obvious raging boner John had formed for Dave's older brother. That made things _super_ awkward for Dave. It was like Egbert was flaunting his gross crush in everyone's face; at least Bro had the decency to deny his weirdo obsession.

Totally Fucking Obvious Clue Drei: the Creepy Weeaboo Nicknames.

This one was Classis Strider BS: you like something but you feel weird about liking it so you give it a different name so you can pretend it's not the thing you're trying to avoid. Bro, being Bro, just had to add his own brand of creepiness to it.

Totally Fucking Obvious Clue Fuck This Numbered Bullshit: Three Months' Worth of Pesterlogs Where John Does Little But Ask Dave About Bro.

Seriously, Egbert, you couldn't be less subtle if you tried.

The Penultimate Totally Fucking Obvious Clue: Bro Did You Seriously Punch a Hole in the Wall?

Yes. Yes he did.

The Motherfucking Coup de Grâce of Clues: the End of Strider Vs. Strider Strifing.

There had been a strife here and there, but for the most part, ever since Christmas, the strifing had just...stopped. At first, Dave didn't bother considering why the strifing had ceased; he was just glad to be bruise-free for once. Then he started to get itchy. He craved it, wanted to feel the adrenaline pumping through his veins again; he needed to fight. But Bro didn't. He didn't want to strife. He didn't initiate any altercations and he ignored Dave's attempts. And that made him wonder why. Why did the strifing just _stop_ , and why did he miss it so much? If it was something so easy for Bro to drop, why had he ever bothered in the first place?

Logically, he knew _why_ Bro was constantly beating on Dave. That was just his way of preparing Dave for the world, to make him strong enough to handle whatever life threw at him. It was Bro's parenting style. He had never actually harmed Dave, and although Dave had the natural level of resentment that came from being a teenager and having an incredibly perverse older sibling as a guardian, he still respected Bro, still knew that Bro cared for him, deep down. Really deep down. Like, way down at Cocytus-level, but still. The feelings existed.

After his eleventh feeble attempt at calling Bro out to the roof, he realized why it stung, why his body ached so bad for it; because that was the only way Bro had ever shown him affection.

They had still been at the Lalondes' place when he realized that something non-platonic was happening between Bro and John. He had tried to bring it up a few times since, just to find out what the hell was going on, but...how was he supposed to ask his best friend and brother if they were screwing each other? So he buried his feelings beneath layers of irony and masked his emotions with opaque lenses because he was a Strider and that's what Striders do.

It didn't diminish the growing feelings of jealousy and betrayal.

But god, those feelings sounded so...overdramatic. He didn't want to feel them. He wanted to be cool, like a Strider should be. He wanted to not give a shit what his brother and best friend did. Truthfully, he wasn't upset with Bro. He felt neglected, yes, but not mad. This was exactly the kind of perverse shit he expected from the guy. It was John he was upset with. John was supposed to be his best friend, the one who had his back, not the one who abandoned him and dragged Dave's bro along with him. As much as he didn't want to admit it, he could have gotten used to whatever freaky relationship the two of them had going on; so long as they didn't forget about him.

He tried to talk to Rose about it, but they didn't get much farther then agreeing that John and Bro had been an item for quite some time now. He couldn't tell her how he really felt; she'd never let him live it down. She'd say 'you should have snagged him up when he still had the hots for you, Dave' and _fuck_ did he wish John would go back to crushing on him instead. He'd known John liked him, of course he'd known, John was so obvious it hurt. And that little stunt under the mistletoe? As if it hadn't been perfectly clear what exactly John was trying to pull. That poorly executed plan was where this whole thing started, and Dave couldn't help but feel a pang of regret and stupidity every time he thought of it. If he had just gone along with Egbert's stupid scheme, Bro never would have had the opportunity to kiss him. Maybe a kiss would have been all John needed? Maybe after they kissed, John would have realized that Dave was just an asshole who didn't even deserve the amazing girlfriend he already had.

...No, who was he kidding. Kissing John would have sucked the guy in for life. He was a Strider, after all. With that knowledge, he couldn't blame John for crushing on Bro.

He could still be mad at him for everything else, though, which he continued to do by making snider and snider remarks but never actually addressing the problem.

On the second day of John's visit, Dave had planned to take John and Terezi paintballing. Terezi was forced to spend time with her family to make up for the night before, so John invited Bro to take her place. Dave gritted his teeth when Bro agreed.

They went to a paintball park nearby which Bro frequented. When they arrived, one of the owners came out to greet them; to greet Bro, specifically.

"Broderick! Long time no see." The older man held a fist out to Bro.

"Woodgrave," Bro replied, bumping fists. "You still work here? I figured they would have kicked your ass out by now."

"I'm an owner! They couldn't kicked me out if they wanted to. Believe me, they've tried!" He barked out a laugh and Dave flinched at the grating noise.

_What a douchebag._

"How 'bout I grab a coupla guys and take your little team on, Strider?" Woodgrave continued. "You up for it?"

"If you really want to humiliate yourself again, then be my guest."

"If we're playing teams," Dave said, "then I want to go against Bro."

Bro turned his attention to Dave, looking at him hard. "You do, huh?"

"Yeah."

"You really wanna take me on, little man?"

"I could take you on with my eyes closed."

"You couldn't take me on if I was tied up and blindfolded."

"I don't wanna hear about your weird fetishes, Bro; let's just play the game." He turned towards John. "Whose team are you gonna be on?"

"Duh! Yours, of course. Best bros for life, right?" John lifted his fist up and gave Dave his dorkiest smile.

"Bros for _life_." He raised his own fist to meet John's, making eye contact with Bro as he did so and pointedly narrowing his eyes as he spoke.

Ok, so maybe he did hold some resentments against Bro for his relationship with John.

"How exciting, a sibling rivalry!" Woodgrave said, clapping his hands together. "Tell ya what, we'll play three on three and I'll give you my best guy: Rudy."

"I don't give a shit who you give us. We're gonna kick your ass regardless."

"Ouch!" Woodgrave nudged Bro in the side. "Hear that? Sounds like we're teammates!"

"Fan-fucking-tastic," Bro said, glaring back at Dave.

Woodgrave introduced them to Rudy, a large man with sandy hair, and Brett, the man who would be on Bro and Woodgrave's team. The two teams separated to get their gear then met back on the field and minutes later, Dave and John were running across the field, ducking behind a barricade.

"Did you see that, Dave? He almost shot me!"

"That's kind of the point of the game," Dave said, peering over the barricade. The field in front of him was empty.

"I know! It's still exciting," John said. "I wonder where Rudy went?"

"He's probably hiding, like us," Dave said. "Ok, we should probably formulate a plan. I don't care about anyone else, I just want to take out Bro. Maybe we should split up? We'd have a better chance of finding him, but there's also more of a chance that one of us would get hit. What do you think, John? ...John?"

He turned around and John was gone.

"What the hell, dude?" He hissed, running around the barricade to another one set up a few feet away. He skirted across the field, keeping low and staying quiet, until he saw someone. He could just see the top of a head, facing away from him; judging by the hair, it must have been the extra on Bro's team. Dave raised his gun over the barricade he was positioned behind, aimed, and -- Brett cursed as paint splattered across his hair. Dave ducked down and quietly pumped his fist in the air.

_One down, two to go._

After that, he spent what felt like ages moving around the field, trying to find someone else to take out. His trigger finger was so itchy, he probably would have shot Rudy if he showed his face. But he had his eyes on a bigger prize. He wanted Bro.

He was headed towards the northeast corner when he heard a familiar snort of laughter, and he ran towards it without thinking. He slowed to a stop when he reached the area he thought the noise came from, pressing into the side of a barrier. He leaned forward, poking his head around the barrier and saw Bro, looking exasperated three barriers down.

He was being pinned to the barrier by John.

John said something, grinning and straining his neck to reach Bro, and then Bro was swopping down, catching John's mouth -- 

_Oh my god NO._

Dave turned and ran. He dived behind a barrier as he heard a round of fire going off.

_Fuck fuck fuck no no no I didn't need to see that I didn't need to see that I didn't need to see that._

Dave brought his fingers to his eyes, trying to rub the image away. It wouldn't leave. He heard more shots being fired and someone shouting, then someone else's voice. The voice that he had been running towards earlier.

"John?" He called out.

"Dave! Where are you?"

"I'm not gonna shout out where I am, you idiot!"

"Well...just keep talking and we'll play Marco Polo!"

"John, just shut up before you get yourself caught!"

"I'm not gonna get -- oh, fuck! Ah!" There was a thud and another round of fire, then silence.

"John?" No answer. Dave turned around and pushed himself up to look over the edge of the barrier. He saw John, sitting on the ground and covered in a rainbow of paint.

"Fuck!" he cried out. "I'm shot!"

"We can all see that, kid." Dave recognized Bro's voice and jerked his head around, trying to find the source. Bro stepped out from behind a barrier and held a hand out to John.

"Bro, you didn't shoot me, did you?" John looked up at him, all wide-eyed and innocent, and Dave wanted to gag.

"Egbert, please. As if I'd shoot someone as helpless as you."

"Thanks! Wait...Hey!"

Dave stood up, pointing his gun at Bro. "Thanks for the distraction, John. Now I got Bro just where I want him."

Bro let go of John to turn and face Dave. He held his gun out in a shrug. "Congrats, bro. You got me."

"With plenty of help from John, don't forget."

"Of course. John was obviously a vital part of your genius plan."

"The most important part, I'd say. It couldn't have happened without him."

"I'm glad you have such a great resource on your side, Dave."

"Um, Dave..." John took a cautious step forward. "Are you gonna shoot him?"

"Oh, I'll shoot him, don't worry, John; I just wanna savor this moment for a little while."

"Better soak it up now, Little D, 'cause this is a once in a lifetime opportunity."

"Fuck you. I could take you any time, any place."

"Guys -- " John's attempt at interjecting was ignored.

"Care to put that to the test?" Bro asked.

"I'm game if you are."

"Great. How 'bout a good old-fashioned strife? Right here, right now."

"Let's do it."

"Let's make shit take place."

"Hey!"

"What, Little D doesn't like having his lines stolen?"

"Fuck you so hard, Bro."

"Not really into that Stridercest, dawg."

"I swear to god -- "

John jumped between the two of them, holding his hands up. "What the hell is wrong with you two!? Can you both just shut up for two seconds?"

"He started it," they both said in unison.

"I don't care who started it, you two need -- "

They didn't get to find out what they needed because John was cut off by three shots, aimed straight at Dave's chest.

"Fuck!" He brought a hand up to cover the paint dripping down his chest. " _Fuck!_ "

"What the shit?" Bro turned around, looking for the source of fire. "Who was that?"

"Sorry!" A voice called out. Woodgrave came out from behind a barrier, grinning sheepishly. "Sorry about that."

"Fuck -- I told you not to shoot Dave, Woodgrave! I told you I had to shoot him!"

"Well, yeah, but he had you cornered! And it didn't seem like you two would ever stop arguing -- "

"We were discussin' shit, dude. Do I interrupt your conversations with your little bro to shoot him in the chest with a paintball?"

Woodgrave stared incredulously. "...No, and why the hell would you? This is paintball. _Paint. Ball._ We shoot tiny balls of paint at each other. You two were about to pull out your shitty swords, don't deny it, and you would have torn this whole place apart."

"We are master swordsmen. We have such tight control on our shit, dude, you have no idea how tight our shit is. We only wreck the shit that we intend to wreck, and nothing else."

Woodgrave waved his gun around and laughed. "Ok, Bro, but we won! C'mon. The game's done. Get over it."

Bro stared him down for a few moments before raising his own gun. "Fuck you, _Arty_." The he shot Woodgrave square in the chest. Dave stared at the bright orange splotch on the front of Woodgrave's torso.

Woodgrave looked at Bro, his mouth ajar. " _Dude._ "

"No one shoots Dave except me," Bro said, lowering his weapon.

"Sooo," John said, "does that mean Bro won the game? I'm not totally clear on the rules of pinball."

" _Paint_ ball," Bro corrected.

"Same thing."

"He won my respect, that's for sure," Dave said, raising his hand to fist-bump Bro.

Bro dropped his paint gun in a dramatic gesture, then said, "Striders out," and began to make his way through the field as Woodgraved stared. Dave and John dropped their guns and followed, John adding an, "and Egbert!" as he dropped his.

"So... _did_ Bro win the game?" John asked as they reached the exit.

"Bro kicked that game's ass," Dave answered. "Bro made paintball _and_ Woodgrave his bitch, and we -- "

Dave was cut off by a loud "Aaaahhh!!!" from Rudy as he jumped out from behind a barrier. He unloaded the entire contents of his gun onto Bro, John, and Dave, crying out as he did so. When he was finished, he chanted "Ru-dy! Ru-dy! Ru-dy!" as he ran off into the maze of barriers.

Bro wiped orange paint off of his shades. "I fucking hate paintball."

\----------------------------------------------------------------

"Dave, cheer up! We won paintball!"

Dave and John were back at the apartment now, eating Spaghetti-O's out of the can. Bro was in the shower, washing the paint off of his hair.

"I'm not upset, Egbert, and we didn't win shit. We got paint splattered all over our best Sunday attire."

"But we were on Rudy's team!" John said. "And Rudy won, so we won by extension. That's totally how winning works. Like, in baseball, if you strike out, that doesn't mean you lose. Your team could still win, and as long as your team wins, that means you win, and that makes you a winner!"

"Fine, you're right, John, we're winners. We kicked paintball's ass. Go us."

"Jeez, Dave." John pushed playfully at his arm. "You don't have to sound so excited about it. Y'know, if something's wrong, you can tell me! I won't make fun of you or anything. Is it Terezi? Did she get in more trouble with her parents?"

"It's not Terezi..." John was right; Dave _was_ feeling...upset. It was only because he was feeling more conflicted now than ever. "There's something...something I need to talk to you about, and, honestly, I'm kind of pissed that we haven't talked about it sooner. I feel like you should have told me about it a long time ago." He paused to take in John's reaction. He was frowning, his brow furrowed thoughtfully. Of course he had no fucking clue what Dave was talking about, of course, because this is John Egbert, John "Clueless" Egbert, Mr. Oblivious.

"John, I know about you and Bro."

"...Oh." John's eyes went wide and his breaths grew quicker and more shallow. "Oh, oh, oh my god, oh my god. You know! Oh my...oh my god." His hands waved in front of his face, attempting to cool himself off.

"John, please, calm down, ok?" He pressed a hand against John's shoulder, pushing him down on a stool beside him. "This is just...it's just fucking weird, ok? And I don't know how I feel about it, but...I mean, you're my bro and he's my _bro_ bro, so I want you to be happy, I just..." He looked at John, who was staring back at Dave so anxiously, biting at his lip so hard Dave was sure he'd bite right through it. "Are you happy with him?"

"Um." John fidgeted in his seat, his eyes turning to look at the counter. "Actually...yeah. Really, really happy. I mean...all he has to do is smile and I can't help but feel like I'm melting, y'know?"

Dave looked down at his fingers. "Fuck, That sounds like me and TZ. So I guess you're really in love with him?"

"Woah, woah, woah!" John said, jumping out of his seat. "I never said that! I never said the 'L' word! No one said that here, ok?"

"Wait...John," Dave grinned up at him, "are you telling me you guys have been together for what, three and a half months now, and you haven't said _'I love you'_?"

"Of course not! Like I could ever say that to Bro!"

Dave flexed his fingers and sat back in his chair, turning to face John. "Why the hell not, Egderp? Do you just not feel that way about him, or are you a chicken shit?"

"I..." John turned his face down as he thought. "I don't know, I..."

"Ok, ok, I'm sorry," Dave said, waving his hands in front of him. "I don't want to hear about that, I don't know why I even asked."

"No, Dave, _I'm_ sorry," John said, leaning forward and pressing a hand against Dave's arm. "I should have told you about me and Bro, but...how was I supposed to bring it up? Can you really blame me for avoiding that conversation?"

"You mean the one we're having right now? The one that I had the balls to bring up?"

"...Oh, yeah. Ok, I'm just really really sorry, Dave. Really sorry!" John loosened his grip on Dave's arm, pulling his hand back slightly. "But it's not...I mean, are you ok with it? Do you...want me to stop seeing Bro?"

"Of course I'm not fucking ok with it," Dave said. He rolled his eyes as John's face dropped. "But I'll get used to it, Egbert. I just...need some time."

"Ok. Um...Dave?"

"What?"

"Can I ask...how did you know?"

_Becuase you are the most obvious asshole I have ever met, John._

"Rose told me."

"I can't believe her!" John slammed his palms against the counter. "She promised me she wouldn't tell anyone."

"I know, what a blabbermouth, right?"

"Seriously! But, uh, Dave," John leaned forward, "could you please not tell Bro that you know? I mean, I'll tell him eventually, I just wanna ease him into it. I think it would really freak him out if he knew that you know."

"Whatever." Dave stood up and walked towards the living room. "I can't stand it here any longer. I'm gonna head to TZ's for a few hours to...process this shit, I guess."

"Dave, I -- "

"Relax, Egbert," Dave said. "I'm doing you a favor, aren't I? Now you'll get some quality time alone with _Dirk_."

"Dave, you know I love hanging out with you too, right?"

"Of fucking course you do. I'm Dave fucking Strider, but can you please just accept my god damn generosity?"

John smiled, but it looked different from any expression Dave had seen before. "Thanks, Dave."

With a wave and a final good-bye, Dave left the Striders' apartment.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> did anyone else do the thing where you just point at the screen and go "OMG HE SAID THE NAME OF THE STORY IN THE STORY!!!!!!!!" cuz i sure as hell did and i wrote the damn thing.


	25. John Wants the D

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> But Bro doesn't wanna give it up.

John stayed sat at the counter long after Dave left, anxiously awaiting the moment Bro stepped out of the bathroom.

They were....alone.

 _Alone_ , alone. After three months of being apart they were finally reunited and finally had time alone, and like hell was he going to let it go to waste.

As soon as he heard the shower turn off, he ran to the door to wait outside of it. When Bro finally came out wearing nothing but a towel, he looked down at John, surprise clear on his face without the shades to mask it. Surprise that didn't fade when John pulled him down in a kiss.

"John," Bro pulled away, the same look on his face, " Dave -- "

"Isn't here," John said, Bro's face still in his grasp. "He went to Terezi's place."

"Oh."

"Yeah."

"Hmm." Bro bent forward slightly, his hands reaching down to grasp at John's waist. "In that case...hup!"

"Dir -- ah! Oh my god!" Bro gripped John's waist tightly and lifted him into the air, throwing John over his shoulder. "Bro! What are you doing? I'm not -- a rag -- doll -- shit! Put me down!"

"Settle down, Egbert." Bro gave him a slap on the ass for emphasis and started walking. John gasped; he wasn't sure if it was surprise or pleasure making his breath catch in his throat.

"Um, Bro -- oh..." He trailed off, tugging at his hair as the hand that had slapped him found it's way up the leg of his shorts, ghosting across the sensitive skin of his inner thigh. He closed his eyes and tugged harder. "Dirk..."

Bro stopped and dropped John onto the futon. "I know, I know, Egbert. You want my dick and you want it bad, right?"

John looked up at Bro, his back pressed against the futon. "Basically, yeah." He reached out for Bro's hand and tugged lightly. "So c'mere."

"Patience is a virtue," Bro said, kneeling in front of the futon. John watched Bro's free hand disappear beneath his shirt and he let out a breath, closing his eyes as Bro's fingers scratched lightly across his skin. "There's something I want to talk to you about first."

"Oh." John felt his chest rising in the air, desperate for more contact. "Me too. I wanna ask you something too."

"Ok." Then the contact was gone and John frowned, his torso dropping against the futon. "You first," Bro said. "What did you wanna ask me?"

He narrowed his eyes at Bro. He wanted to say that there was no reason they couldn't fool around and talk at the same time, but he furrowed his brow instead. "Why do I have to go first?"

"Fine, I'll go first," Bro said, leaning forward. John tilted his head forward automatically, but Bro's lips never reached his. He paused inches from John's face. "I want to go on a date with you."

"You...what?" John pulled his hand out of Bro's grip and sat up, propping himself up on one elbow. "You wanna go on a... _date_?" Bro nodded. "Why?"

" _Why_?" Bro said, standing up. John could tell by his tone that something had annoyed him. "Are you asking why _I_ would want to go on a _date_ with _you_?"

"Um..." John sat up the rest of the way and scooted backwards, pressing into the back of the futon. "Yeah, I mean...you never asked me to go on a date with you before, so..."

"When would I have -- " Bro cut himself off, taking in a breath. He pressed a knee into the futon, then the other, and crawled forward until he was kneeling inches in front of John. "There weren't many opportunities to ask," he said, his voice calmer. "Back at RoLal's -- I mean, your house, everybody was there. It would have seemed strange if the two of us left to do our own thing, alone. This is the first time I've seen you since, and since we'll have time... _alone_...I thought that maybe, if you were still into whatever it is we have going on, that we could go on...y'know...a date." He looked up at John, who was staring blankly at him, and continued. "Skype calls and Pesterchum are fun, but it's not the same as spending time with the real thing. I just want to spend time with the real, phsyical John Egbert; go see a shitty movie and cuddle in a dark theater as we throw popcorn at the screen, or go to a classy-ass restaurant and play footsie under the table. Whatever. I just want to spend some non-sexual time with you." He finished, and John was still staring at him. He frowned. "John?"

John fell forward, his forehead pressing into Dirk's chest. "If all you wanted was to spend time together, you should have just said so, dummy." His arms wrapped around Bro's torso and he turned his face up.

Bro's arms mirrored John's around his torso. "So...is that a yes? You wanna go on a date with me?"

John squeezed more tightly. "You're such a dummy sometimes."

Bro tugged at John's chin, pulling his face up. "I'm your dummy though, right?" Bro smiled at him and John's chest tightened around his lungs, squeezing the air out of him. He buried his face in Bro's chest again, mumbling something that he hoped Bro wouldn't hear. "Any date-requests? What am I saying, your dream-date is probably a Nic Cage marathon and we already did that."

"I don't care what we do," John said. "I just like being with you."

Bro's arms squeezed around him. "Now that I think about it though, if we did go on a date in public, someone would probably call child services on me."

"Not necessarily," John said. "They might just think I was a kid hanging out with his super weird uncle."

"Maybe. Until you tried to shove your tongue down my throat."

"Hey! I can control myself in public."

"You couldn't even control yourself during paintball."

"I -- "John sighed. "Ok, maybe you have a point. But you reciprocated! You're just as much at fault."

"But I did neither initiate it nor let it continue long enough for either of us to get caught."

"Right..." John buried his face deeper into Bro's chest. They hadn't been caught...but Dave still knew. How was he supposed to bring this up to Bro? Would Bro get upset? Or would he be relieved? John felt relieved. He hated hiding things from Dave. Partly because he didn't like being dishonest, but also because it was just plain hard. Deceit was not his forté.

The fact that Dave knew also made him....slightly anxious. Because Dave's ignorance about their relationship had been his greatest weapon to combat Bro's queries about _what they were_. He wanted to give Bro an answer, he really did, but he also knew that putting a label on their relationship would change it. What they had in that moment made him happy. All he wanted was to snuggle with Bro in the back of a movie theater and pick the kernels out of Bro's teeth with his tongue. But a label would change all that. A label would make things Serious. It wasn't that he didn't _want_ Serious, it was that...he was afraid of what it would entail. And what if Bro didn't want Serious with him? What if they actually talked about what they wanted, and it wasn't the same thing?

"John?" Bro said, concern dotting his expression. "You with me?"

"Yeah!" John said, perking up. "Sorry, I spaced out."

"So what was your thing?" Bro asked. "What did you want to ask me?"

"Oh...uh..." John untangled himself from Bro and sat back against the futon. "Do you -- uh...do you think..."

"John? What is it?"

John rubbed his palm against his face roughly. "Uugghh...do you think I'm a virgin?" he cringed at the way the question came out sounding like it had several extra question marks attached to the end. He peeked at Bro from behind his fingers, who was shrugging.

"Do you consider yourself a virgin?"

"Bro!" John dropped his palms flat against the futon. "I'm serious! Don't do that thing where you ask me the same thing just to be annoying."

"That was a serious response," Bro said. He leaned forwad, his hands resting on John's knees. "Virginity is an oudated and truthfully pretty gross concept. It means as much as you want it to mean. I figured you didn't hold a lot of weight to that concept considering how fast you went after my dick, but if it does mean something to you..." He pulled his hands away from John's legs. "Then I'll respect that."

"No, Dirk, _no_." He reached forward and grabbed onto Bro's hands, pulling them back toward him and depositing them on his waist. "That was pretty much the opposite direction I intended that question to go. I mean -- I appreciate your respect and everything, but...you were right, I _don't_ care about being a virgin. At all."

"Oh. Then...why ask?"

"I..." John bit his lip. He felt so, so awkward. But he was going to power through it, because the reward would be well worth it. "It's just that...the _actual_ thing I want to ask is...embarrassing...because I know you'll just go 'damn, Madokabert, you just can't get enough of my dick, can you?' and I'll be like 'shut up, dirk, just bite me,' and then you'll laugh at me."

"You just described like ninety percent of our conversations."

"I know, I know." John let out a sigh and his leg started shaking. "What I'm trying to say...is...b...utt..."

"B...utt?"

"Ngh." John grunted. His palm was back covering his face. "What I mean is that...if there's any definition of the word 'virgin' that I still qualify as, then I want to...not qualify. As that. Definition. Any longer."

"John..." Bro had one eyebrow raised. His face was concentrated on John's, trying to read his expression.

"Ok, uh," John scooted forward towards Bro. "There's other stuff that two guys can do together, right? Stuff that...we haven't done. One thing in particular that we have yet to do...that I would like to. Do. With you."

Bro's face was blank for a moment longer, and then he smirked. "I don't think I know what you're talking about, John. Can you describe what act you're talking about?"

"You liar."

"I'm sorry, John, I just don't know what you mean."

"I hate you."

"Ouch, John. We're just having a little miscommunication. No reason to use language we'll regret later on."

" _Dirk_." John leaned forward and kissed him hard. He wanted it to hurt because Bro was an ass. He bit down and tugged, and was rewarded with a yelp from Bro.

"Ok, ok, point taken," Bro said, pulling away and rubbing at his lip. "You want sex of the butt variety, yes?" John felt himself blushing and nodded quickly. "Alright then, now that we have that clear..." Bro leaned forward, nosing the curve of John's ear.

"Ah...does that mean...you want to...?"

"Of course I want to," Bro murmured against John's ear. Every breath against his skin was a jolt to his groin, making his stomach churn and his chest tighten.

"Dirk..." John's legs reached out to wrap around his waist tightly, pulling Bro flush against him. His clothes were damp now and if he pushed down, he could feel Bro's everything beneath the towel.

"Damn, Madokabert, you just can't get enough of my dick, can you?"

"Shut up, Dirk, just bite me."

Bro obliged and bit against John's earlobe. He shivered, digging his nails into Bro's back. Bro pulled away to look down at John.

"I'm really glad you're here," he said, smiling down at John. And there was that melting feeling again.

"Me too," John said.

"But I'm not gonna pop your black cherry."

"My -- what?"

Bro sat back, unwrapping John's legs from his side. "No one's dick will be entering anyone else's anus, sorry."

"You -- but you said -- "

"I said I want to, John," Bro said, looking sternly down at him. "And I do want to. But to do it properly takes preparation. Have you thought about that at all?"

"I _have_ thought about it, Bro," John said, annoyed now. He was really hoping they wouldn't breach this topic. "I've thought about it ever since I talked to Ro -- well, for a long time, ok? And I did...research, and...stuff."

" _Research?_ "

"Yeah, I googled 'how to take a dick up the ass'."

"John -- "

" _Dirk_." John leaned forward and grasped Bro's cheeks between his hands. "When have I ever been unsure about doing something with you?"

"I'm not worried about consent here, Egbert." Bro gripped into John's hands, pulling them away from his face. "I'm worried about your physical well-being."

"Oh please," John said, waving a hand between the two of them. "I've seen your dick, dude. It's great, but it's not _ass-tearing_ great -- "

Bro held a finger up to cut John off. "First of all -- fuck you non-literally, dude, my dick is amazing and could tear you a new asshole; and second, that's not what I meant."

"What's the hold-up, then?"

The look Bro wore alone made John feel like he was being reprimanded. It was almost as bad as when Bro patted his head or called him "kid". "For starters," Bro said, "you know what is already in your butt, right? What comes out of it?"

"I _know_." John sneered at him. "I told you, I... _researched_...stuff. And I, like, prepared."

"You _prepared_?"

" _Yes, Dirk, I prepared._ "

"Alright, so what does _preparing_ entail?"

The irriation growing inside of him did nothing to stop the blush from creeping across his cheeks. "I...y'know...flushed everything out."

" _You gave yourself an enema?_ "

John punched Bro in the shoulder before nodding and hiding his face behind his hand. "Other stuff too."

"...Like?"

"Remember that smuppet you gave me for Christmas?"

"The one that looks like you?"

"Yeah, well, uh...I really like that vibration upgrade you added to the nose of the newer models."

"I -- John -- fuck," Bro coughed out. There was a pained expression on his face as he choked on his words. John leaned forward, asking if he was ok, but he only held a hand between the two of them as he caught his breath. "So, I assume," he said between pants, "that you were planning on receiving rather than giving?"

"Well, uh, I just figured I'd...prepare for either. I don't care though, really," John said, "I mean, I'd like to try both eventually, but the point is to just...to do it with you, I guess. I don't care who does what as long as it...gets done."

"You really have a way with words, you know that, John?"

"I -- shut up! This is hard, ok, and awkward, and..." He grabbed the hand that was still floating in the air between the two of them, tugging it and Bro's body toward him until their chests were pressed together. Bro was looking down at him now, but he couldn't bare to meet his gaze. "I just want you, Dirk."

"I want you too." Bro ran a hand through John's hair and his eyes fluttered close. "But we're still not doing it."

John's eyes flew open and he looked up to meet Bro's. "Why not?"

"I want a date first," Bro said. "You at least have to buy me dinner before I'll put out. Or let me buy you dinner, whatever."

"Oh," John said, "ok, I guess. Um...do you want to go out now?"

Bro shook his head. "No, how about we have our date on your birthday?"

John's jaw dropped and he pulled away from Bro. "But that -- that's not until Sunday!"

Bro smirked. "I know."

John's mind was racing. Why why why _why was Bro torturing him like this?_ They both wanted it, so why wait? He couldn't help but pout. "But...I want to do it _now_."

"My dick comes for a price, Egbert. You're gonna have to be patient."

John groaned. "Well, at least we can do other stuff, right? Dave's still at Terezi's, so for now -- "

"I don't think so," Bro said. He scooted back and off of the futon until he was standing in front of John. "You gotta wait."

John's heart dropped. He pressed his palms into the seat in front of him, leaning forwards. "We can't -- we can't do anything? Why?!"

"To be honest, John, I don't think I could control myself." Bro tugged at the towel around his waist and it dropped. He moved towards a pile of laundry on the floor, sifting through it. John could only stare at his backside longingly.

"I don't want you to control yourself," John managed to croak out. "We don't have to wait! I don't want to wait!"

"I know you don't, and I don't really want to, either," Bro said as he tugged a pair of boxer briefs up and over his thighs, "but it's so much fun watching you squirm."

"You _asshole_! That's so _mean_!"

Bro walked back over to the futon and leaned down over John, his fists resting against the futon on either side of John. He was close enough for John to kiss, and wow, did he want to. "You like it though, don't deny it. You love a little torture." He leaned forward and then they were kissing and John felt relief as their lips moved together, as their tongues danced against each other, relief because obviously Bro had just been teasing him, they were going to fool around right now, that's why Bro's teeth were pressing hard against his lips and marking him. And then Bro pulled away, and the look he wore made John realize that he hadn't been joking.

"You're a jerk."

"I know."

Bro walked away and John stared at him. He was right, Bro was completely right; he was getting off on not being able to touch Bro. Was this weird? This was weird. Bro had said he was the good kind of perverse, but he wasn't sure if this still qualified.

"What do you wanna do 'til Lil D gets back?" Bro asked.

"Fuck," John answered.

Bro ignored his answer. "Wanna watch a movie?"

"No, I wanna fuck."

"C'mon, I'll even let you pick. I bet you brought that Nic Cage boxset with you."

John scoffed. "I -- _no_ , I didn't bring _that_ Nic Cage boxset..."

Bro's eyebrow twitched. "John."

John let out a breath. "...I brought the gold-plated limited edition instead. It was an early birthday gift from Rose. It's got over thirty-two hours of special footage."

Bro muffled his laugh with a hand. "Let's see how many terrible Cage flicks we can squeeze in before Dave gets home," he said.

"Fine, but I'm still mad at you," John said, standing to get his boxset from Dave's room. Guilt swam through his stomach at the mention of Dave. He should really tell Bro that Dave knew. Bro would want to know. But he just...couldn't bring himself to do it. That would jut make things awkward, right? It would just bring up uncomfortable topics. They didn't need uncomfortable topics to enjoy each other's company. They could have sexy times and date times and all sorts of times and everything would be fine! Eventually, he would wear Bro down -- hopefully sooner, rather than later -- and they would at least give each other handjobs or something. Everything was great. This was great. Life was great. Bro was great. And John was going to enjoy every great moment they had together.


	26. John, You're Drunk

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> John goes to a party and gets drunk.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> this chapter is dedicated to my friend judy who will never read it and never realize that i stole her name for a character
> 
> haha sucker

The next day was Terezi's party. John and Dave arrived early to help her set up. When John and Dave arrived, he realized Dave had been right to call that place a mansion, because it was _huge_. It was even bigger than the house he and his dad had recently moved into. Terezi slapped his mouth shut when he stood in the driveway, gaping at the building, then grabbed his arm and tugged him inside.

Once inside, she grabbed two drinks from a table, thrusting one towards John. Dave grabbed a cup and left to arrange his set-up. Terezi grinned, showing all of her teeth, and John gripped his cup tightly. He knew that look. That was a look that made his gut twist in apprehension.

"So," she said, nudging him in the side, "how are things working out with _Bro_?"

John's mouth dropped open in shock. He let out a deep breath and closed his mouth, slouching down. "I suppose Rose told you too?"

"Rose didn't tell me, John," she said, poking him in the side. He squirmed away from her. "You're so obvious! Plus, Dave told me what happened yesterday."

"I can't believe he told you!" John stomped his foot on the ground. "I thought he would at least have the decency not to tell anyone else."

"John, I'm his girlfriend." She slid an arm around his shoulders. "Of course he told me. We have no secrets. He even told me about the time in elementary school when he snuck into the girls' bathroom because Bro tried to convince him that girls can't poop."

"Haha, I still can't believe he did that!"

"I know, right? Or what about the time he peed his pants in the middle of a Blockbuster?"

"Uh... He never told me that story," John said.

"Oh," Terezi said, "in that case, uh...pretend I never did either, ok?"

John nodded, taking a sip of the drink Terezi had handed him before spitting it back out into his cup, letting out a strangled noise. "What's in this cup?!"

"Ah! Sorry, Dave didn't tell me you don't drink," Terezi said. She let go of his shoulder to reach for the cup.

"Wait!" John pulled the cup back, guarding it with his hand. "Is it...is it _alcohol_?"

Terezi laughed at the way he whispered the last word. "Yes, John, it's _alcohol_. You don't have to drink it if you don't want to though, no pressure."

John raised the cup to his nose, sniffing tentatively. "It smells like acetone."

Terezi's grin widened. "That it does. It's mixed with grape juice, though, so it shouldn't be too strong."

John took another sip. It burned as he swallowed. He made a face, and Terezi laughed again. "It kinda tastes like grape acetone," he said, trying to smoothe his face back to normal.

"You'll get used to it," she said, putting her arm back around him. "You ready for the party?"

John nodded, taking another sip and pulling another face. Terezi cackled.

\----------------------------------------------------------------

Terezi introduced him to some people, and they were nice, but...he was still at a party with strangers. She had tried introducing him to people as "the birthday boy", but they didn't especially care. He couldn't blame them. He couldn't blame Terezi for leaving him all alone, either. She was the hostess; she had to make sure all of her guests felt attended to. Dave was busy DJing, so John wasn't upset with him, either.

It still sucked.

He was working on another drink now -- either his third or fourth -- when Terezi came back to check on him. She never left him alone for long; 20 minutes at the most. She had another drink in hand so he quickly downed his old one before accepting hers. They were starting to taste good. She mumbled something about watching his alcohol intake and winked before being pulled away again.

He sighed, looked around the room full of people he was in, and took a great swig of his drink.

Suddenly he was in the bathroom. _How did I get here?_ He looked down and saw his dick hanging out of his pants. He quickly reached down to tuck himself in, managing to stay standing the entire time. He wobbled towards the sink to wash his hands and took note of how warm his face felt.

Then he was in a hallway with a drink in his hand. Hadn't he finished his last drink? _Oh well_ , he thought, taking a drink. He wobbled in place and Terezi laughed at him. When had she gotten here?

"You're drunk!" She said between giggles.

"I'm not drunk, your face is drunk." John said, giggling and booping her on the nose. He left his finger pressed against her nose and stared at her. She looked different. Almost like...a different person.

He jerked his hand back.

"You're not Terezi," he said.

The girl in front of him snorted and doubled over laughing. John smiled down at her, a slow laugh building in his chest. It came out in a guffaw and he doubled over next to her.

"What's so funny?" Another voice asked.

John looked up to see Terezi standing beside him -- the real Terezi. He grabbed onto her arm, crawling up her side to pull himself up. "Terezi! Is that really you?"

"John?" She looked over him, her expression scrutinizing. "I've been looking all over for you. Where were you?"

"With Terezi!" He said, pointing to the girl beside him. She was still hunched over with laughter.

"Oh my god, John," Terezi gripped him by the wrists and pulled him all the way up. "How much have you had to drink?"

"You're the one who gave me the drinks! You tell me!" His words came out blurred together, a mixture of barely discernible noises. Terezi scrunched her face at him in confusion and he threw his hands in the air, knocking himself off balance. He fell against the wall and slowly slid down until his ass met the ground. Laughter erupted from his throat and he pushed his hand over his mouth, trying to stop it.

Terezi kneeled down next to him. "Will you be ok alone for a few minutes?"

John nodded, laughter still seeping from between his fingertips. Then Terezi was gone. His face was hot and damp. Not-Terezi was sitting beside him, handing him another drink. He spilt most of it on his shirt, and wondered how long they'd been sitting there. Where had Terezi gone? How long had she been gone? Not-Terezi was leaning against him now, and she was warm and soft, so that was nice, but it was also too warm. He preferred someone else's warmth. A more ironic warmth.

"Not-Terezi, I miss Bro," he said to the girl beside him.

"You miss bras?" She asked.

"No no no, not bras, Bro! He's like my -- "

"Boyfriend." It was another new voice, coming from above them.

John looked up to see aviators and blonde hair pointed down at him. "Dave!"

"Yeah, it's me," Dave said, crouching down in front of him. "Your knight in shining armor, here to rescue you from your own drunken stupor."

"Yay, rescue!" John lifted his hands in the air.

Dave grabbed onto his wrists, tugging him up. "Yay, rescue, woohoo. Now say good-bye to your new friend."

As soon a s John was standing, he dropped forward, letting all of his weight fall against Dave. He waved his hand at no one in particular and said, "good-bye, friend!"

Not-Terezi stood up. She had a pen in her hand and grabbed onto John's wrist, scribbling something in his palm. She said something, but John couldn't make out the words she said.

"Hey, what'd I say?" Dave said, tugging John's hand out of her grip. "He's got a boyfriend, Judy, and so do you."

She said something and Dave replied, but John couldn't make out what it was they were saying. He felt himself being pulled in a direction and he followed, clinging on to Dave so he didn't fall over. They pushed through the crowd and went through a doorway and then John felt cool air on his face. He let out a moan and then Dave let go of him. He stumbled for a moment, catching himself before he fell. He stayed still for a few moments, smiled, and moved his foot to take a step forward, then fell onto the ground.

"Jesus, Egbert." Dave shook his head at him. "Just stay there, ok? Stop trying to...move."

He stayed there, half-lying and half-sitting, as Dave pulled out his phone.

"Hey, Bro. Yeah. Can we get a ride now? Egbert's shitfaced so I thought we'd leave early -- stop laughing, dude -- ok, yeah, I know it _sounds_ hilarious, but he is literally lying face-down in a clump of grass with his ass sticking in the air -- do not even make a fucking sexual innuendo right now, ok -- be cool, dude, and pick us up -- Bro -- just get your ass over here and pick me and your boyfriend up, _please_."

He hung up the phone and John pushed himself up. "Dave?"

"John."

"You keep calling us boyfriends."

Dave walked back toward him, holding a hand out to help John up. "No shit, Sherlock. That's what you are, isn't it?" John shrugged and Dave rolled his eyes. "You've been boning each other behind my back for almost four months now. I'd say that's pretty fucking boyfriendly."

"We're not boyfriends though," John said, wobbling in place. Something tugged at his mind, telling him that he should probably stop talking soon, but he was more concerned about the numbness of his face then closing his mouth at the moment. "We're, like...label-less."

"How, like...progressive of you," Dave said in a mocking tone. "That my brother's idea?"

"No, I don't know..." John was leaning to his side now, resting his head against Dave's shoulder. God, he was tired. His face was numb and his mouth was dry and he just wanted to go to sleep. "It's like...he kept asking me what I wanted from him, and I was like 'I don't know,' and he was like, 'forget about Dave; what do you want?' and I was like 'don't make me leave, Dirk,' and then we snuggled."

"Wow, what a riveting tale, truly breathtaking," Dave said, wrapping an arm around John to keep him upright. "But what the hell do I have to do with it?"

"Becaaauuuuuuuse," John said. "It would have been weird, wouldn't it? If we had been boyfriends when you didn't know."

Dave was shaking his head now. "Your drunk ass is making so little sense, man."

"I would be saying the exact same thing if I was sober!"

"No, you wouldn't," Dave said. He pulled John in front of him, gripping his shoulders and looking into his eyes. "John, my bro likes you a grotesque amount. It truly sickens me, ok? But I love you and I...care about him, so if you two assholes really want to be together, then I want you to be together, but...don't use me as an excuse, ok? Don't hold back on him because of my issues."

"Aw, Dave!" John lunged forward, wrapping his arms around Dave. "You're such a nice guy!"

"Don't I fuckin' know it," Dave said, returning the hug.

John chewed on his lip. "I wish...I wish your bro was here."

"Wow, way to ruin a fucking moment, dickhead."

"Daaave!" John squeezed his arms. "I just...ugh! He's so hot, y'know?"

"Ok, dude, seriously," Dave took a step back, trying to remove himself from John's grip, but he only ended up pulling John with him.

"No, Dave, like...seriously! That dude! Ugh, like...I just love that guy, y'know?"

Dave froze in place. "You...do?"

John nodded against Dave, a sick feeling forming in his stomach. He wrote it off as the amount of alcohol he'd consumed. "But I can't...tell him. That you know. Becuase if I did, he'd want me to tell him what I want, y'know?"

"No, John, I do not know."

"Daaave!" John pulled away from him. "I just don't want things to change, y'know? It's...scary."

"Would you stop saying 'y'know'?" Dave said. "I _don't_ know, dude, and I know less and less every time you ask me that." John furrowed his brow and pouted and Dave rolled his eyes. "Ok, fuck, you're right, I totally get it. You're in love with my bro but you don't want to tell him 'cause you're a dumbass."

" _Dave._ "

" _John._ "

John let out a "hmph" and then leaned forward in another hug. "I'm really sleepy."

"Well, don't fall asleep on me, dude, I don't want your slobber all over my clothes."

John ignored him, dropping his forehead against Dave's shoulder. He closed his eyes and was out in minutes.

\----------------------------------------------------------------

John was snoring when Dave saw Bro's truck pull into the driveway. Bro climbed out of the cab, gave a scrutinizing look over John, who was asleep in the grass, gave a questioning look to Dave, and Dave just shrugged. Bro returned the shrug. He pointed his foot to a patch of vomit in the grass.

"That John's?"

Dave grunted and nodded his head. Bro pursed his lips and let out a tuft of air before kneeling down to hoist John over his shoulders. He wore a small smile as he did so and Dave rolled his eyes. These two assholes.

Bro propped John up in the middle seat. John mumbled something incoherent but didn't wake. When Dave and Bro sat down on other side of him, he stirred, and Dave thought for a moment he might wake up, but he only readjusted himself so he could lean his head on Bro's shoulder and wrap his arms around Bro's. Bro smirked and Dave rolled his eyes even harder. Ass. Holes.

They sat in comfortable silence for most of the ride. Until John breathed out Bro's name and then Dave couldn't take it anymore.

"Bro, we need to talk."

Bro's shoulders stiffened and his grip tightened against the wheel. "'Bout what?"

"I know, y'know." _Fuck._ He cringed and made a mental not to kick John. "About you and John, I mean. I know that you guys are...whatever."

"I figured you might," Bro said, letting out a heavy sigh. "John's not exactly what I'd call _inconspicuous._ "

 _Neither are you, asshole_ , Dave thought.

"How long have you known?" Bro asked.

"I don't know; a while, I guess." Dave turned to look at the window. "I realized something was going on back at Rose's house."

_Thank you for getting too drunk to function, John, because this is exactly how I wanted to spend my night._

"I guess I'll have to tell John tomorrow," Bro said.

"He already knows." Dave shifted in his seat. "I told him yesterday, but...he asked me not to tell you."

"So why are you telling me?"

Dave could feel Bro's gaze on him, could hear the tone in his voice change. "Don't get mad at _me_ , ok? I'm not the one keeping secrets from you. I don't know why he didn't want me to tell you; I figured he just wanted to tell you himself, but he said some stuff tonight, and...I just don't feel comfortable keeping it from you, alright? It seemed like John might have a less-than-honorable reason for hiding it, so I told you. I just...don't want you to get hurt. Or whatever."

Bro was silent for a minute after. Dave relaxed when he finally felt Bro's glare leave him and focus back on the road. He mumbled something which Dave couldn't hear.

"What?"

"I said _thanks_ , Dave," Bro snapped. "I appreciate you...looking out for me."

"'Salright," Dave mumbled. He turned towards the window and they fell back into silence. He wondered if John would be upset with him when he sobered up, but if he was, let him be. He was sick of being a part of their bullshit. He didn't care anymore.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> john "is it...is it alcohol?" egbert aka me the first time i got drunk
> 
> good times


	27. I Will Kick Your Hungover Ass All the Way Back to New York

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> John is hungover. Dave is upset. Bro is confused.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> so apparently bro calling john "madokabert" is a thing that people [really](http://riceballhika.tumblr.com/post/44973529948/okay-so-i-was-this-brojohn-fic-and-bro-kept) [really](http://tertiarycat.tumblr.com/post/48561554416/cries-because-bro-john-fanfic-omg-situation-in) like but people seem to be under the impression that this is a thing that i thought up all on my own. [it is not](http://peachypopo.tumblr.com/post/42819354687/brodingershat-unicornfarmer-brodingershat). i should make a list of every tumblr reference in this fic when i'm done with it but i doubt i'd even be able to spot/remember them all.
> 
> this chapter gets kind of bloody at the end, just an fyi for those squirmish readers.

_Ngh._

_No. Sleep. Come back to me, sleep._

John grunted and rolled over. He felt the familiar firmness of the Striders' futon beneath him. As consciousness grasped at him, he almost felt ok, physically -- there was something tugging at his mind, warning him to be cautious about his movements, but he ignored it to rut around on the futon, trying to find a more comfortable position. His stomach jerked as he did so, causing him to freeze in place and moan, clutching at his waist.

_Oh god I think I'm dying._

His chin was tucked into his chest, his face burrowing into the mattress, when he felt something warm and firm and smooth brushing his hair back. He realized it was a hand so strained one eye open and turned his head to see Bro spread out beside him.

"John?"

John answered with a grunt and closed his eye.

"How's the hangover?"

Another grunt.

"How much did you have to drink?"

John shrugged against the mattress and buried his face deeper into his pillow.

"Don't remember?"

John shook his head against the mattress.

"Do you remember who Judy is?"

"Who?" He twisted his head to face Bro, opening his eyes and trying not to be sick as he did so. "Who's Judy?"

Bro reached forward and tugged at John's hand, pulling it forward between the two of them. "Her name's written on your hand."

John squinted at his palm. There was a barely discernible "JUDY" printed in black ink and a few numbers -- the beginnings of a phone number, most likely. His mind raced to the night before and he recalled Dave tugging him away as Not Terezi tried to scrawl something on his hand. "Must be Not Terezi," he mumbled. His mouth was dry as he tried in vain to lick his lips. "I have such bad cottonmouth right now."

"You should hear your voice. It's terrible."

"Is it?" John flinched at the sound of his voice. It _was_ bad. It was scratchy and squeaky and it sounded like he was going through puberty all over again, this time with terrible dry mouth. "Jeez, I sound awful."

"Yeah, you sound like a quiet Gilbert Gottfried. Back to not Terezi," Bro tugged lightly on the wrist in his hands to get John's attention. "Dave said when he went to collect you, you two were snuggled pretty close together. Any comment?"

"Are you...jealous?" John leaned forward to watch Bro's reaction. His eyes twitched as if they were fighting back a roll. "You are jealous!"

"So what if I am jealous? I have a right to be, don't I?" Bro dropped John's hand and sat up, the blanket sliding off of him to reveal his bare chest. There was a small light purple mark that John had convinced Bro to let him leave the other day after paintball. The hand Bro had dropped reached up to caress it, but Bro smacked it away. "John, can you stay focused for two seconds?"

"Sorry," John propped himself up on his elbows, immediately regretting the action as his stomach churned, "I just...don't see why you're upset. It's just some dumb girl at a party. You know I'm not even into girls, right?"

Bro's lips were pulled in a taut line and suddenly his hangover wasn't the only thing making John's stomach turn. "You don't think I have a reason to be upset?" Bro asked.

"Um...no?"

"Just like you didn't have a reason to be jealous about me spending time with Jane?"

"That's...different!" John sat up the rest of the way, squinting at the blurry image of Bro in front of him and wishing he had his glasses. Bro's hand extended out, holding the glasses as if he had read John's mind. John mumbled a 'thanks' as he took them and pushed them onto his face. When they were secure on the bridge of his nose, he went back to glaring at Bro. "Who said I was jealous of that anyway?"

"John, please."

He frowned. "Ok, fine. But...there was no possibility of anything happening with me and that girl at the party. I wouldn't cheat on you, no matter how drunk I was."

"But you would consider it cheating?"

"Well, _duh_! Wouldn't you?"

"It's hard to figure out what constitutes cheating when I have no idea what you see _us_ as."

"Oh. _Oh_." John had just realized where this conversation was headed, and it wasn't something he particularly wanted to touch on right now.

"Yeah, _oh_." Bro was frowning at him, his eyebrows raised and arms crossed.

John tugged at Bro's arms. "Dirk, do we really have to have this conversation _now_? While I feel this awful?" He tugged harder and Bro's arms came undone, his hands falling in line with John's and twining together. His expression stayed the same though.

"I know that Dave knows, John."

"...Oh."

"And I know that you told him not to tell me that he knows."

" _Oh_..."

Bro pulled his hands away and John felt like his heart was being tugged in multiple directions. "Would you stop saying 'oh'? Just...talk to me."

John clung his hands together, fidgeting and shrugging and trying not to look up at Bro. "What do you want me to say?"

"Is it really this hard?" Bro tugged at John's chin, pulling his gaze up so their eyes met. "Can't you just give me an explanation?"

"I was...afraid of this conversation, I guess." John pulled his chin out of Bro's grip. Instead, he wrapped his arms around Bro's waist, ignoring the sickness in his gut and pulling Bro toward him. "I feel like shit, Bro. Can I at least sleep a little longer before we do this?"

Bro pulled away, disentangling himself from John. He glared down at John and John felt his heart drop into his stomach. He pointed his nose to the ground and he felt like a dog who had been reprimanded. "I've been waiting to have this conversation for three months," Bro said. "I was considerate enough not to bring it on you on Pesterchum and Skype. Don't you think I deserve to have it _now_?"

He was right. Of course he was right. John nodded and took a deep breath. This was what he had been gearing up for when he first arrived, wasn't it? But he had been too selfish and impatient and anxious to bring it up. Now he had no choice; he had put it off for too long. So he released the breath he had been holding and opened his mouth to form words, but as soon as he had a sick feeling crept up his esophagus, threatening to spill out of his mouth. He threw a hand over his lips and as the expression of concern on Bro's face turned to one of realization and alarm, John was springing up and bolting towards the bathroom. In seconds, he was retching into the toilet.

\----------------------------------------------------------------

The sounds of John blowing chunks in the bathroom could be heard from the kitchen as Bro entered it. He sighed and rubbed his eyes because he was tired. Tired because he'd just woken up, tired of waiting for John, tired of putting himself in this situation over and over again. Pain had never really been his thing like it was John's, but maybe he was a masochist after all. Maybe it was more emotional pain that he craved.

Silence came from the bathroom and Bro heard a door open. He expected to see John walk out of the hallway but was instead given Dave, wearing nothing but boxers. His feet dragged as he trudged into the kitchen and when Bro commented on it, Dave gave him the middle finger.

There was still silence from the bathroom, but now Bro had the noise of Dave moving through the kitchen, rummaging for the apple juice to keep him company. Within minutes, they were standing in the kitchen together, sipping on coffee and apple juice in a comfortable silence. Until Dave spoke.

"Where's John?"

Bro inclined his head toward the hall. "Bathroom."

"Did you talk to him yet?"

Bro's shoulder twitched at the question. "Not yet."

"Why not?"

"Don't you have your own relationship to worry about?" Bro glared at Dave over his cup of coffee. "Since you are neither me or John, I would appreciate you staying out of our shit."

Dave shook his head, his expression blank behind those shades and suddenly Bro was jealous of the security and wished he had grabbed his own shades before leaving the futon. "Not gonna happen," Dave said. "At least not until you two learn to deal with your _shit_ like adults."

Dave sure could be an annoying little prick when he wanted to be and he was annoying the hell out of Bro at the moment. Bro stayed silent and stoic behind his cup of coffee, ignoring Dave's gaze and wishing his shades would magically appear on the bridge of his nose. Minutes passed as the two of them sipped silently at their drinks before John finally emerged, grimacing and dragging his feet even worse than Dave.

"I think I'm dying," John moaned out as he dropped his forehead against Bro's shoulder. Bro looked down at John and saw his messy dark hair, then looked a little further down, past the shirt he wore and down to his boxers -- which he was just now realizing matched Dave's. They both wore grey boxers covered in pale red diamonds, and it suddenly struck Bro just how close they were, because at some point they had both actively gone out and bought matching underwear. And wore it regularly. Dave had probably purchased them for irony's sake, or at least under the guise of irony, but John had no doubt completely sincere intentions when purchasing them -- maybe even more than platonic intentions, depending on when they were purchased. The thought caused pangs of jealousy to sprout in his stomach and he felt almost as sick as John looked.

"You're not dying," Dave said, interrupting Bro's thoughts, "you're just a dumbass."

"No," John rolled his head to face Dave, "I'm definitely dying. I don't think I would feel like this unless I was dying." He wrapped his arms around Bro's waist, pressing his weight against the Strider. Bro could practically hear Dave's eyes rolling behind his shades. It was a nice sound. What was even nicer was how visibly uncomfortable John's arms around Bro's waist made Dave. Now that they were out to Dave, Bro could finally begin to take advantage of the discomfort Dave felt at their displays of affection. He held his coffee in one hand as he moved the other arm around John's side, pulling John closer to him. He knew he should be upset with John right now, that he should be pushing him away instead of pulling him closer, but he'd rather not have that discussion in front of Dave. Besides, it was worth postponing it for the way Dave shuffled in place awkwardly.

"It's your very first hangover. I'm proud," Bro said. "You should cherish what you're feeling."

"It feels awful," John gripped his arms more tightly around Bro, putting even more of his weight against him. Bro had to take a step back to hold the both of them up. "I remember throwing up last night, but...I don't remember _where_ I threw up."

"There were a couple places," Dave said. "There was the one time in Terezi's lawn, and the second time was in the bucket that my bro had lovingly set out beside the futon."

"Oh, uh, anywhere else?"

"You'd have to ask Bro. I went to bed after that."

"Bro?" John pulled away to look up at him. Bro looked down at him and John's face looked so concerned and hopeful and young; Bro wanted to lean down and kiss him, but he didn't. John spoke again. "Did you, like...take care of me?" Bro only shrugged and ran a hand through the sweat-drenched hair plastered to John's forehead, pushing it back and away from his face. "Uh...thanks," John said, tucking his head down into Bro's shoulder again. "Sorry I got so...wasted. I don't really remember what happened."

"You got shit-faced, that's what happened," Dave said. "and now Terezi's feeling guilty, like she turned you into an alcoholic or something."

"Tell her I'm sorry," John said. he lifted his head back up to look at Dave. "It's not her fault. I just got...caught up, I guess."

"I'm just sorry I wasn't there to see it," Bro said, lifting his hand to flick his fingers against John's nose. John swiped the hand away and rubbed at his nose, scrunching his face. "Hell, I'm sorry I wasn't there to participate," Bro continued. "It's been awhile since I've gone all-out."

"You should see him when he's drunk," Dave said. "He turns into Angry Feminist Bro Strider when he's had too much to drink."

"Hey, I'm always Angry Feminist Bro Strider," Bro held his mug of coffee up over his heart, "the booze just helps me remember."

Dave pushed himself away from the counter he was leaning against to deposit his empty glass into the sink. He turned around to glare at the couple across from him. "How much booze is it gonna take to remind you that you and John have _shit_ to discuss, Bro?"

John tensed up against him and Bro silently cursed Dave. "How much of my foot in your ass is it gonna take to remind you to mind your own damn business, Dave?" He asked, glaring right back at Dave.

"Hey," John pinched him in the side and frowned. "Be nice to Dave."

"I'll be nice when Dave gives us some privacy." Bro pulled away to set his mug down on the counter behind him and John whined in protest. He ignored the noise, leaning back and crossing his arms, raising his eyebrows to Dave. "I said we need privacy, so scram."

"Fuck no," Dave stared right back at Bro, his arms crossed defiantly and his shoulders pulled taut behind him, "I gotta stay here to make sure you two dickweeds get your shit sorted."

Bro didn't miss a beat before he grabbed onto John's wrist and stepped across the kitchen, dragging John with him. He stopped at the counter beside Dave. John yelped as Bro's hands gripped onto his waist and lifted him in the air, setting him down on the counter. Bro felt a knot of guilt for moving John around so quickly while already so nauseous but it faded as he looked back to Dave.

"You can leave, or you can watch me and John make-out on the counter."

"Ew, dude, seriously?" Dave said with a grimace.

"Bro?" John lifted a hand up to cover his mouth. "I have serious vomit breath right now. Do you really wanna kiss a dude who has serious vomit breath?"

"I can power through it," Bro said. He grabbed onto John's legs, wrapping them around his waist, and John's hands automatically went to his shoulders. He looked back at Dave. "So what's it gonna be?"

"Fine." Dave raised his hands in defeat. "I'll go watch TV."

"Or you could go into another room entirely, like your bedroom. Or leave the apartment."

"I'll go watch TV," Dave repeated, grabbing the container of apple juice and walking past the linoleum tiles until they turned into carpet. Bro watched as he walked through the living room and sat down in front of the futon, flipping the TV on. At the sound of the familiar humming of basic cable news, he turned back to John.

"So," John said, sighing as his shoulders dropped, "we're not gonna make-out, are we?"

"Nope." Bro unwrapped John's legs from around his waist and stepped to the side, leaning against the sink and occupying the space Dave had just left. "We're gonna talk about us."

"Ok." John rested his hands against the countertop and slouched forward, kicking his legs back and forth. "What about us?"

"John." Bro set a hand on his knee to still them and John looked up at him, his eyes wide and guilty. "I need to know what you want from me. I need to know what I am to you. I can't let a sixteen-year-old keep stringing me along."

"I'll be seventeen soon!" John said, his lip jutting out and his brow furrowing. "And I wasn't stringing you along!"

"Don't play dumb with me, John," Bro's voice was raising now out of habit. This level was usually enough to get Dave off his back, but John was glaring back at him just as strongly as ever. "You keep avoiding this topic, the one that is obviously pretty important to me or else I wouldn't continuously bring it up. And you lied about Dave; _you had Dave lie for you._ That is stringing me along, and no matter how badly you don't want to be the bad guy, in this case, no one thinks the sun is shining out of your ass."

That seemed to strike a chord with John, because his face had morphed into something familiar and painful. It was the _smad_ snarl/pout/frown that Bro had seen so many times when he had devoted so much time to stalking John after Christmas. It had returned, and it made Bro feel just as self-loathing as he had felt when he first saw it.

" _I'm_ the bad guy?" John jumped down from the counter and moved in front of Bro, who was quickly realizing just how much taller John had gotten since the last time Bro'd seen him. It wasn't much, but he was almost eye-level to Bro now. John's finger dug into Bro's chest as he spoke again. "What about you? We spent three months talking online, and I barely learned one thing about you besides your middle name, and that was just because you lost a bet. You never tell me anything. You just make jokes about how perverted I am or how dorky I am and then top it off by calling me ' _kid_ ' or 'Madokabert' or something else creepy and weeaboo-y."

Bro gripped John's finger in his hand and pushed back, pressing their fists against John's chest. "One: I'm a low-key dude; I don't give a lot of info about myself freely. If you want to know something about me, just ask. It's as simple as that. Two: The fact that you think that's an excuse for stringing me along proves that you _are_ a kid, _Madokabert_."

The smad look turned even smadder, which Bro hadn't thought possible, as John jerked his hand out of Bro's grip and hugged his arms across his chest. "I like what we have, Bro! I didn't want anything to change. I could deal with you calling me 'kid' and being all _mysterious_ as long as we still had something. But I wasn't trying to string you along or hurt you."

"It doesn't matter what your intentions were; it fuckin' hurts, John." Bro lifted his hands to grip onto John's and squeezed. "If you need more time to figure out what you want, I can respect that, but...I can't let this continue. I can't stay on this ride when I have no idea where it's headed. I know what I want from you."

John squeezed back and his face softened. "You do?"

"I've known since New Year's." Bro squeezed once more then dropped his hands, leaning back away from John. "But until you know what you want, we have to stop."

John stood there, staring down at the floor and biting his lip as blush dotted his cheeks. Bro waited, leaning back against the counter, expecting John to say something. The silence grew longer and John still wasn't speaking. Bro felt disappointed, but he wasn't about to push anything onto John, so he stepped forward, away from the sink, meaning to walk out of the kitchen until he was stopped by John's hand pushing him back against the counter.

"What do you want?" John asked, his face still pointed towards the ground. "From me, I mean. You said you knew what you wanted, so...what is it?"

Bro responded by pulling John's hand away from his chest and pressing it against his cheek, muttering his answer into John's wrist. "I want everything. I want to know everything about you and I want you to know everything about me. I want to take you on dates and do sickly adorable things like hold hands while we skip through the park and I want to throw you against the futon afterwards and kiss you so hard that you bruise and bite you so hard that you bleed because I have this sick feeling that you would love it more than anything else we've ever done. I want you all to myself. I don't want to share you with anyone else. I want you to want me just as much as I want you."

John was looking up at him now, his cheeks completely red. "That sounds pretty boyfriendly."

"Then I want to be boyfriends."

"That's not exactly what I was expecting."

"What were you expecting?"

"Um," he was back to looking at his feet as they shuffled against the floor, his hand clenching and unclenching as Bro held it against his cheek. He wondered if he should let John's hand go, but this was it. They were finally discussing this. Depending on how this conversation went, this could be the last time Bro would feel John's palm against his cheek. "When you said that stuff back in January," John continued, "I thought you were saying that you wanted...a different kind of relationship. Like, something more _mature_ or whatever."

"Basically," Bro said, "you thought I just wanted a fuck-buddy."

John nodded, his expression turning sheepish. "I didn't, at first, but the more I thought about what _I_ wanted, the more I thought about whether or not that coincided with what _you_ wanted."

Bro pulled their hands down to hang between the two of them, keeping his grip light so escape for either of them would be quick. "Is that what you want? A fuck buddy?"

"Well, uh, I wouldn't -- "

He was interrupted by a slam as Dave threw the controller against the wall on the opposite side of the apartment. Their hands flew apart in shock at the noise. "God, you two are so infuriating, you know that?" Dave stood up and headed back towards the kitchen. "I can't believe I have to deal with this shit."

"Hey," Bro said, pointing a finger towards Dave, "what did I say about privacy?"

"Screw your privacy." He swatted at Bro's finger and pointed his own at John. "I'm sick of your bullshit, John."

"Me?" John put a hand up to his chest defensively. "What did I do?"

"What did you do?" Dave said, his eyes narrowing and his lip curling. "Four months, John. Four months of you ignoring me _for my brother_. And he ignored me for you too. Two of the most important people in my life, ignoring me for each other. The two of you were states apart, yet somehow managed to stay completely inside this little _BroJohn bubble_ where only the two of you exist. And now you won't even fucking commit to him? After you confessed how fucking _in love_ with him you were last night? And don't try to tell me it was just the booze talking; I know you well enough to know when you mean something. Fuck this. Me and you. Roof. Now."

"Um...what?" John looked back at Dave, only confusion on his face. Bro was frozen in place, feeling just as disoriented as John looked. Not only was Dave defending his honor, but had he just said that John was in...with him... 

"For three months," Dave said, "not one real strife. A few pity scuffles, but that's it. That's all I got from him. Besides sharing tips on shadewear care, those strifes were all I had with my bro. And you took them away from me, so you're going to make up for it. Now. On the roof."

 _Oh._ Dave missed strifing. _Dave missed strifing._ He had to admit, he missed it too. It wasn't entirely John's fault that the strifing had stopped, Bro was just...feeling guilty. He had been avoiding Dave for the last three months because he still felt anxious about fooling around with his little brother's best friend, despite telling himself he was ok with it.

John's face turned from confused to agitated quickly. "Dude, what are you talking about? Are you trying to say that I stole Bro from you? Because I didn't. I didn't steal anything. He's been right here, in Texas, the entire time. At least you had the real thing! All I got were pesterlogs and a few measly Skype calls!"

"Well, I wouldn't call them measly," Bro said, attempting to interject.

The two turned to Bro, glares still on their face, and snapped, "shut up, Bro!" in unison before returning to glare at each other.

"That was the worst part, John," Dave said. "You weren't even here and you had all of his attention. _All of it_."

"Yeah, well what do you think it was like when you started dating Terezi?" John snapped. "That went on for six months! You ignored me, Rose, and Jade! And I bet you ignored your Bro too!"

Bro made a second attempt. "Actually, most of their dates were here. I was practically a chaperon -- "

"Shut up, Bro!" Again, in unison.

John narrowed his eyes at Dave. "I don't have my hammer. How do you expect me to strife without a hammer?"

"Wait right here." Dave left the kitchen and headed down the hallway.

Bro stared at John incredulously as they waited. "Are you seriously gonna go through with this?" John ignored him and walked to the other side of the kitchen. Bro followed him as Dave emerged from the hallway, wielding his shitty sword and a brand new blue hammer.

"Here, I was going to give it to you on Sunday, but whatever," he said, holding the hammer out to John. "Sorry it's not wrapped. Happy fucking birthday."

"Thanks," John said, still glaring as he snatched the gift from Dave. "Alright then. Let's do it."

"John, think about this," Bro said, stepping between the two of them. "You are hungover as shit right now -- "

"Bro, shut -- "

" _No_ , I will not shut up." He reached out on either side of him and grabbed a handful of John and Dave ear each, pulling them towards him and ignoring their cries. "You're acting like children. Strifing, Dave, really? What the fuck kind of way is that to treat your hungover friend?"

"It's what you'd do, isn't it?" Dave said, jerking his head out of Bro's grasp. "Something's bothering you, so you strife it out, right? At least I'm actually facing the thing I have a problem with instead of taking it out on my kid brother."

Bro's hand dropped from John's ear. "Dave, that's not --"

"C'mon, John," Dave said, ignoring Bro's gaze.

John followed Dave out of the apartment and Bro could do little but stare dumbfounded at them as they left. It was like a switch went off in his head after they'd closed the door.

_They didn't even put clothes on before leaving._

What a couple of brats, going to strife up on the roof in nothing but their underwear. Their _matching_ underwear. The thought almost made Bro laugh. Instead of laughing, he grabbed his shades and threw on a shirt before heading toward the roof, because his little brother (who was pissed off and rather chivalrous, apparently) and his possibly-significant other (who was incredibly hungover) had just left to fight each other on the roof of his building.

When he reached the roof, the two had already begun fighting. John's movements were sluggish, but Bro could tell that given the right conditions and a hammer he knew well enough, John could give either Strider a run for his money. Dave wasn't exactly at the top of his game, either. He was too emotional, too eager to give death-blows rather than going with the flow and taking what he could get. Despite their sloppy technique, Bro knew that neither of them would hurt the other...intentionally, that is. It was probably still best for everyone if he ended this skirmish as soon as possible.

"Hey, guys," Bro shouted. They ignored him. Of course they had ignored him. "John," he tried again and got a flick of the eyes towards him from John. "What the hell are you doing?"

"I'm sorry Bro, but...he started it!" John dodged a swipe at his arm and sent his hammer towards Dave's knees, barely missing.

Bro tried calling out to Dave next, but Dave's focus was clear and directed towards John. He considered letting them fight it out until they either killed each other or John ran off to puke somewhere, but he thought both of those options would end up creating a mess that he would inevitably have to clean up, so he decided instead that he needed a new tactic. If only he had brought his katana upstairs with him; he could easily take these two goons on. He needed to surprise them, to get between the two of them and maybe grab their ears again. He thought for a moment, watching their sporadic movements against each other, and suddenly inspiration struck.

He continued to watch them, waiting minutes until an opening presented itself, and as soon as they were mere feet apart, he flash-stepped between the two of them. It worked; he surprised them. But they didn't have the reaction he was hoping for. Instead of pausing out of shock, they both struck forward simultaneously out of alarm. Bro dodged the sword coming at his neck, instead coming face-to-face with John's brand new hammer.

Bro heard a crunch and a crack and he was on the ground, pain consuming the majority of his head.

"Dirk!" He heard John cry out and felt hands groping at his chest and face, unsure where to put themselves; but he couldn't see anything past the blood flooding his eyes.

"Holy shit Bro what the hell." He heard Dave behind him. "What did you do that for?!"

"Fuck," Bro muttered out. He felt his head being lifted and placed in John's lap. John leaned down and kissed him and Bro could still taste vomit and blood on his breath but he didn't mind. He kissed back, feeling dizzy as his hand gripped tightly into the neck of John's shirt.

John pulled away and Bro could almost make out his face through the blood. "Oh my god, Bro, please don't die, please don't die, I'm so sorry, please don't die. This was so stupid, I never should have agreed to fight Dave. You were right, about everything. I should have told you what I wanted months ago but I couldn't get over the fact that you lost your virginity to mom but I don't care anymore, it doesn't matter, I want to be your boyfriend or your fuck-buddy or whatever we can be whatever you want just please don't die _please don't die_!"

Bro pulled himself up by the collar of John's shirt, his vision growing foggy with blood again. "I lost my virginity to...Roxy?"

"Yeah, but I don't care!" John was nodding fervently, anxiously, as he looked down at Bro. "She told me, and it made me anxious because I wasn't sure if you liked girls more than guys or if you wished that I was a girl or what, but I don't care as long as you're ok."

"John, I didn't lose my virginity to Roxy," Bro said, his head dropping back against John's lap.

"You...what?"

"Ok, can we stop for a second," Dave said. "This is gettin' pretty T-M-fucking-I. I don't know if I need to be hearing this."

Bro ignored him. "I didn't lose my virginity to Roxy," he repeated.

John's hands loosened their grip on Bro. "Oh. Then who was it?"

"It was...uh..." Bro strained his mind, but that was hard to do. There was a lot of blood clouding his vision. He tried to keep a straight head, reminding himself that head wounds bleed a lot, no matter how shallow they were, but the light-headedness wasn't helping. His mind raced, going back over the years, trying to remember that first time -- who had it been? It was someone a couple of years older, someone smart, too smart for him, someone he had admired for a long time --

Oh no.

It _was_ Roxy.

Bro let out another "Fuck" before passing out in John's lap.


	28. Boyfriends

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> In which Bro and John have a very long conversation in the Striders' bathroom and John uses my favorite threat: a punch to the butt.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> /sighs
> 
> i'm having laptop issues. i lost all of my notes for this fic and spent the majority of yesterday rocking back and forth and laughing hysterically while staring at my laptop screen. i even lost the really terrible parappa the rapper style rap for dave i had written that i was going to squeeze in before john left texas.
> 
> don't hold your breath waiting for the next chapter. it's gonna be awhile.

The bathroom of the Striders' apartment had never seemed as small as it did with John, Dave, and Bro crowded inside of it. Dave and John had helped Bro climb down from the roof after he regained consciousness. He hadn't been out for long, but it still terrified John.

Currently, Bro was sitting on the edge of the bathtub while Dave tended to his injuries. Dave was acting so calm as he wiped the blood away from Bro's face, as if this was a perfectly natural occurence, as if it was _normal_. It probably was normal to Dave, John realized. This was what the Striders did: they fought each other, then bandaged each other up afterwards. It was new territory for John. Sure, he'd strifed before, but never seriously. He'd never _injured_ someone before, let alone this bad. Let alone someone he cared this much about.

He felt helpless as he watched, clinging onto Bro's shades between his hands, while the blood was cleaned away and the fresh cuts and bruises on Bro's skin were revealed. His hands wrung around the shades tightly and he wondered if he should leave the room. This was a Strider ritual unfolding before him. Was he intruding by watching? He couldn't bring himself to leave, even if he was intruding. So he kneeled down, sitting on the floor in front of them and watching as they went through the motions.

"Hey," Bro's hand reached out to run through John's hair. "You ok?"

"How can you ask _me_ that?" John said, pulling Bro's hand down to rest between his palms. "I hit you in the face. With a hammer."

"It's not the first time I've been hit in the face with a hammer."

John's stomach churned and he grimaced. "Is that supposed to make me feel better?"

"Chill, dude," Dave said, looking up from the stitching he was pulling through a gash across Bro's forehead. "I've hit him way worse than this with harder shit than a hammer."

"You've hit him with something harder than a hammer?!" The grip John had on Bro's hand tightened.

"Eh," Dave turned his attention back to the stitching and shrugged, "maybe not harder than a hammer, but definitely bigger than one."

"How are either of you even _alive_?" John said. He let go of Bro's hand, crawling forward towards the side of Bro that Dave wasn't working on and turning to lean his side against Bro's leg. Bro's hand went to his hair again, tugging John closer, and he pressed his forehead into Bro's knee. "I could have really hurt you. I could have _killed_ you."

John heard the sound of two nearly identical laughs and looked up, frowning. Bro was holding a hand under his nose, trying to catch the blood that his laughter was causing to drip down; Dave's hand hovered just above Bro's forehead, holding a needle and shaking with laughter.

"Why are you two laughing?"

Bro snorted out a final laugh before answering. "The idea of you being capable of seriously injuring or _killing_ me, dude, it's fuckin' hilarious."

"C'mon, Bro," Dave's laughter had decreased enough so he could speak between laughs, "he _did_ manage to give you a pretty sick facelift."

"It's a shame my face broke his hammer in half in the process," Bro said.

John sat up straighter and stared up at Bro with his jaw slacked. "Dude, I literally _broke your face_."

Bro took one of John's hands and lifted it, closing it into a fist and knocking it against his left temple. "You feel how hard this thing is? Harder than a diamond, and certainly tougher than that piece of shit hammer it cracked in half. You may have given me a good gash 'cross the forehead and broken my nose, but I _killed_ your hammer. that thing is lying in a pile of ashes on the roof."

"It's not in a pile of ashes," John said, flicking Bro's temple before pulling his hand free. "It's just the head that broke off. I was probably holding it wrong or something. I doubt your skull is literally _that_ strong."

"No, dude, it is," Dave confirmed, his attention back on his stitchwork. "I've broken hammers on his head before."

"Seriously? Hammers, _plural_?" John ased, looking back at Bro. He nodded and John leaned forward, pushing his hand into Bro's hair. "This is like, everyday for you guys, isn't it? This is just...the Strider lifestyle."

"Pretty much," Dave said with a roll of his shoulders as he leaned back to examine his work. "Or at least, it used to be." The room went silent and the tension increased from none to maximum as soon as the words had left Dave's mouth. Bro tensed beneath John's hands, and Bro opened his mouth to speak but was cut off by Dave, who raised his hands up to his chest and took a step back. "Look, I'm not trying to start shit right now, ok? I'm all done, so...why don't you guys just...get your whatever sorted and I'll, like...go find the vicodin. I'm sure you have a killer headache, Bro."

Bro nodded and stood, stepping in front of the mirror. Dave left and John moved to sit on the toilet. He set the shades down on the counter and looked up at Bro, examing his face as he examined himself in the mirror. There was a line of red and purple that ran across his forehead before meeting a jagged turn, running down until it hit his nose and met a horizontal gash that ran across the bridge of his nose.

"So?" Bro turned to John. "How's it look?"

"You kinda look like that dude from Game of Thrones," John said. "The short one with the gash across his face. Except you're way taller, obviously."

"He one of those lion people?"

John rolled his eyes. "Yeah, he's one of the lion people."

"Cool." Bro tugged at his chin, rotating his head to view the different angles in the mirror. It stung a little, looking up at that gash across Bro's face that John had put there. Something akin to nausea filled his gut, but he was sure there was nothing left inside of him to throw up. He reached out and grabbed onto Bro's hand, tugging on it gently until Bro looked back down at him.

"C'mere," John said. Bro obeyed, walking towards John, but surprised him by reaching a leg over him and sitting down on John's lap, straddling him over the toilet. The sick feeling inside of him mingled with a new excitement, creating an odd sensation all throughout his body. "Um, dude. You're sitting on my lap."

"That a problem?"

"No, no," John's head was shaking quickly now, "no way is that a problem. It's just...surprising." His hands went to Bro's waist, gripping into it and pulling forward, partly because he enjoyed the contact, and partly to encouarge Bro to readjust himself on John's lap. "And heavy. You're pretty heavy, dude."

"Muscle's heavier than fat," was all Bro said as he shifted, lifting slightly so John could wriggle into a more comfortable position. Once John had settled, he sat back down and dropped his hands to John's waist, playing with the hem of his shirt.

"Can we have that talk now?" John asked. "Dave sort of interrupted it before, so I thought we could finish it now."

Bro's lips pursed in an attempt to hide his grin. "You're bringing this up? Really? Am I hallucinating from the head injury?"

"I feel like I owe you one," John said. "I did break your face, after all."

"Hmm. Guilt is a fine thing when it's working for you." Bro lifted his hand to John's cheek, rubbing circles into John's skin with his thumb. He was acting much more relaxed than John expected him to. Maybe it was the head injury. "What's your decision?" Bro asked.

"I want the same thing you want, I guess," John's hands were gathered behind Bro now, wringing together at the small of his back. His fingers picked anxiously at his nailbeds as he spoke. "Boyfriends, or whatever. To be honest, it feels like we've pretty much been boyfriends this whole time. I mean, we only ever do sex stuff with each other and we talk all the time and you're pretty much all I ever think about, so, it seems like we're at least committed to each other. Or, at least I assume that's how you feel. I don't actually _know_ if you've been with anyone else this whole time -- which, I guess, if you _had_ , it would only be fair since we never officially agreed that we were, like, monogamous or whatever -- "

He was cut off. It wasn't so much a kiss as it was a smile pressed against John's lips. Nonetheless, it was an act that relieved him of a great deal of his anxiety. His hands even parted to rest at Bro's side rather than cling to each other.

"There's no one else; just you," Bro said. His smile didn't break as he looked down at John and John couldn't help but smile back.

"Oh."

"You say that a lot."

"It warrants being said a lot." He meant to continue talking but Bro was at his throat now, leaving open-mouthed kisses on the underside of his chin and doing a very good job of leaving John breathless. "Bro, what are -- ah -- you doing? I thought we -- ah! -- Were talk _iiii -- aahh_!"

Bro pulled away abruptly, surprising John and staring down at him with glossy eyes. "Really? You'd rather talk than fool around?"

"I -- fool around?" The question lingered and he felt like an idiot for asking it. No, he would not let himself get distracted this time. He would not let Bro distract him. Shit was going to happen. _Shit was going to be discussed._ He felt like a teacher scolding a child as he pulled Bro's hands out from under his shirt and chided "hands to yourself!" Bro only smirked down at him as he folded his hands in his lap. "What's with you? Aren't _you_ supposed to be the one trying to get _me_ to stop obsessing over sex and have an actual conversation?"

"Can't help it," Bro's shoulders lifted in a lazy shrug as his hands went back to groping John. "I'm just really happy."

He made an attempt to slap Bro's hands away. "What the hell do you have to be so happy about?"

Those damned hands returned, gripping into the back of John's shirt, tangling in his hair, caressing the back of his neck, turning his whole body into gelatin. Bro leaned forward again, resting his chin on John's shoulder and nosing the shell of his ear. "It's 'cause I have you."

"Oh." He felt Bro smile at his ear and then his tongue was there and _fuck_ teeth teeth no why are there teeth there. John was panting now. Panting was not something a focused man did. Panting was something a distracted man did when his boyfriend -- fuck, they were _boyfriends_ now, weren't they -- was being successful at distracting him. It took all his strength to continue speaking. "Good answer."

"Hmm."

"But, seriously," he tugged at Bro's arms, pulling them down to rest between the two of them. "We're not done talking." The pout Bro gave John made him snort and wonder if he looked that ridiculous when he pouted. Probably not, since pouting usually got him what he wanted from Bro. "Dude, pouting?"

He pouted harder. "It works when you do it."

"Yeah, but I'm _shotastic_ , remember?"

Bro grinned as he swooped forward, intending to plant a kiss on John, who put a hand up just in time to block. Bro's face met John's palm and frowned. He pulled away, sitting up and folding his arms across his chest. "Fine, I'll be good."

"Promise?"

"Promise."

"Good." _Because I actually have no self-restraint. You're supposed to be the level-headed one!_

Bro was staring at him, waiting patiently for whatever he had to say. There was a lot he wanted to say, but now that he had Bro's attention, he just...wasn't sure how to say it.

"Um...do you really want to be my boyfriend?"

Bro smiled and John felt his face heat up. In lieu of a snarky response, which was what John expected, he only received a simple "yes."

John's face heated up even more at the look Bro wore and he turned away, focusing instead on a scar across Bro's chest. He had a lot of those, small but visible, and much more noticeable now that John had gotten a taste of what his everyday life was like. He took a deep breath before speaking. "I only ask because you don't really act like it some of the time."

Bro's hand was at his chin now, pulling his face up to meet the knitted eyebrows and frown that Bro wore. "What do you mean? How do I _not act like it_?"

John felt flustered now and pulled his chin out of Bro's grip, frowning right back at him. "You never call me my _name_. It's always _Little Shota Dude_ , or _Madokabert_ , or _Shotabert_. The worst is when you just call me _kid_. You make me feel like I'm just your younger brother's best friend."

"You _are_ my younger brother's best friend."

"But I'm not _just_ your younger brother's best friend." He was starting to feel sick again. He wasn't sure if it was this conversation or his hangover. "I'm your _boyfriend_ , right? Aren't you supposed to feel like equals when you're in a relationship? You don't always treat me like an equal. A lot of the time, you treat me like a child. And it sucks. It makes me feel like you don't like me as much as I like you. That's why I kept avoiding this conversation; because I thought it would end with us..."

"Breaking up?" Bro finished his sentence for him. John nodded, looking away. They sat in silence for awhile, John waiting for Bro to say something. The silence was broken when Bro groaned, slamming his palm against his face and dragging it down. "Shit, John."

Bro just kept staring at him between splayed fingers and John wasn't sure what he was supposed to do next. "What?"

"This is...fucked up," Bro answered, putting his hands back down into John's lap.

"Ok," John said, "but I'm gonna need more than that. _What_ 's fucked up?"

"You're sixteen, John."

"I'll be seventeen on Sunday."

"You're still _twenty years younger than me_ ," Bro leaned forward but John couldn't look him in the eye. Instead, he focused on the wounds across his face. "And _underage_."

"...Oh."

"You keep saying that," Bro said. John could feel Bro's impatience growing in his tone, in the way he gripped into his own knees hard enough to leave marks.

"What do you want me to say?"

"More than I should. That's the point." Bro was pressing his knuckles against his eyes. He looked like he was actually in pain now, rather than minutes ago when he seemed to be in perfect health, despite the head wound. "It's wrong of me to expect anything from you, yet here I am, asking you to be my fucking _boyfriend_. I really shouldn't be ok with this." The words sounded so distant to John. He just wanted for them to be treated as equals; he didn't want to realize that that wasn't a possibility. He was silent, so Bro kept speaking. "The nicknames...I guess they're a defense mechanism. Or a coping mechanism? A...comfort mechanism? Fuck, this is Lalonde territory, I don't know what they are, but they helped me to feel like I still had some sort of control over the situation. Like everything was ok if I could still just treat you like my kid brother's dorky friend. I thought that I was so beyond caring at this point about how young you are, but...I must still have hang-ups about it. Can you blame me, though? Twenty years is a _big_ difference. Especially when your partner is underage. This is technically statutory rape, after all."

"I don't care how many laws we're breaking, _technically_ ," John said. "You know that you're not actually taking advantage of me, right? This, what we're doing," he waved a finger between the two of them, "is _so_ consensual. It's almost _too_ consensual. Frankly, I'm perturbed by how consenting the two of us are. I am consenting so hard to this that I am in physical pain right now."

Bro smirked. "Y'know, you say that the jokes about how badly you want me bother you, but then you give me set-ups like that..."

"Ugh." John punched him lightly in the arm and fidgeted in his seat. With most of Bro's weight on him, this position was getting fairly uncomfortable. "It's not the teasing I have a problem with, I just...want to know that you view me as your equal. That I'm not just some _kid_ whose hormones you're appeasing."

"John," he took John's hands in his and locked their fingers together, "this is not me _appeasing_ you. This is me being selfish."

John frowned and stared up at Bro incredulously. After a few moments of silent staring, Bro began to frown. When he eventually opened his mouth to speak, John lifted a hand and flicked him in the nose, causing Bro to yelp in surprise.

"What was that for?" Bro asked, lifting a hand to rub at his nose protectively.

"You need to get over this whole age thing, dude," John said. "I'm sixteen. Get over it. I don't want a boyfriend who's all angsty and tortured because you think you're _not worthy_ or you've _stolen my virtue_ or whatever. That's dumb. I don't want a paranormal teen drama romance. I just want your dumb anime-shades-wearing butt, which is actually feeling pretty heavy right about now."

"Well, get used to it, 'cause we're gonna be here for awhile." He flicked John's nose in return and John pouted, covering his nose with his hand. "Nuh-uh, the pout doesn't work anymore. You think _I'm_ the only one with hang-ups about our age difference? You keep going on about feeling like we aren't on equal ground -- sounds like you're feeling prettty insecure about it yourself."

"That's only because you keep pointing out how young I am! You make me feel like I'm not old enough for you."

"You don't exactly make me feel like a fresh-from-the-womb babe."

John pressed his lips tightly together, turning his head and gritting his teeth. He didn't want to argue. Arguing was the exact opposite of what he wanted. They should be making out right now, but instead he had insisted that they _talk_.

Acting mature was not working out for him so far.

Bro mumbled something and John looked back at him, a confused expression on his face. Bro took John's hands back in his before repeating himself. "I totally did take your virtue, though." He was wearing that smile _that fucking smile_ and John was trying his hardest to cling desperately to his last shred of annoyance.

"You didn't _take_ anything from me, dickweed."

"Coerced out of you, then."

"If anyone was doing the coercing, it was _me_ ," John said, returning Bro's smile, all traces of anger gone. "I practically had to beg you to get into my pants."

"I don't think you were wearing any pants, actually."

Instead of telling Bro to shut up with his words, John took a fistful of Bro's shirt and yanked him forward, mashing their mouths together messily. They laughed into each other as their teeth clinked together, but soon their laughs were replaced with tongues and he could still taste the blood on Bro's lips. His skin burned at every spot that Bro touched, sending sparks straight to the depths of his gut and making John pull Bro tighter to him. When they finally broke apart, they were both panting heavily, trying to catch their breath. John lifted a hand to Bro's forehead, tracing over the area around the fresh stitching with his thumb. Bro leaned into the touch, humming and letting his eyes fall shut.

"Does it hurt?" John asked, his voice quiet. "It looks like it hurts." Bro smiled and nodded against John's fingertips. "Then why do you look so happy?" Bro's eyes were open now; he wore an expression that made his answer clear. "Bro," John said, his back pressing against the ceramic tank behind him, "you promised you'd behave. Remember?"

"I did behave." Bro's fingers smoothed along John's thighs, running up and down, the nails leaving little marks across his skin.

"Are you sure you don't need to go to the hospital?" John asked, trying to ignore the effect bro's fingers were having on him. It was a hard thing to ignore, but he was getting better at it. "You did pass out, after all."

"I didn't pass out because of the head wound," Bro said with a grimace. His fingers tensed against John's legs. "I passed out because I remembered that I had sex with Roxy."

"Seriously? _That_ made you pass out?"

"If you just remembered that you'd slept with Roxy, wouldn't you rather lose consciousness?"

"Dude!" John punched Bro in the arm, hard enough to make Bro shout in alarm and rub at it afterwards. "That's my step-mom, remember?"

"Oh, right." Bro's face dropped. "This is...slightly awkward, then."

John curled his arms into his chest, holding them there protectively. "You can say that again. I don't know whether to be grossed out by it or offended on her behalf that _you're_ so grossed out by it." He shoved against Bro's chest roughly. "Can you at least get out of my lap if we're gonna be talking about how you _banged my step-mom_?"

Bro let out a groan and flung his head back before standing up. _Finally_ , John thought. His legs had begun to ache and were on the verge of falling asleep. He kicked each one out, bending and stretching to get his blood circulating. Bro watched with his arms crossed, frowning at John.

_Is he really pouting because I kicked him off of my lap?_

"Y'know, you're kind of a giant baby."

"Hmph."

"Why didn't you tell me?"

"Tell you what?"

John stopped stretching to cross his arms over his chest. "About you and Mom. I told you about my first time."

Bro turned his palms up and held them out to John, his mouth slacking in a way that suggested he wasn't quite sure of the answer. "I honestly didn't remember. And that kind of stuff...I don't hold a lot of weight to it. The past just...isn't relevant. I figure, why bother dwelling on it?"

"It _is_ relevant, though." John stepped forward and dropped his forehead against Bro's shoulder. "Your experiences are what make you _you_. They create you. I wanna know what created _you_."

"Shit, sounds like you wanna meet my parents."

"No! That's not what I meant," John had jumped back before the full weight of Bro's words hit him. "Not that I would be adverse to that! I just -- wait, do you even have parents?"

"Dude, we've been over this. I am not a robot, I promise you."

"I know that, doofus, but...Dave's never told me anything about them, and _you've_ never told me anything about them, so I figured the two of you were like, I don't know, test tube babies that sprang legs and ran away from the laboratory before you were inserted into some lady's downstairs business or something."

Bro cocked an eyebrow and smirked. " _Downstairs business?_ "

"I don't know what ladies have going on down there!" John shouted, louder than he had meant to. He felt his cheeks blush slightly as he hunched his shoulders.

"You truly are a gay man," Bro beamed down at him.

"Yup, that's what I am. Totally gay. I only like dudes." John was bobbing back and forth on the balls of his feet now. His hands were clasped behind his back, picking away at his skin. "Are you? Gay, I mean?"

Bro bit his lip in an obvious attempt to hide his laughter. "Are you asking me if I'm attracted to men? Gee, John, I never really thought about taking another guy's dick before. I'm not really sure if I'd like it or not. Wait -- you're not trying to seduce me, are you? Because, although the thought of another cock pressing up against mine may have crossed my mind once or twice, I don't know if I'm ready to take that step just yet -- but, maybe, if you promise to be _real_ gentle -- "

He was cut off by a palm pressing against his mouth and a glare from John. "You can be a real douchebag sometimes, you know that?" Bro nodded, still grinning behind John's hand. "You know what I'm trying to ask you, don't you? You're just being a butt about it because you can be."

Bro tugged at John's wrist, pulling the hand down and freeing his mouth. "I'm so good at it though, aren't I? You're the one who told me I had a nice butt in the first place."

"And I'm gonna punch you in that nice butt if you don't stop acting like it's taken over your personality."

"Hmm, feisty." Bro suffered another glare from John before he raised his hands in defeat. "You wanna know if I'm into chicks, right?" John nodded, his head bobbing up and down quickly and impatiently. "I'm into whatever, basically."

John just stared at him in disbelief. "You're into _whatever_? What does that even mean?"

"It means if I like you as a person and you've got a space for my dick to occupy, I'm into it."

"Sooo," John's brow was knit in concentration, "girls, guys, and everything in between?"

"I dig it all," Bro said. "You ok?" Bro took a step forward, setting his hands on John's shoulders and rubbing slow circles into them.

"Yeah..." He was looking down at the floor, picking at the hem of Bro's shirt. "It's just...you have so much more experience than I do."

"John." Bro's tone was light and caring, drawing John's attention back up to his face. "You know we aren't actually equals, right? No, fuck, scratch that, don't look at me like that, that's not what I meant. I mean...we're different people. We have different experiences. Even if we were the same age, we would have led two completely different lives, therefore be experienced in completely different things. But we can share with each other. That's what relationships are for; learning with each other and taking care of each other and all that shit. I don't care how much or little experience you have; I just care that I get to continue to make new experiences with you. What I said before, about you making me feel old...that's not true. Sure, I feel the occasional Old Guy Pangs every once in a while, but mostly...you make me feel ageless."

John wrapped his arms around Bro, burying his face in the old t-shirt Bro wore. "I make you feel ageless?"

"Damn straight."

His stomach was doing all sorts of maneuvers that he couldn't keep up with now. A heartbeart was clear against his eardrum, but he couldn't tell whose it was. John buried his face deeper in the scent of Bro, trying to burrow inside of it. "I'm really glad you're my boyfriend."

" _Boyfriend._ " Bro lifted a hand up to pet John's hair and John leaned into it. "I've heard that word too many times today. It sounds weird now, like it has no meaning."

"Maybe we need a new word then," John said, lifting his face to look up at Bro. "What about 'partner'? That's like, the politically correct term, right?"

"Naw, it sounds like we're in a business deal." They stood in silence for a few moments, Bro petting John's hair absentmindedly.

"I know what I want to call you," John said. Bro looked down at him in anticipation. "I want to call you Dirk."

"You already call me that; that's my name."

Apparently not even a serious head injury could make Bro tone down the sass. John tugged at his waist in frustration. "I know that's your name, but you still feel like _Bro_ to me. I don't want you to be _Bro_ , I want you to be _Dirk_."

Bro grunted as he ran a hand through John's hair. "Is this...something that's _really_ important to you?"

John nodded. "I don't want to make you uncomfortable, but using your actual name...I don't know, it just feels nice."

There was another grunt. "Just don't use it around your Dad or Roxy. Or anyone else who doesn't know about us, for that matter."

"Oh god, no way, can you imagine?" John shuddered. "Mom would totally know something was up if I called you _Dirk_ in front of her."

"Yeah." Silence fell between the two of them, a slightly awkward silence, and John's stomach turned to knots as he tried to ignore the thought of Mom or Dad finiding out about him and _Dirk_ and the path of mind that thought led to. The silence was broken along with his day-nightmare when Dirk snapped his fingers and looked down at John.

"I've got it! How about instead of 'boyfriend' we call each other ' _cock slut_ '?"

John didn't even bother glaring at him or rolling his eyes before turning his head away. "How about no." There was another brief silence. "What about ' _Kevin Spacey_ '?"

Dirk laughed. "Cock Slut and Kevin Spacey. A match made in fuckin' heaven."

"Who's Cock Slut and who's Kevin Spacey?" John mumbled into Dirk's shirt. There was a pause before they both turned to each other, and another pause before they both blurted out, "I call Kevin Spacey!"

Then there was a glaring contest.

Dirk broke away from John's gaze and pulled away, turning towards the door. "I know how we'll settle this," he announced.

"How?"

"We'll let Dave decide." He grinned at John before opening the door and flash-stepping down the hallway.

John was left to chase after him, shouting about injustices as he did so.


	29. Cock Slut and Kevin Spacey

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> At this point, this is essentially a story about two dudes who like to tell each other how much they like each other then touch each others' peens.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> there's smut but it's like _baby_ smut
> 
> sorry to make you guys wait so long for an update! as i said last time, my computer ate all of the files I had on this fic. i was trying to re-write my outlines before i started working on this chapter. i intended it to be longer, but i was caught up with other things and i felt like making an update now, even such a short one, just to let you guys know that i haven't abandoned this fic or anything. hopefully i'll have another [longer] chapter up by this weekend!

It turned out hurrying down the hall after Dirk and screaming about injustices had been for naught; Dave wasn't even in the apartment, and now John was feeling light-headed. There was a note on the counter, however, beneath a bottle of painkillers. An explanation was scribbled in bright red ink, stating that he had left for Terezi's to help her clean up the place. After reading the note aloud, Dirk crumpled it in his hand and tossed the wad of paper into a trashcan beside the counter.

"Looks like Dave bailed," he said, turning to John. "Now what?"

John bit down on his lip, thinking to himself. "We could always play a game to decide," he said. "Maybe a card game, or we could go with the classic rock-paper-scissors."

"Or," Dirk took John's hand and clasped their fingers together, "we could just stick to 'boyfriend' and go get some food. I'm starving."

"Hmm. Boyfriend." John leaned forward as Dirk reached out to peck him on the lips, kissing back lightly. "Are you sure you're not just saying that because you know I'd beat you no matter what we played?"

"Excuse me?" Dirk took a step back, narrowing his eyes at John. "You think you can take _me_ on?"

John pressed a finger against his chest. "I could kick your plush rump any day of the week."

"You really think so?"

"I _really_ think so."

"Fine." Dirk held his hands out in position. "Rock-paper-scissors, let's do this."

"Fine," John repeated, holding his hands out. They counted off in unison and when they threw their hands out, Dirk cursed.

"Fucking scissors! I knew I should have picked rock. C'mon, one more time. Let's go one more time."

"No way." John retracted his hands and walked across the room towards his bag to look for some clean clothes. "I won, fair and square."

"We only went once," Dirk followed him across the room, holding his hands out in a plea. "You can't decide a winner based on one round."

"You never specified multiple rounds," John said, pulling on a pair of shorts, "so you only got one. And you lost. Deal with it, _cock slut._ " He turned his head to grin back at Dirk, but Dirk was too busy facepalming to notice John's expression.

"God dammit, Kevin Spacey."

"That's me!" John pulled on a shirt and turned back to face Dirk. He tugged on Dirk's shirt, pulling his cock slut towards him. "Are you gonna sulk about it?"

"Wouldn't you?"

"No."

Dirk cocked an eyebrow at him.

"...Ok, maybe a little."

Dirk grabbed onto John's waist, pulling him closer. "I won't sulk. For the moment, at least." His hands slid under John's fresh shirt and smoothed up his torso, causing a sigh of content to fall from John's lips.

"Have I ever mentioned how much I like it when you touch me?" John asked, his arms moving to drape across Dirk's shoulders.

"I got the feeling you might be into it," Dirk replied. "So for the moment, I'll just live up to my new nickname."

"You mean ' _cock slut_ '?" John asked, his grin widening.

"Yeah, that one." He tugged on the bottom of John's shirt, pulling it off once John had lifted his arms.

"I probably shouldn't have bothered getting dressed," John took the hint as Dirk pushed lightly at his shoulders and dropped backwards onto the futon, "right?"

"Probably not." Dirk climbed onto the couch on top of John, straddling him much like they'd done in the bathroom, except this time the majority of Dirk's weight was on his own knees rather than John's legs. John tugged at Dirk's shirt and soon their naked chests were pressed against each other.

John's fingers walked across Dirk's chest, tracing the scars over his skin, wondering how each one was achieved, wondering just how many strifes there had been. How bad had they been? Which one hurt the most? Were they all from strifing with Dave?

His view was gone when Dirk moved, leaning his head down to peck at John's neck. John ran his hands across Dirk's back, feeling his way across Dirk's skin and stopping to trace over the grooves. "You have so many scars," he said, pushing Dirk away from him so they could see each other's face. "How did I never notice before how many scars you have?"

Dirk raised one shoulder languidly. "You were preoccupied, I guess. But don't let them distract you now." He pulled John forward by the shoulders and kissed him, hard enough that the feeling of their lips pressed together lasted long after Dirk pulled away. John looked up at him once they'd broken apart and decided he _really_ liked the way Dirk looked at the moment: shirtless, lips parted and breathing heavily, his hair messy, no glasses. And the wound -- the wound looked good in a way that he tried not to think about as he pulled Dirk down into another kiss. The thought was forced clear out of his mind when their tounges met to curl against each other.

"Uh, Dirk? This is probably a dumb question, but -- ah -- " John was trying to speak but words were hard to find when Dirk Strider's hand was down his pants and groping his ass, "um, are we actually fooling around now?"

"If you don't have any objections to it," Dirk answered, dragging his nose across John's collarbones, "then yes, we shall celebrate the merger of Kevin Spacey and Cock Slut by rutting around on my bed-slash-futon."

"No objections from me, it's just...are you sure you don't need to go to the hospital? You seemed pretty gung-ho -- ah -- about _not_ fooling around, but -- god _damn_ \-- uh, ever since I cracked you over the head, you've been acting sort of...different. Not like, _bad_ \-- ngh -- different, but more like...a cock slut, I guess? Ow, shit -- no, don't stop biting, 'sgood -- but, maybe it's the head injury. Maybe I didn't just break your nose; maybe I hit your head so hard that I broke your personality."

"John." Dirk's voice was so unwavering and the way he said John's name got him John's full attention. He used both hands to cup John's cheeks and leaned down until their noses were almost touching. "It's not the head injury."

John's hands moved up to wrap around Dirk's wrist. "It's not?"

"Nah." Dirk tilted his head back and forth, rubbing his nose against John's in an eskimo kiss before pulling away to smile down at him. "It's cuz I'm in love."

"Oh." Dirk's smile was so brilliant, he couldn't help but smile back at it without really thinking about what Dirk had just said. They were kissing again when John jerked back, the words finally hitting him. "Wait -- what? You, uh..." He was staring at Dirk wide-eyed now, but Dirk was still smiling at him.

"Is that alright?" Dirk asked.

"Of course it's alright," John said, "I just...I wanna say it back."

"So say it."

"It's not that simple."

"You said it to Dave, didn't you? While you were drunk?" Dirk had John's wrists in his hands now, rubbing circles against his pulse. The action was so soothing that it almos t annoyed him. This wasn't a time to be calm. This was a time to freak the fuck out. "Dave said you confessed how _fucking in love with me_ you are last night."

John bit at his lip, looking away from Dirk. He had no idea what he'd said to Dave last night, but this was _different_. He was sober. He couldn't say that kind of stuff while _sober_. And even if he did say it...

"How do you know?" John asked, looking back up at Dirk.

"How do I know what?" Dirk was frowning now and it made John's stomach turn. "That I _love_ you?"

"Dirk, you can't be upset with me about this, ok?" John took Dirk's face in his hand, mimicking the way Dirk had cupped his face earlier. "You said we'd teach other stuff. I've never told anyone I love them before. At least not like... _that_ kind of love. I just...I don't want to say the wrong thing, or get my feelings mixed up, or...I don't know, I just want to tell you the truth because I...have strong feelings for you, or whatever."

"It kinda sounds like you're in love with me, dude."

"Well, maybe I am in love with you, I don't know!" John threw his hands in the air and flung himself back against the couch. He crossed his arms, frowning back at Dirk until Dirk smiled up at him. _The moodswings with this guy, I swear._

"John, it's alright if you don't know." He reached out to pet John's cheek with the back of his hand. "I don't know if I can explain the feeling very well, though. I think it's different for everyone. You know that you love your parents though, right? And you know that you love Dave and your other friends. It's basically the same, but...different."

John sunk even lower into his seat. "That's not exactly helpful..."

"I want to take care of you, John. I want you all to myself. I want you to take care of me, too. And I want to be all yours. That's all there is to it."

"Is it really that simple?"

"No." Dirk's hand dropped from John's cheek as he sighed. "I made things weird, didn't I? By trying to pressure you into saying it. I ruined the moment."

"You didn't ruin anything." John leaned forward and hooked his arms around Dirk's waist. "I liked hearing you say it."

"That's definitely a good sign," Dirk said, his grin returning as he wrapped his arms around John's shoulders.

"I like having you in my lap, too," John said. "Having you straddle me is actuall pretty hot."

Dirk ran a hand through John's hair. "That's 'cause I'm a cowboy," he said, rolling his hips against John's thighs, forcing a breath to catch in the back of his throat. "Cowboys always look good when they ride on top."

"Oh my god, Dirk, do you wanna _ride_ m -- " the rest of his sentence was muffled by Dirk's tongue, soft and demanding against his own. Not so demanding that John wasn't enjoying every bit of it, though. Every touch by Dirk was a jolt to his senses, and when Dirk took a patch of skin below John's ear between his teeth and sucked, a moan shook through John. "Dirk, please..."

"I know what you want, Egbert." Dirk's voice was hot against John's ear, sending a shiver through him. The hand that deftly unbuttoned his pants and slipped down the front of his boxers was more than welcome, and the loudest breath he'd ever heard escaped his lips as soon as he felt Dirk's hand on him. "It's been a long time, hasn't it? I wonder how long you'll last."

"Don't be an _ass_ ," John sighed out. His hips tried in vain to buck up involuntarily, but Dirk's thighs were there to pin him down. No matter how much of a dick he acted like, John was so happy to have Dirk _touching_ him again. His own hands were fine, but nothing compared to the way Dirk's callused fingers slid up and down his shaft, the way his teeth could graze against the smallest spot and instantly get John riled up, even the way Dirk _looked_ at John sometimes was enough to make him pitch a tent.

It wasn't long before he felt himself close to the edge, and if it wasn't for the lust clouding his mind, he would have been embarrassed to prove Dirk's earlier comment correct. Right now, as Dirk was dragging John's lip up with his teeth and one fingernail dragged across the head of his dick, all he cared about was release. He mumbled something to that extent against Dirk's ear, begging for it to come quickly. He felt the laughter against his chest but he _heard_ the grin at his ear.

Dirk's lips were against John's now but they pulled away quickly. "Hey John," Dirk said with the air of nonchalance that one usually saves for times when they don't have a dick in their hand.

" _Fuck_ , Dirk."

He leaned forward and bit once at John's earlobe before whispering against his ear, the pace of his hand quickening. "John Egbert, I am in _love_ with you."

And that was it. John was gone. It barely registered that Dirk's hand was still moving against him, but his mind was mostly focused on the ecstasy that ran through him.

When Dirk's hand finally pulled away, his eyes were still shut tightly. They were still closed when Dirk leaned in to kiss him, but they opened when Dirk pulled away to laugh.

"I knew that would work," he said.

"What?"

"I knew if I whispered _'I love you'_ all hot 'n heavy-like in your ear, you'd blow your load, and you did." Dirk was grinning so smugly that John wanted to smack that expression away.

"You don't have to look so _smug_ about it, you _ass_."

"I feel smug, though." Dirk hooked an arm around John's shoulders, pulling them closer and pressing a kiss against the tip of John's nose. "I made the guy I'm in love with blow his load just by telling him I love him."

John tipped his head forehead, pressing their foreheads against each other and letting his eyes fall shut. "When you say it like that, I almost feel happy for you."

"We're like a terrible romcom come to life," Dirk said before pressing a kiss against John's forehead. He rolled off of John's lap and stood in front of the futon, stretching his legs out in front of him. "Damn, that's a really terrible position to sit in for so long. My knees are killing me. I feel _old_."

"I thought you said I made you feel _ageless_?" John said after accepting the hand Dirk held out to him and being pulled to his feet.

"I meant in spirit, Spacey."

John scrunched his nose in a grimace. "Are we really gonna call each other _Kevin Spacey_ and _cock slut_?"

"Hey, I don't make the rules, I just abide by them."

"Ok, cock slut."

Dirk sucked a breath between his teeth. "Y'know, on second thought...do you wanna just go back to 'boyfriend'?"

John smiled, pulling him forward for a kiss before nodding. "Whatever you want, boyfriend."

Dirk grinned, leaning down. When John expected Dirk to kiss along his neck, Dirk ducked suddenly and his arms wrapped around John's waist, lifting him in the air and over his shoulders.

"God -- fuck -- can you at least warn me before you do that?!" John asked, kicking his legs out. "I thought you were feeling _old_. This doesn't seem like something an old guy would do!"

"I'm not your typical old guy," Dirk said, walking away from the futon.

"Ah! Where are we going?!"

Dirk continued walking until he reached the beginning of the hallway, where he put John down with a grunt. "Just the shower. I figured we could both use a wash before we go out."

John perked up with excitement. "We're going out?"

"To get something to eat, if that's alright with you. I thought maybe we could have that first date now..."

"Yes!" John hopped on the spot, but looked down with embarrassment at the look Dirk gave him. "Uh, I mean, yeah, I'd like that. Are you sure it's ok, though? What with you being concussed, most likely?"

"Definitely sure," Dirk said, reaching a hand out to smooth over John's cheek. "The only sure cure to either of our ailments is time, so why not go out and enjoy ourselves, y'know? Make time fly by a little quicker."

"Ok," John said. He pressed his hand against Dirk's and pressed a kiss against his wrist before pulling their hands away from his face and grinning. "Last one in the shower's a rotten egg!" With that, he was sprinting into the bathroom.

"Dammit, Egbert! Give a guy a little warning first!" Dirk yelled before chasing after him.


	30. First Date

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> In which John and Bro go on their *~first date~* and afterwards every reader physically cringes in sympathy for Bro Strider.
> 
> (Sorry, Bro.)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> jk i'm not sorry

The two of them barely fit into the one-man shower of the Striders' bathroom, but the proximity wasn't a problem for either of them. In fact, John was enjoying it quite a lot. Dirk didn't protest when John requested to wash the blood out of his hair, or when John insisted that he scrub Dirk's back; but when John's hand crept down Dirk's stomach, he snatched the hand by it's wrist and pulled it away, receiving a grunt from John in return.

Dirk cocked an eyebrow and smirked. "Headache," he said, tapping a finger against his temple. "From the wound that you inflicted on me. Remember?"

He stuck his tongue out at Dirk. When Dirk ignored him, he frowned, taking a step closer and setting his hands on Dirk's waist. He slid his fingers up and down Dirk's side, tracing invisible lines in the skin. "Is there anything I could do to make you feel better?"

"Mmm." Dirk grasped John's chin in his hand, leaning forward for a kiss. "I appreciate the sentiment, but anything you did would just make this headache worse. Now turn around so I can wash your hair."

Although annoyed at not being able to reciprocate, John obliged, turning his back to face Dirk.

Their shower wasn't as eventful as John had hoped it would be, but it still left him feeling giddy. They were a _thing_ now. Well, they had pretty much always been a thing, but now they were _officially _a _thing_. A _boyfriend_ type of thing. John wanted to smash his palms against his face and scream in delight every time he thought of it, but instead he only squeezed Dirk's hand and smiled at him.__

__He had been so stupid. He had avoided that conversation for so long...and for what? Because he was afraid that Dirk would dump him? Because he was worried that Dirk didn't like him as much as he liked Dirk?_ _

__He had been so fucking stupid._ _

__This enigmatic cooler-than-thou smuppet god had just confessed to being in love with John. In love with _him_ ; goofy, buck-toothed, Nic Cage-loving John Egbert._ _

__The thought alone made him chase Dirk out of the shower and press him against the sticky bathroom wall, despite Dirk's complaints._ _

__He wanted to say it back. He really, _really_ wanted to say it back. Because he was sure...or at least _fairly_ sure, that he felt the same way. He thought he felt the same way. Thinking the phrase, "I love Dirk Strider" was easy enough, and it made John feel even giddier. But he had never dealt with this kind of thing before. How was he supposed to know for _sure_?_ _

__There were an awful lot of things that John Egbert claimed to love. Magic tricks, pranks, Nic Cage, his friends and family, Casey (the salamander he and Rose had adopted), and Matthew McConaughey were just a handful. He felt just as passionate about Dirk as he did about them (even more passionate, in some cases), but did that mean he was _in love_?_ _

__What did it even mean to be in love? How did you know when you were in love? The same questions wouldn't stop running through his mind. It wasn't like he had a great amount of experience on the subject to look back on, and he couldn't exactly ask Dirk, either. It would be weird, wouldn't it? Besides, he had already tried that route. And this was unfair enough to Dirk already, right? To get a response like that from John and then be expected to talk it through with him?_ _

__In television, when one person would confess to being in love and the other person didn't immediately reciprocate, they always ended up breaking up._ _

__But they were still together._ _

__Dirk had seemed perfectly fine when he didn't say it back. If you really were in love with somebody, wouldn't you care? Wouldn't you be upset enough to break it off? Did this mean that Dirk didn't care as much as he let on?_ _

___...Wow, Egbert, seriously? You need to stop being so insecure._ _ _

__John tried to push the thoughts away, but they didn't stray far._ _

__They walked to a diner two blocks away for breakfast -- or was it lunch? Dinner? It was light out, but John had no idea what time it was. He wasn't even completely sure what day it was. But he didn't mind much about his concept of time being askew when Dirk's hand slid into his as they walked side-by-side down the street. Even if his grip slipped away every time they passed someone on the street, it was enough to make the pressure in his chest twist against his rib cage in the most pleasant way; it was enough to lead the question in the back of his mind one step closer to an answer._ _

__Once at the diner, they were led to a round booth. They huddled together in the center of the booth, John pressing his chin against Dirk's shoulder to read the menu in his hands._ _

__"Hold the menu more to the right. I can't read it at this angle."_ _

__"Y'know, there's another menu right there."_ _

__"I like sharing with you."_ _

__Dirk was silent as John watched out of the corner of his eye. After a few moments, Dirk scooted the menu across the table and John turned his face down to hide his grin against Dirk's shoulder._ _

__"What're you gonna get?" Dirk asked._ _

__"I don't know." John's eyes gazed across the menu, but nearly every option sent a sick feeling to his stomach. "What's good hangover food?"_ _

__"Oatmeal maybe?" Dirk turned his head towards John, lifting his shades so as not to stab John in the eye. "What do you feel like eating?"_ _

__"Bacon," John said, wrapping his arms around Dirk's bicep. "Lots of bacon."_ _

__"Bacon's always a good option. But maybe we should cool it on the PDA," Dirk said, lowering his voice and pulling his arm out of John's grip._ _

__"But you held my hand on the way here," John scooted closer, leaning his head in so as not to be overheard. "Isn't that PDA?"_ _

__"That was when we were alone. Anyone could see us here."_ _

__John chewed on his inner lip, watching Dirk as his attention turned back to the menu._ _

__"Dirk," he whispered, "do you know what the age of consent in Texas is?"_ _

__"John..."_ _

__"It's _seventeen_. Same as in New York."_ _

__" _John_."_ _

__"I could easily pass for seventeen! I'm practically seventeen already!"_ _

__"You could just as easily be mistaken for fourteen," Dirk hissed, slapping John's hand away as it reached out towards his forearm._ _

__John pulled his hand back, letting it rest at his side. "I thought you didn't care about my age."_ _

__"I care about going to jail."_ _

__"Oh." Right. Laws were a thing that you could be punished for not abiding by. John chewed on his lip for a moment longer before scooting away from Dirk, putting nearly a yard between the two of them._ _

__As soon as he had settled, Dirk let out a "tsk", hooked a finger into John's belt loop, and tugged. There was a squeak of vinyl as he pulled John back toowards him._ _

__"I meant that you shouldn't slobber all over my shoulder; I wasn't saying that you couldn't sit by me," Dirk said, hiding his hand beneath the table atop John's knee. "And stop saying _Oh_ all dejected-like. It's a helluva lot nicer when you say it after having a happy revelation."_ _

__John pressed his palm against his mouth to hide the ridiculous smile forming on his face. He grabbed the second menu and propped it up to hide his face behind. When the waitress came to take their order, John tried to keep his expression sane as he ordered a bacon-riddled omelette he had seen on the menu._ _

__As they waited for their food, he felt an odd mixture of apprehension and giddiness. He kept expecting for something to go wrong; for Dirk to suddenly jump up and say he'd changed his mind. But he was sitting there, keeping John anchored by the knee with the palm of his hand. He was acting a little odd, though it may have been due to a severe concussion, and John couldn't decide if it made him happy or nervous._ _

__What he did know was that he wanted to know more about Dirk. He wanted to know _everything_ about Dirk. But his childishness got the best of him and the first thing out of his mouth was "How many people have you dated?"_ _

__Dirk was holding back a grin now. "A lot."_ _

__"Sorry." John took a straw from the tabletop into his hands, tearing the wrapper to shreds. "I know it's not really important or anything, I just...wondered."_ _

__"John," Dirk lifted his hand, smoothing the bangs away from John's forehead. "I'm not judging you based on experience. You know that, right? I like who you are now. I like how rushed your kisses are and how quickly you are to undo my belt and jump right to the chase. Fuck, I even like how hesitant you are to say ' _I love you_ ,' however unhealthy that may be of me. Remember when I said I wanted us to have our first date on your birthday? That was _because_ the age of consent is seventeen. I was trying to keep things...proper, I guess, since this whole affair is already so illicit. Because I care about you, and you're young, and I want to make sure everything is legit because I would be a complete wreck if I ever lost you. But I _like_ your youth. I like your inexperience. I like everything about you, even the more aggravating traits. I'd even go so far as to say I _love_ your aggravating traits, as well as every other aspect of you."_ _

__"...Oh."_ _

__"That sounds like the happy kind of _oh_ ," Dirk said with a grin._ _

__"It was," John said. "But I'm still curious."_ _

__"Oh. Damn."_ _

__"I don't need an exact number," John said, clasping his hands and rolling his thumbs together. "But maybe...a guess? An estimate? Like, per year? Anything?"_ _

__"John." Dirk leaned forward, enough so their faces were only a few inches apart. At first, John thought he was leaning in for a kiss, and his eyes went to Dirk's mouth as Dirk's tongue slid out to lick his lips. There was a hand against the nape of his neck and the contact caused his skin to grow hot all over. He looked up to meet Dirk's eyes, barely visible behind the sunglasses. "I've dated more people than I can count," Dirk said, "and have slept with even more than that. Is that what you wanted to hear?"_ _

__John frowned, rolling his shoulders enough to jostle Dirk's hand away from his neck. "No, that's not what I wanted to hear, you ass."_ _

__"You're the one who keeps asking me the same question." Dirk leaned back, resting an arm against the table. "What kind of answer were you expecting? What kind of answer did you _want?_ "_ _

__"Ugh, I don't know." John crossed his arms against the table and rested his head between them. "I want you to tell me that you've actually never been with anyone but me. I want you to tell me that you've never been with my _step-mother_."_ _

__They both cringed at that._ _

__"I wish I could tell you that," Dirk said with a shudder._ _

__"Why did you sleep with her, anyway?" John asked. "Every time I mention it, you get all weird, like it was the worst experience of your life. It can't have been _that_ bad, right?"_ _

__"Not at all," Dirk said. "To be perfectly honest, it was amazing. Not to brag or anything," he stretched his arms out behind his head and leaned back, smiling smugly, "but I rocked her world."_ _

__John snorted. Dirk frowned._ _

__"What's so funny?"_ _

__"Nothing, nothing." John waved his hand, motioning for Dirk to continue._ _

__"Anyway," Dirk said, leaning back again. "It wasn't that it was bad in the moment, but looking back at it now, I can't imagine doing that with her. I love her, but I could never see her in that light again."_ _

__John picked his straw up again, concentrating his gaze downward as he bounced it against the table. "I'm glad," he said, feeling his skin grow warm again, "I'm glad that you could never see her like that again. I don't want you to see anyone like that again, except for me."_ _

__He sat still, too abashed to look up at Dirk as he waited for a response. Seconds went by and he grew more nervous, and he was about to open his mouth for the sake of making noise to break this silence when he felt arms around his waist, surprising him and tugging him to the side. Then he was chest-to-chest with Dirk, wrapped in a surprise hug, with cool breath on his neck and the warmth emanating from Dirk all across his skin._ _

__He wasn't one for warm weather or heaters, he wasn't comfortable in long sleeves or full-length pants; but there was something about the heat that Dirk emitted that was special, that drew him closer, sucking him in. He felt like he was on fire when he was around Dirk, but the burning sensation only made him ache for more._ _

__He took in a deep breath, breathing in as much of the Strider as he could. Before he could truly appreciate the contact, their food had arrived. The waitress had to cough loudly to get their attention. They broke apart slowly, and John couldn't help but feel a little light-headed at the smile Dirk gave him. He smiled back, smiled down into his food, kept smiling as they ate their meals in a comfortable silence. He was too distracted by the floaty feeling in his head and chest for what exactly he was eating to register in his head. He was halfway through his omelette before he realized that it was the worst omelette he had ever eaten._ _

__"Dirk," it was the first sound either of them had made in minutes. It left a strange buzzing noise in its wake that dissipated quickly. John sat up, turning to face Dirk. "This food blows."_ _

__"This is kind of a terrible place to eat, to be perfectly honest," Dirk shrugged, sipping on a glass of orange juice. When John asked why he would bother coming here if it was so terrible, Dirk only shrugged and said "irony."_ _

__John grimaced. "You know, I'm starting to doubt that you even know what irony means."_ _

__"Ha, John Egbert accusing _me_ of not knowing what irony is. Now _that's_ ironic."_ _

__"Just 'cause I'm not a _super cool Strider guy_ doesn't mean I -- "_ _

__"Oh, _shit_ ," Dirk hissed, ducking down enough so only his hat was visible behind the table._ _

__"Dirk?" John tilted his head so he could see Dirk beneath the table. "What are you doing?"_ _

__"Hiding."_ _

__"From what?"_ _

__"Over there." He jutted his finger out towards the counter, where a few customers were scattered, eating their meals. John followed Dirk's finger to an older man sitting on a stool. John could only just see his profile from this angle, but it was enough to recognize him._ _

__"That's the guy from paintball, right?" John asked. "What was his name? Woo -- "_ _

__"Don't!" Dirk yanked on John's arm, pulling John under the table with him. "Don't say his name! He'll _sense_ it and then he'll come over here and we'll be stuck eating with that asshole."_ _

__"Ok." John hunched down lower, scooting closer to Dirk. "What do we do?"_ _

__Dirk looked around the room in silence for a moment. He turned to John and shoved him towards the aisle and out of the booth._ _

__"But we haven't paid!" John whispered, eyes darting around the area in a fit of guilt._ _

__Dirk rolled his eyes and pulled his wallet out, still sticking low to the ground, and threw a fist full of bills down on the table._ _

__"Isn't that too much? Dirk -- "_ _

__"Go go go!" Dirk shoved him into the aisle completely, ducking behind him and pushing him through the restaurant. "Aw shit he turned his head -- he's gonna spot us -- John, move faster -- fuck -- in here!"_ _

__John found himself being shoved through the first door he came to. He stumbled through the door, taking a look around once he was standing upright. They were in a restroom. The women's restroom._ _

__"Um, Dirk? This is the ladies' room."_ _

__"Desperate times, John," Dirk said, pulling the door shut behind him. "Desperate times."_ _

__John walked across the room, pausing in front of each stall to make sure there was no one else in the room. They were alone. "Now what?" he asked, leaning against the counter. "Do we just wait here until he's gone?"_ _

__"Yup."_ _

__"How long will that take?"_ _

__"Dunno."_ _

__"What do we do until then?"_ _

__Dirk walked across the room, stopping besides John at the counter. "Dunno," he said, hoisting himself onto the countertop._ _

__John crossed his arms, tapping his finger against his bicep. So they were just going to stand in here and wait? How boring. He didn't want to stand still. All of the excitement from the day was still pumping through him, and he wanted to _do_ something with it._ _

__He turned to Dirk, who was leaning back, his palms pressed against the countertop. His legs were spread open, so John stepped between them._ _

__"Dirk?"_ _

__Dirk pulled his shades off, clipping them into the neck of his shirt. "John."_ _

__John's hands found there way to Dirk's outer thighs, sliding up and down across the fabric. "Do you still have a headache?"_ _

__"It's gone, for the most part." Dirk pulled his cap off, setting it down beside him and running a hand through his hair. "Why do you ask, Egbert?"_ _

__John's hand moved to Bro's belt, tracing over the buckle. "I never got to reciprocate earlier."_ _

__"That's pretty generous of you, John." Dirk reached a hand up to John's cheek, running a thumb across his lower lip. "You sure you wanna reciprocate here, though? Right now?"_ _

__John tilted his head forward, taking Dirk's thumb between his lips. He rolled his tongue against Dirk's thumb, looking up at him to lock eyes. He kept eye contact as he pushed his head down farther until his lips met the base of Dirk's thumb, sliding his tongue along the skin as he did so. Reaching his own hand up, he kept Dirk's hand steady as he licked a stripe from the base of Dirk's thumb to the very tip._ _

__"I'm sure," John said, releasing Dirk's hand._ _

__Dirk's now free hand went straight to his belt buckle. He nodded towards the exit. "Get the door."_ _

__John locked the door._ _

____

\----------------------------------------------------------------

"God _damn_ ," Dirk sighed out, hanging his head back against the futon. "Fuck."

"I'm really sorry, Dirk," John said, sitting down beside him, taking care not to jostle the futon. They were back at the apartment now, having left the restaurant much sooner than expected. They weren't in the restroom for very long before...well, before John had gotten a little overzealous.

"I know you're sorry, John. You already apologized a thousand times. I told you, it's fine."

"I really am sorry though," John continued. "I thought you'd like it! I always like it when you do it to me..."

"I _know_ , but John," Dirk turned his head towards John and lifted his arm, resting his hand in John's hair. "You have a pain kink. I do not. Most people don't actually like teeth scraping against their dick. Most people don't like their boyfriends to take a chunk out of their dick."

"I didn't take a chunk! It wasn't even bleeding, it was just a little red."

"It's my _dick_ , dude. You gotta be gentle with it."

"I know, and I'm sorry, really, _really_ sorry." John reached up to grab Dirk's hand, pulling it down to press it against his face. "I guess I really am too inexperienced for you. I can't even suck your dick properly."

Dirk rolled his eyes, pressing his palm lightly into John's cheek. "You need to get over this whole _experience_ thing, dude. I've slept with a _lot_ of people and am super awesome at sex. Get over it. I don't want a boyfriend who's all angsty and tortured because you think you're _not worthy_ or you're _too inexperienced for me_ or whatever. That's dumb."

John glowered at the familiarity of Dirk's speech. "Very funny."

"I know." He patted John once on the cheek then pulled him forward by the waist until john was sitting sideways in his lap. "It's true, though. Besides, you didn't seem very insecure about your inexperience before. Is it just because you goofed up a BJ? My dick will heal. If that's the only thing bothering you, then don't sweat it. Everybody makes mistakes."

_Well, first, I broke your face with a hammer. Then, I couldn't tell you I love you. And lastly, I left a bite mark on your dick. Just feeling kind of insecure about life in general right about now._

"I don't know what it is," John said, resting his head against Dirk's shoulder.

"It's alright if you feel insecure," Dirk said, running his hand through John's hair, twisting the locks between his fingers and massaging John's scalp. "But it's not as if I haven't enjoyed all the time we've spent together, in and out of the bedroom. It's more the person rather than their skill level that makes the moment. For me, at least. Besides," he tilted his head to look down at John. "I can always teach you whatever you don't know."

John grinned. "You only want to teach me things so I'll call you _sempai_."

"No comment."

John draped one arm across Bro's neck and let the hand of his other walk down Bro's throat until they were tracing the lines of his collarbones. "When do you want to start our lessons, _sempai_?"

"There's that frank and brazen attitude I know and love."

"Shut up and bite me, Dirk."

"Yes, sir."

Dirk reached down, grazing his teeth across the base of John's neck and the front door slammed open, causing John to jump in place and ram his chin into Dirk's nose.

"Fucking _shit ass god damn_!"

John jumped out of his lap as Dirk bolted up; Dave and Terezi walked into the apartment at the same moment.

"What's goin' on, guys?" Dave said, walking up to the futon.

"Dirk!" John grabbed at Dirk's hand covering his nose, where John could see small patches of red seeping from his stitches. "I'm so sorry! Shit! I'm sorry! Are you ok?!"

"it's fine, I'm fine," Dirk said, "I'm just gonna...head to the bathroom." When John offered to come and help, he turned to wave him away, saying "stay here."

"What happened, Egbert?" Terezi asked. "Did you get a little overzealous and bite a chunk out of his nose?"

John groaned, dropping back down to the couch.

Dave dropped down beside him. "TZ's gonna crash her for the night. You cool with that?"

"Sure," John shrugged.

"Gonna spend some quality time with my two favorite boys!" She squealed, jumping into Dave's lap and stretching her legs over John.

"Sounds great, TZ." John let out a sigh and leaned his head back, closing his eyes. He was beginning to feel sick again.

"Something happen, bro?" Dave asked. "You look like something happened."

"It's just the hangover," John mumbled. He pressed his knuckles into his eyes until he saw white and wondered just how many ways there were he could hurt his boyfriend in a day.

It was dark out now, but there were still at least a few hours left of the day, surely he could think of some more ways. Surely this wasn't the worst he could do. Surely his actions so far didn't make him the fattest, nastiest trash on earth.

They only made him feel that way.


	31. A Strider's Revenge, Mk II/A Very Happy (and Legal) Birthday

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> In which John has a birthday and it is pleasant.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> this chapter goes out 2 my main homegurl nicole aka nicolespork aka lilcaljunior

After John's attempts to help Dirk with his nosebleed were thwarted, the rest of the night was devoted to video games. Dirk and Terezi took on Dave and John. The two teams had a friendly rivalry going until someone pulled out Parappa the Rapper. After that, John and Terezi sat back as the Striders had a three-hour long rap battle. 

On Friday night, he was almost too excited by the prospect of spending his birthday with his best friend and boyfriend to fall asleep. Drawing himself closer to Dirk and breathing in his scent had helped calm John's nerves. Dirk responded by rolling onto his back and pulling John with him, forcing John to come chest-to-chest with him, and grumbling at John to go to sleep. John had snickered. When he felt Dirk's arm move, he expected to be smacked; instead, he felt Dirk's hand press into his hair, massaging his scalp, and it wasn't long after that until he was asleep.

When he woke up the next day, he felt something small and thin in his arms. Instinctively, he tugged it closer to him, burying his face in the soft fabric. It took a few moments for him to question what exactly was in his arms. He opened his eyes to find Lil Cal staring back at him.

A yelp escaped his lips as Cal flew across the room.The little shit was soon crumpled in a ball in the far corner of the room, but his glossy eyes still stared back at John. John shivered before turning back towards the bed, meaning to dive headfirst into unconsciousness. He found a note waiting for him in the spot that Cal had occupied and recognized Dirk's handwriting and choice of pen color instantly. As he read the note, he heard Dave enter the room and felt the weight of the futon shift as Dave sat down beside him.

"Whatcha got there, birthday boy? A love note from Bro?"

John frowned and looked up at Dave. "It's from him, but it's not a love note. He says he's working until later tonight."

Dave puffed out his chest and pointed his thumb towards himself. "And I'm on John duty 'til then."

"So," John said, chewing on his lip and crinkling the note between his fingers. "I spend the day with you and the night with Dirk? I guess that's alright..."

Dave let out a strangled noise and cringed away from John. "Dude, do you really have to call him that?"

"Call him what, his _name_?" John punched him lightly in the arm. "Do you really think I'm gonna call my boyfriend _Bro_ all the time?"

"That's what I'm sayin', man. It's the _reason_ you're calling him Dirk that gets me," Dave's finger went to push his shades up; his other hand went to grope at the back of his neck. "So you guys are like...legit _boyfriends_ now? Like, long-walks-on-the-beach-while-holding-hands-and-staying-up-all-night-talking-on-the-phone-cuz-you-can't-bare-a-moment-without-hearing-the-other-guy's-voice boyfriends?"

"Yeah," John said with a grin, "I guess. I mean -- not _I guess_ , but -- yes, definitely yes."

"Ok, and while I really am happy for you, this whole...you dating my bro thing," Dave said, "it's...actually pretty fucking awkward for me."

John's stomach dropped and he sat up straighter. "Dave...I thought you were ok with this? Or that...you would be ok. I thought that you were, like, working on being ok with it."

"I was, but..." Dave put his hands on John's shoulders, gripping tightly. "You're dating my _brother_. He raised me. He like, changed my diapers. He _wiped my ass_ , dude. It's like if I was dating your dad. How would you feel if I went after your dad? It'd be pretty fuckin' weird, right? Me dating your dad? _Banging_ your _dad_? On your sofa? How would you feel if I banged your dad on your sofa, dude? Me and your dad, leavin' cum stains on the communal furniture and empty bottles of lube in the crevices, knockin' boots from dusk 'til dawn, waking you up at all hours of the night with our cries of passion -- "

"Ok, dude, I get it! " John said, trying not to gag as he pushed Dave away. "But it's not the same thing! My dad is like... _old_. Older than Dirk. And you're both seeing other people! And...neither of you is into men!" John crossed his arms and gave Dave his sternest look. "If you have a problem with me and Dirk, then just tell me. Don't make imaginary comparisons that involve my -- " John shuddered " -- _dad_."

"Fine." Dave pushed his glasses up the bridge of his nose once more before folding his arms across his chest. "I have an issue with you dating my bro. I can't deal with it. I tried to, but I can't. Sorry, but you gotta make a choice. Either keep doing the best bros thing with me, or keep doing the boyfriend thing with Bro, but I can't be bestest buds with my bro's BF no more. I just can't do it."

"You...what?" John's fingers dug into the futon as he tried to keep control over his breathing. "Are you saying that if I keep seeing Dirk...we can't be _friends_?!" Dave nodded, and John's heart started racing. "Dave -- I'm sorry, I didn't realize this would be so awkward for you, but, c'mon! There has to be another way -- dude, don't look at me like that! I can't help how I feel about your bro, I just...he just...we just! Dave! Come _on_! I can't give either of you up! Are you really going to throw away _how many years of friendship_ \-- because you're brother and I..."

Dave bit down on his lip and his face contorted. John frowned.

"Why are you making that face? Dave?"

A loud snort filled the room as Dave fell back onto the futon, hiding his face behind one hand and clutching his stomach with the other. "Egbert," he gasped between laughs, "I can't believe you sometimes."

John leaned over Dave, trying not to panic. Why the hell was Dave laughing so hard? This was no time to laugh! Their friendship was falling apart! "Dave!" He grabbed onto Dave's shoulder and shook him, but that only made Dave laugh harder. "Dave, _why are you laughing?!_ Does my friendship really mean that little to you?"

Dave pulled his glasses off of his face to wipe at his now damp cheeks. His face was bright red and he was still chuckling, but he had managed to get his breathing under control. John waited and watched. When Dave's face was finally dry, he sat up and placed his glasses back onto his nose. "Happy birthday, John," he said, clapping a hand against John's shoulder.

" _Happy birthday_?" Ok, panicking was definitely in order right now. Dave was obviously suffering from some sort of mental disorder. Maybe the shock of finding out his brother and best friend were dating had finally driven him over the edge? "What about...me and Dirk? And you...not being ok with it? Aren't you mad at me?"

"Nah." Dave lifted his hand to ruffle John's hair. "It was just a prank, dude."

"It was..." John stared dumbly at Dave for several moments before he slammed his hand down on the futon and glared. " _A prank?_ "

"That's right, birthday boy," Dave grinned again and John wanted so badly to slap that grin away. "I figured I had to get you something since Bro's skull annihilated the hammer I gave you. And I thought, what the hell do you get a self-proclaimed ultimate prankster? The ultimate prank's what. And shit, son, I got you _good_."

John's prankster's gambit plummeted. Dave had pranked him. Dave had pranked him hard.

"That wasn't funny, you dick," John said, punching him in the arm.

"Course it was, you're just mad 'cause I totalled your prankometer or whatever the fuck you call it."

John ignored Dave's accurate assumption and bit at his lip, the fingers of one hand still clenching and unclenching against the futon. "So...you still want to be friends with me? Even if I keep dating Di -- uh, Bro?"

"Of course I do, asshole. Best bros for life." Dave said, raising his fist in the air. John met the outstretched hand with his own in a bro-bump, relief rushing through him.

"Does that mean you _are_ ok with it?" John asked.

"Sure," Dave shrugged. "I mean it was weird at first 'cause I felt like I might be left behind by you two but then I had a talk with Terezi and got over it. She's like my rock or whatever I guess?" He paused and John opened his mouth, but Dave started talking again before he could speak. "But my feelings of abandonment may have been caused by some guilty feelings of mine since I kind of neglected you after I started dating Terezi, which is totally my bad and I was kind of paranoid that I maybe pushed you into my bro's arms by not being there for you but I guess that's just plain dumb cuz there are plenty of other arms you could've gone into if you were doing it 'cause you felt neglected by me, right? Like Rose or Jade or someone -- although I guess those wouldn't work since they're not dudes -- but you could've like hooked up with that Karkles guy -- man, that guy was such a tool, I wonder if he and Jade still talk -- anyway yeah so I figure you hooked up with Bro 'cause the two of you had some crazy magic romcom moment under the mistletoe and you realized _he's the one_ or whatever so I'm done feeling guilty about it, I'm just gonna let you and Bro do your thing. And I guess also...y'know..." The rest of Dave's rant faded out in a mumble under his breath.

"Uh..." John was almost afraid to ask Dave to repeat himself in case he would start ranting again. "You kind of mumbled the last bit there, buddy."

Dave turned his face down to rub at his eyes before turning back up to John. "I'm happy for you. You...seem to make each other happy, and while I don't give a shit about his happiness, I'm glad that he for whatever reason floats your boat."

"Aw, Dave!" John leaned forward and pulled Dave in for the tenderest of bro embraces, squeezing him tightly.

"Alright, alright," Dave said, hugging back quickly before shoving John away. "Let's not get too sappy here, birthday boy."

"And don't think for one second I believe that you don't care about Dirk's happiness," John said, pointing a finger at Dave's chest. "I remember how much you admired him when we were younge! You can't lie to me, Dave Strider; I know you too well. You _love_ your big bro."

"Fuck you, Egbert; my bro is lame as hell and I will never admit otherwise."

John frowned and raised one eyebrow at him. "Is your bro _really_ that bad? I mean...I want to know my best friend's honest opinion of the guy I'm dating."

Dave sat in silence, long enough to make John nervous. "Eehh, I don't wanna be shit-talkin' your new BF but he's definitely not the cream of the crop. I don't really get what you see in him but it's your life I ain't here to judge. Yeah I hella admired that guy when I was younger but over the last couple of years I've kind of realized he's like...a super shitty guy for me to have been looking up to for my entire life? Like yeah he's good with a sword but his interpersonal skills suck ass."

"Dave," John scooted closer to him, "if you're having issues with Bro, maybe you should tell him? When I have problems with my dad, I try to talk it out -- he can be overbearing at times, but usually he tries to be understanding and listen -- "

"No, fuck no, fuck this, no," Dave jumped from his seat and spun back around to look at John, "just... _No_. No tender Strider moments are happening, ever, got that, Egbert?"

John rolled his eyes. "Fine, Dave. Have a shitty relationship with your bro for the rest of your life, see if I care."

"Great." Dave clapped his hands together. "So, what do you wanna do first, birthday boy? Order take-out? A movie?"

John leaned back on his hands, mulling over his options. Take-out and a movie seemed like a typical Strider birthday, and he was in the Strider's home...but he wasn't a Strider. He was an Egbert. And he was feeling inspired.

"Actually, I have something else in mind." He stood up and wandered around the living room, looking through the piles of clothes for anything semi-clean he could throw on. "A birthday project. Think you could help me with it?"

"Aw, man, is this gonna involve _work_?" Dave fell back down onto the futon, flinging his arms out. "Birthdays shouldn't involve work."

"I'm the birthday boy and I say we are doing this," John said, holding a hand out to Dave. "Where doing this. _Where making this happen._ "

"Shit, you found my weakness. Quotes from dumbass comics I made when I was thirteen." He grabbed onto John's hand and let himself be hoisted up. "What's the plan?"

John grinned, placing his hands on Dave's shoulders. "We're going to prank Dirk."

\----------------------------------------------------------------

For the rest of John's birthday, there wasn't much he wanted to do besides see Dirk. He didn't want to venture out into the city because that would mean going outside in the heat, so he and Dave ended up spending most of the day inside, with the fan on high, playing video games.

This birthday contained significantly fewer cakes than any of his other birthdays. The Strider household didn't have much of a sweet tooth, and he found himself almost missing the assortment of baked goods his father would prepare for birthdays. There were no cakes on the agenda though, but he was sure his father would be more than happy to make up for his lack of baked goods when he went home.

Terezi joined them when they finally ventured out, after it was dark and had cooled down significantly. They headed to the club that Dirk was working at that night, taking public transportation since Dirk had taken his truck to work. The bus they took smelled like cat pee and Dave laughed when John commented on it.

He decided he didn't like public transportation. He decided he should learn how to drive as soon as possible.

It was a two-block walk from the bus stop to the club, and the line to get into the club was even longer.

"How are we supposed to get in?" John asked.

"Don't worry about it," Dave said, pulling out his phone and typing out a message.

Terezi nudged him in the rib cage and grinned. "We've got _connections_." She waggled her eyebrows at the last word.

"Oh, right! You mean Dirk?"

"You know it," Dave said, grabbing onto Terezi's hand. "This way, kiddos." He led them past the line and turned at the edge of the building, heading down an alley. Dirk stood a ways down, leaning against the side of the building with a paper bag in one hand. "Yo, Bro."

John felt like his heart was about to jump out of his chest. He had seen Dirk just last night, but it still felt strange, seeing him daily. In person. Having a daily, in-person _Dirk_. He couldn't help but feel giddy just thinking about it.

"Hey, lil bro, lil bro's lady-friend." When John was close enough, Dirk took hold of his hand and John's heart stopped beating so violently. "Happy birthday, John," he said, leaning forward to peck the corner of John's mouth.

"Thanks," John said, squeezing once before he twined their fingers together.

Dave cringed. "Gross. Can we go inside before I'm subjected to more of this?"

Dirk jerked his head in the direction of a door on the side of the building. "You know the way. Go ahead and show TZ in. John and I'll follow in a bit."

Dave and Terezi waved good-bye before disappearing through the door. Once they were gone, Dirk let go of John's hand to wrap his own arm around John's waist and leaned down, kissing him once before pulling away.

"I have something for you," he said, nodding towards the paper bag in his hand.

"For me?" John reached out towards the bag. "What is it?"

"Hey!" Dirk slapped his hand away. "No peeking. Now close your eyes and count to ten."

John frowned but complied, pushing his hands behind his glasses to cover both eyes completely. As he counted, he heard the rustling of paper and a _click_. His eyes opened to find a large cupcake sitting in Dirk's outstretched hand, a single lit candle sitting in the frosting.

"A cupcake?" John grinned. "For me?"

"I wasn't really sure if you'd want any baked goods for your birthday at all," Dirk quickly explained, "so if you don't want it, you don't have to eat it. Birthday cakes aren't real big in the Strider family, so I didn't want to get a big one in case you didn't like it. It wasn't real expensive or anything, so don't worry about it if you don't like it. Is it dumb? It's kind of dumb, isn't it. It's fine if you don't like it, I'll just give it to one of the bouncers or something -- "

John cut him off with a kiss, pushing Dirk's hand and the cupcake out of the way. "It's great," John said, still smiling against Dirk's lips. "I was just wishing that I had some cake earlier, and now you've given me a cupcake. Perfect birthday so far."

"Perfect?" Dirk nuzzled John's neck, humming against his skin. "How can it be perfect already when you haven't even blown out the candle yet?"

John turned his head towards the cupcake, held his breath as he thought of a wish, and blew out the candle. "There, now it's perfect." Dirk unwrapped the cupcake and handed it to John, who smiled as he took a bite. "Y'know, you kind of sound like Dave when you ramble."

Dirk grunted and John replied by kissing the tip of his nose.

"We should head inside soon," Dirk said, his breath tickling John's collarbone. "I'm still on duty and my set-up can only run on auto-pilot for so long."

John pulled back, letting his hand fall down to meet Dirk's. "Alright. Let's go inside, then."

Dirk grinned and pulled him by the hand, leading him through the door and down a dark hallway. The music that had been a faint buzz outside was now pulsing through him. He popped the last bite of cupcake into his mouth as Dirk pulled him towards the opening at the end of the hallway. They stopped there and Dirk leaned in close to John.

"I was going to ask if you wanted to come up front with me," he shouted over the music, "but I understand if you'd rather go find Dave. It's pretty boring on-stage unless you're the one DJing, to be honest. Whatever you wanna do is fine with me."

"I haven't seen you all day!" John said, bringing his hand up to caress Dirk's cheek. "I want to go where you go."

Dirk smirked and John wasn't sure if it was the energy from the club or because he hadn't seen him all day, but it was one of the few smirks that wasn't aggravating; it was enticing.

Dirk squeezed his hand and held out a set of ear plugs to John, saying, "you're gonna need these." After he put them in, Dirk guided him through the opening and up a staircase, to the stage where music was blaring from giant speakers. He looked out on the crowd in hopes of waving to Dave, but there were too many people and it was too packed to see anything. He didn't think Dave would be able to see him anyway, what with all of the equipment in the way.

He was directed on where he could and couldn't stand and obeyed, feeling extra compliant since his day had been so wonderful so far. Mostly, he stood behind Dirk with his arm's wrapped around his boyfriend's waist, closing his eyes and leaning against the firm build in front of him, occasionally leaving open-mouthed kisses along the back of Dirk's neck. He watched Dirk work and barely recognized any of the equipment he worked with. Those were turntables, right? It all looked heavy and expensive and he felt it would definitely be best if he didn't touch anything. So he kept his hands off the equipment and kept them solely focused on Dirk.

Looking out on the crowd was interesting, too. He imagined Dave and Terezi down there somewhere, doing something ironic, or maybe even something sincere -- Terezi seemed to bring that side out of him. Whether sincere or ironic, they were surely making fun of the majority of people at this event.

John closed his eyes and tried to concentrate on the music -- because this was Dirk's passion, this was art that he created, and he wanted to support it and know it like the back of his hand. It was mostly heavy bass, but that might just have been his proximity to the speakers. He didn't hear any familiar pop songs mixed in to the set, only what seemed to be original music; he wasn't sure which was the norm for DJs but if Dirk only played original content, then that was his preference as well.

After a few minutes of concentrating on the music, he heard a different instrument come into use -- a piano, which surprised him. He thought the juxtaposition was beautiful, though; listening to the two tracks alone, you would never think they'd mesh this well. But Dirk made it work.

The piano piece sounded familiar, like something he'd played before, but who was it? Pachelbel? Vivaldi? Bach? It was jut on the tip of his tongue, he almost had it --

He jumped back in surprise, felt a large wire come under foot, felt himself slip and soon found himself with his ass planted firmly on the ground. Dirk turned around, pulling his headphones off and wearing surprise clear behind his shades. He held a hand out to John and shouted something that John couldn't hear but guessed was close to "are you alright?"

John nodded, taking the hand and letting himself be hoisted up. He stood next to Dirk and pointed towards the speaker, then at himself. "That's _me_!" He shouted, hoping Dirk could hear him. It seemed he at least understood what he meant, because Dirk smiled and nodded.

"Like it?" He shouted.

"Dirk!" John frowned and punched his boyfriend lightly in the chest. "I can't believe -- of course I do!"

"I'm glad," Dirk shouted. He ran a hand through John's hair and pulled him forward, pressing a kiss to his forehead. "I love you," he said, running his nose across John's hairline and down to his ear. "Happy birthday."

John felt something swell up from his gut up to the tips of his ears and back down to the soles of his feet and he wanted to say it he wanted to say it he wanted to say it but his tongue was hot and swelling in his mouth and Dirk wouldn't be able to hear him anyway over the music and the people and the _noise_ so instead he wrapped his hands around Dirk's waist, pushing forward until his face was buried in piqué cotton and everything around him faded away but the sensation of Dirk's arms circling around him, hugging him tightly.

He didn't realize he had tilted his head until he found Dirk's mouth pressed to his, hadn't realized that they were moving until he felt the edge of a table press against the backs of his thighs, didn't notice he had been lifted into a sitting position onto a flat surface until he felt the absence of Dirk's hands on his legs as they repositioned themselves against his cheek and into his hair.

For a brief moment, he felt panic run through him as he realized that they were in public, and he wondered if Dirk had completely given up caring about the legality of their relationship -- and then he remembered that he was seventeen now.

Seventeen was legal in Texas.

They broke apart to breathe and Dirk smiled down at him, still cupping John's face in his hands. "Good birthday?"

"Best birthday," he mumbled, tugging on Dirk's wrists and pulling him down for another kiss.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> god look at how happy and cute they are
> 
> i hope they stay that way forever


	32. A Cliché Thing

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Cock slut and Kevin Spacey continue the birthday celebrations, in fanservice-style.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> this chapter brought to you by [anal lube](http://www.stashwax.com/img/val/1315-01-.JPG).

Dirk's shift didn't go on for much longer. It was a little over an hour until John was outside pressed against the side of Dirk's truck. He hissed and shivered as teeth scraped against him and nails dug into his sides. They inched to the side, Dirk groping behind him to find the door handle. The door was soon open and John found himself leaning farther and farther backwards until his head was pressed against the worn upholstery, pulling Dirk's mouth down with his own. Dirk growled and pulled away, sending John into shock at the loss of contact.

"While I appreciate your flexibility and will definitely keep that in mind for later activities," Dirk said between heavy breaths, "I don't think either of us will be able to get into the car by performing group aerobic exercises."

"How do you know that, though, unless we try?" John said, standing up straight against Dirk.

"John," Dirk's hands wandered down to get a firm grasp of John's ass. In return, John's arms wrapped more tightly around his waist. "Get in the car so we can go home."

"Di-irk -- "

" _Get in the fucking robot, Shinji._ "

After frowning at Dirk, John leaned forward to nip at his lower lip. He pulled away, dragging the lip with him briefly before climbing into the truck and folding his arms across his chest.

"Stop pouting, it's only a ten-minute drive," Dirk said, climbing in beside him.

"I'm not pouting."

"Are too."

"Am not!" He straightened his face as best as he could and scooted into the middle seat, resting his hand on Dirk's knee. "That's just how my face looks."

"I can believe that," Dirk said, eyeing the hand in his lap. The next few moments were filled with a tense silence as John's hand crawled up Dirk's thigh.

John rested his head against Dirk's shoulder, ignoring the look Dirk wore.

"John, kindly remove your hand from my crotch."

"Why, is it bothering you?"

"Kinda hard to concentrate with your hand gently caressing my inner thigh."

"Di-irk, it's my _birthday_..."

"And I want to get you home safe and sound. Think about your friends and family. What would it do to poor lil Dave if his best bro died in a car crash?"

"Oh my god!" John jumped to the opposite side of the cab, hand grasping at the door. "We forgot about Dave! And Terezi! We left them at that club!"

Dirk grabbed for John's shoulder, pulling him back towards the center of the seats. "Calm down, John! Dave and Terezi are taken care of."

John turned his head, raising one eyebrow suspiciously at his boyfriend. " _Taken care of?_ "

"Yeah," Dirk shrugged, putting his arm around John and tugging the younger man closer to him. "I gave them cab fare and told Dave to crash at TZ's for the night. That way, the two of us can have the apartment to ourselves..."

"Oh..." _The whole apartment...all to ourselves._

"Is that alright?" Dirk straightened beside him.

" _Yes._ " He took hold of Dirk's hand and squeezed, letting the other hand return to rest on Dirk's knee. "It is literally all of the rights. All of them. And all of the yeses. So much confirmation is being sent your way, dude."

"That's always good to hear." Dirk squeezed back and John burrowed deeper into his side, leaning as far into him as he could.

The drive was short and mostly silent, the only sounds coming from Dirk slapping John's hand away. When they reached the apartment complex, John demanded that the birthday boy should be given a piggyback ride up to the Striders' abode. Dirk sighed and obliged until they reached the front door to the apartment, claiming that John was in the way of him finding the keys and opening the door.

Shortly after John stepped into the apartment, he found himself being slammed against the front door, forcing it closed behind him. Dirk's mouth was on his instantly, their tongues melding together as John fought to remember how to stand upright.

"Dirk," he mumbled, "I wanna ask you something."

Dirk's hands tickled the hem of John's shirt, crawling beneath the fabric to smooth over John's waistline and skirt across the small span of hip bone they could find. "Shoot," he said, kneeling to press his nose into the fabric of John's shirt. His stomach filled with nerves and excitement as Dirk's nose tickled at the hair circling his navel and he left kisses along John's stomach.

"Is this, like -- are we actually, like -- it sounds so dumb to say _going all the way_ when we've pretty much gone there and back and neither of us have, like, a cherry to be popped, or whatever -- "

"Black cherry," Dirk said, "when you get a dick in the ass for the first time, it's called popping your black cherry."

"Um, ok, right. So, is that -- uh, y'know, are we doing...that?"

_Curse your elegant and seductive ways, Egbert._

Dirk stood, pushing his shades up to rest atop his head. "Is that alright?"

"Again, dude," John said, tugging on Dirk's waist and pulling him closer. "All of the confirmation, you have it."

"Good," Dirk said, placing a hand on each side of John's face and pecking lightly against his lips, "because I have wanted to fuck you for the longest time."

John smiled, pushing his hands beneath Bro's shirt and lifting. The shirt came off and the shades disappeared. "Good," he repeated. "But there's still -- a thing."

"A thing?" There went their belts.

"A thing," John bit at his lip and Bro's hands slowed down. "But the thing about the thing is -- if I say it now, then it's gonna be cliché because of what we're about to do -- " Dirk smirked and John ignored him " -- but there's pretty much no way that I won't be able to say it during, and to say it then would be even more cliché."

His stomach tore itself up, forming knot after gordian knot as Dirk stared him down, waiting for him to continue. He wasn't really sure _how_ he could continue until he felt Dirk's hand in his hair. "It's ok to be cliché sometimes, if that's what you're worried about," Dirk said with a smile. "Just think of it as if you're being intentionally cliché. Then it's just ironic."

"Ok, well -- I want you to know that I mean this 100% unironically, but -- the thing is, I want to say that I, uh, love you. I wanted to say it back at the club when you played that song, but I didn't want you to think I was only saying it because you did something nice for me -- and I wanted to say it when you first said it to me the other day, but I didn't want to say it just because you said it, I guess? Which sounds dumb, thinking back on it. I just wanted to say it because I wanted to, I guess, but it seems like every time I want to say it, there's a reason not to. So I thought I should just spit it out already, because -- I just want you to know, I guess."

"Hmm." Dirk smiled and pressed a kiss against John's nose. "I have the cutest fucking boyfriend."

"Don't call me cute, it's patronizing," John said, frowning as Dirk began walking backwards, tugging John along with him.

"I don't mean cute in a childish way, I mean cute in an 'I wanna nail you against the wall' way."

"Then why are we moving away from the wall?"

"Because the futon is much more comfortable." Dirk stopped at the edge of the futon, pulling John flush against him. "I love you too, cock slut."

John grinned, bringing his hands up to rest against Dirk's chest. "I thought _you_ were cock slut."

"I think we both know who the _real_ cock slut of this relationship is."

"Obviously." John smirked and pushed forcefully against Dirk's chest, sending him backwards onto the futon. "But I don't mind taking the title for the night, if you don't mind giving it up."

"I think this birthday thing is going to your head," Dirk said as he wriggled out of his pants. John was still standing, hopping in place as he tried to free himself of all clothing. "You want to take my chastity _and_ my title? Not cool, dude. Didn't your father teach you to be a gentleman?"

"Pfft, what chastity?" John asked as he slunk down to the floor between Dirk's legs.

"Whoa, can't believe you're even questioning my chastity," Dirk propped himself up on his elbows, eyes cast down towards John curiously. His legs hung over the edge at the knee, letting his feet rest on the floor on either side of John.

"Whatever, cock slut," John said. Dirk mumbled something that he ignored. He wrapped a hand around each of Dirk's thighs, pulling them apart and giving himself more room. As he mulled over the dick in front of him, he wondered when Dirk had gotten completely naked. He decided not to question it. Instead, he held Dirk's shaft in one hand and pressed his tongue flat against the underside, licking one stripe from the base to the very tip of his head. He felt Dirk's hand run through his hair and tug. Thinking it was an encouragement, he pressed several small kisses against Dirk's shaft. There was another, stronger tug of his hair and he looked up to meet Dirk's gaze.

"C'mere," Dirk said with a nod of his head. John obeyed, clambering into Dirk's lap.

When John opened his mouth to ask a question, he found his tongue was too preoccupied by Dirk's to form sounds. There was _friction_ happening and he couldn't help but grind against Dirk, desperate for sensation. Not for the last time that night, he whined against Dirk's lips. Dirk pulled away with a grin, his hand falling down to meet the two growing erections between them. He swept his fingers across John's dick, tracing imaginary lines across his skin.

He inclined his head forward until John could feel the breath against his ears. "Just let me make you feel good tonight, alright?" As if Dirk sensed the protest coming, he took hold of John's earlobe with his teeth, dragging his teeth across the skin, down John's jawline, delighted by the shiver that went through the younger man. As soon as John realized Dirk was twisting beneath him, he found his back pressed hard against the futon and lips pressed even harder against his own. Annoyed but too aroused to be unwilling, he let Dirk take control. His annoyance was quickly fading, anyway. He was mostly turned on at this point.

Dirk's fingertips grazed along John's side, digging in possessively and making John's heart beat rapidly, making his brain go into overdrive, because the simplest of touches from Dirk was enough to send him over the edge at any given time. And Dirk was only making it worse now, dragging his fingers lower and lower until they were groping and kneading at the skin between buttocks and thigh, his lips still working their way over the soft flesh of John's abdomen.

Dirk nosed over his happy trail, tickling John with his breath as he did so, enough to force out a small laugh and Dirk grinned. He took John's erection in one hand, the sensation enough to make John's laughter cease, and pumped lazily, as if getting John off wasn't an incredibly urgent matter. His attention was more focused on the sensitive area between John's leg and pelvis, where Dirk was sucking a bruise into John's skin. The feeling made John squirm against the futon awkwardly, but Dirk held him in place with one hand.

"A birthday hickey," he said, pressing a light kiss to the spot he had just worked on.

John propped himself up on his elbows, looking down to the spot Dirk was kissing. "I thought _you_ thought hickey's were childish."

He shrugged. "I was feeling possessive." He looked up, and John thought he looked almost apprehensive for a moment. "That alright?"

John nodded. "But saying it's a birthday hickey is sort of like saying it's a rare treat or something. It's like, the opposite of rare. I am literally covered in love bites from you."

"Yeah, but this one was intentional."

John grinned and ran a hand through Dirk's hair. "Is it intentional that your mouth is in perfect proximity to suck my dick, or is that just a coincidence?"

"Egbert, jeez, so impatient. You really aren't a gentleman after all. Dadbert will be so ashamed."

Before John could gripe about mentioning his _father_ while they were _doing it_ , Dirk's hand was at John's base and his lips around the head, reaching down until his lips met the extremity currently surrounding John's dick. John let out a strangled breath and his grip on Dirk's hair slackened before tightening, pushing down involuntarily while consciously tugging. 

Embarrassing and incoherent noises wouldn't cut it, though. He needed to give some sort of verbal encouragement. All he could manage was a strangled moan and that was enough to coax Dirk on. One hand wandered down past his lower abdomen and Dirk let his teeth drag lightly across John's dick and he groaned, squeezing his eyes shut and tilting his head back.

All too soon, Dirk pulled away. He pushed lightly against John's shoulders, commanding him to lie back. He leaned down and reached beneath the futon, moving his hand around until he found what he was looking for. When he pulled his hand back, he held a large pump bottle with a black label. John craned his neck to read the label, where the brand name was written in a large, white font.

"Oh my god." John almost sat up but Dirk's hand was pressed against his abdomen, holding him down. "Did you seriously buy that giant thing of -- _lube_?! Oh my god. Of course you did. Why does this surprise me?"

"Really, why does it surprise you?" Dirk said with a smirk. "Now spread 'em, sweet cheeks."

Showing off his enthusiasm, John swung his legs open wide, hitching one over the back of the futon. "I can just imagine it," he said, letting the other leg hang over the edge of the futon, "you going into Wal-Mart and picking out the biggest bottle of lube they had and slamming it down against the counter as you grinned. I bet that was all you bought, too."

"Actually, I bought a cucumber and a copy of 50 Shades of Grey with it. Now shut it."

John watched as Dirk slicked two fingers before leaning down, pressing a kiss against the mark he'd left earlier and spreading John wider with his clean hand. His other hand disappeared from view but John could feel it, pressing against him and slowly pushing inside of him. He let out something between a gasp and a sigh and he felt Dirk chuckle against him. It was an odd sensation, but not altogether unpleasant. Just different. He could feel Dirk's finger, curling and uncurling against him, rotating to stretch him fully. John's breath hitched when Dirk pulled out momentarily, only to add a second finger. It still wasn't bad, just different, but Dirk's fingers kept twisting, pushing, scissoring, twirling, until they found what they were looking for.

" _Dirk_ , god..."

"Aha. Found it."

Dirk curled his fingers again and John couldn't help but whine for it, the pressure building as he was pinned against the futon by Dirk's fingers alone, penetrating him, causing all sorts of unmanageable pleasure to shoot through him.

"Come -- _on_ \-- "

"Are you going to ask nicely?" Dirk was purring at his ear, curling and uncurling his fingers inside of John, whose voice was caught by Dirk's deft joints. All he could do was pant and squirm inelegantly against the sheets, pulling them loose around him.

"God -- _please_ \-- "

He gasped as Dirk's fingers withdrew, panting at the loss of sensation. His boyfriend and current tormentor's name came out in another whine as John threw a hand up to cover his eyes. He felt the dexterity of his legs being tested as Dirk pulled one up to latch over his shoulder, felt something press against him -- not just _something_ , it could only be one thing at this point in the game -- and peeked between his splayed fingers to see Dirk, nipping against his neck. He removed his hand completely when Dirk looked up to speak.

"You keep forgetting to breathe," he said. "This is gonna be difficult if you keep doing that."

"I like difficult."

"I noticed," Dirk replied. He backed away, taking all of his weight off of the younger man. "Get on your hands and knees, John."

Whoa, did that sound hot.

John obeyed, rolling over onto his stomach and pushing himself up onto his hands and knees. Dirk stood on his knees behind him, pulling John's legs apart to his liking. He heard what sounded like Dirk applying more lube, heard a tearing noise that must have been a condom wrapper, felt Dirk pull his cheeks apart, felt a lubed-up dick slide up against him and pause.

"Hey, John," Dirk said and John could feel him right there could feel Dirk throbbing against him but not _inside_ of him and that was the most aggravating thing in the entire universe.

He had to lick his lips before speaking. "What?"

"Say it again."

"Say _what_ again?"

"You know what."

"...No!"

"C'mon. Say it."

"No way. I don't even like you. You own a copy of 50 Shades of Grey."

"Jo-ohn." Dirk leaned down against him, pressing kisses in the dip of his lower back and wrapping a hand around his dick, pumping once. "Please?"

In that moment, John was certain he knew what a building felt like as it was about to collapse, pushed to the brink until it's support crumbles. That was exactly how he felt.

He buried his forehead into the mattress before speaking. "Dirk, you asshole, I love you. A lot. Not just because you're about to stick your dick in my ass, but, because. Of reasons. That's why. So...fucking _do it already!_ "

Dirk laughed and slapped one hand against John's ass and John realized that, yup, spanking was definitely probably another kink to add to the list because, yeah, his dick definitely agreed with that sensation. Dirk was pressing against him now, pushing inside, and he tried to remember what Dirk said about breathing, something about breathing but he couldn't remember a damn thing as Dirk's cock took up his insides, filling him to the brim and making him wonder just how much pressure it would take to implode.

It wasn't painful, only slightly uncomfortable at first, but Dirk earned his arrogance well by turning John's prostate into a glorious pool of absolute bliss.

It felt _beautiful_.

No, that was too cheesy.

He couldn't tell where one of them ended and the other began.

God, even cheesier.

(But it was ironic if it was intentional, right?)

He was going to burst at the seams, he was sure of it, but he wanted it, it was inevitable and he was just _praying_ for that moment to come as quickly as possible (praying to Dirk's _dick_ because if there was a god, that would obviously be the messiah) while simultaneously wishing for this moment to last for eternity because nothing had ever felt this good and _nothing could_ ever _feel this good_.

He didn't realize he was thrusting back against Dirk. He couldn't tell if he was moving or still or conscious or dreaming or alive or dead -- all he could feel was _yes_. The only indicator of motion were the sounds of Dirk thrusting into him and moaning his name, the feel of Dirk's hands gripping more and more tightly into John's ass in attempts to keep him still, (he hoped there would be marks there -- _god_ did that sound masochistic) and the faint feeling of his knees threatening to give out beneath him. But those could suffer for the moment. Those were trivial compared to this feeling. _This feeling._

This feeling of being completely and utterly consumed -- or was he the one doing the consuming? This feeling of not caring who was consuming whom, of pure, unadulterated hedonism.

The feeling of Dirk's hips slapping against him was becoming more and more relevant -- because that sound alone was enough to drive him crazy. The feel of it alone -- dear _god_ he couldn't help but wonder how far this pain kink went, if they would need to invest in a set of handcuffs or some sturdy rope, maybe a whip -- god, the feeling of Dirk's skin pressing against him --

Jelly, that's what his legs were, wibbly-wobbly gelatin. He wasn't sure when his arms had given out, but it seemed as though they had retired since his shoulders were pressed against the futon, his hands laying weakly beside his head. Something akin to a warning was mumbled against his ear but he wasn't sure what it meant until Dirk tugged on him, avoiding a collapse by pulling John into his lap. The new angle caught him off guard, causing him to let out a moan he was too far gone to hear. He arched his back, resting his head against Dirk's shoulder. His feet were pressed against the futon beneath him as he tried to keep his balance, Dirk guiding him up and down, letting him make the pace. Dirk was panting at his ear for a moment before he leaned down, digging his teeth into a favorite spot of his on John's neck.

All of the feeling, all of the yes, all of the confirmation, all of the warmth and the heat and pain and pleasure and _yes_ was pooling in the very depths of him and there wasn't much more he could take as Dirk's hand worked at his rigid erection. He brought one hand up to grip into Dirk's hair because he needed purchase on _something_ that he knew wouldn't falter and Dirk was the only viable option. Dirk mimicked his action by taking his guiding hand away from John's hip and tugging at John's hair, pulling his head back and continuing his work on John's neck.

John cried out as Dirk gave one particularly vicious bite to his neck and he felt the Strider shudder beneath him and he realized -- Dirk had come first, and there was a sick sense of pride that he felt before he was blowing his own load on the futon in front of them.

They continued their motions as they rode out their orgasms, slowing down until they were motionless against each other. Dirk brought his arms up to wrap around John's waist and left soft kisses along his shoulders, tending to all the bite marks he had left across John's skin.

John let his eyes fall shut and he let his weight fall against Dirk. Now what? Was there life outside of orgasming? What did people do when they weren't getting fucked in the ass?

_...They probably don't spend all night sitting on their boyfriend's dick._

Wincing, he pulled himself off of Dirk, scooted to the clean side of the futon and plopped down, rolling over to look back up at Dirk. He was tying off the used condom before flinging it across the room where it bounced off a wall and landed in a trashcan.

"10 points to Strider," John said, a smile creeping across his face as Dirk grinned down at him. Dirk crawled towards him, laying beside him and splaying an arm and his chin across John's chest.

"How do you feel?" He asked, bringing up a hand to brush back John's sweat-drenched fringe.

John giggled before mentally slapping himself. "Uh...it was...awesome?"

"So I rocked your world, huh?"

John suppressed another giggle and ran a hand through Dirk's hair, picking out a tuft to twirl between his fingers. "Uh...sort of?"

"Good." He scooted forward enough so he was head-to-head with John. "I wasn't too rough, was I?"

"No! No," John shook his head quickly, "no, not at all."

Dirk grinned. "Did you wish I was _rougher_?"

"Uh...maybe. I mean, like, when you smacked my butt? I thought, 'wow, ok, yes, that was a nice thing.' So, like, maybe more of that?"

Dirk leaned forward to meet John's mouth. After a lazy kiss, he sighed contentedly against him. "I wish I wasn't so old so I could fuck you again."

John wrapped an arm and a leg around him and ducked his head down to rest against his shoulder. "You can, y'know. If you want."

"Gimme a day to recuperate."

"...Make it a short day, ok?"

Dirk grunted in response. When John looked up, his eyes were already closed. He pressed a kiss against Dirk's cheek and mumbled one last "I love you" before turning his head down and closing his eyes. He felt Dirk's arm tighten around him and he snuggled into it, smiling agaisnt him. Soon, they were both snoring, having fallen asleep in a mess of limbs and sweat post-coital bliss.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> have i made it fucking obvious that i'm into biting yet or what


	33. Robots and Pranks

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Post-birthday snuggles and birthday gifts. Bonus x-tremely lame prankage and unlame evil robots.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> this chapter is much shorted than i intended it to be but i couldn't fit in everything that i wanted to without it feeling super awkward

John woke up first. He was always the first one awake.

He liked to watch Dirk sleep sometimes.

Okay, he liked to watch Dirk all of the times, regardless of whether or not the man was conscious. There was pretty much never a time when John was against simply setting his eyes on Dirk and leaving them there.

It wasn’t just that he was pretty. He _was_ pretty, in a conventional-yet-masculine way, with his long lashes and hard jaw and totally awesome butt. He was just…nice to look at. He was _John’s_ , and John loved to revel in the fact that looking at Dirk and touching Dirk and kissing Dirk and being touched and kissed and looked at by Dirk were all things that he could do for as long as he wanted _whenever he wanted._

Until he went back to New York, at least.

Oh god. His trip was already halfway over. He would be going back to New York soon.

The thought made his stomach drop and he turned into Dirk, wrapping an arm tightly around his torso. Dirk let out a murmur beneath his breath and turned towards John, who burrowed deeper into his side.

"Go back to sleep," Dirk mumbled, his voice thick and groggy.

"Don’t wanna." John paused to run his hands along Dirk's back, tracing the letters of his name across the skin. “Dirk?"

Dirk pressed a hand into his eyes, rubbing the sleep away. “What?"

John squeezed once tightly and pushed forward until Dirk was on his back. Pushing himself up by his hands, he moved until he was hovering over Dirk. “Thanks."

Dirk smiled and something in John’s chest turned in on itself. He raised a hand to John’s cheek, petting his skin. "What for?"

"I don't know. A nice birthday, I guess?" John swatted at his arm. “That song? That was so cool! I can’t believe you did that for me…is that why you wanted me to send you that track of me playing the piano forever ago?"

"Yeah." Dirk’s hand reached up to ruffle John’s hair. He sat up on his elbows, stretching and yawning. “I have the mp3 of it too, if you want. I was going to burn it to a CD, but…I wasn’t sure if you’d like it."

John swatted Dirk’s arm several more times in succession. “Of course I like it, you dummy! It’s the best birthday gift ever!" John paused to think. “So, does that mean you can listen to it whenever? Like right now, for instance?"

Dirk grinned. “I’ll go put it on."

He crawled out of bed, not bothering to put any clothes on before heading towards his desktop. He flung himself down into the plush desk chair and John grimaced.

"Dude, you just sat down in that butt-naked! You’re not even gonna put underwear on first?"

Dirk shrugged and turned the monitor on. “My house. My chair. Why shouldn't I press my ass against it?"

John shrugged and fell back down against the bed. "Whatever, weirdo." He was half-blind without his glasses, turning the ceiling into a muddled blend of grays and whites. Turning onto his stomach, he burrowed beneath the sheets in search of his glasses. He knew they were somewhere on the bed, having fallen off while Dirk was _ramming his ass_. His skin warmed at the memory and he tried to ignore it because this was glasses-getting-time and not sexy-thoughts-having-time.

"What are you doing?" Dirk's voice was accompanied by the clicking of the keyboard and the sound of a mouse moving against foam.

"Looking for my glasses," John answered, poking his head out momentarily before diving back below the bedding. There was silence again as Dirk continued to click and John continued to search. Moments after John decided to give up entirely ( _Where the hell could they be?_ ), he heard the same tune he'd heard the night before and paused to smile.

The sheets were pulled up from around him and Dirk was standing there, holding his glasses out to him and giving him a half-smile. John rolled onto his back and Dirk followed, climbing over him to straddle John's waist. He leaned down to slide John's glasses into place then took hold of John's hands, pressing them down against the bed.

His vision was clear now as he smiled up at Dirk. "How did you make it sound so pretty?"

Dirk's lips twitched and he squeezed John's hands. "I tried to make it sound like you."

"You think I'm _pretty_?"

"Of course I think you're pretty." He jutted his lip out in an attempt to frown but somehow still looked amused. "I think you're beautiful."

"Oh my god," John pulled his hand away to cover his face, dragging Dirk's with it, and turned his face against the mattress. "You just called me _beautiful_."

"I also fucked you in the ass last night after making you tell me you love me," Dirk reminded him, nosing the expanse of skin John had just given him access to below his ear. "Which one do you think would be more embarrassing to a normal human being?"

John turned his head, catching Dirk's mouth with his own. "What's so great about being normal?"

"Hmm," Dirk smiled against his lips and stretched out, settling against him and resting his chin in one hand. "That's a good point." He ran his other hand through John's hair, picking out a lock to tug and twirl. "I have another gift for you, if you want to see it."

John's eyes widened as he propped himself up by his arms. "Another gift? For me?"

"Who else would it be for?" Dirk tugged lightly on a strand of hair before letting it go and rolling onto his back, folding his arms behind his head. "It's a combination birthday gift and explanation, actually. Remember how immaculate my room at Lalonde Manor was?"

"Yeah, that was so weird!"

"Would you like to know _how_ my room was kept so immaculate?" John nodded his head violently and Dirk opened his mouth in a shout. "Hey, Seb!"

There was a whirring noise and a bang as the hall closet door slammed open. A second passed before a bunny made of metal appeared in front of the futon, causing John to jump in surprise.

"What the fuck -- _Dirk what is that?!_ "

"That’s Lil Seb. Hey, Seb," the small creature’s shades — identical to Dirk’s, except these ones were in red — flashed blue once, “meet the new chief, John." He jutted his thumb towards John and Seb turned, beeping once as his eyes changed again, scanning over John with a blue light. He beeped once more and his arm turned upwards, extending out towards John.

"Um…what is he doing?"

"Seems as if he wants to shake your hand, John." Dirk nudged him forward.

"O…kay…"

John’s hand reached out tentatively and he grasped onto the metal paw in front of him. After shaking once, the arm retracted with a soft whirring noise.

"He's actually pretty cute!" John said with a smile.

"Not as cute as you," Dirk said, dragging his mouth across John's exposed back.

John managed to ignore Dirk's usually distracting mouth to focus on the small creature in front of him. "What's he do?"

"Whatever, everything," Dirk mumbled. He pulled back and narrowed his eyes at John. "Except housework. Lil Seb's too good for menial work."

John continued to watch Lil Seb, who was looking...somewhere. Was it at John? It didn't seem as if he had eyes behind those lenses. How did he see?

"Is he the gift," John said, tearing his eyes away from Seb's gaze, "or the explanation?"

"Both." Dirk yawned and stretched his arms out before rolling onto his side. “This little guy is the reason my room was so tidy. Roxy ordered him to keep it that way. She had to do some rewiring to get him to disobey my orders when I told him to fuck off and leave my room be, which is why I took him. Lil Seb’s too good for housework."

"So…you stole my step-mom’s robotic bunny?"

"It’s not hers," Dirk’s eyes narrowed and his tone sharpened. “I’m the one who made the thing."

" _So_ ," John bit his lip and frowned in concentration, “you made a robot bunny, and then Roxy stole it, and then you stole it back."

"Yeah, well, no," Dirk, scratched at his chin, his brow furrowing. "Originally, he was a gift to Jane, and then he sort of ended up back in my hands, and then Jake 'borrowed' him, and then Jane took him back, then Roxy kidnapped him, and he's been hopping around from owner to owner like that. It evolved into a game between the four of us, kidnapping Seb and seeing how long we could keep ahold of him," he brushed John's hair away from his face and pressed a kiss to his cheek. "Now it's your turn."

Dirk's smile was blinding so John turned away from it, reaching a hand towards Seb. "Okay, but," he pressed the blue hat symbol on his chest to see if anything would happen, but Seb only continued to stand perfectly still, "if it's a game between you and your friends, why are you giving him to me?"

"John." He felt his chin being tugged in a direction and soon was in view of Dirk's face, looking at him with a soft expression. "They're more than my friends. The other day, you were asking me about my family, right? They're my family. Seb is sort like a family heirloom, so...I want you to have him now."

"Oh."

"You're doing it again."

"Sorry." It came out as a mumble as John slid back to lay against Dirk, burying his face in the arm Dirk had slid beneath him. "I don't know what to say. I'm just...really happy. Reall happy that you trust me with an _heirloom_."

Dirk's finger hooked under John's head, turning it back to face him. "I'd trust you with a lot more than an heirloom."

Before the tint of his cheeks could give him away, John twisted around and kissed Dirk. "I love you," he mumbled, which Dirk took as incentive to grab John by the waist and turn him fully towards the older man. His thighs gripped on either side of Dirk's waist as he found himself being hoisted into the man's lap, never breaking the kiss as they moved in one fluid motion. John pulled away to grin down at Dirk, pressing their foreheads together.

"You know, waking up naked sure is convenient for morning sex."

Dirk wrapped a hand around the nape of John's neck, twisting his fingers in a few hairs. "The thought had crossed my mind," he murmured, pulling John down for a languid kiss. He spread his fingers through John's hair, tilting his head and deepening their kiss, letting their tongues glide against each other. John's eyes fluttered closed, opening again almost instantly to look to the side, where Seb still stood, his shades pointed directly at them.

"Um," John pulled away, glancing back and forth between Dirk and Seb, "what about Seb? He's just sort of...watching us."

"John," his hands slid down to cup John's glutes, rubbing circles into the skin still tender from the night before, causing John to bite down on his lip and let out a heavy breath, "he's only a robot. Besides, I figured you'd be the kinda guy who gets off on being watched."

Dirk raised his eyebrows once at John and John frowned. "I don't think I'd be into that, sorry. Even if it is just a robot."

"Suit yourself." His lips met John's again and Dirk's hands slid across his hips, dipping down to rub his inner thighs. John's breath hitched and he pulled away. "You're gonna have to give him something else to do, though, or else he's just gonna stand there." Dirk nibbled at John's earlobe, kissed his throat and lifted his own hips to graze against John. Though neither of them were hard yet, it was a welcome sensation, and John shivered as Dirk's hands kept wandering, caressing, rubbing against him.

"Um, Seb -- go! Go back to the closet!"

There was a whirring noise and Seb disappeared. Dirk pulled away, his hands pausing as he frowned back up at John.

"You sent him back to the closet?"

"What else was I supposed to do with him? He was just staring at us!"

Dirk tugged lightly at John's hair, pulling his head back. "Something better than that." John rolled his eyes and Dirk tugged again. "I should punish you for being so cruel to him."

John tried to bite back a grin as he gazed down at Dirk. "I think you're right. I deserve to be punished."

Dirk smirked up at him. "I thought you'd agree."

\----------------------------------------------------------------

It was the late afternoon by the time either of them left the bed. They were both sore from the waist down after their day together.

When Dirk finally left the bed, it was to shower. John would have attempted to chase after him if he'd had the strength. Instead, he lied in bed and stared up at the ceiling. Lil Seb roamed through apartment, making clicking and whirring noises doing who knew what. John stayed there, motionless, listening to Seb go about his business and the song Dirk had put together for him playing in the background.

As soon as he heard the shower turn on, he heard keys jingling in the door. He pulled the sheets over himself a split second before Dave walked through the door.

Dave paused at the sight in front of him, and John stared wide-eyed back at him, wondering what he would do. Dave cleared his throat and turned to close the door behind him, nodding his head at John before heading to the kitchen.

"'Sup, Egbert."

"Uh," John sat up in the bed, pulling the covers more closely around himself. "Nothing much. How was Terezi's?"

"Good." He grabbed a juice box from the cupboard and made his way to the living room. "So, I take it from your lack of clothes and your position on my bro's bed that somebody got lucky last night."

John peeked a glance up at Dave from beneath his fringe. "Are you gonna try to strife me if I confirm your suspicions?"

"Naw." He sat down on the floor in front of the futon, grabbing the remote and turning the tv on. "'Scool."

"Okay, then, yeah," John answered, scooting closer to Dave. "We, uh, you know. Did you...I mean, with Terezi, do you guys?"

He frowned at the realization that Dave probably knew much more about his relationship with Dirk than he knew about Dave and Terezi.

"No way, man; I'm saving myself for marriage."

The answer caught him off guard and he shook the thought out of his head. "Seriously?"

"Hell no." He took another long sip from the juicebox. "TZ can't keep her hands off me. Can't say I blame her. Got those sweet Strider genes all up in my DNA."

"Oh, well, cool." He turned his attention to the TV. Dave had turned a cartoon on. He heard Lil Seb buzzing on the other side of the apartment and turned towards Dave again. "Dirk gave me something. He said it was a family heirloom."

"An heirloom?" Dave frowned, his cool facade shattering as he turned towards John. "What the fuck are you talking about? Striders don't do hand-me-downs."

"It's not really a Strider thing," John explained, "he said it was something he shared with his friends, with Jake and Jane and Roxy."

Dave made a noise and waved his hand at John, turning towards the TV. "I don't give a shit about whatever he's got going on with his friends."

"Da-ave," John pushed a hand against his shoulder, "he said they were like his family. Doesn't that make them your family, too?"

"No." He took a long sip of juice and rolled his eyes at the expression John wore. "C'mon, John, you can't expect me and Bro to function the same way the Lalbert household does. The Eglondes. Lalonerts. Larts -- "

"Okay, okay, I get it," John said, "I'll stop trying to impose my Egbertian ways on you. Do you at least want to know what he gave me?"

Dave raised his eyebrows, looking up at John patiently from behind his shades.

"He gave me a robot. A robotic bunny, actually."

Dave choked on the sip he had just taken. John slapped him on the back and Dave turned to him, a grimace on his face as he wiped the juice off of his chin. "Another fucking robot, are you kdiding me?"

John frowned. "Another robot? Do you guys have multiple robots?"

"Not anymore." Dave shuddered and turned his attention back to the TV. "I thought Bro was done with the robot shit after what happened with Lil Hal."

"Lil Hal...?" John waited for an explanation, but Dave was sipping on his drink. _Lil_ Hal? Lil Hal, Lil Cal, Lil Seb...what was with Dirk putting "Lil" in front of the names of all of his creations?

Dave sucked the last drops of juice out of the box and crumpled it in his hand, tossing it into the wastebin. "Lil Hal. Evil robot that tried to take over Bro's identity. He didn't mention it?"

"No -- and neither did you! How has this never come up before?!"

"I'm not really into talking about Bro's shit, and Lil Hal was 100% Bro's shit," Dave answered.

"Okay, but," he raised an eyebrow at Dave incredulously, "you expect me to believe an evil robot tried to take over my boyfriend's identity at some point?"

Dave shrugged. "If you don't believe me, you can ask the guy himself."

"Ask me what?"

They both turned to see Dirk standing in the entrance to the hallway, holding a towel at his waist.

John turned towards him, leaning forward on both hands. "Dirk, did an evil robot try to take over your life?"

"Oh." He walked into the kitchen, looking back into the living room. "Did Dave tell you about AR?"

"AR? I thought he was Lil Hal?" John asked.

"AR was the name I gave him," Dirk explained, "Lil Hal was the name he gave himself."

"But -- it actually happened? A robot actually tried to take over your life?!"

"Calm down, John," Dirk waved his hand in John's direction. "It was a long time ago and it wasn't as bad as it sounds. But before we get into that, I've got a question for you."

An evil robot had tried to take over his identity, and he wanted to change the subject?

"What? What could possibly be more important than how an evil robot tried to take over my boyfriend's life?"

"Why," Dirk said, resting his hands on the countertop and leaning forward, "does my shower smell like chicken soup?"

It took a moment for what Dirk had asked to register in John's mind, but as soon as it had, he was doubled over, laughing against the futon.

"So that's what that smell is," Dave said. "I had almost forgotten about all of John's dumb little birthday pranks."

Dirk glared at the two of them. "Birthday pranks?"

Dave raised his hands in defense as John continued laughing into the futon. "Don't look at me, dude, it was all the birthday boy. I just, y'know, helped a little bit."

"So the chicken soup smell, that's one of the pranks?"

Dave nodded, making a loop with his index finger and thumb, gliding the index finger on his other hand through the loop he'd made. "Bullion cube in the shower head. Had to show John where the tools were so he could take the shower head apart."

Dirk shook his head. "That better be all he put in the shower head."

He stopped at the closet to grab the tool box and headed to the bathroom. John's laughter was dying down as they heard Dirk take apart and replace the shower head. Moments later, they heard the blow dryer turn on. Moments after that, Dirk came storming out of the bathroom, sparkling like Glinda the good witch.

"Why the fuck is there glitter coming out of my blow dryer?"

Tears streamed down John's face as he fell back against the futon and let out another laugh.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> sorry about the massive length between chapters that's been happening. this fic is sort of cathartic to me in a way that makes it uncomfortable to write at times. but holy shit, i can't believe apep has passed 10,000 hits??? u guys rawk. never change keep on truckin' believe in urself god bless.
> 
> ps i have a writing blog if u want 2 check dat out. [blog is here.](http://adrearn.tumblr.com/)


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